My Escape

My escape,
From my fate,
From my life,
From being and not knowing,
From the fears and the worries.

Living a life that is not my own,
Living a life that I cannot know.
That I fear and worry about.

I’m lost.
I can’t find my way out.
I cannot find.
Cannot be.
I am worried.
Not knowing a way out,
Finding my way out,
I know,
And that’s what worries me.
Knowing my mind so well.

Knowing it and the path.
Worried about what will be.

And I can just sit and cry,
Thinking, feelig pain.

Missing my every thought as the pain swells inside.

Losing my mind,
My feelings and my will.

I can just sit still.
To ponder,
To sit and wait.
To cry and despair.

But this feeling,
One I know all too well.

It kills me inside.
Breaks me apart.
Throws me off.

Throws me out and apart.
Breaks me.
Makes me. Break myself.
Break my mind apart.
Sit and rip into my soul.

But.
I’m used to this feeling,
Used to this time.
Used to how it feels,
To rip into your own soul, mind, and heart,
To pull it out and rip it from unto your own body.
One that does not feel your own.

One that is alien to the touch,
Alien to the feel.
But you can only stand and watch.
As the actions take out.
Make their ways,
And all you can do is watch.
Having and losing the escape you try to hold dear.


Good day, feeling mixed now, thinking and overthinking. Going to visit home, has been a needed escape. I love it in Brighton, but cannot really face going back, worried, apprehensive. I can’t wait to go back, planned to, but also don’t want to. It’s too soon. I’ve never really questioned my decision to move away from home as I am now. But now I am. I can’t help. But feel sad, not for going back, or leaving home. Just deep sadness within myself, not knowing what I think or feel. What I want or can do.

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Have to Keep Hold

Have to keep hold,
To stay strong,
To remember being,
Remember its worth.

The feeling,
To hold,
Onto life.
To stay,
To keep strong.
As the song goes on.

The body may tire,
But I’ve been there;
Living without worth,
Without hope,
Without reason.

But I’ve found,
Something.

Out of nowhere.

So I must hold strong,
To keep hold.

To keep on and on,
To keep trying and fighting for every breath.

Even as it may grow difficult,
May grow hard.
May rip you apart from the inside.

But you must try,
Try to keep true,
To stay strong,
To keep strong,
To remain true,
To yourself and everything.

The alternative is despair.
A path I have walked down, A path I choose to try,
To not walk again.

A path. I choose. To not walk again.

It’s way to easy,
To slip down,
Into the hole.
But I’ll try.
Keeping true to my goal,
To help, love and care,
To maybe keep my path,
My personal path.

A path of care,
I’ll try.

But it’s all to easy,
To slip and fall.
Remembering why.


Been good going home, been mixed for a large number of reasons, I’ve needed this, I’ve missed home more than the almost 5 years I’ve been away.

Been exhausted and low, low and unsure, I’ve needed the break, the time away to collect and soul-search. For my own mental health. Which has been pulling me apart recently, even if I haven’t seen it. It still does, and still will when I go back. But I’ve had a bit of distraction, bit of break.

Lots is still uncertain and in the air. But all I can do is try.

Finality

Finality,
The end,
It goes and comes,
The times and they stop.
I know and have made my peace.
Made my peace, knowing my own mind.
Knowing I’ve tried.

Been the best person I can, with all my flaws and mistakes.

But to let go.
To say goodbye.
I know.

I’m content,
The calm at the end,
After the storm has passed.

I know.
I see you.
I know.
I’m sorry.

But I know.

It’s okay.
It really is.
One present, one goodbye.
I don’t want.
But have come to terms,
With this state of finality.
An end gesture of care.
I always care.

I know me,
I know who I am,
And I will always care.
But it’s okay.

I’ve come to terms.

The finalty of it all.

Changed Me.

Changed me.
I’m a changed man.
How the feelings rush in, the good,
Fighting anxieties and worries,
Making me feel whole and found.
Changing me to seek change.
To be better and better,
To stretch and fly.

Oh, how it changed.
How I’m changed.

Listening to that song,
The one that only reminds me of you.

