All I Will Do

All I will do,
All I can,
Will be.

I stand tall,
Knowing,
I stand tall trying,
To show kindness,
To show care,
To show understanding,
To show who I am.

To be in this world,
To be as me.
To set myself free.
To show it to me.

And I stand to be there,
To show love and care.
A goal of care,
For all those there,
To be a face of understanding.

To show my care I want.
Care for all.
It is in this life the choices we make,
Good, bad, ugly and horrible.
The beauty of a choice in life,
Beauty in the infinite timelines.
Beauty in reality and existence,
More beautiful than ever known.


Good but mixed, chatted to P a bit today, nice, as always. Saw her IG story, people she likes have been flirting tonnes recently when they had been ignoring her, I mean I think she’s conflicted. Does it hurt? Kinda. But for me so long as she finds happiness that’s what matters to me, whether with me or not. I care about her too much.
I care. I love.
Remember her saying, her ex on a night out saw her grab and rub my hand when she left me. Said he never got the same from her, that we seem very close. She seems in pain a bit, I wish I could help, so I offer to listen at least, even if she won’t say, I can listen to whatever wants to say.
I honestly love her, she said before last night at hers when she was high that she’s scared to get close to me for some reasons she said (I won’t say), but yeah, it hurt kinda, but I understand, and want to do anything to help, will wait, will be there.
But yeah. I’m honestly good, brought to tears of joy whenever I think of her, but also a bit mixed. I love her and want nothing more at all than for her to be happy. Nothing more. After than, my mood was brightened even more, she called me at 2am and we chatted until 3, it was perfect, about the past, all sorts of shit and it was perfect.
I am much better, anxiety much better, Autism much better everything much better, I think, she’s proven to me, what it was all along; having people who understand me and anxiety, and who care enough to care, to consider how I feel. She does, I see her try, don’t expect it but it makes it all better, as I try to do. She asked me if she could bring her ex somewhere we’re meeting and I was shocked, she didn’t have to ask, didn’t want her to ask, but after a panic attack a couple nights ago that I told her about she did wanting, just to put my mind at ease but she didn’t need to. She gave me the confidence to tell her about it and that was all I needed. In the past, conditioned not to be me, I’ve totally forgotten what this feeling is like, honestly, it’s always putting on a face for others’ as they can’t take mine. Only my best friends see this.
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My Mind Crushing

My mind crushing,
Anxiety flowing.

The weight of my mind trying to rip itself apart,
Tired and trying,
Trying to push forward.

Mind worried,
It all getting to real,
The skeletons brought back.
My mind just ripping itself apart.
Watching the pain flow free,
All-consuming,
In my panicked state.

The Day My Life Changed

The day,
Unexpected,
Unusual.

Sharing in a normal day,
Losing track of all the time.
One thing to the next,
The ebbs and flows of the river.
The beauty of a simple time,
Simple,
Open,
Freeing.

A beautiful day,
The one that changed.
It changed me.
In little to no time.

A sweet time.
As the sun shines,
The birds sing and the world seems brighter.

So nice,
Casual living,
Living and being.
Being… in the moment and free.

So thankful, for the beautiful time,
The time, the day that changed me.


Feeling amazing, everything is good, everything is perfect. Met a friend, for a casual day taking photos on Tuesday, then we chatted so much instead of any photos. Later met at a bar which again was amazing. Chatting for like 4 hours. Met them everyday since but one for like a week. Thursday, we met up for a house party before going out clubbing. So much. So good. Friday she met me after I finished work, we met up for some food, and then chilled on some grass chatting and playing around before staying over at their’s. Saturday we chilled for a bit before getting ready for a DnB night out, such an amazing night. So amazing. So amazing. And even today, Sunday, I met them before their shift to see them, chat as they didn’t feel well, and it was all cool.

This week,
Has honestly been the best one ever.
Nothing bad has happened. Longest time without anxiety, without any negative feelings, maybe the occasional, but then remembering this week, what’s happened, it just makes the negative feelings just float away. They care, and I care about them more than anyone else. It’s amazing.

Everything’s just pure, casual, amazing and being is perfect.

Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

I Feel… Overwhelming

I feel, overwhelming,

Such joy and happy-sadness.
Overwhelming in all being,
Being and living.
Glad in the smallest moments,
Calm, confident sweet and free.
Free, caring and being truly me,
After so long,
Living in a façade,
Hiding because I had to,
Felt I had to.

But yeah,
Being,
Living,
Existing but feeling,
A part of the world,
Caring and being cared about.

A smile to make my heart melt,
Small moments that last forever,
But also feel gone too soon.

Feeling okay,
Okay to show,
To stand tall,
Tall and proud,
Of who I am,
Who I can be,
Can be okay,
Can show who I truly am.

A warmth in life,
One I’ve never known.
So small in those moments,
But those smallest moments…
So beautiful,
Making this world shine bright.

Proud to stand tall,
For all I’ve done and want to do.
Through my art,
To capture and show.
A message of beauty for all to see,
All in wherever you look,
To find the beauty when the eye beholds,
To make, see and find.
To be the holder of your own path.
To forge a way through.
To make it all work out.
No matter the odds.

Just needing to remember the gold,
To keep hold.


The post I made last, was a rough morning but it was all turned around, it was my anxiety, but it was all turned around on that shift at work by a friend I chatted to tonnes, chatted to tonight. Has been the reason for being confident and happiest recently.

