Sad Contentment

Sad contentment,
The realisation.
A sad goodbye.

Realising the pain,
The total bliss.
The amazing times and the rough ones.
Are not worth the pain,
The pain of a turned back,
An enjoyed pain,
Waiting and hurting.

A sad contentment,
From the realisation.
Of what is worth, and what isn’t.
What I saw as worth,
What I always believed,
With others telling me to go.
I always stayed.
To make sure the okay.

A sad contentment,
The realisation I was wrong.
That it’s not worth it.
Even as I still think it might be.
It isn’t.

Back to the hatred to pull myself from it,
Underpinned by a sad contentment.
Realising.
Reluctantly.

The saddest goodbye I’ve never wanted to say.
But I have to,
With sad contentment.
Wishing to stay,
But knowing I cannot,
I’ve known for a while.

But convinced myself otherwise,
To get at that high,
Those smallest of moments,
Smallest of times, making the whole world bright.
Making everything better.

Knowing I have to go, but wanting to stay,
Linger a little longer,
To get to know.

But I have to go.
Off into the wild brush.
With a sad contentment,
I tried,
What I could.
Tried to be the best I could be.

A sad contentment,
Being better, stronger.
The goodbye, a show of strength against all I wanted.
The need of a goodbye.

A sad contentment, getting by.
A sad contentment.
A sad goodbye,
One I do not want to say.

Off I go.
In sad contentment,
Times and feelings that I’ll miss.
Knowing I tried.

Off I go,
In sad contentment,


Writing, I’m okay, in realisation. I care, I don’t want anyone thinking I don’t. I care, I don’t hate, could never hate (at least not truly to my heart). But. Sometimes you need to get out, even though their are good times, even if they all outweigh any bad, and even make the bad very temporary. I’m tired living a lie. A lie I’ve told myself for so long. I always value truth, especially to myself, the only thing I’d ever consider lying to myself. But I cannot anymore.

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My Confused Feelings

My feelings, confused but in my head, I think writing may help think things over.

I like a good friend, a lot, just being there. Just the most simple things, spending a quiet moment with, not even doing anything.

I care about them totally. But know I should stop. Some friends say to stop. I can’t help it but maybe need to. She doesn’t like me like that. Has closer friends than me,

Doesn’t care about me the same way, but is an amazing friend, does care about me as a person.

But I don’t know if she knows I still like her, or somehow forgot. Does she know? I was going to ask if she shows how I feel but like, I don’t totally know, want to forget but also remember.

My mind says the former but my heart says the latter.

It is hard. But recently I am, I have been much better.

Have a lot to think about, a lot to decide.

Got to think.

Got to think.

A Goodbye I Am Reluctant to Say

A goodbye I am reluctant to say.
A goodbye, I knew may come,
But never wanted to,
Always put off.

The pain of letting go,
Someone you care about,
Someone whose happiness makes you’re day all that better.

Someone to talk with,
Laugh with.
And smile with.

But what if it’s all based on a lie?
A lie I tell,
To put aside the pain,
For a time.

I never want to hurt you.
That’s the last thing I want.
Maybe I should have said goodbye sooner,
The goodbye I am reluctant to say.
To spare you pain.
Or maybe you will feel none,
I surely hope you don’t.
No matter what I end up feeling.

A care, once given,
Always present,
But only can be from afar.

I care, always do, no matter what I show,
But hating, is the best way to shield from the pain.
The pain of caring.

I feel clear,
Yet also conflicted,
Thinking back the night,
The times all these years,
Remembering all the smallest details,
Just thinking of you.

I must say goodbye,
One I am reluctant to say.
Have always been reluctant to say.
My feelings,
They hurt me so.
While you don’t feel the same.

I understand,
But please leave me to heal,
Let me leave.
Let me live.

This is heartbreaking to say,
And as I type, reluctant.
Thinking of the memories,
Staying,
But the feelings slowly erasing.
I only feel sad.
Sad for my loss.
Loss of a friend,
Loss of a person I care about.

But as you’ve said.
Sometimes you have to let go,
To collect,
To heal,
To move on and be better.

That is what I have to do.
I’ve known for a while.

I have been better than before,
But the feelings won’t fade,
While I’m still around you.
I’ve known that since the start.

You’ll never know how much I cared,
How much I care.
I cannot explain with language.

But no matter,
I must go.
A goodbye, I am ever-so reluctant to say.
That committing the words is difficult.

Never wanting this poem to end.
Never wanting this goodbye to be said.

But seeing no other option.
All my closest friends telling me to get out.
Caring as though they are,
They don’t understand.

The main reason,
For this goodbye I am reluctant to say.
For you to be better,
To be unburdened by pain,
Pain that will come,
Sooner or later.
From my caring heart,
Too big for a single person to hold, but I do.
Wanting you.

To have the best.
Be the best.
And I fear deeply, that this means goodbye.

The goodbye. I am most reluctant to say.


Writing, with thanks to a few close friends, helping me to see what I should have. Helping me out when I needed it.

