Today’s been just a day from Hell. First was late to work, after great anxiety last night, I got 2 extra hours of sleep than usual and also had a very interrupted night sleep. Just kept waking up every couple of hours, feeling exhausted all day. Kept overthinking and overthinking.
Everything, first looking at reasons why I was late, why I didn’t sleep well, even after a lot more sleep than usual. Then this turned to trying to feel better, but the more and more it turned to a kinda cannibalisation of any good feelings, getting rid of anything good. Just lots and lots of constant self-deprecation for many hours non-stop.
Eventually it turned okay, when I got a really nice message from a friend unexpectedly, reminded me of how I’ve been feeling amazing recently, but again this was cannibalised when I was thinking, maybe happiness is incompatible with me, as my sleeping has been more off with my mood and been late more often recently which I cannot stand in myself. Constant sparring between happiness and remembering and self-deprecation.
Then work got stressful to the very end, having to stay extra to do a job I haven’t had the time to do, time-sensitive job that only I can do. Everything wasn’t working, was breaking, and even then another thing would grab my attention for not working. Constant stress towards the end. Stayed extra, despite needing this day (having been the only day) in which I can spend a while working on my photography commission focussing on mental health. Application’s due tomorrow at 5pm. Today and tomorrow were the only days this week I could find time to work on it. Also I have an appointment I had to leave for, so both these things had to be pushed later.
After work and emotional stress and self-deprecation all day, I only feel like sleeping or watching tv to unwind. But I can’t, I have this application to do and then this appointment. I really am just tired. This isn’t even to mention the problem I’m thinking, that even if I get more sleep my body’s just tired, just not even hearing my alarm now, for over 40 minutes my alarm rings before I come to, this makes even going to sleep causing me to become anxious, worried, even contemplating the thought of not going to sleep until the weekend, but this is not a good idea.
I just hope tomorrow is better. Need it to be better. Trying to hold onto the good feeling, feeling amazing in the world, the best feeling I’ve ever felt. Trying so hard to keep hold of it, trying so hard. But worried, trying to be happy is a counterpoint to my own functioning somehow. Am I supposed to choose between being happy in life and living life normally functioning in society. Worst still, I just do not know what is wrong, if I don’t know, then I can’t fix. Even while writing this, I know I should be working on my commission, half an hour less time before my appointment and I’ve not looked at the commission. I just need to stop thinking.
Just need to hold on to the cliff edge, the happiness that is my only grasp on being, hoping, living, happiness. I sure hope this day from Hell passes and tomorrow is much better.