Losing The Time Piece By Piece

Losing it, piece by piece,
Motivation for everything,
The hope, the will trying to be better and better.
It all hitting home hard.

The lose of this object,
Imbued with so much.
An object of happiness, pain, hardship, betterment and hope.

A sign, while also holding,
Onto the memories,
They drift slowly,
Slowly and slowly out of my mind.
Memories I kept dear, oh I kept so dear.

I tried.
Have been making strides, great strides,
To be better and better,
Slowly getting better,
Then one by one,
The situations I’ve faced and faced.
Crush my spirit again and again.
Over and over.

I have tried so hard.
So very hard.
To find and be happy,
To find worth in life.
To find the beauty in all that could be seen and felt.
I made progress,
And then the world crushes every glimmer.

Again and again,
I’m crushed under the weight.
How many more steps can I go till I stop.
How much more can I take?
Before losing too much to take.
I don’t know.
Have I reached the limit already.

Dread from every moment conscious and breathing.
Knowing every step I take,
Is followed by a blow.
To my heart, my mind and soul.

I tried,
I tried so hard.
I gor so far. I went and went.
But it doesn’t matter. Life always crushes me so.

Always just pretending to be okay,
Pretending I can cope.

I am trying so hard.
But when making progress.
I am crushed.
Over and over.

That I want it just to end.

The pain of living, breathing, trying only to be knocked back.
Crushed under the weight of life.

I tried.
Want to find the will to try again.
I don’t know how anyone does it.
To continue and try.

I’ve suffered at the hands of my demons for so very long.

So so very long over a decade now,
It’s not all been bad,
I’ve tried to live, to care about all those I meet.
To live my best life.
To try and bring help to others when so lost.
I end up just so very alone.
In a world where I’m dead in the mind, but alive in body.

No one understands,
This object held so dear,
Worn everyday for so long.
Imbued it with hope, positivity, and overcoming hardship,
It meant the world.
And I didn’t even know,
Until I lost it.
It reminded me,
Life, positivity,
Being thinking and trying.
But now.

After it all,
For so much, so long.
I have lost.

How can I move on?
Having lost an object,
Formed, imbued, in the best memories I’ve had in life,
It kept those times alive,
Long past when the times themselves faded.
Long past they faded.

How long till I fade?
Every glimmer and shine?
Every but of positivity in a world that just crushes me.

How long?
Has the time already come?
Was this the last time?
The last bit,
The loss of everything,
Past, present and future.
All this in an object,
Like noone else will understand.


Today’s been so rough. Felt alright going out to take photos. Lost my ring. It held so much sentimental value. I stayed and looked for it for two hours before the last bus for a long trip home.

Also getting sick with sinus pain. Stopped smoking for a month and bought a pack after losing the ring. Thinking of re ring a metal detector and going back next weekend to try again and find it.

I feel I’m losing the memories since losing the ring.

I’ve been trying so hard; putting the past behind me, eating better, trying to be better in so many ways. And since all this effort to be better, more than I’ve ever tried. It’s been one thing after another without break. Worse than any other time. Feel empty, lost, without everything. And I’ve been trying and it’s all being lost. Everything’s fading. I hate it. I’ve been trying! And I’m losing everything!

I tried. I really really tried. I tried and things have only gotten worse after getting a little better briefly. Losing this ring has really really hit me hard.

Feel so dead while being conscious and seeing this myself.

I’m sick and tired of it all. I’ve tried so hard every day. Again and again. Pushing against everything and it all pushes back tenfold.

Going to be truly honest like I havn’t in almost a year on here.

I’ve had reason recently to improve my mental health, life and living more than any other time in my life.

I’ve been living without a bed in my flat for a year, due to finances and the bigger reason; not wanting to commit to large items, not wanting to ‘get comfortable’ in the city in which I live. Because I didn’t know if I wanted to stay. Didn’t want to commit. I’ve finally had a bed for a few weeks now, but have been sleeping worse than the whole year without because, well, I don’t entirely know. My mental health.

I’ve been eating better, I know how to cook, always have since I was a kid, never bothered cooking unless I had a friend coming over, because why do it just for me? Why bother more than sustenence to live, to survive. Maybe this had impacted my mental health, but now eating better it’s all gotten worse? So what now?

I’ve tried to improve personal aspects like through mindfulness, it worked somewhat until recently, like the last week or 2. Been doing it every weekday after work. To calm. To put things into perspective. Because I’d ran out of every other option. Every other thing to try. Counselling hasn’t worked the last 3 times I tried. It helps so long as I’m in the session, and when I leave the room it was like I was never in there. With my work program for counselling and phone service, it’s the same story, the phone is put down and it’s back to before the call. Almost like talking to people, I can fake happy, and believe I am, for the sake of the pretend. And as soon as we stop chatting then its back to sadness.

