Bid Goodbye To That Time

I bid goodbye,
Goodbye to that time,
A fond memory,
Being there and only wanting to stay.
But having to go,
Daily life calling,
But wanting time to stop,
To be in that moment.
I regret having passed.
But you bid me goodbye,
A fond memory,
Remembering,
The time,
Where you stayed,
To send me off.

I remember, but know it’s passed,
I have to learn to live with this.

Learn that the best times,
Are only a memory,
Only alive within my mind.
And there, they stay.

Feeling the loss,
The only time I truly lived,
Truly was alive,
All good surrounding me.
But was even that a lie?

I hope not.
I’ll try to believe not.
And on I go,
Not wanting anymore.

Advertisements

Reminded

Reminded,
Reminder of why.
Lost in a dark place.
A reason, a thing.
Reminding me to try.
Reminding me why to try.

Giving me hope
Reminding me,
Of happiness,
Lived vicariously,
Giving me hope.
Giving me hope.

How it’s reminded me, and given me hope.
Given me happiness and a belief in being.


Today, it started rough, got better with some things. The best thing today, that’s turned things around. Sounds weird, but my best friend commenting on another close friend’s post. Seeing it, just turned my down mood around totally. Well no, it reminded me, it helped ever so slightly. But this then allowed me to find a way out of a dark place. Enough just so I could grab hold and pull myself out.

No one probably could see why this small thing turned stuff around for me. It’s small. Lots of small things can pull me out of a dark place, but also small things can push me into a dark place also.

Definitely not feeling all better, but feeling I feel up to trying to feel better again.

I am still sad about losing that ring. But I’ve come to terms with it. Losing it, but keeping the beautiful memories, the feelings, the time. Making more hopefully, happy memories eventually.

I’m feeling better, having to find something. It’s I guess with Autism, a meltdown, I’ve always noticed a kinda total loss of control and depressive episode and really dark places, followed by a kinda catharsis, an end to it. I’ve always known its not a thing to control but to let take its course. In these states I can’t really escape, and people saying ‘just get better’ or ‘look on the bright side’ has never really been helpful, but the only thing that works is external. Something that reminds me, and calms me, and makes me feel a little better, only a little is needed and then it reminds me why and I can pull myself out of the pit. I just need to keep hold of the reason, keep hold of the feeling.

Ready To Try Again

Ready to try again.
To give it another shot.

Just as life fucks me up.
Over and over.
Fuck you for that.
Let me rage my way to life,
The only path I’ve got.
You’ve left me with nothing,
Something I will never forget.

I just need to try again.
Let the pain course thrpugh my veins.
Let life be as life has always been.
Burning me from the inside.
But I will stand and rage.
To control.
The endless emptiness inside.
Rage and rage.

For you have broken me so,
Broken my soul, my mind, my heart,
All so completely.
I bleed so much.
So hard.

To use my emptiness as strength,
To numb all the pain.
Life has broken me.
This only makes me stronger

Once losing everything,
My body, heart, mind and soul.
What more is there left?
Broken and broken.
Shattered completely.
Numbness.
My strength,
All for a hope,
To be happy again.
Using the lessons of my dark past, dark life,
To forge a path.
To try.

Oh how you break me, Life iver and over,
More and more.
Each and every time.
You break me again and again.

I’ve come to accept.
Empty my heart of all feeling.
Empty my soul of all care.
Rupturing my soul all over the floor.

To try and just get on.

Losing The Time Piece By Piece

Losing it, piece by piece,
Motivation for everything,
The hope, the will trying to be better and better.
It all hitting home hard.

The lose of this object,
Imbued with so much.
An object of happiness, pain, hardship, betterment and hope.

A sign, while also holding,
Onto the memories,
They drift slowly,
Slowly and slowly out of my mind.
Memories I kept dear, oh I kept so dear.

I tried.
Have been making strides, great strides,
To be better and better,
Slowly getting better,
Then one by one,
The situations I’ve faced and faced.
Crush my spirit again and again.
Over and over.

I have tried so hard.
So very hard.
To find and be happy,
To find worth in life.
To find the beauty in all that could be seen and felt.
I made progress,
And then the world crushes every glimmer.

Again and again,
I’m crushed under the weight.
How many more steps can I go till I stop.
How much more can I take?
Before losing too much to take.
I don’t know.
Have I reached the limit already.

Dread from every moment conscious and breathing.
Knowing every step I take,
Is followed by a blow.
To my heart, my mind and soul.

I tried,
I tried so hard.
I gor so far. I went and went.
But it doesn’t matter. Life always crushes me so.

Always just pretending to be okay,
Pretending I can cope.