Always grateful,
Always remembering,
How you came in and shook up my life.
To show me,
To show me, how to show myself living.
To find, be, care and move towards life.


Feeling much better, now chatting again. Loving life, living life, wanting to be better for myself. To find and be. me.

Crying for the Times

Crying for those times,
Lost in every place,
Lost in whatever I know.

My mind,
Hurting,
Trying to reverse,
My regret.

As my mind wraps itself,
Trying to help,
Trying to be.

But it all feels empty,
I cannot tell if it’s
Intentional or not.
To save the pain.
My mind empties all feeling,
But at the same time, keeps it all close.

My heart aches,
The heart,
Trying, trying.

Empathy And Care

It cuts deep,
It rages strong,
It cuts me to the core.

But it makes me who I am.
It is who I am.

I do what I did.
Out of care.
With no regrets for doing just that.
I’d do it again,
Even if it cuts deep.
That’s what you do for caring,
For loving.

To take away the pain.
Just to be, to live,
I’ll bare the world’s pains.
If it’d make you smile for a second.
It would make the pain of the world worth it to bear.

It would.

It just would.

It would.

Taking my stand,
Knowing my choice,
And why,
Even if I regret,
I won’t forget.
I don’t regret my reason,
My care.
I would do it again.
If it would help,
For just a second,
It would.

I would walk to Hell,
Step into the flames.
And bare the pain.

As I would know why.
I would see,
The care,
I feel,
And it would keep me.
It would keep me going.

I would see.
And it would free me.

I have chosen,
To take the step.
To take that step.
I have walked the flames.

Chosen to walk away,
Leaving behind my heart,
Leaving it out,
To take the step.
And it hurts,
But it’s worth it.

Loving Hurts

Heart torn in two,
Care to break my heart.
Care I have,
That it pains me,
Breaks me down but builds me, builds me as it breaks me down.

To say goodbye, and to help,
Goodbye to find themselves.

My mind,
My empathy,
It breaks and swallows me,
But all I can do, is to hold the feeling. My reason.

So I know why, even as it kills me inside.

My heart breaks.

Emptiness swallows me.
But care motivated me.

A goodbye,
Not wanted,
A goodbye I tried to avoid.

I’m sorry.
Sorry to them.
Sorry in my mind.
Sorry to me and the world.

But I am not sorry, for the reason.
I am sorry it was the only, way.

My mind, clawed to dark and light.
Dark for all of my overthinking, dark for where I’m going now.
The only light comes from remembering, remembering the feeling, what motivated this, the care.

Need to fight,
Fight the darkness,
As I’ve lost the light.
I. Have lost. I, have devastated myself.
My empathy, it kills me.
But makes me, and saves me.

Life, love, care, empathy, it all hurts. But themselves make life worth it.

Oh how it hurts.
My brain, won’t let me have peace.
I am sorry.
A scar on my mind.

It breaks me down.

But I keep hold, hold to the reason that made me tick.


Said goodbye today, goodbye because I care, goodbye because I care. I need her to try. Need her to get closure. Need to give her space.

I’ve felt I’ve lost everything. Life got so perfect, then I had to say goodbye, it was me who said goodbye. Why did I do this! I did it for her but I can’t stand I did say goodbye. But I needed to, did it for her.

This continues, continues from my last poem. I feel like I’ve died, I’ve lost everything. Lost something. Lost. Everything.

Care By Me

Care complete,
Care total,
No matter how it hurts,
Just to be there,
To care and be kind.

My promise,
A promise by me,
Promise got me,
I care,
I try to care.
I’m happy with this choice of mine.

Even as it hurts,
Myself calling out into the wind.
I stand tall.
Standing by my choice,
By my choice,
To care,
To be.

Sad as the times may come.
I can still be me.
Through the pain,
Care keeps me going.
Care keeps me free.

Beauty in the scene,
As I watch and ponder.
Sitting on the beach,
Letting life just be.

As I sit, wait, watch, and ponder.
My mind empties,
My mind calms.
Trying to set myself free.

As I wait in me.
Seeing watching.
Living.
Hurting.
Being free.
Love can hurt,
Hurts to leave,
To let go,
But when everything else ceases,
Care is what doesn’t,
Care stays,
As the heart breaks.
But it’s fine.

