A Sign, Unexpected

A sign unexpected,
Beyond any expectation,
Beyond any glimmer of comprehension.

A sign, showing me truth, showing me care,
Showing me confidence.
But also, showing me my scars,
My wounds, I had thought healed,
Opened and festering.
Without care I hoped to close,
To ignore.
That it had disappeared.
It hadn’t.
Just resided until again.

The pain still raw, still real.

It’s showed me.
The need to close,
To heal,
To end the chapter.
To cease its pain.
So a scar left will just be that.
A sign, a reminder, of the past.

It’s showed me.

It’s truly showed me.

From this sign, unexpected.
From a place unknown.

A message never expected.

A truth to be known.
A truth I didn’t see.
But now see clear.

I still, with this sign,
Know what to do,
But not the way.

I can only guess,
And truth my heart and mind.
To let go of the pain,
To let go of fear,
To see and to trust.
To rebuild,
To remedy.
To be kinder to myself,
For I’m here trying after all my struggles. After all the pain and scarring.

To find and cope.
To make whole again how I had been shattered, so long ago.
Yet the cracks remain fractured wide.

I will try.
I will try.

The first step was sight,
To see the pain still beneath,
The scars still left open.

Hopefully I can get peace,
After those scars are closed.
Hopefully I can find,
Be ready to find what was lost,
When I do this.


A happier poem has been long overdue, this is happy-sad, writing this way too late before work tomorrow but I have to for me and my mental health.

It’s happy and sad, happy for finding, happy for being and seeing, sad for losing, but happy for the hope of it getting better and maybe getting back what I regret to have lost. But needed to for getting back on track and a new perspective.

I aim to write a blogpost on another blog I have about hardship and how it should be embraced and learnt from for its forging elements. But will do that another time, hopefully tomorrow unlike I planned to today.

I haven’t added an image to a post in a long time. But this one deserves one. I was going to look at the site I usually went to. But was looking for a meaningful one. But. It hit me. There was only one image. The image that changed me, the time that changed me, the sunset I can never and would never want to forget. The one that started this life- and mind-changing journey. Started the confidence, the care, the pain, hardship and growth. It started it all.

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Broken Lies

Broken lies,

Exhaustion great,

How I try to escape,
To break from my body and be free.

From a life of pain, emptiness and broken lies.

How it breaks you,.
Or leaves you to break yourself.

How it tortures you,
Or leaves you to watch yourself crack.

Back to childhod,
Praying everynight for death to find me, Biting my skin till drawing blood.
Wishing for an end.

From then?
I have lost the reason,
The outcome basically the same.

Broken lies we tell ourselves,
Life only through belief in them.
Seeing causes the break, the rupture.

Lost like before, but with no reason to try.
Again as before,
Just waiting, waiting without end in sight.
Such a poor sight,
Like watching a puppy drown,
A child hit by a car. But at least the end is in sight.

But they may not see it, may nit have lost this lie, and thus they hold back from it.

While torture opens eyes.

Body tired, stomach hungry, but the mind has no motivation to move,
Just thinking “I want”, and countering “but why”.
And left in limbo it stays,

No energy to do, to think, to live.
Like many years ago, I remember clear,
Life consisting of a routine, school then sleep, then dinner alone and then sleep. Repeating on and on.

Today been the same, without school and a purpose and without eating with no motivation.

Sleep kills my consciousness,
It breaks me briefly free,
From life and living,
Temporarily.

I have tired,
Being broken again and again,
So tired of all the broken lies,
That have struck me and struck me and struck.
I am tired of all this being.
Sick, of living a life of broken lies.


Slept all day today, work was exhausting, as soon as I got home at 4 I slept and pretty much slept through until 4am minus the time to write this. Haven’t even eaten. So exhausted.

Wanted to do photography, been wanting to for a week, but have been so exhausted and lacking motivation or ideas.

I have lost. Feel broken. Lost motivation and reason. I can’t find a reason for anything. I really can’t. Depression hasdby been this bad since secondary school where I slept all day everyday apart from school. I worked hard. And I slept totally. Now it’s the same but work instead of school. So tired I’d rather not. So tired.

Not really seen sunlight all day, been asleep.