Lots of stuff, also tonight I’ve finished binge watching Game of Thrones to this point, very emotional and thinking of my friend. Just happy, emotional, thinking and happy-sad. A happiness with a tinge of sadness, thinking about the future about the past, about very small things. Feeling so very very happy, content. Not everything in life is perfect, but it feels so that it is. Just thinking, just happy. Happy and emotional that it feels slightly overwhelming, very overwhelming.

Even just writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, a world better. I’ve been so good recently, unbelievable, I know the cause, know why, know what started all of this off.

All The Pieces

All the pieces of that sunset,
All those sweetest moments,
Those greatest of times,
All the pieces of a shattered time,
Falling into place,
Not without their moments,
Not without their trials,
But the pieces are fitting into place.

Confidence when it was all but there,
Happiness when living was all a wait,
Meaning when I had no outlet,
Voice after I had none.

The beauty of living in a time,
Being in the moment,
Living with meaning,
Meaning, my own,
Being,
Seeing and trying, with kindness,
Kindness in my heart,
In life and trying.


Life In All It’s Beauty

Beauty in feeling the life running through your veins,
Running through the mind,
My brain bursting and hyper,
With all the feelings culminating,
As it all, I’m trying,
Feeling,
believing and living.

Life with the feeling,
Feeling like I’m finally being.
Everything falling into place,
Worried still present but easier to handle,
To put into their perspective.
Living and being.

Life filling my lungs,
Hard times come by,
But having just to try it through,
To do my best and make it,
To live,
To say.

Oh how it is to stand,
To stand and make by,
To own it,
To be true to the self and genuine in feeling and being.

Making the world brighter,
Making even the darkest times, more beautiful and meaningful.

Short little moments,
Showing true value in being.
Living in the moment,
Happy in the moment.
All to be.


Writing, had a good day, saw a friend whose brightened up my day. Yesterday saw a great show with friends which was amazing and it was good spending the time hanging out. On top of feeling good like recently.

Feeling more confident recently, confident and happy, happy and valued, valued and wanting to do anything to share this feeling with everyone, to do anything to make people I care about to feel better.

I still get anxious, even today, small anxieties, and even not even ten minutes ago feeling very lonely and anxious, but it more easily fades, thinking, remembering a friend, the amazing times we hang out, how amazing they are. Yeah I’m massively sad but whatever, it is what it is, and I can’t apologise for being me anymore. Don’t need to.

Found out I wasn’t selected for that commission, but don’t feel bad, it wasn’t likely as it was to go to one person but it’s fine, I am passionate to continue, to eventually do more and do that project I wanted to anyway.

Probably don’t even want to admit it. But my crush, small nothing times, they’ve given me confidence, peace, and a way to find a way through, for everything.

Hard to explain, it’s not like a dependent thing, but, was like, not seeing kindness I thought it never existed apart from pretending it did without ever seeing it but acknowledging I never saw it. But even for brief times, in the smallest ways, I’ve been shown this kindness, probably really nothing but the small kindness, it shows a true way to look at life, rather than constructing an false pretense to hide the world behind to be able to get by, this has really changed it to see the world, good and bad, to cherish the good, to change the bad, to calm anxieties and to cherish the smallest of moments, to be true, to be genuine.

Lost Again

Lost again,
After a too-short time of living,
Living on borrowed time.
Living a borrowed life,
Of happiness, direction and meaning.

How I tried living,
Tried fighting.

I tried and now I find myself,
Lost again.


Today’s all been a rough day, started with selfconsciousness, then has spiralled into being sad, lost, empty, lost. I haven’t even been able to find or turn my mind to happier thoughts. Just have been ruminating and sad.

Just sad. Just sad. Alone. Isolated. Unsure where to go, who to turn to, what to do. What to think.

Clarity

Clarity found,
Place of being, feeling.
A time reminded, by those kind-hearted occasions.


Clarity, feeling better than earlier, not that I was feeling bad but conflicted. I think I’ve resolved it with the help of messaging a friend about stuff not even related to this. I can still walk clearly, freely, happily while still offering all I am able to help, all to try and help. Nothing more that I want to do in life more than to help those I care about.

Feeling much better, cant believe over the last week or two, I remember what started it all, so small and insignificant, but it’s made all life much easier to cope with, has made me happier in everything, looking forward. It was nothing, just a simple FaceBook message but it’s made it all.

Things are still difficult, many times, but it’s much more hopeful, much easier to bounce back. And most of all, much better to keep my mind on track and to steer it if it drifts off course.

This commission I’m a bit anxious about, not really anxious but wondering. I probably won’t get it as the person I spoke to said they’d most likely offer it to someone who’s more disabled by their health, but it’s worth a go and I’m trying. Just waiting to hear back now. It would give me an amazing project over summer to do.

We’ll see. But I still cherish the thing that’s given me so much life, soul, living, above all else. So much so that it’s probably pathetic. But I’m finally happy.

Conflicted

My mind, how it sways,
How it flows and bends,
Conflicted.
My mind,
Trying to find, work itself out.

Hurting,
Thinking,
My mind uncertain.
Questioning.

Caring,
Questioning.
My mind,
Seeing such hurt,
Wanting to help,
Questions, all plaguing my mind.
My mind, a plague on itself.

Trying,
But my mind it clouds,
It clouds all over.

But the confusion persists.
It continues.


Don’t feel bad, just thinking, just conflicted, seeing a friend open up into such pain and yeah. I don’t know. I want to help. In anyway I can. That’s what I do, the thing that’s the best thing to do, to help, to care, to try. Thinking.