Even with mindfulness I’ve tried to spin things positivly, like losing the ring, I thought maybe it’s good to lose the object, and embrace the memories more into my mind, or even to attach it to an association like a song or something, like my necklace to keep the memories and associations by reimbueing them into another item harder to be lost. Or eveb just into my mind more fully and easier to recall. But no. I realised as I feel I’m losing the memories. Or even trying to spin it’s maybe good to lose those memories. But again, no. The memories with that worthless object, one priceless to me. Represent the only time I’ve ever been truly happy, truly content, at peace with me, everything, everyone, and my place in the world. The only time in 23 years. So, how am I to say ‘yes’ to just forgetting that? Even writing this is making me cry. It’s pathetic? Probably, hurting myself makes it feel a bit ‘better’ (not the word I’d use). Even thinking of getting a metal detector and in a week going back, for one last try, to find it. Will truly think on that plan.

Feeling lost in place, without knowing a goal or path in life, I lost Uni, lost academia and the hopes and dreams I had. Don’t know any others, can’t even think of a plan or alternative.

I’m so lonely, lonelier than I ever have been. I’ve made it so far. Did what I didn’t think I could do. Not only did I manage through hard work to start my second year of my Undergrad as I couldn’t afford it until I got my job. It allowed me to continue to 3rd year, it allowed me to do my Masters which I couldn’t afford and struggled with finances to manage it and I did that too. I also then have managed to stay here in this city which I had no idea I could do. Didn’t think it possible. But now? No path so Uni left me in the past, adrift like driftwood. I have friends at work who I don’t see outside of work often, my old friends I never really see at all anymore. So. The city I tried to stay in, has lost everything. I have lost it all. Feeling lonelier than ever. I tried to remedy this with photography. But even that, it’s lonely, it’s done out of pain, it’s a coping mechanism for mental health problems and loneliness. So even writing this all out. I tried everything so hard and it’s all turned out nought. I have been really considering recently to go back where I come from. But even there, I only have one friend, they work most of their time to go on holidays. I’ll have no one. So I’m lonely where ever in the only two places I have ever known. I’ve tried to be better, make the most. But writing this all out, breaks me apart totally. Every effort in my life, shown a failure, or meaningless and I don’t know which is worse. It all laid out. Everything summed up in one phrase, “tried hard, everything, and failed“.

Even writing this post, being totally truthful for some catharsis and honesty, to many things that even I’ve tried to hide from myself.

Recently I have truly tried. Truly. More than in my whole life. I thought writing this may be cathartic, maybe a bit, but it has also put everything into perspective. I’m alone in the world, nothing can help, and everything I’ve done has failed or been meaningless. And I thought I tried hard and the world crushed me before writing all this but. It’s hit home even worse now then.

Truthfully, over the many years, wanting to commit suicide until the recent times being truly happy stopped those thoughts dead in their tracks. Luckily these thoughts haven’t returned fully, trying so hard to keep them at bay. But it’s getting harder with all the aforementioned trying and only pain and emptiness and loneliness as a reward. But back in my 3rd year. I kept tonnes of painkillers by my bedside. Hoping I could. At the worst, I would go out with friends, get drunker than ever, and warp my mind myself to force me over the edge, I know how my mind works and what thought patterns would put me into a spiral to do this. I would hold a terrible situation and force it hard to spiral deeper. But one thing stopped those worst of times. Others I care about, family and most importantly my best friend, someone who it broke me thinking of her reaction. So I stopped everything and wrote poetry. The only reason to be alive, to not cause others pain, and causing myself more. Living, trapped in existence, chained to life by my care and empathy for others. It literally saved my life many a time. But I fear with this loneliness recently, the last thing has been taken away. I fear and don’t know. Can’t even really say fear. I have no idea. I have tried so hard recently, holding on, trying to hold a reason. A reason long dead but I keep it alive in my head to keep on and on trying to be better.

It’s sad to think. This ring meant so much to me. Writing all this, spilling my soul onto the page, truths I’ve never told a soul, one lasting over 5 years, maybe 10. All for a ring? Losing it today. Has laid it all bare before me. Everything I’ve tried, recently more than ever, and I’ve lost it all. Every bit of positivity to look forward and try again. Being lost and lost. Over and over again. I even see in my head, another glimmer to hold on hope. But I don’t even know if I want to grab it. That ring. Meant so much. Held and holds so much for me, in every way. I wore it every day, in the good times and the bad. It gave me hope and reminded me. I need it. I guess I won’t be able to sleep tonight. But I guess that’s the least of my problems.