I had an amazing night with rough parts, sorry to say goodbye. Sorry for that. I always give my best and forget to make myself okay, always putting another first. For if you care about someone, that’s what you do, for a time. But this is totally like that. It is good most of the times, amazing even, but others, it breaks me apart. Even if these feelings are almost all good, I’m sick of lies, sick of trying to convince myself of hope or a lie I do not truly believe but want to.

My favourite quote ever, made by myself, before, thinking of the same person, paraphrasing, it goes like “I would face my demons, just so I could help you face yours”. This holds true. This holds true. But I have come to realise, with this one-way feeling, that I cannot face my demons, without saying goodbye to you, but I’ll always be hoping you face yours and win. Hoping you succeed. Will always be a call away in your time of darkest need. As, I always care, I always will.

Thinking of the singing tonight, the small things you said, how you do not care like I do. That’s fine. But I must get out.
I have deleted the poems written tonight in pain,
Instead to write true from my heart and mind.

Only sad to see it end,
Sad to see it end on this note.
Only hoping for your best.

I can write for hours and not say what I truly feel, what I truly want to say.
But I try.

I have been better recently, so much so, even if my poetry tonight and recently do not show. But, this is why I know I do need to leave. Do need to say goodbye. To avoid a dark place. As I come to realise, you do not care about me like I do you. I don’t have any blame to give. But I need to, find space to live.

I have a christmas present I still want to give, a small something, not about me, or us, but you. Something I hope you’d let me. But I guess that’s to be seen, or not.

Wishing you, the very best, something I know you can and will succeed.
I’m only saddened by the times, to be lost, past and future.
Saddened that I cannot be there to witness, your success.

Even after publishing I do not know if I really want to say this.
But you deserve the truth.
I hope to ever bone not to cause you any pain.
I’d rather anything and everything else.

But in the end,
I guess this is what makes this,
A goodbye I am so reluctant to say.

Written. Night of the 7th December. Leaving to publish later. To see if I can carry on without the saddest goodbye. I do not want to say.

Published, night of the 10th December, a record of how I felt. With recent happenings, chats, amazing times making it all complicated. But also amazing.

Everything’s going well.

Random blog,

Everything’s going well, I’m feeling so happy, feeling amazing, stronger, in myself. But my feelings like before are still the same, the attraction.

Everything is nice and well. But still end up being confused and somewhat conflicted. In terms of my feelings, for this person I have a crush on. A massive crush. One I’ve tried to kill the feelings for a long time.

But even a single meeting is enough to undo months and months of painful effort. In the end I like the feeling and don’t want to cut it off. But the confused feelings, I may have to and I know it. But it’s the last thing I want to do.

Hanging out with her, makes everything simple, everything nice, it’s not only her, but everything gets better, my work, effort, conversations, laughs, smallest moments, moments that I can say are the best moments that I can recall. Even if I try not to admit it to myself, as it makes it harder to keep my distance.

Haha, everything’s amazing, I just hope it isn’t built on a lie. And if it is, then I can find the truth and leave. Because anything else will crush me and lead me back where I’ve tried so hard for so long to escape. The darkness. But I am stronger and have gotten better with everything.

Blog of an Overthinker

A blog, about my overthinking.

The poems written today, all to do with my overthinking. They seem negative, even if they are, I am okay and do not mean them as such. I use poetry to get overthinking out and off my chest.

A really close friend of I, bumped into me today, they brightened up my day, and saved me from overthinking and put me in a good mood for the rest of my shift at work. For the rest of the day.

Overthinking is a battle, for your own mind, yourself.

It’s caused me heartache and depression for, multiple times and such lowest depths.

But honestly I am okay, overall greater than I have been for such a long time, feeling much better. I have gotten stronger. I will overcome all my struggles.

But one thing I haven’t lied about. The love and care, I hold for this person, but also that I do not want this care to hurt them. But I care about them and will do what I can to help.

Poems today, a product of overthinking:

Memory of a Time
Reluctant Tear
Hate that I Love You, But I do.
To Bear the Rough

All Of Me

That feeling,
All of me,
Shown to you.

Whole before,
But with you, something more.

Me before you.
All I can.

All I would do,
For you.
I cannot even know.

In those brightest moments,
All I can think of is you.

Those times shared,
Feelings felt.
All of me,
When I’m with you.

All those times shared.
The bright to move with.
All you say.
All you do.
All I would do for you.
Anything, to help you better.

You have all of me.
In care,
In love, never to falter.
Trust me, I’ve tried.

A golden person,
Kind, caring, meaningful, intelligent and beautiful.
A model to behold.

Your hurt,
Becommingg mine,
To help and hold.
Care and console.
To hold your hand and fight it through.

No matter what you face,
Never alone if you don’t want to be.

I’ll have your back.
Be by your side.
Care when you’re down.
Hold you up,
To stop you drown.
All of me.
All I can offer.

Deserved and meaningful.
Beautiful and blissful.
Never will I forget.

All of me.

The way you are,
Perfect to me,
Nevermind how I try to see past.
Reality hitting me hard.
You.
Your beauty and kindness is always there.
My love and care.
I try.
All I can.

All of me.


