Today. Has been rough. Tougher than I’ve been. On Sunday evening I even planned and tried to kill myself. Today also planned. Cut myself a lot over the last few days. Spent 30 hours over the weekend cutting. Today first thing as I got home as I took my shirt off I grabbed a knife.

Later on, I sent a message to a crush. Their reply was nice, really wanting to see me sometime soon, after we only met up on Friday. The simple message has made me feel somewhat alive again and wanting to be. I’ve thrown away all the pills I’ve had with me for over 5 years. Got my CBT appointment, and am ready to try again. When after losing my best friend I was more willing to give up totally than I ever have been. They were more to me than family.

It’s sad I’ve lost them. But I have gotta keep trying, even if my mind questions this. I want to. Want to give it a go.

My blogpost, talking about my life, has helped me, to write it all out and see. Got lots of kind messages from tonnes of people whose lives I’ve touched. Even today got a message from my brother talking about seeing his two kittens next I come visit. To think if I killed myself. Worst of all, the thing that stopped me, that’s stopped me for so very long, how it would hurt my best friend, the best person I know. I’m glad I didn’t. Even if we never talk. I will always completely care about them endlessly more than anyone else in a way.

Writing this all down, later than I want, but keeping this for some inspiration for a blogpost about change and stuff and renewal to write tomorrow after some photography.

Feel renewed after 4 days of cutting and trying to plan suicide. But feel finally ready to try and move past this.