So alone. Want to die.

Randomly my mum messaged, she’s been depressed a long time, probably like my dad. They don’t know, family doesn’t know. She messaged and I’m giving her life advice while looking up suicide photography for inspiration. Ironic. Helping her. They don’t know. They don’t know and never will. Not until I’m free.

Funny, giving her advice to get out of depression when I’ve sunk too deep.

For I Just Died

For I have died and do not know.
My death, for after such a high,
The fall killed me.
It crushed me.
After leaving me suffer,
Crying for death.
For it all to just end.

It’s all I’ve wanted.
For so long now,
I had escaped, and it gave me life.
Which was then taken away.
Being left back here.
Killed me.

A slow death.
A neverending suffering.

The world set alight,
My body burning through the night.
A freedom gained,
In wanting the end.
A freedom, peace,
Only found with the realisation.
I have lost all.
But for I am happy, I was happy.
For that month, was worth more than the rest of my life.

For please take me to rest,
In this cold dead slumber.
I am finally ready.
To walk down the cold dark road.
To greet every monster as my only friends.
To turn my back on the light.

The demons they smile.
For they have won, when I stop fighting.
I can go, grab their hand.
And walk into the darkness.
Shedding all the light I have ever known.

A beauty in this realisation.
In knowing.
All my demons here,
They’ve found me.
Just rip me apart,
And I smile, as I cry.
I know.
Life, a cruel test.

So grab my hand my monsters. I walk into the depths of the shadows.
Taking a step at a time.
Walking down the path to this very place.
Falling far.

Breaking apart.
I see.
The cruel eyes.
Death in my mind.
Beauty to find in death.
A peace, an end, a remembrance,
An escape.

Oh death, you feel so familiar,
So sweet my good friend.
I’ve known you for all these years,
And now realise,
Living has been dying.
So I can go,
Old friend take my hand.
We can journey together down this darkest of roads.
Finally feeling at peace.
Peace within life, for walking down this road with death.

I ran so far.
Now I cannot run anymore.
But I gave it a go.
Gave it all I can,
Did my best.

Let me cry in this dark place,
For my soul has lost its way. Lost everything held dear.
Wishing. Wishing. Wishing to die.

As the claw reaches out,
Though this dark, twisted door,
It beckons,
I am not in fear,
The dark cannot hurt,
For I have hurt like the totality of the world.
For I can walk without fear,
Conviction in knowing I have done all I can.
So the claw my grab me,
And I shrug it off,
And take a final step.
Step inside.
Walking down this place.
Knowing I feel at home.
This is my time, my place.
I know it.
I can fall and rest in the embrace of the abyss.
Let it break my every bone,
As I laugh, as it consumes me.

I laugh as I fall,
Let the abyss take me.
For I know this is what I want now.
I tried everything,
I can now say I know.
I know.

Let go.
Let the fall happen.
It’s fine.
It’s now time for the fall.

Been a terrible day. All I can do is listen to sad music, and wish for only death. Pray for it. Will it. Push myself deeper, over the edge to finally end it all.

I’ve tried so hard, so much, to get better. But it’s gotten worse. Thinking back to that time the time I have never been as happy, content with life, amazing every minute even when anything was really difficult I managed, had hope, had life, had a will to go on and be amazing. Had a glimpse and it felt amazing but having lost it is totally soul destroying.

I’m so sad. I’m so sorry. I am so sad, sorry, and sorry that I wish to die. I hate it. But I can’t deny it any longer. So sad I can’t cry. I’m angry and need to push my sadness till I fall off the edge and never return. Push myself to hell to burn and hope I look to find an escape from my own living hell. Clearly the antidepressants aren’t working. They were my last chance. The only thing, left to try. I feared this. Do not fear death anymore. Not after a lifetime of only pain. I’m sad, but happy I’ve finally realised, I’ve tried, everything. Now I can die knowing, I did my best. Sorry. For I hope I never wake up. It’d be easier for everyone. I’m such a pain. Let Hell welcome me with open arms, for I am accustomed to pain eternal. đź’”

The Panic Sets In

The panic sets in,
Heart beating hard, out my chest.
Anxiety at every movememt,
Vision blurred, axiety in the world,
Everyone looking,
I am in PAIN.
Breaking down.
The world rough.
Everything dying.
Every cell wanting to die.
All. As the panic sets in.

It sets in.
Breaks me down.
Crushes my soul.

I thought I was getting better.
Thought I progressed.
Not tired,
But exhausted.
Nothing there.
Only dying.
As my breaths,
They race ahead,
Without me.
Without even a cause.
Vision blurred.
The panic it kills.
It breaks and festers.
It all breaks.
It all is pain.
Begging for an escape.
Any way.