I am trying so hard.
But when making progress.
I am crushed.
Over and over.

That I want it just to end.

The pain of living, breathing, trying only to be knocked back.
Crushed under the weight of life.

I tried.
Want to find the will to try again.
I don’t know how anyone does it.
To continue and try.

I’ve suffered at the hands of my demons for so very long.

So so very long over a decade now,
It’s not all been bad,
I’ve tried to live, to care about all those I meet.
To live my best life.
To try and bring help to others when so lost.
I end up just so very alone.
In a world where I’m dead in the mind, but alive in body.

No one understands,
This object held so dear,
Worn everyday for so long.
Imbued it with hope, positivity, and overcoming hardship,
It meant the world.
And I didn’t even know,
Until I lost it.
It reminded me,
Life, positivity,
Being thinking and trying.
But now.

After it all,
For so much, so long.
I have lost.

How can I move on?
Having lost an object,
Formed, imbued, in the best memories I’ve had in life,
It kept those times alive,
Long past when the times themselves faded.
Long past they faded.

How long till I fade?
Every glimmer and shine?
Every but of positivity in a world that just crushes me.

How long?
Has the time already come?
Was this the last time?
The last bit,
The loss of everything,
Past, present and future.
All this in an object,
Like noone else will understand.


Today’s been so rough. Felt alright going out to take photos. Lost my ring. It held so much sentimental value. I stayed and looked for it for two hours before the last bus for a long trip home.

Also getting sick with sinus pain. Stopped smoking for a month and bought a pack after losing the ring. Thinking of re ring a metal detector and going back next weekend to try again and find it.

I feel I’m losing the memories since losing the ring.

I’ve been trying so hard; putting the past behind me, eating better, trying to be better in so many ways. And since all this effort to be better, more than I’ve ever tried. It’s been one thing after another without break. Worse than any other time. Feel empty, lost, without everything. And I’ve been trying and it’s all being lost. Everything’s fading. I hate it. I’ve been trying! And I’m losing everything!

I tried. I really really tried. I tried and things have only gotten worse after getting a little better briefly. Losing this ring has really really hit me hard.

Feel so dead while being conscious and seeing this myself.

I’m sick and tired of it all. I’ve tried so hard every day. Again and again. Pushing against everything and it all pushes back tenfold.

Going to be truly honest like I havn’t in almost a year on here.

I’ve had reason recently to improve my mental health, life and living more than any other time in my life.

I’ve been living without a bed in my flat for a year, due to finances and the bigger reason; not wanting to commit to large items, not wanting to ‘get comfortable’ in the city in which I live. Because I didn’t know if I wanted to stay. Didn’t want to commit. I’ve finally had a bed for a few weeks now, but have been sleeping worse than the whole year without because, well, I don’t entirely know. My mental health.

I’ve been eating better, I know how to cook, always have since I was a kid, never bothered cooking unless I had a friend coming over, because why do it just for me? Why bother more than sustenence to live, to survive. Maybe this had impacted my mental health, but now eating better it’s all gotten worse? So what now?

I’ve tried to improve personal aspects like through mindfulness, it worked somewhat until recently, like the last week or 2. Been doing it every weekday after work. To calm. To put things into perspective. Because I’d ran out of every other option. Every other thing to try. Counselling hasn’t worked the last 3 times I tried. It helps so long as I’m in the session, and when I leave the room it was like I was never in there. With my work program for counselling and phone service, it’s the same story, the phone is put down and it’s back to before the call. Almost like talking to people, I can fake happy, and believe I am, for the sake of the pretend. And as soon as we stop chatting then its back to sadness.

Even with mindfulness I’ve tried to spin things positivly, like losing the ring, I thought maybe it’s good to lose the object, and embrace the memories more into my mind, or even to attach it to an association like a song or something, like my necklace to keep the memories and associations by reimbueing them into another item harder to be lost. Or eveb just into my mind more fully and easier to recall. But no. I realised as I feel I’m losing the memories. Or even trying to spin it’s maybe good to lose those memories. But again, no. The memories with that worthless object, one priceless to me. Represent the only time I’ve ever been truly happy, truly content, at peace with me, everything, everyone, and my place in the world. The only time in 23 years. So, how am I to say ‘yes’ to just forgetting that? Even writing this is making me cry. It’s pathetic? Probably, hurting myself makes it feel a bit ‘better’ (not the word I’d use). Even thinking of getting a metal detector and in a week going back, for one last try, to find it. Will truly think on that plan.

Feeling lost in place, without knowing a goal or path in life, I lost Uni, lost academia and the hopes and dreams I had. Don’t know any others, can’t even think of a plan or alternative.

