Renewal

Today. Has been rough. Tougher than I’ve been. On Sunday evening I even planned and tried to kill myself. Today also planned. Cut myself a lot over the last few days. Spent 30 hours over the weekend cutting. Today first thing as I got home as I took my shirt off I grabbed a knife.

Later on, I sent a message to a crush. Their reply was nice, really wanting to see me sometime soon, after we only met up on Friday. The simple message has made me feel somewhat alive again and wanting to be. I’ve thrown away all the pills I’ve had with me for over 5 years. Got my CBT appointment, and am ready to try again. When after losing my best friend I was more willing to give up totally than I ever have been. They were more to me than family.

It’s sad I’ve lost them. But I have gotta keep trying, even if my mind questions this. I want to. Want to give it a go.

My blogpost, talking about my life, has helped me, to write it all out and see. Got lots of kind messages from tonnes of people whose lives I’ve touched. Even today got a message from my brother talking about seeing his two kittens next I come visit. To think if I killed myself. Worst of all, the thing that stopped me, that’s stopped me for so very long, how it would hurt my best friend, the best person I know. I’m glad I didn’t. Even if we never talk. I will always completely care about them endlessly more than anyone else in a way.

Writing this all down, later than I want, but keeping this for some inspiration for a blogpost about change and stuff and renewal to write tomorrow after some photography.

Feel renewed after 4 days of cutting and trying to plan suicide. But feel finally ready to try and move past this.

Having Killed All The Feeling.

Having killed all the feeling.
In losing the last thing I cared about,
It’s set me free.

Given me a rage at everything,
A calm, peaceful rage.
The intellect to see,
The rage to hate.
My body scarred and broken.

Broken glass, knives and burns.
Oh how I never knew,
How the pain tastes so sweet,
Blood dripping down my side,
A beauty in watching my life-blood fall and flow away.
In the pain, my wrath against my body and mind.
Determination to see pain consume me,
As it already has.

To rip and tear at my skin,
Now so resistant to the cuts.
A week of pain shall be my final remedy.


Had the toughest days of my life yesterday and the day before. Spent 28 hours of the two days cutting. Attempted suicide yesterday but unfortunately didn’t take more than a normal dose. Maybe another time. At least my note shows an apology from who I was, and not who I am now. That’s how I want people to remember me, the person they knew, not the person I have become, when I have killed all care and feeling and kindness in my body.

I lost my best friend, my family better than family all because of my own fault and me trying to get “better”. Now it’s clear. What I have to do. I can kill all remaining feelings, empathy will be the toughest as it had meant so much. But when I get there, there’ll be no stopping me being free.

I’m Done. What You’ve Done.

I’m done,

What you’ve fucking done.
The knife and how it cuts.

All I had, my family better than family.
Only to be lies.
As you hold the knife to my throat,
Show me it all were lies.

You just did it.
Taking away,
All I had, bit by bit.
Pretending in the long game.
The lies.
A whole day cutting.
Cutting into me,
What you did.

You’ve broken me.
You’ve put a full stop to the sentence.

How I’ve wanted to believe otherwise.

Disassociated. I feel.
By not feeling,
Alive, existence.
I don’t feel.
Or relate no more.

It’s all broken lile shattered glass.

Broken and wrecked.
Broken and death.
You, oh why do you do this.
Why do this to me?
Show me everything,
Only to end in all lies.
Broken and filled with hate for the world.
As I tried to see the goodness in the world.

The world only breaks,
If you’ve held only care.
It breaks you,
Tears your life apart.
Tears the whole world down.

You’ve Hurt Me So Much

You’ve hurt me so much.
Caused me great pain,
That I cannot just ignore, anymore.
It all hurts and I don’t care. I exile myself from you.
My best friend, my family,
I truly love you and care.
But I cannot hurt anymore and so I banish myself.

You may think, what I said was the alcohol,
But it far exceeded that,
Goes back to the root of us.
Breaks me over and over.
And I cannot be bothered.
So I choose,
Willingly, reluctantly,
To leave.
To close that past behind me.
To burn the path I once walked.
To put the final words on that page.