It makes life worth it.
Kindness and care,
Empathy.

I sit here and be.
Kindness abound,
just being true to me.


Bit of a rough mental health day. Very. Mood swings. Overthinking. My own mind, just playing it’s own games. Can not control my anxieties, but it’ll pass. Just need to wait it out. Thinking of my mind, me, choices, options, life and love.

Love this person, true love and care is doing what’s best for someone else, even if it hurts, because you care about them so much. You would do it, without question or fear, it’s worrying, it’s confusing. But made clear, because I care.

Tally on My Heart

Your kindness,
A tally on my heart.
Every moment,
Every time,
A moment,
A place and time,
To lose myself in the moment.
In the past I am lost.

Oh how you picked me up,
Let me in,
Let me,
Share.
Every kindness,
Expecting it to be the end,
But you show care,
You care more and more,
And I, truly, ever, fall in love.
Falling in love harder and harder.

No matter what happens,
Our trials and troubles,
Care,
From what is remembered,
The kindness shown.
A light to keep going,
To hold onto.
A trial.

This tally in my heart,
Oh it hurts,
Hurts to see this kindness so,
After all this time.
Thought it impossible to find.
But found it though.
As I stand in awe,
In total aw.

Listening to that song she sang,
Always hearing it in her voice,
Calming, chill, happy,
Thinking,
Oh how she,
Oh how she helped me,
Helped me to,
To see and to find my own,
My own confidence in life.
Finally being free.

The road travelled may still be hard,
It will be.
But it’s brighter.
Brighter with me.
Always seeing her,
In my confidence,
How she showed me,
Showed me to find me.
To find it again.

Finally being me,
Being free and happy.

I did this myself,
It all an achievement for me,
But she helped me to see,
Helped me to look,
To try, to find, to be.
To find this spark of life,
To live life,
To be free and happy.

She showed me,
At a time,
I couldn’t find, but stopped trying.

She pushed me to try.

All of this to say.
No matter what happens,
My heart is forever etched,
With the tally of her kindness,
Of which I shall always repay in kind.

For I so care,
More than I care to say.
Because, it’s caring,
So much it hurts me,
But the pain,
It’s out of care.
It hurts, but it’s nice.
The nicest feeling in the world.

The pain,
It reminds me,
It’s all for caring,
And that is why it’s okay.

To be there,
For another,
No matter what may be,
No matter their troubles, problems or pains.
I shall be there,
To hold and face it with them.
To stand against it.
To let them shine past their demons.
Just as they’ve convinced me to fight mine.

Giving me such a power,
Such a feeling,
To stand and move,
To shake the world,
To forge my own,
Making life.

Oh how the tallies,
She has etched,
Engraved onto my soul,
Bringing me back,
Back to life,
Giving me confidence, giving me sight.

It’s just, I’ll never forget,
This tally on my heart.


Been writing this for a couple of days to a week, thinking, how I’ve been changed, how I remember, the tally on my heart, the tallies that she’s etched so deep. That I shan’t forget.

Hope from Uncertainty

1 ——————-
Hope from uncertainty,
Care from hope.
A will to try.
A will to be,
Living in being,
Being in waiting and making.

Love in time.

To be there.

2 ——————-

The knives in my being,
From a me long in the past.
The scars burn,
But a new life,
Burns brighter within me.
A new light lighter. A rage to go on and forge ahead,
To find a path.
As the lights,
Go into peacefully,
I walk and walk I shall.
Walking into whatever I have.

But then again I wanna question,
What I thought as real,
Being. Feeling what was real,
As I thought.
But being, can hurt,
Itself, it can all hurt,
As you don’t see.
It can all break and shine.

As life, is life.

3 ——————-

The question, to face the cliff and fly,
To see fly.
To try.
Just as we try,
We walk,
We walk to that edge.
Just to hear that voice.

To be free.

To try.

When it’s easier to feel emptiness and pain.

Than the light you choose not to see shine.

