Let The Soul Adrift

Just to let.
The soul adrift.
Adrift in time,
In place and being.
Just to let it be.
Let it wallow in pain,
To break it down,
And out the rubbyle, build anew.

To break and feel every pain.
To let it feel,
To let it hurt.

To let it fester,
A reminder.
Of the pain.
From every scar.
Every time.
To let your soul suffer,
To let it die,
Over and over, before your very eyes.
To let it break and die.

To let it rage in its death throes.
Another death, another time.
To watch your soul die.
To watch it rage.
Ti watch it slip away.
Into a sea of nothingness.

It’s just another time.
Just another time to die.

Just another time.
Just another life thrown away,
Just as I was learning to live.

But just as with the others,
Just another, time to die.
Just another.

So used to the feeling,
A death worse than death.
Another time felt.
But am I used to it by now?

Another time.
Yet another time.
To feel gone through.

Path Once Tread

The path once tread,
A path forking before me,
Being pushed to decision,
A choice, mine, but also not.
Forced to take a path,
With pain either side.

The path,
Itself, shows me promise but pain on one,
Next to a barren path, of lifeless functionality.
Both paths, also behind me, chosen in a network behind me.

How I come to the forked road again,
Having already walked,
Known how both turn out,
Left with different ways,
Hurt, thinking,
But one gives me reason, but also pain.

But whichever path I’m on,
The other’s more appealing.
Despite rationalising each and how they go.

Know what’s good for me, also isn’t,
But is better than the other.

Still this question flows through my mind.
A time,
Waiting for the next time,
Only on this current path.

A single step shutting it all down,
A single step,
From the best and worst feelings, to the painless, but also all-lacking.

My choice?
My path,
A path once tread,
Still, stuck with a choice,
An impossible choice.

Choice, of a path once tread.


Thinking, very deep-in-thought. People often try to give me advice, but it always comes back a singular aspect, a lack of understanding. A piece of advice given, consistently, may work for others, but is one thing that always takes everything of meaning from me. Leaves me with nothing. A path once tread, more than once, I’ve walked many times.

The past times that I have followed, thinking it would help, always has left me empty, dead in mind but not in actuality. Only serves to remind me, how no one understands, can understand.

People see me as crazy, loony, often hurting myself. There is a difference, this is normal, but hurt can be coped with if being meaningful. The advice people give, often, takes one pain away, by taking away the meaning and making everything into a weird state of not caring about anything, being robotic and functioning alive as a human but not wanting to.

Leaves me to a choice I have taken, thought about many times. To take a path that may hurt, but gives me a reason to keep fighting, or to take a path without the pain of the aforementioned but only by taking everything of meaning.

A life of emptiness is never better than a life of pain, if the latter comes with meaning and a strive to better.

I’m writing this, knowing how the path has always turned out, but being somewhat compelled to take the path, to leave myself with emptiness. Emptiness of everything. Happenings of today.

I do not know. My tonight’s going to be filled with pondering.

I know the outcome, as always, but the choice has to be made, not making a choice is a choice.

Feeling a little better writing this, and writing tonnes on my MoodTrack. Better, but still lacking a solution, an answer. Just happier, thinking of my best friend, the best human I know. And something they said to me, have done quite a few times, explaining stuff, helping, but never solving, much like the path I’m on even wanting the empty one sometimes. She said ‘You just see things differently’.

Will still need a lot of time tonight to think, but yeah.

Again, Gotten So Far

Again,
Gotten so far,
Tried, through my trials.
Tried, yet ended up broken.
Again is time for another try,
But not now.
Not now.

Energy escapes me.
Trying to try, hurts me.
Laying down. Nothing.

The happy times,
Reminiscent memories of a past not so long ago,
Bring slight happiness,
Until the realisation hits,
A mistake,
And it all crumbles away.
To dust, before my eyes,
Within my mind.

Anything,
Becomes such a laborious task.
Thinking, of the time I had gotten so far.
A nice moment,
To relive within my mind.
As I render myself inert, unable to move.

