Renewal

Today. Has been rough. Tougher than I’ve been. On Sunday evening I even planned and tried to kill myself. Today also planned. Cut myself a lot over the last few days. Spent 30 hours over the weekend cutting. Today first thing as I got home as I took my shirt off I grabbed a knife.

Later on, I sent a message to a crush. Their reply was nice, really wanting to see me sometime soon, after we only met up on Friday. The simple message has made me feel somewhat alive again and wanting to be. I’ve thrown away all the pills I’ve had with me for over 5 years. Got my CBT appointment, and am ready to try again. When after losing my best friend I was more willing to give up totally than I ever have been. They were more to me than family.

It’s sad I’ve lost them. But I have gotta keep trying, even if my mind questions this. I want to. Want to give it a go.

My blogpost, talking about my life, has helped me, to write it all out and see. Got lots of kind messages from tonnes of people whose lives I’ve touched. Even today got a message from my brother talking about seeing his two kittens next I come visit. To think if I killed myself. Worst of all, the thing that stopped me, that’s stopped me for so very long, how it would hurt my best friend, the best person I know. I’m glad I didn’t. Even if we never talk. I will always completely care about them endlessly more than anyone else in a way.

Writing this all down, later than I want, but keeping this for some inspiration for a blogpost about change and stuff and renewal to write tomorrow after some photography.

Feel renewed after 4 days of cutting and trying to plan suicide. But feel finally ready to try and move past this.

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Having Killed All The Feeling.

Having killed all the feeling.
In losing the last thing I cared about,
It’s set me free.

Given me a rage at everything,
A calm, peaceful rage.
The intellect to see,
The rage to hate.
My body scarred and broken.

Broken glass, knives and burns.
Oh how I never knew,
How the pain tastes so sweet,
Blood dripping down my side,
A beauty in watching my life-blood fall and flow away.
In the pain, my wrath against my body and mind.
Determination to see pain consume me,
As it already has.

To rip and tear at my skin,
Now so resistant to the cuts.
A week of pain shall be my final remedy.


Had the toughest days of my life yesterday and the day before. Spent 28 hours of the two days cutting. Attempted suicide yesterday but unfortunately didn’t take more than a normal dose. Maybe another time. At least my note shows an apology from who I was, and not who I am now. That’s how I want people to remember me, the person they knew, not the person I have become, when I have killed all care and feeling and kindness in my body.

I lost my best friend, my family better than family all because of my own fault and me trying to get “better”. Now it’s clear. What I have to do. I can kill all remaining feelings, empathy will be the toughest as it had meant so much. But when I get there, there’ll be no stopping me being free.

I’m Done. What You’ve Done.

I’m done,

What you’ve fucking done.
The knife and how it cuts.

All I had, my family better than family.
Only to be lies.
As you hold the knife to my throat,
Show me it all were lies.

You just did it.
Taking away,
All I had, bit by bit.
Pretending in the long game.
The lies.
A whole day cutting.
Cutting into me,
What you did.

You’ve broken me.
You’ve put a full stop to the sentence.

How I’ve wanted to believe otherwise.

Disassociated. I feel.
By not feeling,
Alive, existence.
I don’t feel.
Or relate no more.

It’s all broken lile shattered glass.

Broken and wrecked.
Broken and death.
You, oh why do you do this.
Why do this to me?
Show me everything,
Only to end in all lies.
Broken and filled with hate for the world.
As I tried to see the goodness in the world.

The world only breaks,
If you’ve held only care.
It breaks you,
Tears your life apart.
Tears the whole world down.

Given Up On Anything Helping

I’ve given up on anything helping, each medication I’ve been put on works until something happens then the rest of it is made redundant.

I couldn’t care less, cutting is all that helps. That and Diazepam, I need it. I need what it brings me. An attitude of not caring about the world. Which allows me to live life for me. No one else. I need it and need to find a way to get it. It’s the only thing in life that’s worked, apart from happy times which are too few and far between, while these small dose pills are the only thing that works.

