Sad Thoughts

Sadness grips me,
And here I am thinking,
Just thinking,
Wondering.

I place my mind.
It exists in time.
Just being.
So tired, so tired.

Losig hold,
So cold.
Empty, thinking.

End it.
I’m tired.
Always.


Today a hectic shift much like yesterday. Thinking, about thinking, I know how my mind works, it follows a simple set of consistent rules. So I can predict responses based on different occurrences. When seeing a counsellor it isn’t help understanding I need. It’s a way to fix my mental health.

I remember exactly the memory leading me to hate my brother for many years from primary school until university. I can remember many flash points of tension and hate anger in my life.

While at work I remembered something from my childhood that I never thought was out of the ordinary but now I think it, it is. When I used to be religious, I prayed to God everyday wanting to die at like age 7, I remember it crystal clear. What a sad existence, and that was before I even really knew it.

Funny how these memories come to the fore again. And my tendency to see these things as normal and now looking back on them they’re, I guess, far from such.

Today I’ve felt angry when not asleep. Maybe pushing myself too hard, so tired. Just so tired.

Advertisements

Pain that Never Rests

In the pain that never rests,
Pain in the world.
Never resting for the mind,
All the darkness.

I can’t see.
Full of gratitude,
But.
The pain exists,
Moves and fills me with emptiness unexplained.
Hurt,
In a world I am so alien.

Pained and tired,
Waiting, hoping.
Feeling broken without a reason why.

Of all I’ve gone through,
Waiting and hoping.
Hoping.

A world slashing at my sides,
Broken,
As I walk this path. Having lost. Lost all I knew,
Every path thrown into disarray.
All those hopes I have lost.
All I have, lost.

Gratitude for all that has come,
Has been given me,
Has been earned through trying.
But I have lost.

Stuck in a well,
Without sight,
Without a way out.
Dying within the depths of my mind,
Numbing without direction.
As I stand here lost,
Only to collapse.

Without direction.
The mind it hurts,
Passions fought for, fighting for,
But they die inside.
I have lost.
Lost all I held.
Lost and cannot find.

Without rest my mind,
It cannot find.
Hope to be.


Just got back after a photography trip, a short one considering it was 3am. Feeling a little calmer, better, but still a bit sad, without knowing a reason why.

Thinking, of the many hopes I had during Uni, all torn apart gradually, even in the pain, I had hope, even in vain. But now. It’s all gone. My hopes, there but lost, without any hope. I try, try and try. Watching before me. Having lost.

Thinking, my hopes, maybe its Aspergers, but I had hopes, direction. After Uni, I have gotten into photography, but don’t go as much as I want, maybe just so distracted, hopes to study, to do a PhD, to become a lecturer. So glad with my opportunities, that have allowed me to move away from home, something I never thought I would be able to do this early, my generation in my family I have been the first to move away from family. But still find myself lost, without direction. I haven’t kept up studying, research, reading, something I feared. Because of photography, sadness and seeming so far away from any of my hopes and wants. Even the most basic, I have lost. Even my closest friends I rarely see. So good the small occasions I get to see friends. But still. All seems lost and I do not know what to do, to try, to hope. Only left, to die inside the mind.

Hurting

Torture in, with,
The thoughts festering,
Rotting against my mind as it tried.
Worried.

Surrounded by people yet always feeling alone.
A dying soul,
Trying in a world I cannot.

My mind,
On fire with worry.
Paralyzed as I look on,
Fearful,
Into the abyss.

Tiring,
A constant worry, threat, pain.

I fall asleep while writing,
Drifting as the mind offers no solace.

I am scared, paralyzed, horriffied


Thinking, first bad day thinking in a while. Having an amazing time at home, and it’s good that I have largely been to busy to think, until today. Helping a friend out, leads me to thinking, trying, chats with family and friends. Has me confused, worried, out of my depths. About my mind, when my contract runs out, decisions, paths, all I’m paralyzed by, having to force myself but only to get paralyzed, worried, anxiety-ridding and alone in this. Things that have been worrying me for a while but I have endeavoured to try and ignore, try and calm.