Want to run from the world.
Hide at home.
Break me apart.
My mind is not even there writing this,
My body writes while my mind is stuck.
Within a loop of thinking.
Daily life kills,
It breaks,
It ruptures.
It all gives me pain.

Lost It All

Lost it all,
Lost in life,
Having failed,
The help from so many others,
Given in vain.
As I feel to give up.
To give in.

Too tired of the fight.
Too tired after all these years of pain.
The monsters of my mind always return.
No matter how much I fight.

A testament to the failed fight.
I tried and failed.

The loss,
Leaving me,
My life, drains faster than I can fight.

It flows and crushes me.
Death staring me in the face.

As I lose.

Losing all hope.

Can’t believe that I once found,
Perfection in this world.
And as I’ve kept fighting,
To find.
It slips further,
Further and further,
Back into time,
A past time.

Brief glimpses,
Memories that burn and give me life.
Until I remember their loss.
Their loss to time.

Not feeling the worst I have, maybe the antidepressants somewhat working. But still, feel empty, with the occasional good day. But they never last. My hope, and love, and life, are leaving me. Leaving my body.

Broken Each and Every Time

A world filled with pain,
The scars ache,
The blood draws.

And I stand,
But not to sleep.
I find myself lost.
Each and every time.
Lost and dying.
Loving and hating.
Always losing.
Always breaking.
Hating it all.
Why the word breaks me over and over again.
Wanting to go,
To leave.
To leave behind a world I want no part of.
All I want.

But no.
I can’t.
And this I hate most.

Keeping me imprisoned here.
Wanting to go.
Sadness consuming me.
Breaking me.

The constant pain breaks,
Hurts me,
Leaves me empty,
Trying to escape.

My heart breaks,

This week has been crazy, felt amazing like I haven’t in months, because of a situation change but last night and today I’ve been brought to lowest parts again. Again.

Heart aches

My heart aches,
A life lived.
Seeing it all, made worth,
But it also kills me inside.
Breaks me apart.
But it’s worth it.

How my mind reels, I’ve gotten better, stronger, numb,
But yes. I have lost.
Lost feeling.
But not one.
It’s worth it.

Though I feel it slipping,
I find myself holding on tighter,
A constant reminder,
Self-harm to the highest degree.
Scarring my mind, over and over,
But it is worth it.
For the feeling,
Living life,
I am better.
The scars do not hurt anymore,
I see them. Know them. Let them be my skin. My soul. My story.

They tell of me.
I am stronger.
My heart aches.
It will.
I will never forget,
Do not ever want to forget.

My heart aches,
Pain dulled.
Sadness pervasive, but now I control.
It’s there,
A reminder I keep.
Of a time before.
A time I was happy.

I do not know what to do.
But to be creative,
To show light and tell my story.
To create.

I am sad. But it doesn’t control me.
I am sad.
For the reminder.
It keeps me alive.
Keeps me fighting.
The scars keep me fighting.

I am sorry.
So very sorry for all that’s happened.
I cannot say,
Everything I wanted.
All I can say is,
I meant every word I said.
Always will.

My heart aches for I will forever care,
And this hurts,
But keeps me alive as well.
I changed everything in my lofe recently,
For I had reason.
The first reason I’ve wanted to live.
Rather than stuck in a prison of life.

This hurts me this feeling,
But it keeps me alive.
My soul bleeds as I cry out.
But it’s worth it.
To have met. Been changed.
I was shown,
What it was like to be alive.
For the first time.

And now it’s changed. I do not know what to say.
But it was worth it.
I would give anything,
To get back to that moment,
Change anything for it to return.

Time will tell,
I keep fighting,
Till I cannot anymore.

It has been the best of living,
The only time been living my whole life.

I’m okay, been a wild week. The antidepressants are working, not as much as I’d like, they’ve changed a lot. I’m still sad, empty, but not wrecked. Somewhat feeling numb to everything. But it’s okay.

I am sad. I cannot explain.

Stuck In A Dark Place

Stuck in a dark place,
With no hope to be found,
Nor manifested.
I have lost my ability,
To try and find.

Feeling myself slipping,
Or maybe just fearing it.

Losing hope.
Losing it gradually.
As I desperately cling on,
But find nothing to hold onto.
Find nothing where I once had.

I fear the path I had once tread,
I have tried to improve,
To heal,
But cannot tell,
I did make progress,
But now I fear,
I’ve just opened up the wounds,
Where they open and sting,
Bringing me down under.

But I am losing this battle.
Despite trying.
Trying to keep hope.
To keep myself true.
But it saddens me most that I forgot,
The things that were to givs me hope.

Been depressed most of this weekend, all today, most of this week. Very depressed. Terrible. Even now, trying to cheer myself up, find hope desperately, even the one thing that gave me hope I cannot find it. Couldn’t even motivate myself to go out and do photography, was lazy and couldn’t think of any inspiration.