4 ——————-

The light, the soul, resides, bursting forth,
Nothing to let the anxiety through,
Battering past the overthinking, the fears, anxieties and worries.
To find.
To make.
I break free.
I was shown, that I can cut my own chains.
That I can, and they’d be with me.
They care,
My person can be better and purer and just me.

With it all, normal but happy.
I can control my anxiety.
I can take control.
Can stand talk and be, be perfect.

It’s all perfect in its imperfect perfection.

How it all started,
By some sunset,
Far away.
The perfect time,
Just nothing,
Nothing but and just us.
Beauty in living in a moment.
Lost in being.

As normalcy comes back,
We find,
Find our way back.
Back to our complicated world.
A memory remembered.
Kept and held, in memory.

As I lose the world, my own thoughts,
Drawn always back to you,
Pure bliss,
Knowing,
I’d give anything for you,
Everything I could to help,
To be with you,
To make you happy,
Valued, helped and all the greatest of times.

Pure bliss,
From a time, out of nowhere.
From normalcy pure bliss,
Completeness,
Wholeness.
Oh how perfect.

Perfect to find life in but a single day.
To find it all.
By a complete surprise.
Surprise found in amongst it all,
To find, it now.
How it rushes past.
Now in memory,
But lived everyday.
In every, and all those smallest moments.
The times as they come.
They find and are perfection.
How they are pure bliss,
From utter normalcy.

Showing, a sign,
Of the beauty in all those everyday things,
Perfection from it all.
Perfection in the smallest of times.
Times that show, that grow and completely take over.
Changing my life for the better.
Changing me in all those ways I could not find before.

The ways it goes,
In those unexpected ways and times,
Bringing forth a strength, a power,
To be, make and claim life,
My life for my own.
Making me better, better at being me.

A beauty from being,
It is beauty, from living in the sunshine, light and life.


1 ——————-

Saw my friend, a good friend, we chatted, about all sorts. Lots of different stuff. Lots. It was good, amazing. Asked them how they felt about me, they said they were unsure, they liked chatting and hanging out and that they had their own stuff to sort out. Fine by me, so do we all, some more than others. But I’m cool with that. I love helping and trying and caring so that’s no problem.

Lots of stuff recently has gone on.

2 ——————-

Writing this the next night, a two-day written poem, two ideas, two different ideas, two days brightened by this purely amazing person. Today even better, much much better than yesterday, so so so much better! The same theme, care, love, waiting and caring, helping them to be stronger, or more accurately to show them how so strong they are. To show them they don’t have to be afraid to talk to me, to show me personal stuff. Just as they’ve showed me in return.

Amazing day, hanging out with them, talking, chatting, and messaging.

This person is amazing, unlike no other. Makes me feel like to other, makes me care like no other, worry like no other, be better like no other. Makes me feel like I can be myself like no other.

3 ——————-

Again a different day, different time, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all a mix. Just a try. To step forth and fall.

All about that choice.

4 ——————-

Was asked, if I wanted to go to watch sunset with this person. Haha. After their last exam. Nothing I’d love more. Nothing.

This poem. I’ll finally publish almost a week after its start. Each section a snapshot of me, my moods, changes, how I feel, how it changes and I’m showed, how I’ve been changed by them. 4 weeks and seeing one another everyday but 4. Amazing. Perfect. Not totally easy or without worry, but perfect in how it’s whole, good, bad, pure, kind, and amazing in its perfect imperfection. I’ve been changed, I’ve gotten confidence, they’ve showed me that I can, I’ve gotten better in everyway, for everything and I owe them. I had all of these things, but for so long I’ve not been shown that I could. So I hid. I hid. But finally I feel free. Feel better than I have in my whole life, my whole life. So many things have changed, my outlook for so many, my mood and happiness, better able to control my anxiety, to talk about it, to admit it to myself and her. It’s perfect. Even tonight, chatting on FB from early morning, and in the evening, chatting on the phone from 8:30pm till like 12:15am. Was good to chat, some deep, some funny, joking, teasing, looking each other’s past posts and all sorts of random stuff. We even said we’d get presents from each other’s homes. I now need to think of what to get. This call was perfect, sweet and bliss. I feel the luckiest person alive just to be able to see her.

This poem is random, but means the world to me, for what it means to me.