I’m so lonely, lonelier than I ever have been. I’ve made it so far. Did what I didn’t think I could do. Not only did I manage through hard work to start my second year of my Undergrad as I couldn’t afford it until I got my job. It allowed me to continue to 3rd year, it allowed me to do my Masters which I couldn’t afford and struggled with finances to manage it and I did that too. I also then have managed to stay here in this city which I had no idea I could do. Didn’t think it possible. But now? No path so Uni left me in the past, adrift like driftwood. I have friends at work who I don’t see outside of work often, my old friends I never really see at all anymore. So. The city I tried to stay in, has lost everything. I have lost it all. Feeling lonelier than ever. I tried to remedy this with photography. But even that, it’s lonely, it’s done out of pain, it’s a coping mechanism for mental health problems and loneliness. So even writing this all out. I tried everything so hard and it’s all turned out nought. I have been really considering recently to go back where I come from. But even there, I only have one friend, they work most of their time to go on holidays. I’ll have no one. So I’m lonely where ever in the only two places I have ever known. I’ve tried to be better, make the most. But writing this all out, breaks me apart totally. Every effort in my life, shown a failure, or meaningless and I don’t know which is worse. It all laid out. Everything summed up in one phrase, “tried hard, everything, and failed“.

Even writing this post, being totally truthful for some catharsis and honesty, to many things that even I’ve tried to hide from myself.

Recently I have truly tried. Truly. More than in my whole life. I thought writing this may be cathartic, maybe a bit, but it has also put everything into perspective. I’m alone in the world, nothing can help, and everything I’ve done has failed or been meaningless. And I thought I tried hard and the world crushed me before writing all this but. It’s hit home even worse now then.

Truthfully, over the many years, wanting to commit suicide until the recent times being truly happy stopped those thoughts dead in their tracks. Luckily these thoughts haven’t returned fully, trying so hard to keep them at bay. But it’s getting harder with all the aforementioned trying and only pain and emptiness and loneliness as a reward. But back in my 3rd year. I kept tonnes of painkillers by my bedside. Hoping I could. At the worst, I would go out with friends, get drunker than ever, and warp my mind myself to force me over the edge, I know how my mind works and what thought patterns would put me into a spiral to do this. I would hold a terrible situation and force it hard to spiral deeper. But one thing stopped those worst of times. Others I care about, family and most importantly my best friend, someone who it broke me thinking of her reaction. So I stopped everything and wrote poetry. The only reason to be alive, to not cause others pain, and causing myself more. Living, trapped in existence, chained to life by my care and empathy for others. It literally saved my life many a time. But I fear with this loneliness recently, the last thing has been taken away. I fear and don’t know. Can’t even really say fear. I have no idea. I have tried so hard recently, holding on, trying to hold a reason. A reason long dead but I keep it alive in my head to keep on and on trying to be better.

It’s sad to think. This ring meant so much to me. Writing all this, spilling my soul onto the page, truths I’ve never told a soul, one lasting over 5 years, maybe 10. All for a ring? Losing it today. Has laid it all bare before me. Everything I’ve tried, recently more than ever, and I’ve lost it all. Every bit of positivity to look forward and try again. Being lost and lost. Over and over again. I even see in my head, another glimmer to hold on hope. But I don’t even know if I want to grab it. That ring. Meant so much. Held and holds so much for me, in every way. I wore it every day, in the good times and the bad. It gave me hope and reminded me. I need it. I guess I won’t be able to sleep tonight. But I guess that’s the least of my problems.

How can everyone do this? Continue while being crushed by it all? I feel bad as I’m not in the worst situation of all. But, even then I don’t care, if I had that ring I could at least try. Remind myself. Last night I wrote a poem of sadness, but this morning was okay, writing to vent, and even then, I wasn’t feeling bad, just thinking and empty. I don’t know what tomorrow will be like. All I can think about is how to try and find that ring. How can anyone do this? Continue after the world crushes and crushes again and again unceasingly, uncompromisingly and mercilessly.

Empty Acceptance

Empty acceptance,

Being trapped in life,
Wih all the bad,
Appraisal of the worst times,
Without the positive,
Living, feeling, life.
Yes the pain is hard, it’s hard.

Having changed my life,
In many ways to cling on,
Has only resulted, in emptying of any meaning.
Gaining results, that destroy the question.

Now, I can’t feel,
Anything.
Even miss the pain.
To know I am alive.
And now I look on at pain, or anything,
Looking on from the outside,
Thinking, questioning,
Was this the goal?
Is this worth it?

Feeling the aches of being alive,
Without what makes the pain worth it.

Now all I can do,
Is miss it.