It all,
In retrospective,
Feels such a lie,
One I told,
To see the best,
As I do for all.
But I’m tired of building a lie to make the truth bareable.
So I choose,
Make this choice,
To banish myself,
To leave.

The worst thing about clarity,
Is that you may see,
What you do not wish to.
Seeing it all laid out bare,
And I finally accept.
Though I don’t want to.

Those last two nights,
Showed me the truth,
Showed me the pain I had been hiding from myself.

The pain I hid deep to escape the pain.
It worked, for a while.
However a lie can never last forever.
It fades.
And what is left, is worse because of the lie.
Making it all, just that.
A lie I spun.

I never expected this,
But also did.
Knowing the pain,
Seeing it,
Knowing my mind truly,
Knowing this was building the end.
How a lie built will collapse,
How a lie, is the surest way to an end.

You just showed me why,
Showed me the end chapter.
Showed me why.
And all I can do is accept it.
I’m fine,
Killing the feeling makes it easier,
Unfeeling,
A little sad,
But not breaking,
But freeing.
Knowing the pain is justified.
And I’m tired, of just living the lie.
Those nights showed me.

They showed me the timeline laid out bare,
The hurt and pain,
Covered by a lie.

The pain, holding my face to the flames,
But I closed my eyes,
Just not to see.
Now I open my eyes,
To my burnt skin, peeling, ravaged.
It makes the end easier, seeing the grave dug by my own hand,
The burns all of my own creation.
It truly makes it easier,
Reluctance due, I guess to a lie I held so long.

But holding on only lasts so long.
I’m used to being alone and sad.
I can get used to it again.
I can cut myself off,
Getting used to the emptiness.
Embracing and letting it give me a life,
Whatever it may be.
Bringing the pain through pain.
But I’ve always known, but never wanted to.
I should have known,
It would end this way.

This isn’t the first,
Time I’ve tried to leave,
Each a moment of clarity,
As my mind pulls my soul away,
Grabbing my
face away from the flames.
Before taking the plunge.

But now,
The exhaustion,
The death of feeling,
The death of a life wanted but not had.
Meant I can now close,
Without regret, because the path was leading to here.
It always was and I’m fine with this.

It’s the path that was to be taken.


Writing this, thinking, about my best friend, they hurt me so much recently on the two nights out we’ve ha. And to think I was so looking forward to ganging our with them more, to seeing them more and having amazing times. It is exactly this which has done the opposite, made me not want to see them. It hurts. It’s just shown me pain. Worse still, is the contrast the want and shown the opposite. I know where this had to lead. Where it had to before, but I never walked the path. Now I’m too tired to bother lying to myself, to pretending otherwise, I barely have enough energy for anything I have to do than to create a whole other self to try and be happy and think it worth it and lie to myself. It takes the amount of energy to live to do that, duplicating the mind and altering some features, such as the lie to switch into. But I’m too tired for that. Barely holding onto my ‘own’ self than to create another with features that I wanted to have. Even now thinking of plans, things I wanted to chat about, all sorts of stuff all sorts of stuff, all of it. But now I’m just tired and don’t even feel like any of it. Don’t want to. The last two nights out have shown me it, and I am surprised how they have done all that. Done what I thought not possible. I’m just too tired to bother.

I will miss it, will always care, will miss the plans made but left unfulfilled, but with the latter, they were all either lies or built upon them anyway I guess I should hardly be surprised that a house built on quicksand would not last. But surprised I still am. All of the self harm recently especially has been around this. Knowing but not wanting to m is. Seeing more, but it being what I did not want. I must have I guess built a lie, and only when seeing, you see that what I thought was not there. That’s the thing about the truth, living, and science, you can believe what you want. By when it’s shown you can either just lie or accept what you are seeing to be true.

Given Up On Anything Helping

I’ve given up on anything helping, each medication I’ve been put on works until something happens then the rest of it is made redundant.

I couldn’t care less, cutting is all that helps. That and Diazepam, I need it. I need what it brings me. An attitude of not caring about the world. Which allows me to live life for me. No one else. I need it and need to find a way to get it. It’s the only thing in life that’s worked, apart from happy times which are too few and far between, while these small dose pills are the only thing that works.

I’m sick and tired of everything. Just need those meds.