At least asleep my mind doesn’t think, I’m at peace, numb and oblivious to the world. The closest I can unfortunately get to not being of the world.

Life is pain. When there is nothing left, for anything.

I was happy when I thought I had come across something that seemed for a long while to cure my Autism, did so for like 35 hours. But was too good to be true, should’ve guessed.

Year of Direction

Invigorated,
From nothing, I have found.
Once lost,
Looking on without a hope.

Knowing on from my past,
A path always lead,
Always known,
But I had lost.
Lots held, just gone.

But sitting, thinking, knowing.
From all it came,
From all made,
With what I known,
With what I held,
Without even knowing.
I have seen.

Now I find from what I hadn’t needed.
Found where to find from lost,
From when I had not lost.

Feeling hopeful,
Found,
Finding from what I always did.
A time when I had lost,
But not realised, what it was I had.

The times, processes.
The world and how it worked.

My mind may be torture,
But it is mine,
It has its benefits,
Ever-pain, but endless drive.
Hurtful pain,
It can be kept.
Left to unfeeling,
Driven past.

To find, to do, to try.
Crossing the fog,
To clear a path.
To make a light.


Been relaxing after a late shift, working, doing some app searching, listening to my podcast of productivity and thinking. Lots of pondering, thinking then pessimistically, then thinking of how far I’ve come. Thinking of the reason for this, my own effort, unrelenting and phenomenal, still with improvement to not obsess over a single task but to follow a couple for different things. Looking at productivity apps, reinvigorated.

For a little while, after Uni, and my goal for research seeming so impossible and far off. Have been just floating, trying to escape, rest, and feeling sad as I kinda gave up on all I had wanted in all but what I merely said to others.

This producivity podcast has given me hope, thoughts, something I never thought I would get into. Making a “yearly theme”. I am thinking, bursting with ideas, plans, even now I should be going to bed but didn’t think I knew the theme, I have thought and also finalised the theme I need.

The podcast is Cortex. Amazing and one of two I compulsively listen to as soon as an episode is released.

It’s my Year of Direction.
– To get productivity apps (of which I already have many)
– To solidify a workflow
– To practice and learn some Spanish each day
– To time track
– To do some photography each day
– To do some academic research each day
– To do some non-research reading each day, non-fiction learning but not research in my own specified areas.

Capture

Capture,
Moment pristine,
Clarity present.

Beauty in normalcy,
Beauty present,
In being,
Beauty in all,
Unexpected,
Chasing darkness away.

At peace getting away,
Somewhat… losing yourself.
Just the moment,
What it brings,
What you find.

Branching paths,
Reality’s duality,
Event, non-event,
Choose or not,
Present or absent.

Moments, paths, places, times,
Fill my mind,
Existence,
Place by place, in time.

How the willow tree,
Admist the fog shines out,
Atop the hill,
Hills across the lifescape behind,
Shining, at peace, calm.
In existence, time.

Capture in mind,
soul, image.

So many chances taken,
Chances missed,
Chances taken while others missed.
Bringing me here,
This place, right now.
This time, and not another.

Capture,
In the mind,
In being.

Capture.
Encapsulated in place.
Captured beauty.


Wasn’t going to write poetry tonight, had no thoughts to write, was lying awake, reflecting. Been doing photography about every day for over a week, being more at peace with scenes I find myself, finding scenes where usually people see nothing, even I expect to find nothing but hope to find something in that and usually do, but never cease to be surprised by this.

Getting so much into photography and wanting to save up for a DSLR, I do love this. Reflecting and getting better through photography.

War Of Mind

War of mind,
The dark sky above,
The turbulent waters,
The ocean once blue, now a bottomless black.

The mind at war,
A past, the warzone,
The continued battlefield,
Pain and suffering,
The norm.

How broken is the silence,
How destroyed is the dying light.
A meagre ray,
Dying in its existence,
Pained from its being.

The blackened velvet darkness,
A cold embrace,
Darkness realised.

When shown,
Truth,
Always a killer.
Destroying one from the inside.

Breaking apart.
Ripping into.

Waiting for it to end.
The darkness, consuming,
But always an arm’s length away.

Darkness is calm,
Not what others think.
It’s calm,
It’s quiet,
It’s resolved,
Accepting of being, of pain.

