Having Killed All The Feeling.

Having killed all the feeling.
In losing the last thing I cared about,
It’s set me free.

Given me a rage at everything,
A calm, peaceful rage.
The intellect to see,
The rage to hate.
My body scarred and broken.

Broken glass, knives and burns.
Oh how I never knew,
How the pain tastes so sweet,
Blood dripping down my side,
A beauty in watching my life-blood fall and flow away.
In the pain, my wrath against my body and mind.
Determination to see pain consume me,
As it already has.

To rip and tear at my skin,
Now so resistant to the cuts.
A week of pain shall be my final remedy.

Had the toughest days of my life yesterday and the day before. Spent 28 hours of the two days cutting. Attempted suicide yesterday but unfortunately didn’t take more than a normal dose. Maybe another time. At least my note shows an apology from who I was, and not who I am now. That’s how I want people to remember me, the person they knew, not the person I have become, when I have killed all care and feeling and kindness in my body.

I lost my best friend, my family better than family all because of my own fault and me trying to get “better”. Now it’s clear. What I have to do. I can kill all remaining feelings, empathy will be the toughest as it had meant so much. But when I get there, there’ll be no stopping me being free.

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