Looking Up Into The Sky, Seeing Your Eyes

As I look up into the night sky,
I just see your eyes,
As I stare, encapsulated.

Always remembering that first night,
How I wonder.
How things changed.
How times change.

And I am left staring alone into the night sky.
Only seeing you,
Your eyes,
Brighter than the Sun,
Kind, and bringing me to life.
I write, this, never wanting to move,
Wanting time to stop,
As I look up and see your eyes.

But times have changed.
I have to go.
To save myself,
From heartbreak that will never go away.
Always with care,
To always be there if you need.

But I must go.
To save you the pain,
Seeing me break.
Seeing my heart break everytime.
I wonder if you ever cared.
To see my heart break.
But I pause.
And remember.
Looking up and seeing your eyes shine.
Ever so bright,
As ever before.

Beauty without compare.
Beauty in eyes, and in your soul.

I always will save.
A special place,
For you in my heart.
Even as I say goodbye.

Reluctant, but I must.

Now as I try,
To tear myself away,
Difficult,
But remembering I’ll always care,
Fills me with hope.

Always wanting to see your smile.
But knowing I cannot.
It will hurt, but also give me life.

So I say goodbye,
With a heavy heart, and a heavier soul.
Knowing it’s goodbye.
In one way or other.

I can’t break myself anymore.

Though it’s never something you’ve done.

It’s my heart.
I care too much,
And I can’t,
It’s not fair on you,
Nor me.

So I try,
To shut off my mind,
Yet will always keep open my heart.

So I move on.
Knowing,
Nothing will replace,
But the memories stay,
The times remembered.

In every sunset,
I see your face,
Remember the times gone past.
Knowing hope,
From having met you,
For but the briefest time.

A time that cannot be replaced.
But I leave happy,
Having met,
You having touched my soul.
Like no other.

But that is fine,
It’s okay,
I’m happy,
To have met, to have seen your smile,
To have seen your face.

You’ve touched my soul,
More than you can ever know.

For even if you have no feelings for me,
I don’t care,
For I do and keep them.
But goodbye is how I go.

Always caring and hoping,
You get all the best,
For I care.
But only wishing I could share in your success.

But I say goodbye,
Caring from afar.

But I’ll never be far,
If you need to talk,
Will travel however far, to be with you so you’re not alone.
Will be there in the difficult times at your beckon,
Or there in spirit if you don’t.
To offer any comfort and support.
That my body and soul can provide.

For I care,
And always will.
For you hold, this special place in my heart, and that will not change.

So alone. Want to die.

Randomly my mum messaged, she’s been depressed a long time, probably like my dad. They don’t know, family doesn’t know. She messaged and I’m giving her life advice while looking up suicide photography for inspiration. Ironic. Helping her. They don’t know. They don’t know and never will. Not until I’m free.

Funny, giving her advice to get out of depression when I’ve sunk too deep.

For I Just Died

For I have died and do not know.
My death, for after such a high,
The fall killed me.
It crushed me.
After leaving me suffer,
Crying for death.
For it all to just end.

It’s all I’ve wanted.
For so long now,
I had escaped, and it gave me life.
Which was then taken away.
Being left back here.
Killed me.

A slow death.
A neverending suffering.

The world set alight,
My body burning through the night.
A freedom gained,
In wanting the end.
A freedom, peace,
Only found with the realisation.
I have lost all.
But for I am happy, I was happy.
For that month, was worth more than the rest of my life.

For please take me to rest,
In this cold dead slumber.
I am finally ready.
To walk down the cold dark road.
To greet every monster as my only friends.
To turn my back on the light.

The demons they smile.
For they have won, when I stop fighting.
I can go, grab their hand.
And walk into the darkness.
Shedding all the light I have ever known.

A beauty in this realisation.
In knowing.
All my demons here,
They’ve found me.
Just rip me apart,
And I smile, as I cry.
I know.
Life, a cruel test.

So grab my hand my monsters. I walk into the depths of the shadows.
Taking a step at a time.
Walking down the path to this very place.
Falling far.

Breaking apart.
I see.
The cruel eyes.
Death in my mind.
Beauty to find in death.
A peace, an end, a remembrance,
An escape.