Darkness goes on,
Light drowned out.

Sickness is life,
Death is escape.
A broken world only seen.
The world gone to black,
But not enough,
Not fading from existence.

Broken,
Not feeling, feeling.
An empty calm void,
Holding what rage I have.
To a calm close,
Acceptance.


Been meaning to write a poem like this for a few days. Ups and downs occurring but at least days ending well and hence I haven’t. But tonight it’s ending a bit shit. Fomo, being alone and all ‘friends’ being fake at best or worse. Don’t know, I convince myself otherwise but the signs, proof has been there since primary school and unchanging.

Ending the day a bit shit I guess.

Help From the Fade

Help from the fade,
Contemplative in the moment,
From the moment,
Many moments past.

Mistakes made,
Choices,faults and errors.
From a broken mind.
Once broken, now ready to be free.
Helped in the being,
For the,
With the,
Being.

The past,
A completed chapter, never “over” but passed.
Relegated and confined,
Remembered and forgotten.
With all the thinking.

Ready to forge on.
To rise as it all falls.
The shadows fall around,
I won’t kneel.
Standing tall.

Never to stop,
Caring for those of good.
Forgetting, the demons of the past,
Forgetting? No.
Outliving.

Making,
Demons fail, sink back into their shadows,
To hold their regrets.
I shan’t care,
Not for all the pain.

Closure, help to forget.
To erase the mind from the faults of all my past.
Only to learn.
Greater things will come,
A world,
Kind, good and nice,
With my own making,
The people I find,
And the kind, the only ones to keep.

Sadness grips with the memories of the past,
But also not.
A past, with its feelings.
Not worth feeling, remembering.

The lesson, all tried to teach me.
Hold dear, those who care,
Offering kindness unto the world.
The rest, time will forget.
All will forget,
Without regret.

Time moves on,
Kindness and care, the only worth to be found.
To be found,
In unexpecting places.
Better ones.

The only ones of worth.

But that’s it,
The help from the fade.
A making,
Being,
Within the flames of living.
Being.

Climbing high,
As it all recedes below.
Without a care,
Without the sun-shine.

Help,
This is the help,
Help from the fade.


Writing this, my American friend, asked, cares and asked how I’ve been, writing a long answer, for me thinking of the past, present and future. Giving me hope and happiness, reminded of the dark, the demons passed. Gives me hope.

Getting into a lot of photography, daily, and here is one I had taken.

Dark Fades Into Me.

As the dark fades,
through, into me.
In the dark night.
It claims.

Let it claim me.
And I’ll rage into this dark night.
Rage till it all falls apart.
To try, to claim. To be.

A dark night. To be.

Just fucking claim,
You’ve always tried so hard to do so.
Just let it all fade.

Let it all go.

Darkness all feeling.
Sick to the stomach.
Wretching all of this living.

Mood fluctuating.
Breathing hard.
The night terrors always there.

Just let it all.
Go and leave.

Fade.

As the darkness,
Poisons my veins,
I am used to this feeling.
Of the numbing fade.

Everything.

Used to the feeling, which makes me smile.
A dark smile of pain.
My own,
Self inflicted, within the mind.

All torn apart.
As I must.

I know I must.
Rip it all out.
Let the dark consume.
And rage out.

Unable to think.
Unable.
Trying in vain.

Fuck it all.
Fuck it all to hell.
I’ll walk straight through those flames. A warm embrace I already know.

All done and empty.
Let the rage out.
Let the sky rage bright,
Let it all go.

Not even knowing where I am.
Raging as this life breaks me,
Again and again.

Always breaking.
Just let it rage.
My mind a breaking wreckage,
Of flames and destruction,
Calming in some way.

But that’s it. Fading into darkness, it fading into me. With a smile of pain-totality.


Lots of things. Lots. Always lots. In pain already and a night out I was looking forward to. Got ditched. A message left unanswered. Used to this. Some close friends. But yeah. Always forgotten. All getting too much.

Sitting on a bench drinking, smoking, with nothing left. Everything gone.

I don’t even really care. Just unfeeling. Sad but also just so numb. Don’t even feel drunk. Just done and empty. But yeah.