Mental health journey.

Just a post, been listening to a YouTuber over the last couple of days I like and relate to, they had a video about their eating disorder and made a song to cope with it. I’ve wanted to for a little while make photo compositions with a messages about mental health.

Listening to the YouTuber’s song over and over has given me a sudden realisation, financial struggles in my first year, actually brought about an eating disorder. I have never thought about it. I always thought about it only being about control but control of physical appearance, I’m a little self conscious, but gradually I’ve numbed my mind to this. But the lack of financial control, and my continued (although not starving now, but probably eating far less than I should, even today) ideas about financial stablility and anxieties can contribute to a similar feeling of a lack of control.

In first year it was terrible, I don’t even know how it started, I was really poor, transitioned for weeks and weeks without break eating only tinned food, then trying to cut costs changing to cheese, butter and pasta and then just to butter and pasta.

It’s hard to explain, thought processes that still occur in my head, ideas like in my first year where “oh, I am eating butter and pasta, do I need butter?”.

Then I started starving myself, started off to save money I barely had. I didn’t have. And what I did have was financial help from parents which I appreciated but felt a burden (despite knowing they’d rather I be okay but yeah, never will tell them).

I guess trying to take control of the situation, even thinking now, it sounds a nice idea, but yeah, not a good one. But then it morphed further into wanting more control, not only the financial but trying to push the number of “days without eating” greater and greater. Like the feeling with video games wanting to get a higher “score”. I wanted to push the limits of my body. To show my body that my mind has control. The YouTube video addresses this and finally it has hit me. Something I never thought.

Not going to lie, have had urges to try and go back. I lost 10kg when I went home for Christmas after a couple months of this at most, and my family were worried about my weight loss. Even to this day looking at the memories, I saw I lost weight which I liked. I was and am still glad. But I didn’t see myself looking as “thin” as my family said.

It got so bad once in first year, where I was getting up in a lecture after sitting, and I immediately sad down, feeling faint, dizzy and out of breath. I recognised then it wasn’t sustainable but didn’t have financial control and couldn’t.

Did I “get over this”? Truthfully, probably not. If circumstances with getting a job I would almost definitely have continued this. Even now my mind can put itself back, I can hear my mind saying “and if I did I would show my body how I could go further”.

Conflicting, how the mind can see something wrong but also see it as right and okay.

Reminds me of something I can’t explain.

Always kinda known I had Autism, but ignored and tried not to think of it between like 7 and 22 because it “wasn’t curable” (my mind at 7).

Anxiety, someone described behaviour I explained as anxiety and I had never thought of it as such. I always thought the feelings of it were (as described to me) as death, like a heart attack (not how I feel it). So I thought my thoughts were normal. Although thinking now, clearly they were not. Like a mind, brain, eyes, all running at 300 miles per hour, focussing on everything instantly all in a moment but not able to do anything as anything takes more time than the instant. My mind raging, thinking, swearing and hating. I probably should have seen this as not normal.

Eating disorder, I didn’t see it as normal, but something I had to do. Easier because of less parental presence when I moved to Uni. I never thought of it as a disorder, probably for the same reason, it is a disorder but a choice to regain control. To show my body my brain was in control. Even until now I have always thought of it as a choice, I even now find it hard to think of it as even potentially an eating disorder as it wasn’t really about my weight (even if weight loss, even as I see it now) was a bonus.

Even thinking, the financial stress was higher again (nowhere near as bad) in my 3rd year also stress with post-Uni life and decisions and workloads and my own unhealthy obsession with forcing myself to work harder and harder. All got me to try to starve myself again, luckily for me I never made it past 4 days consecutively a couple times over a month. It is not a nice feeling, the hunger, but it gets easier to ignore. But it is somewhat addictive the feeling of control. I finally understand things from a new light I have never seen them.

Just ruminating.

Just so tired

Just so tired,
Of the emotions,
A rollercoaster that throws me off balance,

Even when good, emotions kill me.
And when not, darkness consumes.