I’m sick and tired of everything. Just need those meds.

Looking Up Into The Sky, Seeing Your Eyes

As I look up into the night sky,
I just see your eyes,
As I stare, encapsulated.

Always remembering that first night,
How I wonder.
How things changed.
How times change.

And I am left staring alone into the night sky.
Only seeing you,
Your eyes,
Brighter than the Sun,
Kind, and bringing me to life.
I write, this, never wanting to move,
Wanting time to stop,
As I look up and see your eyes.

But times have changed.
I have to go.
To save myself,
From heartbreak that will never go away.
Always with care,
To always be there if you need.

But I must go.
To save you the pain,
Seeing me break.
Seeing my heart break everytime.
I wonder if you ever cared.
To see my heart break.
But I pause.
And remember.
Looking up and seeing your eyes shine.
Ever so bright,
As ever before.

Beauty without compare.
Beauty in eyes, and in your soul.

I always will save.
A special place,
For you in my heart.
Even as I say goodbye.

Reluctant, but I must.

Now as I try,
To tear myself away,
Difficult,
But remembering I’ll always care,
Fills me with hope.

Always wanting to see your smile.
But knowing I cannot.
It will hurt, but also give me life.

So I say goodbye,
With a heavy heart, and a heavier soul.
Knowing it’s goodbye.
In one way or other.

I can’t break myself anymore.

Though it’s never something you’ve done.

It’s my heart.
I care too much,
And I can’t,
It’s not fair on you,
Nor me.

So I try,
To shut off my mind,
Yet will always keep open my heart.

So I move on.
Knowing,
Nothing will replace,
But the memories stay,
The times remembered.

In every sunset,
I see your face,
Remember the times gone past.
Knowing hope,
From having met you,
For but the briefest time.

A time that cannot be replaced.
But I leave happy,
Having met,
You having touched my soul.
Like no other.

But that is fine,
It’s okay,
I’m happy,
To have met, to have seen your smile,
To have seen your face.

You’ve touched my soul,
More than you can ever know.

For even if you have no feelings for me,
I don’t care,
For I do and keep them.
But goodbye is how I go.

Always caring and hoping,
You get all the best,
For I care.
But only wishing I could share in your success.

But I say goodbye,
Caring from afar.

But I’ll never be far,
If you need to talk,
Will travel however far, to be with you so you’re not alone.
Will be there in the difficult times at your beckon,
Or there in spirit if you don’t.
To offer any comfort and support.
That my body and soul can provide.

For I care,
And always will.
For you hold, this special place in my heart, and that will not change.

So alone. Want to die.

Randomly my mum messaged, she’s been depressed a long time, probably like my dad. They don’t know, family doesn’t know. She messaged and I’m giving her life advice while looking up suicide photography for inspiration. Ironic. Helping her. They don’t know. They don’t know and never will. Not until I’m free.

Funny, giving her advice to get out of depression when I’ve sunk too deep.

The Panic Sets In

The panic sets in,
Heart beating hard, out my chest.
Anxiety at every movememt,
Vision blurred, axiety in the world,
Everyone looking,
Staring.
I am in PAIN.
Breaking down.
The world rough.
Everything dying.
Every cell wanting to die.
All. As the panic sets in.

It sets in.
Breaks me down.
Crushes my soul.

I thought I was getting better.
Thought I progressed.
Not tired,
But exhausted.
Nothing there.
Only dying.
As my breaths,
They race ahead,
Without me.
Without even a cause.
Vision blurred.
The panic it kills.
It breaks and festers.
It all breaks.
It all is pain.
Begging for an escape.
Any way.

Want to run from the world.
Hide at home.
Break me apart.
My mind is not even there writing this,
My body writes while my mind is stuck.
Within a loop of thinking.
Panicking.
Daily life kills,
It breaks,
It ruptures.
It all gives me pain.

Broken Each and Every Time

Broken,
A world filled with pain,
The scars ache,
The blood draws.