Oh death, you feel so familiar,
So sweet my good friend.
I’ve known you for all these years,
And now realise,
Living has been dying.
So I can go,
Old friend take my hand.
We can journey together down this darkest of roads.
Finally feeling at peace.
Peace within life, for walking down this road with death.

I ran so far.
Now I cannot run anymore.
But I gave it a go.
Gave it all I can,
Did my best.

Let me cry in this dark place,
For my soul has lost its way. Lost everything held dear.
Wishing. Wishing. Wishing to die.

As the claw reaches out,
Though this dark, twisted door,
Beckoning,
It beckons,
I am not in fear,
The dark cannot hurt,
For I have hurt like the totality of the world.
For I can walk without fear,
Conviction in knowing I have done all I can.
So the claw my grab me,
And I shrug it off,
And take a final step.
Step inside.
Walking down this place.
Knowing I feel at home.
This is my time, my place.
I know it.
I can fall and rest in the embrace of the abyss.
Let it break my every bone,
As I laugh, as it consumes me.

I laugh as I fall,
Let the abyss take me.
For I know this is what I want now.
I tried everything,
I can now say I know.
I know.

Let go.
Let the fall happen.
It’s fine.
It’s now time for the fall.


Been a terrible day. All I can do is listen to sad music, and wish for only death. Pray for it. Will it. Push myself deeper, over the edge to finally end it all.

I’ve tried so hard, so much, to get better. But it’s gotten worse. Thinking back to that time the time I have never been as happy, content with life, amazing every minute even when anything was really difficult I managed, had hope, had life, had a will to go on and be amazing. Had a glimpse and it felt amazing but having lost it is totally soul destroying.

I’m so sad. I’m so sorry. I am so sad, sorry, and sorry that I wish to die. I hate it. But I can’t deny it any longer. So sad I can’t cry. I’m angry and need to push my sadness till I fall off the edge and never return. Push myself to hell to burn and hope I look to find an escape from my own living hell. Clearly the antidepressants aren’t working. They were my last chance. The only thing, left to try. I feared this. Do not fear death anymore. Not after a lifetime of only pain. I’m sad, but happy I’ve finally realised, I’ve tried, everything. Now I can die knowing, I did my best. Sorry. For I hope I never wake up. It’d be easier for everyone. I’m such a pain. Let Hell welcome me with open arms, for I am accustomed to pain eternal. 💔

The Panic Sets In

The panic sets in,
Heart beating hard, out my chest.
Anxiety at every movememt,
Vision blurred, axiety in the world,
Everyone looking,
Staring.
I am in PAIN.
Breaking down.
The world rough.
Everything dying.
Every cell wanting to die.
All. As the panic sets in.

It sets in.
Breaks me down.
Crushes my soul.

I thought I was getting better.
Thought I progressed.
Not tired,
But exhausted.
Nothing there.
Only dying.
As my breaths,
They race ahead,
Without me.
Without even a cause.
Vision blurred.
The panic it kills.
It breaks and festers.
It all breaks.
It all is pain.
Begging for an escape.
Any way.

Want to run from the world.
Hide at home.
Break me apart.
My mind is not even there writing this,
My body writes while my mind is stuck.
Within a loop of thinking.
Panicking.
Daily life kills,
It breaks,
It ruptures.
It all gives me pain.

Lost It All

Lost it all,
Lost in life,
Having failed,
The help from so many others,
Given in vain.
As I feel to give up.
To give in.

Too tired of the fight.
Too tired after all these years of pain.
The monsters of my mind always return.
No matter how much I fight.

A testament to the failed fight.
I tried and failed.

The loss,
Leaving me,
My life, drains faster than I can fight.

It flows and crushes me.
Death staring me in the face.

As I lose.

Losing all hope.

Can’t believe that I once found,
Perfection in this world.
And as I’ve kept fighting,
To find.
It slips further,
Further and further,
Back into time,
A past time.

Brief glimpses,
Memories that burn and give me life.
Until I remember their loss.
Their loss to time.


Not feeling the worst I have, maybe the antidepressants somewhat working. But still, feel empty, with the occasional good day. But they never last. My hope, and love, and life, are leaving me. Leaving my body.