Just so tired of feeling,
Emotions,
Exhaustion with thinking.
Leaving me collapse,
For the thinking,
Leaves me exhausted.

Wanting rest,
From something I can’t escape,
My mind, the overthinking, people.
All contributing,
Not that I know how.
Left with an uncertainty of feeling, of being.

Never knowing what is true.
Living day by day,
Ignoring what can’t be ignored.
Trying when failing.
As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts,
And here I find myself again.

Just thinking,
Questioning,
Myself more than anything.
And in pain, with every moment thinking.

As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts.


Had been good the last few days, this morning was a bit mixed, thinking, overthinking and being sick of being. But feeling okay, immersing myself in photography even if not doing any today as I was too tired.

Just mixed. With these problems seems the only answer is to not think of them, as Rick from my favourite tv show says. Unfortunately not sure if I’ll be allowed.

To Try and Show

To try,
To show,
Fighting a world, that’s fighting me.
Fightin to try,
Fighting to help,
To try and show,
Exhausting, with everything,
And having to take this burden,
To just plod through the fields,
To help,
To try and help,
As I see,
Such pain others hide.
Breaks me inside.
Always has broken me.

So I try,
Try to see,
Try to feel,
Try to show,
And it breaks me.

But I try.
Try to help,
To show kindness, care.

All the pains,
As the sight in a daily grind,
A glimpse I see,
One I ponder daily,
Just to see,
And I wonder.
Sad at not being able,
Able to help,
But wanting to try,
But knowing how,
Or if.

And so.
I see and on it goes.

All and all,
Collapsing around me,
And I just watch,
Trying,
But only left watching,
As it all comes to nought,
As I try.

Trying to help yourself,
Can bring the darkness.

And I try.
Try to show,
And fought every step of the way.

Left with nothing else to try,
To rip apart my mind,
To try and show,
Try and care,
To help.

Just.
Just to try.

Cannibalising my mind, my life,
For another purpose,
To help.

But it rips me apart.
But I’m left with no choice,

To try, to show,
To fail, and try again.
I want to try,
But it’s getting harder and harder,
The uphill struggle.

Even now I don’t want to.
The feeling hurts,
I really don’t want to.

But if I have to.
If I have to. I will.
Just to try and help.

So I will.
I’ll try,
I’ll hurt.
And hurt again after.
All just to try, to show.


Writing this, had felt happy today, kinda still do, but feeling sad. Thinking. My dad’s in a rut, so is my mum. Both separated but in their ruts. I have my own stuff to deal with but I have to try and help. I help this person I barely know in America, been chatting for months I think by now? Trying to help, be kind, let them talk and confide in me. Just to try to help.

I know I don’t like talking about personal stuff to anyone but a couple of close friends. But I may have to force myself uncomfortably so to try, or at least just to try to help my dad. Maybe it will, maybe it wont, maybe it’ll only make things worse. I never have liked seeing people in pain, have been accustomed to, seem very sensitive to this overall from past memories of this and my diagnosis corroborates this.

Really hate the situation I’m gonna have to put myself in, but will do so and try to block it out of mind. Just so I can help, or try.

But really don’t know what more I can do.

Mum’s stubborn and I give help and advice and she ignores or just puts off any hope for improving things even as I try to make things into small steps to help someone to take. My dad, well, I just don’t know how to help and things just seem to be getting worse. Or maybe this is all just in my head, but I really do not know. But I’m pretty sure it isn’t.

Some friends have even said, try to help but then you have to stop to keep yourself going. That is something I’ve never been good at. Ever since I was a kid. I remember in school an uncomfortable thought from my psychology teacher who was a psychologist in a prison, he said, “there are just some people you just can’t help” and I wrestled with this idea for at least months continually after that. And still to this day apparently. I know the statement is logically true, I know my friend was right, that I can’t try to fix my parents’ problems to my own detriment or against my own life, but I don’t really see a choice. It’s the last card I have.

I don’t know, it’ll be rough. It’ll be rough on me, having to put myself into an uncomfortable place, worse that many others in the past. But I just guess I have to try, just to help. Oh well.