Given the Feeling

Given the feeling,
Given to see,
See and I feel, In this place.
A feeling thus so,
It hurts.

But it must, for the feeling,
Intense,
Like a piercing flame.

Sadness and kindness intertwined,
Trying to find, help, fight and feel.
Going on directionless,
But knowing one mere path,
To help and try,
To smile and go on.

Empathy,
A path to pain.
Yet also to completeness,

The world found,
But also lost.

A pain from living, feeling.
Silent, beckoning of night.

The peace,
With calm turmoil in mind.

So much always flowing in mind.

A world seen.
With it all laid out.
Staring into the night sky,
In contemplation,
Staring at it all,
Lighting up the sky above,
Always so much,
Thinking as the world spins.

Silent in its mystery.
Contemplating its being.


Writing this, emotional, thinking, about lots of things. Being a hyperempath, or I guess so, I’ve known, since my childhood, I get very emotional over what others feel, what they tell me, even caused initial rifts with my family for such. Rifts that made me close off emotionally from them, and still to this day, has its mark. I have total gratitude, but feeling it for family is difficult because of stuff earlier in my childhood.

The reason for this thinking, many YouTubers I watch have gone through recent tragedies, one has had a friend who helped to make videos and they committed suicide, a video that hit me really hard and personally; a video that never fails to bring me to tears, more so because of the memories, the community, the place to feel okay when I never did.

The second, a video from another YouTuber who’s friend helped to make videos, their mother has cancer and, these emotional vlogs, the community felt, shared.

This embodies me, YouTube and the channels I follow, many feel like a family. Have helped me through some really tough times. Where I could get the odd laugh for maybe a minute to break up a day of depression.

It hurts, feeling, empathising. I empathise ‘too much’ some have told me, ‘too kind’ others have said. I know. But I wouldn’t change that, even if many times I wished I could. For those who I care about, those who are good, I shall always be there.

Many people do and don’t know. Often the people who are kindest, happiest or laughing or always helping are the saddest. Because it is a distraction, it helps to know you’ve helped even just a little. The smiles, can be a way to convince yourself you are smiling, even to the point you never know if you truly are or not.

Many things I have thought about even recently, I try not to show it. I think about it long after, contemplate and feel such emotions that it truly hurts. It truly hurts to see another hurt, to feel. And I feel such intense feelings, even if it another person away. But this is something I wouldn’t change, I wouldn’t want a friend to hide pain from me because it pains me. Something I have often pondered. Because despite the pain, all is better knowing I tried to help, I listened and I was there if needed.

I have 3 emotional videos from the YouTubers I’ve mentioned. I can even remember particular episodes, particular monologues, I shall see if I can find an episode from a Youtuber, a video that I watched for laughs at a rough period, ended with a message for a dark topic and shone a light. Will try to find and attach below.



Started writing this, two days ago, so much got me thinking.
Alright days, but thinking and pondering.

Watching It Pass

Watching it pass,
Moments, times,
Of it all,
Receding into the past,
Into what was known,
Gone into the times past.

A broken feeling in my gut,
Piercing like a knife,
But, happy as I go on,
Trying, trying,
The smile put forward,
Hiding the tears behind the face.

How it passes, life,
Of it all, risks, friendships, care.
All,
Walking to their grave,
All along a single path,
A single path tread.

To stare down the edge,
To the dark below,
Only to look, cry,
And fall.


Just thinking of lots, choices, friends, people, life.

Of The Night

Of the night,
In the dark of the night.
All I am,
Left, off in this night.

As the night sings.
The time,
All of those times.
Trying, being, in the time.

Off throughout,
In that night.

Trying to be,
In that.
Of the night.

Beauty lights shine,
And of it all,
Left thinking,
In all those times,
As they flow past.

Alone in the dark,
Off in this time,
The dark,
Yet light of the times.m

A torrent of thoughts,
Being in the time,
Left with all those times,
The remnants of the many thoughts,
Echoes of time.

Embracing this night.
All the writing of time,
Flowing past.

Happiness, sadness, all of those feelings,
Within the thoughts, the mind.

As I try,
To walk into the sun.


Writing this after a night out, waiting for the bus home. Listening to lots of songs helping to inspire this poem. With many thoughts, feelings also inspiring it.