Looking back on the past,
Like it was another’s life who lived it.
And it’s all just there,
Like water,
Just flowing past your hands no matter how you try to grasp it.

Lay here,
Waiting to feel,
Despite all the past trying not to.
I don’t feel sad.
Don’t feel anything.
But alive all the same.
Just alive all the same.
Waiting to feel good,
Hoping I’m still capable,

After trying to kill all feeling for so long,
Now I fear I can never feel happiness,
Just empty acceptance.
A numbed living.

As I listen to the sad song,
I cannot feel what it had meant,
But I think, I see it all, the past meaning,
Empty again. So I think,
And hope for life.
To be.
To live.

But it’s easier this way,
For most times,
Most things.
The things that aren’t important.

Only one thing,
At the moment,
That I’d hope this empty acceptance will change for.
Only one.

Hoping to feel,
One time.
Once again,
Like before,
That one time ago.

But for now.
Just this empty acceptance.
This empty acceptance.


Writing this. Been doing better over the last couple of days. Well, ‘better’ may not be the right word. Like saying having a lobotomy is a better way of life. Haven’t been feeling anything, feel just flowing, empty, numb. Not pained though.

This evening I’m writing is no different, feel closer to sadness, but I’ve stopped feeling. Writing on my mood tracking app, explaining the feeling I stumbled upon the now-title for this poem. Which is the best description for the feeling.

Doing a bit rough, but also not because I’m just empty of feeling. Like when you see why you should be or would be sad but aren’t.

Have been just so fucking tired.

Have had a really rough day. Rough for so many reasons. Total mood swings throughout, totally depressed to just empty. Feeling better after some photography, some time relaxing and thinking of how I’m trying to get better and why I want to, what I want to show.

Too tired even to write poetry. But whatever. Trying to remember why, the change I wanted and why I do. What inspired me after so many years to change and want to do it. I

Song Of A Memory

Song of a memory,
How the song shows,
The past, future and new.

How, why? It all.
I know. I see.
A glimpse of better than ever has been.

I need to know,
Need to see.

Where I can go.

What I need.
To find,
Feeling,
Finally alive.

Having so far. Moved forward.
I could never in my life have seen.

A world of pain behind me,
Where it crushed me.
It tore my world down and broke me.

This song,
This memory.
Has lifted.

This song. Beauty found in a world.
Beautiful moments.
Perfect times.

Remember. Hold. Keep.
Learn. Grow.
This song, of perfection. Of memory.


Been a rough day today, nice night out last night. Late to work, felt shit, it turned everything shit. Everything in totality. Everything just collapsed. Seemed all the progress I’ve made in the last 2 weeks just collapsed. It was horrible. Felt terrible. Everything just crushed everything else.

It changed suddenly, when I listened to my favourite song. I remembered some fond memories. It made everything a bit better, and from then I felt able to use my mindfulness I’ve been doing to keep the terrible thoughts away. And I felt I have made progress in the last week. I’ve had to rip so much apart to get better. I guess. Just so much. So many thoughts, ideas, things that haven’t changed since primary school. It’s been rough doing this. It’s been breaking.

I’ve needed it, and been finally motivated by something I’ve never even experienced before. Changed like I’ve never had before. I’ve probably needed it, losing university was a loss of purpose not studying. Losing most friends, so much that I do photography because it staves away loneliness, I don’t hang out with friends often, so when there’s a night out I have to go and have to bare the cost, on my health, lack of sleep, anything else, actually, this actually sums up my whole life. Only just realised I’ve always had no friends, a few close friends and never see anyone.

University has been the only time that’s changed, having friends you hung out with many days.

It’s hard. It’s always hard. I’m trying. But it’s just so hard. I try. I try. And many times want to give up.

But I’ve found meaning and a reason. At least, a reminder. It’s hard. But yeah.

Just being

Been sorting lots of stuff out, in my head, in my life and stuff. Been feeling much better. Feel I’ve lost something though. Don’t know, maybe it’ll make stuff better. I guess I’ll see.

Still, totally calm pretty much. But also it’s kinda a lack of feeling more than just ‘alright’, feel cam, but dunno, still miss. Still miss. But hope it’ll be better, I’ll be better, I’ve tried to be better.

I’m eating better, sorting through lots of old stuff, chilling more, sorting out my mental health and outlook on life more. Lots of stuff.

Been a busy weekend. Unfortunately haven’t gotten to do any photography for like 2 or 3 days, but since I’ve been doing it for the last couple weeks pretty much everyday I guess that’s okay. I’ve been busy sorting stuff out anyway.

Feel alright, but only looking forward to one thing. Just don’t know though.