I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide,
What I feel.
Angry, sad or happy,
To feel such bliss and care.
To be opened up, when I had lost.
To open up.
My heart. Closed to the world.
Having given up.

And then,
Opened up.
Shown light and care.
Given me my best moments in my life,
Making me comfortable in my own skin,
In my own life.

To be dashed and changed.
Where I do not know.
Do not know what happened.
A crazy time of changes.
A time that has, no matter what,
Changed my life.

The question I ask,
The thing I cannot decide.
Do I regret this?
Do I?

The life to be taken away, the sight of what is true,
When all is okay,
I even asked myself during that time.
Why is everything so good?
In every way,
Finally feeling alive.
Okay with me, myself and living in my skin.

But to be taken away.

I say I cannot decide,
Because I do not want to.

But I’ve always known,
Will always know.
I do not regret.

It’s given me everything.
I can drop dead happy.
Knowing I lived a happy life,
Even if it was only for one month.

Better to leave it alive and kind,
That tainted with hardship.
But too late for that now.
Too late.
Broken heart,
Broken life,
Broken dreams and crushed underfoot.

Now nothing’s left,
But a facade,
One I keep,
For me as much as for you.
For this I’m the most sorry of all,
For myself,
How this goes.

Just to See

Just to see,
The reason and the being,
I finally see.
Can feel the life flowing through my veins.

The reason etched in my heart.
The why.
Life made true,
Me true, in knowing,
Knowing and finding,
From which the finding comes results and change.
The change itself from the determination of will.

I finally feel alive,
Knowing and wanting to be.
To try.
To make my mark,
To live my life.
It gets hard.

But knowing my reason,
Is the cure for all these ills.
The truth of me.

The day started rough. First day on antidepressants. Nauseous and excessive yawning like every 5 minutes. Felt sick and tired. Slept when I got home as so tired.

But had a catch-up and 3 drinks with a friend, chatting about lots of stuff, relationship stuff, his and mine. But yeah. Was nice. Was nice to help, to know, he said I knew a lot more about shit he’s surprised I did. Told him. It’s because I’m good at seeing the person they themselves hide from sight. Seeing past the facade, because I know I have many of my own I’ve been living for many many years. I can understand people more than they know. And I’ve found this often scares most people. Oh well.

It was nice, feel more in love, much better than I have in a while, remembering all my efforts for self improvement and bettering many aspects I’ve needed for ages. Remembering the reason, it’s all for me, but love was the reason to choose to do it now and make it work, to succeed. For the moments had, the happiest moments ever felt. I will get better. I know.

Because. More than ever in my whole life, I have reason to. That’s the thing, all these things needing improvement, improving may be difficult, but the hardest thing for me always has been. Finding the reason to bother to. The reason to try, the reason to change from the norm. But for the first time ever, I’ve had a true reason to try to make it all work.

And I know, when I find something I know I want to work (like Uni was for me) then I will succeed because there is no other alternative, no option, just success or success

Feel Myself Slipping

Feel myself slipping,
Breaking and falling,
As I’m thinking and thinking,

Feeling the feelings and memories slipping.
Not knowing if I should let it die.
Let my happiness die.
Leave it by the wayside.
Not knowing if it’ll be found ever again.
With nothing but hope left,
Hope that’s been long dead.
Even before I found.

But I don’t know.
Don’t know what to do,
To think,
And my brain bipolar.
Thoughts switching moods in an instant.
Breaking me apart,
My mind,
Cannot cope with the feelings,
The change.
The erratic shifts.

But I.
Cannot see.
All I can do is try.
Long after I’ve given up.
So I just go on,
Hoping my body will try.
To keep going.

All I have left,
Is the loss and pain.

I have lost.
Lost at this game.
Even the pretense,
My game of pretend,
The lie I convinced myself,
In order to convince others,
I cannot play anymore.
It takes too much.

This mood,
Takes too much out of me,
Just living,
Before doing what I need,
In order to live.

But yes.
The small moments.
A song comes on,
A thought pops in my mind’s eye.
May give a little hope,
But I see it all for what it is.
Have seen for years now,
But not wanting to ‘know’.
A false pretend,
The creation, living within,
An alternative reality within my head.

For most my life now,
I spend more time,
Living in a world within my head.
To escape the pain of life.
All happy times but one,
Only exist within my mind.
Leaving reality behind.

But even that last one,
The last bastion of happiness,
Living within reality,
Now, also, only lives within my mind.
In my memories,
My memories of a time.

Today, mixed, not the worst, but still. Nice seeing people care, my skills and achievements. But when I think of it, none of it feels like it matters. Just empty. But not the worst day ever, so that’s something?