How can everyone do this? Continue while being crushed by it all? I feel bad as I’m not in the worst situation of all. But, even then I don’t care, if I had that ring I could at least try. Remind myself. Last night I wrote a poem of sadness, but this morning was okay, writing to vent, and even then, I wasn’t feeling bad, just thinking and empty. I don’t know what tomorrow will be like. All I can think about is how to try and find that ring. How can anyone do this? Continue after the world crushes and crushes again and again unceasingly, uncompromisingly and mercilessly.

Advertisements

Enigma

Enigma in memory,
A place of being,
A puzzle for us all.

The moment passed by so fast.
Continuing its enigma,

The time and place,
So alien.
Not recognising this space,
A landscape unfamiliar.

Trying to find,
Throughout this enigma.
A world unfamiliar,
Giving glimpses,
Brief glimpses of what I knew.

Before the revelation of the difference,
The lies and the change.

Being followed around by this enigma,
A world enigma.


Writing this thinking, a great night out and day with workmates, so good, ending amazing with someone I care about and like. But then so much happened. Some days when everything is so good, too many things that it confuses me, I know I’m writing cryptically. I guess I’m thinking, trying to sort it all out. Working out this enigma.

Feeling happy, thinking of my crush. Came across them there, totally by accident. Was good to meet up, we started chatting, before they hiccuped mid-sentance and they ran off. Was unbelievably cute and an enigma in my mind.

Mood changed in an instant from writing the last paragraph, mood changed in the time for a thought. Read something another friend sent. Thinking still, the enigma.

One Such Chance Encounter

One such encounter,
That far off time,
That such time,
But not far off,
Within my mind.

That kind encounter.
Those times,
That life can bring.

Casual,
That care.

That far off time
That,
One such encounter,
For but a brief time.

Such was that time.
For the fleeting moment.

The one moment,
Out of my darkness it came.
That such chance.

Fleeting in its momentary state.

That time,
The one I didn’t see,
As clearly as I would like.

That moment,
A dear moment,
Casual in,
Wonderful in,

One such encounter.


Writing a storyesque poem, thinking back on a time, seemingly so long ago, meeting someone so nice,

So nice to talk to. By total accident. Total chance.

It helped me, for a while, escape from a bad situation, my mind become free. Such a casual, unusual, beautiful encounter.

One I truly miss.

Out of many memories of mine, it’s probably the one I miss most. It was casual, pure, unexpected, an escape for the both of us, I think, perhaps. For a time.

If there’s a memory, a time I could relive, I probably would choose that. Remember it so well, it brought a light to that whole weekend, when I felt lost.

Such a time, from one such chance encounter.

Time Transcendent

Time transcendent,
Mountains of time,
The smooth river flow.

The past on to the present,

Memories, blazened into my mind.
The heart fixed in place.

A person’s change,
An ever-precious moment, place.

Tranquility, remembrance of the time.
A theme of throughout.

As the time transcendent.
The present in its finite moment,
A present gleaming.

Oh the how.
How the moment may transcendent the physical time of present.
The day of now.

As this time isn’t transcendens,
Its temporary, a measure


Writing this, thinking, just finished a series that I was really a fan of as a kid, remember the feeling, my emotions and the place I saw scenes first when I watched this many years ago.

The tv series a friend got me into recently, a series they remind me of.

Watching it recently, was very eye-opening. The same scenes, vastly different times, vastly different versions of me, having gone through vastly different circumstances. Yet my reaction, my memory, my feelings, all the same.

Such a good series that I’m glad to have visited again. Brings mixed feelings, as a good piece of work always should. It should be able to take you out of your place, put you in another and also put you and your mind into the mind of another.

Make Its Worth

To make its worth,
A new day, new time,
Living,
A time,
A wondrous re-emergence.
Saving from the cold.

A time,
Unlike another,
Apart,
Now in the moment,
Its worth made,
Looking back on another.

Sit here thinking,
At peace within the mind,
A turbulent storm,
Calmed.
At peace,
Contemplating meaning,
Contemplating worth.
A question of life,
The question.

To find worth,
Make worth,
Make meaning.

All a game,
Random,
Built and shaped.

The infrequent reminder,
A demonstration,
A finding.

Of worth within the noise.
Time within the chaos.
Meaning in the abstract.
Motivation in the emptiness.

All in effort,
To try,
To make its worth.


Writing this, today’s been a good day, not an amazing one like last couple, but good, good because of them, everything going okay, fitting together and being finally good.

Feeling a little happy-sad, happy because today’s been good, sad because the last couple of days were amazing, but happy because those amazing days, make the others all worth it.

“It’s alright”. But it’s not.

It’s alright,
As I look away,
The tear in my eye,
Face turned away.
But it’s not.

I smile,
Knowing its a lie,
Seeing the path ahead,
Telling a white lie to a friend,
A smile, hug,
Kind act.

