Hiding from my past,
It drains too much from me.
Kills me inside.
Living a falsehood, a lie.
But I cannot lie no more.
Not even if I wanted to.
I am done.
In every such way.
Done with the hiding,
Done with the pretence.
Done with all the fucking shit.
Everyone with a problem can go check themselves,
Check their fucking minds and lives.
I will not hide mine no more.
I am done.
I’m gonna be me and how I have to be.
Cannot cope with any other alternative anymore.
Writing this, thinking, I’m tired, tired of hiding myself under a lie I tell everyone else. Tired. If admitting to mental health stuff loses friends then they’re not worthwhile people in my life. I don’t care anymore. 13 years all living a lie, to myself and everyone else. It’s just too tiring now. Hence I wrote a blogpost on a different site for my photography and my mental health.
I had it fully written for a week before posting it to my FB. And the idea I put off writing about for months. Because I was afraid of people thinking “well that guy’s fucked up” or “this isn’t the guy we knew”. Know it might not have been, but it was the truth of me. I was reluctant to write and post this.
Especially seeing people write about mental health openly and feeling trapped and caged so I couldn’t.
I’m just too tired for any of the pretence now, with my mental health I barely have any energy for anything else, without also having to construct a human that’s doing fine on top of all of that.
Imagine the energy to simulate a human functioning fully and positively on a computer. That’s been my brain for 2 years, the real me and a pretend for others to see.