And I stand,
Tired,
But not to sleep.
I find myself lost.
Broken,
Each and every time.
Lost and dying.
Loving and hating.
Always losing.
Always breaking.
Hating.
Hating it all.
Why the word breaks me over and over again.
Wanting to go,
To leave.
To leave behind a world I want no part of.
All I want.

But no.
I can’t.
And this I hate most.

Keeping me imprisoned here.
Wanting to go.
Sadness consuming me.
Breaking me.

The constant pain breaks,
Hurts me,
Leaves me empty,
Trying to escape.

My heart breaks,
Everytime.
Breaking,


This week has been crazy, felt amazing like I haven’t in months, because of a situation change but last night and today I’ve been brought to lowest parts again. Again.

Heart aches

My heart aches,
A life lived.
Seeing it all, made worth,
But it also kills me inside.
Breaks me apart.
But it’s worth it.

How my mind reels, I’ve gotten better, stronger, numb,
But yes. I have lost.
Lost feeling.
But not one.
It’s worth it.

Though I feel it slipping,
I find myself holding on tighter,
A constant reminder,
Self-harm to the highest degree.
Scarring my mind, over and over,
But it is worth it.
For the feeling,
Living life,
I am better.
The scars do not hurt anymore,
I see them. Know them. Let them be my skin. My soul. My story.

They tell of me.
I am stronger.
My heart aches.
It will.
I will never forget,
Do not ever want to forget.

My heart aches,
Pain dulled.
Sadness pervasive, but now I control.
It’s there,
A reminder I keep.
Of a time before.
A time I was happy.

I do not know what to do.
But to be creative,
To show light and tell my story.
To create.

I am sad. But it doesn’t control me.
I am sad.
For the reminder.
It keeps me alive.
Keeps me fighting.
The scars keep me fighting.

I am sorry.
So very sorry for all that’s happened.
I cannot say,
Everything I wanted.
All I can say is,
I meant every word I said.
Always will.

My heart aches for I will forever care,
And this hurts,
But keeps me alive as well.
I changed everything in my lofe recently,
For I had reason.
The first reason I’ve wanted to live.
Rather than stuck in a prison of life.

This hurts me this feeling,
But it keeps me alive.
My soul bleeds as I cry out.
But it’s worth it.
To have met. Been changed.
I was shown,
What it was like to be alive.
For the first time.

And now it’s changed. I do not know what to say.
But it was worth it.
I would give anything,
To get back to that moment,
Change anything for it to return.

Time will tell,
I keep fighting,
Till I cannot anymore.

It has been the best of living,
The only time been living my whole life.


I’m okay, been a wild week. The antidepressants are working, not as much as I’d like, they’ve changed a lot. I’m still sad, empty, but not wrecked. Somewhat feeling numb to everything. But it’s okay.

I am sad. I cannot explain.

I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide,
What I feel.
Angry, sad or happy,
To feel such bliss and care.
To be opened up, when I had lost.
To open up.
My heart. Closed to the world.
Having given up.

And then,
Suddenly,
Opened up.
Shown light and care.
Given me my best moments in my life,
Making me comfortable in my own skin,
In my own life.

To be dashed and changed.
Where I do not know.
Do not know what happened.
A crazy time of changes.
A time that has, no matter what,
Changed my life.

The question I ask,
The thing I cannot decide.
Do I regret this?
Do I?

The life to be taken away, the sight of what is true,
When all is okay,
I even asked myself during that time.
Why is everything so good?
In every way,
Finally feeling alive.
Okay with me, myself and living in my skin.

But to be taken away.

I say I cannot decide,
Because I do not want to.

But I’ve always known,
Will always know.
I do not regret.

It’s given me everything.
I can drop dead happy.
Knowing I lived a happy life,
Even if it was only for one month.

Better to leave it alive and kind,
That tainted with hardship.
But too late for that now.
Too late.
Broken heart,
Broken life,
Broken dreams and crushed underfoot.

Now nothing’s left,
But a facade,
One I keep,
For me as much as for you.
For this I’m the most sorry of all,
For myself,
How this goes.