Not even emotionally sad or happy, so don’t feel I can even write a poem to be honest.

Wondering On

Wondering on,
I’ve moved so far,
Have grown so much.
But still it hurts.
The feelings.

Knowing what to do, to say,
Or more so, not knowing.

I can just stand,
Confused,
Hope and be true.
As I, am wondering on.

The times before, the death of you I watched,
Was it my fault? Yours? Or the scars?
Was it all a lie from the start?
All I can do is just, wonder.

Sit and be sad.
Then come to realise,
It doesn’t matter either way.
And I’ll never know.
Or am I just overthinking all of this?
Another thing to the list,
Of what I do not know.
What I can never know.

So all I can do.
Is to sit here in among my thoughts,
In the drowning depths,
Of my memories,
Oh how they were so perfect.
And now, an ocean away.

And I just sit.
Wondering.
Too tired to stand.
But I do,
Against all the odds.

Try to bring myself forth,
To try and be,
To try and see another day.
Even as I wish many times,
My mind just could stop.
All the pain, all the time.
So I numb it,
For a while,
Suppress the feeling with emptiness.

It goes, against my soul,
Against my being,
Wrecks me from the inside,
Piece by piece.
But I continue to try,
To stand strong,
Despite.

I know I can do this.
But do not know,
Not anymore,
If I want to.
After having seen.
And then.

Then.
It’s stupid,
But it has never been to me.
Everything a distraction,
From what I know I will think.
But so I distract.
Until a point,
When no distraction is needed.

But only time will tell.
So for now,
I sit here,
Tired and wondering,
Thinking.
Hoping,
Overthinking and wanting just to know,
Was it all a lie?
In my own imagination?
Was it my change?
Or just watching death before my eyes,
Happen,
And bring my soul a death with it.
Losing my heart.
Losing my soul,
Losing feeling for anything.


Cathartic writing. Writing rambly stuff but meaningful to me. It isn’t a sad poem, or at least, I don’t feel sad, trying to be better and hence trying to get rid of emotions in my body, bit by bit. Getting rid of the ‘me’ within me.

Or maybe it’s the trying not to feel. That has made me calm even as my soul bleeds through the words on the page and start to bleed.

The Silence Of Life

The silence of life, of the night.
The beauty of a brief glimpse of time.
Glimpse of the time.
Of all those times,
Reminders.
All that glimpse.

As the night comes in,
Silence falls over,
The darkness, the calm.
As the life flows.
Time slows,
Time grows on.

And here I sit,
Wondering,
Sitting, in time,
In time, again.
In time.

Life flows by.
And I, a witness.
To watch it flow.
To be there, in the time.

As the sounds of the sea just flows,
Exists in their own time.
And life, flows past.
A confusing jumble,
A path that goes.

As the sea is calm.
No ripples in sight.
The reflection of the moon,
A reflection on life,
On all those times.

A reflection,
An embodiment,
Those times,
Flow by, and fade.
But I, am still here.
I continue,
To sit here and witness.

I witness and sit,
Being in place.

Being in place.

Sitting and watching the world go by.
In the calm, the peace and solitude of night.

Watching the lights of the world,
Continue in time.
And I,
Sit here,
To witness,
A mark left,
Upon a moment in time.

Sitting, reflecting,
Pondering and being in time.
I am here.
In time I continue.

I am to witness.

As it all fades,
As it all continues again.

And I am here to witness.

Remembering, upon a time.
Sitting in that same spot.
Remembering, upon a time.
As the time, fades, into time.
I remember, I keep.
As it fades,
In spite of it fading.

Remembering,
All the times that passed.

As I sit in place.

And continue.

As all time flows by.
Feeling sad? Not feeling anything? Feeling calm?
I cannot tell.

But at peace.
In being in the finite space of time,
As the world revolves.

As time is moving in its place.
And I just can’t help, but watch,
Continue, to feel, and be.

But I sit here,
On this once upon a time spot.
And chill,
Watching as times flows, like these sea waves gently come and go.
As the sky paints it’s art through light.
As the city lights paint their own in response.
And I just continue,
Watching the dance,
Between the moon and sky; and the city of lights.

And then the thought comes back.
Thinking of that, once upon a time.
I remember clearly.
Calm and in the moment,
Present and past.

Seeing the day,
The time,
And its pass.

Watching, and wondering.
As goes,
This story of life.
Watching, life.
Flow, pass, before the moon’s light.

Forever changed,
In so many ways in this life.
In all so many ways.

And I sit, continue, watch and see.
Seeing life.
Seeing, the time.
Giving me life,
In this time.

As I watch, and see,
In this time.