Tear in my eye.
Knowing.
“It’s alright”, but it’s not.

A needed lie,
To a kind soul.
Shutting the door,
Closing the blinds,
Leaving be.
A letter without a goodbye,
An ending abrupt.

I haven’t got the heart to tell ya,
Such a noble lie.
Kindness, help.

My sour reward to your kindness.
But you’ll never understand,
And this is exactly why.

Why this lie is made.

A smile with one face,
As the other cries.

But you.
It’s alright.
It really is.
Even if it isn’t.
It really is.


Been thinking a lot. My current physical situation, the future, plans, practicalities I cannot see ending well, people who care too much, lies I have to tell. Wrote a lot on my Moodtrack. My body is dying, the mind kept alive at this cost. Either way, loss of one or the other.

Writing this, thinking of the physical struggles I’m going through after an amazing night it with friends. But still these exist. No one ever sees me, the truth, because I always hide. A lie of myself, easy to tell if I believe it in the moment. No one needs to hear my struggles, pain, hurting.

One thing I feel sad about. My best friend. I always try never to lie to. But this cannot last. I’m walking down a path, they wouldn’t let me without help. But I can’t burden them.

A path I foresee an end, but would never burden them with it. My end.

This path, two roads, one the death of the body, the other the death of the mind. Either path, the only paths the same end.

What I do. What I try. My best. My all. Never can do anything to solve this.

One thing I plan to do, after my degree, is to write a story or poetry series or blog about it. If I make it that far. A story I have wanted to write for a while, but will put it off until it’s a story behind me.

One of the body dying, the mind dying but still dragging the former along. Like a dying horse pulling along a dead elephant.

All the practicalities feeling so bleak. I can only pretend for so long that everything is okay. Feel bad for the lies.

I feel bad for the lies, I have to tell to my best friend. They’re the best person I know, the person I care about most. Would do anything for. It is for this reason, I’m okay with lying to them in this case. For them as they’d never accept it, they’re too kind, too nice.

Was going to talk more about the problems I’m facing, but can’t. Maybe they’ll be left for another day. Or that retrospective post.

The One Who Chooses

The one who chooses,
One body,
Two choices.

A dichotomy of method.
Many considerations.
I stand here at the crossroads.
Thinking,
Asking,
Pondering.

The one who chooses.
People.
We.
Connected, united yet also divided.

We stand here,
Holding,
Thinking,
The choice.

The one who chooses.

Where we are in place.

We. Are the one who choose.


A bit unusual, the inspiration for this poem is a part of a reading, a quote from Wallace Stegner. The quote reminded me of choice and let me imagine, slightly reminded me of Prometheus the movie and the Panspermia theory, and thought about humans and their impact on the planet and how when people say humans are a terrible species. I would always disagree. It is an intelligent species. As with everything with intelligence, it is capable of the most good and terrible things. It is choice that distinguishes us.

“the special human mark, the special record of human passage, that distinguishes man from all other species. It is rare enough among men, impossible to any other form of life. It is simply the deliberate and chosen refusal to make any marks at all… We are the most dangerous species of life on the planet, and every other species, even the earth itself, has cause to fear our power to exterminate. But we are also the only species which, when it chooses to do so, will go to great effort to save what it might destroy.

From: Cronon, William. ‘The Trouble with Wilderness: Or, Getting Back to the Wrong Natue”. Environmental History, Vol.1, No.1, (Jan., 1996), pp.7-28

Across the Mirrored Image

Across the mirrored image,
The person,
An image,
Once was,
Now past.

Different.
Mirrored.
Me.

A different place,
Person,
Eventuality.

Across this mirror image.
A face,
Both foreign and the same.
Scarred, hurt, strong.
All at the same time.
Paths once tread.

Mistakes of the past.
Regrets,
Yet also none.
Mistakes,
Making the unique,
The strength and the resilience.

A shine,
A light,
To illuminate my darkness away.
Light my world up.
A difference,
Across this mirrored divide.


Been thinking right now, at night and can’t go to sleep, guess my mind’s wondering, thinking of the past, mistakes, learning from them and getting stronger.

How you can look in the mirror, of the ‘you’ of the past, one recognised but also not, a divide along a mirror of time.

This idea got me thinking.

A New Endeavour

A quick post, I’m starting another category for my blog, one that focusses on trying to find, potentially being suggested, and reviewing and reflecting on other people’s poetry.

For a while I have been wanting to look for poetry to read, but not like the First World War poets or others learnt in school, ones similar and different and also both at the same time, to mine, to gather inspiration, ideas thoughts and just to add to me.

I’m planning to ask my best friend, a literature buff to help me with this. By chance looking at lists recommending poetry I have found one that I will read some and post about.