So alone. Want to die.

Randomly my mum messaged, she’s been depressed a long time, probably like my dad. They don’t know, family doesn’t know. She messaged and I’m giving her life advice while looking up suicide photography for inspiration. Ironic. Helping her. They don’t know. They don’t know and never will. Not until I’m free.

Funny, giving her advice to get out of depression when I’ve sunk too deep.

For I Just Died

For I have died and do not know.
My death, for after such a high,
The fall killed me.
It crushed me.
After leaving me suffer,
Crying for death.
For it all to just end.

It’s all I’ve wanted.
For so long now,
I had escaped, and it gave me life.
Which was then taken away.
Being left back here.
Killed me.

A slow death.
A neverending suffering.

The world set alight,
My body burning through the night.
A freedom gained,
In wanting the end.
A freedom, peace,
Only found with the realisation.
I have lost all.
But for I am happy, I was happy.
For that month, was worth more than the rest of my life.

For please take me to rest,
In this cold dead slumber.
I am finally ready.
To walk down the cold dark road.
To greet every monster as my only friends.
To turn my back on the light.

The demons they smile.
For they have won, when I stop fighting.
I can go, grab their hand.
And walk into the darkness.
Shedding all the light I have ever known.

A beauty in this realisation.
In knowing.
All my demons here,
They’ve found me.
Just rip me apart,
And I smile, as I cry.
I know.
Life, a cruel test.

So grab my hand my monsters. I walk into the depths of the shadows.
Taking a step at a time.
Walking down the path to this very place.
Falling far.

Breaking apart.
I see.
The cruel eyes.
Death in my mind.
Beauty to find in death.
A peace, an end, a remembrance,
An escape.

Oh death, you feel so familiar,
So sweet my good friend.
I’ve known you for all these years,
And now realise,
Living has been dying.
So I can go,
Old friend take my hand.
We can journey together down this darkest of roads.
Finally feeling at peace.
Peace within life, for walking down this road with death.

I ran so far.
Now I cannot run anymore.
But I gave it a go.
Gave it all I can,
Did my best.

Let me cry in this dark place,
For my soul has lost its way. Lost everything held dear.
Wishing. Wishing. Wishing to die.

As the claw reaches out,
Though this dark, twisted door,
It beckons,
I am not in fear,
The dark cannot hurt,
For I have hurt like the totality of the world.
For I can walk without fear,
Conviction in knowing I have done all I can.
So the claw my grab me,
And I shrug it off,
And take a final step.
Step inside.
Walking down this place.
Knowing I feel at home.
This is my time, my place.
I know it.
I can fall and rest in the embrace of the abyss.
Let it break my every bone,
As I laugh, as it consumes me.

I laugh as I fall,
Let the abyss take me.
For I know this is what I want now.
I tried everything,
I can now say I know.
I know.

Let go.
Let the fall happen.
It’s fine.
It’s now time for the fall.

Been a terrible day. All I can do is listen to sad music, and wish for only death. Pray for it. Will it. Push myself deeper, over the edge to finally end it all.

I’ve tried so hard, so much, to get better. But it’s gotten worse. Thinking back to that time the time I have never been as happy, content with life, amazing every minute even when anything was really difficult I managed, had hope, had life, had a will to go on and be amazing. Had a glimpse and it felt amazing but having lost it is totally soul destroying.

I’m so sad. I’m so sorry. I am so sad, sorry, and sorry that I wish to die. I hate it. But I can’t deny it any longer. So sad I can’t cry. I’m angry and need to push my sadness till I fall off the edge and never return. Push myself to hell to burn and hope I look to find an escape from my own living hell. Clearly the antidepressants aren’t working. They were my last chance. The only thing, left to try. I feared this. Do not fear death anymore. Not after a lifetime of only pain. I’m sad, but happy I’ve finally realised, I’ve tried, everything. Now I can die knowing, I did my best. Sorry. For I hope I never wake up. It’d be easier for everyone. I’m such a pain. Let Hell welcome me with open arms, for I am accustomed to pain eternal. đź’”

The Panic Sets In

The panic sets in,
Heart beating hard, out my chest.
Anxiety at every movememt,
Vision blurred, axiety in the world,
Everyone looking,
I am in PAIN.
Breaking down.
The world rough.
Everything dying.
Every cell wanting to die.
All. As the panic sets in.

It sets in.
Breaks me down.
Crushes my soul.

I thought I was getting better.
Thought I progressed.
Not tired,
But exhausted.
Nothing there.
Only dying.
As my breaths,
They race ahead,
Without me.
Without even a cause.
Vision blurred.
The panic it kills.
It breaks and festers.
It all breaks.
It all is pain.
Begging for an escape.
Any way.

Want to run from the world.
Hide at home.
Break me apart.
My mind is not even there writing this,
My body writes while my mind is stuck.
Within a loop of thinking.
Daily life kills,
It breaks,
It ruptures.
It all gives me pain.