I could spend all night writing this.

I really want to. But cannot, should not.

All my feelings. Bursting me at the seams.

The feelings,

The perfection from normalcy. From reality.

Being, living in a perfection.

Loving, living, being life, alive.

Words can never explain.

But poetry is be best way I can try.

All of me. In a poem. My very best. All I have. All I can. All I offer. All of me.

Ramblings On Love, and Life

Something to share, to be, feel and give.

Something whole, yet always wanting more, to give more, share more, show more.

To face down darkest times, to help fight a way through the dark, and to find a way when it isn’t clear. To find a way to help when one isn’t shown. And when all options have been exhausted. To give a kind embrace, of heart, mind, and actuality, to help. The best feeling. To give your all, to help someone you deeply care about. To be there, even if their pain hurts you to see them so. Bear it, to help them even for but a moment. Especially if they would, they have, done the same for you.

Held you through your trials, your troubles. It isn’t owed, but in the mind it is. Confusing. Like an unsaid promise, not done because of obligation but an self-internal obligation for yourself and for them.

Such feelings cannot be explained. Only felt. Rare as they are. They are perfect. They are everything but at the same time, not, an important part of many that make you whole.

I could write for days right now. But should not.

Amazing to think, all they’ve been through, to help. I’m under no obligation to, but the one I set myself. The one I must fulfil only because of my choice, my care, my love and choice.

This feeling, bliss and happiness, I urge everyone, as I will try to do. To infuse it into everything else:

The will, power, determination, happiness, strength, care, compassion, love, hope, persistence. To feeling good, no, great, amazing. For yourself, everything, everyone. Then the sun will shine through the thick fog, over any mountain, rendering everything perfect, even as it isn’t, it will be.

An everything from not everything to make everything into a perfection that isn’t perfect, but at the same time, it is.


Looking at all the WordPorn phrases I’ve saved, picking the best related ones, the ones that touch me and bring tears of joy, happiness and deep thought. Here they are:

Always There

Always there,
Always kind.
To protect when I can,
To help always,
To console in the times of darkest need.

A care,
A motive I cannot explain.
A gut instinct,
A desire to help.
The enthusiasm your smile brings,
Enough to melt ice, or to end the night.

Just to offer my all,
A mere kindness, though small.
It’s what I have to offer, what I can.

Through thick and thin.
I’ll always be there to help.
A pact for myself,
Fulfilling kindness.

The care I cannot explain.

That care.
Always there.

How To Break From – Part 2: The Return

A path left open,
Another shines the light.
To give you reason.
To climb out of the darkest depths there are.

Not to give you life,
To give you strength,
To go grab it for yourself.

Shining on high.

With their own demons.
But able to shed light.
To pull another,
From their darkest depths.
To make a return.

A return to life,
A return to existence.

In the mere little moments.
A world in my eyes.
For giving me the smallest moment,
Is a break from…
The world of darkness.

The Angel of my eyes.
For giving me a chance,
For giving me.
Strength to make my return.

 


A poem, I wrote thinking of you, of how you helped me, more than you know, more than you’ll ever know.

I found my strength,
As you opened a hand out for me.
With a mere smile, a ‘hello’.
A kindness, I remember with all my heart.

Written 30/Oct/2017 1:50pm UTC – Unsure when I’ll publish this.

How To Break From – Part 1: The Break

The break.
To turn the mind against itself,
To make constant pain for itself.
To break oneself again, and again.
Any feeling to be broken down and apart.

To story of breaking from.

To see them.
The mind fills with pain.
The hands shake uncontrollably,
With heart beating fast,
Almost bursting out your chest.
Having to turn away and run.
The mind plagued for a time after.
The memory,
You apply the pain to yourself.
Until it’s what you’re used to.

Living in pain.
Until it’s all you know.
A daily torment of the mind.
Eventually, it becomes you.
The ever-pain.
Going through life like a ghost.
Wanting to move on.

All the pain.
From your own hand,
Your own making.
To break from.
Allow a movement away.

Turning a good memory, toxic,
A kindness, harsh,
The fun, a form of torment.
An architect of my mind,
Turning it all against me.
Left alone, a demon in the dark.
Clawing out,
Clawing in.

Until the feeling stops.
Not only one,
All.

 


For my friend on Moodtrack. Who is looking for a way to get past, looking for a way to break from.

This is how I did.

It works, but it takes its toll.

It’s a method, I wouldn’t recommend to anyone, hence I haven’t mentioned it to you if you’re reading this.

Truthfully, it’s like death.
To escape death.
A death of the mind, but continuation of the body.
Feeling an empty vessel.
Devoid of all emotions.
Left a wasteland,
As I had torched my mind.
Of the memory,
Of it all.

It’s not all totally depressing. There’s a second part, first is the wrecking, tearing yourself apart from within the mind. Turning everything sour and dark. But after, in my experience, a rarity, but happens by chance. If you leave a path for someone else to walk. To take a peak, to reach in and, give you light. So you can climb out yourself.

Written 30/Oct/2017 1:30pm UTC – Unsure when I’ll publish this.