Year of Direction

Invigorated,
From nothing, I have found.
Once lost,
Looking on without a hope.

Knowing on from my past,
A path always lead,
Always known,
But I had lost.
Lots held, just gone.

But sitting, thinking, knowing.
From all it came,
From all made,
With what I known,
With what I held,
Without even knowing.
I have seen.

Now I find from what I hadn’t needed.
Found where to find from lost,
From when I had not lost.

Feeling hopeful,
Found,
Finding from what I always did.
A time when I had lost,
But not realised, what it was I had.

The times, processes.
The world and how it worked.

My mind may be torture,
But it is mine,
It has its benefits,
Ever-pain, but endless drive.
Hurtful pain,
It can be kept.
Left to unfeeling,
Driven past.

To find, to do, to try.
Crossing the fog,
To clear a path.
To make a light.


Been relaxing after a late shift, working, doing some app searching, listening to my podcast of productivity and thinking. Lots of pondering, thinking then pessimistically, then thinking of how far I’ve come. Thinking of the reason for this, my own effort, unrelenting and phenomenal, still with improvement to not obsess over a single task but to follow a couple for different things. Looking at productivity apps, reinvigorated.

For a little while, after Uni, and my goal for research seeming so impossible and far off. Have been just floating, trying to escape, rest, and feeling sad as I kinda gave up on all I had wanted in all but what I merely said to others.

This producivity podcast has given me hope, thoughts, something I never thought I would get into. Making a “yearly theme”. I am thinking, bursting with ideas, plans, even now I should be going to bed but didn’t think I knew the theme, I have thought and also finalised the theme I need.

The podcast is Cortex. Amazing and one of two I compulsively listen to as soon as an episode is released.

It’s my Year of Direction.
– To get productivity apps (of which I already have many)
– To solidify a workflow
– To practice and learn some Spanish each day
– To time track
– To do some photography each day
– To do some academic research each day
– To do some non-research reading each day, non-fiction learning but not research in my own specified areas.

Picking The Times

Picking the times,
Picking them out,
A wealth of feeling,
All the options open,
Without any choice,
Collections from the past times.
From it all now gone,
Now not.

Feeling to pain,
Good, bad and all in between.
Pain. Total, eternal.

Asking how,
Even the best feeling causes pain,
And off,
I am.
Thinking, feeling.

With the picking of the times.
A test,
Reliving,
Refeeling,
A moment playing over and over again.

So many,
All there,
A lifetime away,
But a second away within the mind.

In the mind,
Away from the eyes,

Oh how it goes,
A time,
Picking and choosing,
Picking of the times.


Today’s been good, thinking, felt sad and really happy at times, constantly switching. Imagine, picking an emotion, a feeling, like a book off the shelf, with a memory, a large collection you can pick anything, any feeling. But I say, you can pick, but without choice of what is chosen.

A memory for every feeling, every emotion. Been thinking on this for hours and hours now.

For many years, if not my whole life, always could have mood changes, from an extreme high to a extreme low, in the time it takes to have a single thought. A thought.

Alive

Alive,
Here in feeling,
In presence,
Moments conversation,
Here I stand.

In existence,
Feeling meaning,
Feeling alive,
Exhilerated, excited,
A warmth I have rarely felt.
A kindness, on my soul,
A sense of care, interest.
Makes me stretch out,
In feeling,
Feeling alive.

In all existence.
Being at peace,
A never-finished process,
But these moments,
Let them not stop,
Let me not stop feeling.
And even without, let me not forget.

To remember, to feel,
To be alive.


Amazing day, did nothing much, but chat to a friend who’s across the globe away and we were chatting for ages, reminded me, and has made today totally amazing!

Small Things

Small things,
Small things in the dark,
Happy, insignificant yet true.
Nice but unexpected.

Wondrous, funny and sweet.
A moment,
A time,
A small occasion.

About those small things,
Easily taken for granted,
Those small things,
That lighten a day.
Those small things,
Always remembered,
From, to on and on.

About those small things,
Those funny times,
Those nice things.

Those.
Really small things.