Out of fear for my mistake made.
Movement brings me a reminder,
To the present.

Again, I had tried.
Again, I had gotten so far,
Found happiness in all things,
Those smallest, so perfect things.
Only to be broken,
By my own hand.

Thinking of those happy moments,
A small nice feeling arises,
Reminded it is one I do not deserve.
My mistake, nothing,
Nevertheless a stain on my mind.

Left thinking of nothing.
Existing within nothing,
The nothingness, yet also everything,
Of my mind.

After having gotten so far,
Again.

Yet another day will come,
In time.
Until then.
Again, I had gotten so far.


Thinking, of how I got so far. The good feelings that weren’t so long ago. Being able to will myself to move. Looking forward to something. Now just thinking, overthinking a mistake that to all others may be nothing, but to me, it isn’t.

Tried, this good patch of feeling up to now. Lots of things for self-betterment, all with a mistake has crumbled. Like building a ladder out of a pit. All crumbling to dust as I step on the first rung.

Don’t feel like working, which I enjoy or at least did, don’t feel like watching a tv series my friend got me into, and has brightened every day with a good end, don’t feel like any of this. Just unconsciousness of sleep.

Find Themselves Again

The chat, a kindness.
Helping, waiting, thinking, doubt.
Times of uncertainty, in all of our lives.
Friends by our side.

Strength gained from the fight,
The struggle to hone,
To strengthen,
To harden.
To break free.
Raging against that coldest darkest night.

Waiting to find themselves again.

Finding that darkest time too hard,
But battling a bit at a time.
Friends by the side,
Helping, thinking, supporting.

All the while,
A support,
Help,
To find themselves again.

This is the path,
Times lost,
Times found,
All the parts between,
The pain, joy, sorrow and regret.
All a trial,
A gust to blow away.

The response of rage,
Nothing to step in place,
Nothing in the way.
To stand up.
To stand against,
Until.
They’re found,
To find themselves again.


Inspired by something I wrote to a friend, inspired the title, and the poem came naturally, as all mine the meaning kinda changes as I’m writing it.

From one I written thinking about someone else to one again to do with me.

Mistaken Kindness

Mistaken kindness.
Both my own, and another’s.

A mistake,
One I should have seen,
Should have known.
The past revealed before me,
The mistake made once, twice and now again.

Placing trust in a snake.
A twisted thorn.
One seeking use and hurt,
Mistaking kindness for staking claim.

Mistaken kindness,
Placed in another.
My mistake.
Trusting those who cannot be.
When the past showed the deep chasms.
The war within my mind.
My kindness trying to shine,
My mind warning me away.
Friends questioning the path walked again.

There are some questions,
To be asked of some.
How do you sleep at night?
How do you ever be at peace?
Should you be?

Mistaken kindness,
For wicked intentions.
A false face,
Lies all abound.

A facade of trust when lies are all there is.
A facade of kindness, when usability is all there is.
An act if what there is, when the truth isn’t to be seen.

A mistaken kindness.
Shining on but one point.
A warning,
To place kindness,
Only when it is shown,
Only when deserved.

To avoid mistakes.
Aches, pains and scars.

From mistaken kindness.

Dragged Me Along

Dragged along,
I tried to resist.
Along to where it’d hurt.

Knewing I was better,
Knewing it all.
Waiting to bring my demons up to greet me.
Their talons around my neck.
Oh please,
Demon. Will you make it quick?

But knowing they wont.
It’ll pass.
Eventually.

Being dragged along,
Dragged down.

I complicit,
In my own destruction.

Knowingly dragging myself along.
Happy and complicit.
In what I knew I was doing.
All that it meant.

What was going to happen next.

Dragged me along,
My greatest weakness.
Doing it intentionally.

Nonetheless.
I was weak,
Too weak to resist.

To weak,
Seeing the pain ahead,
Knowing what would be.
I went along complicit anyway.

Went along.

Oh how I was dragged along.
Dragged along.
Chained by my emotions,
Chained by my care.

An anchor around my neck,
To darkest depths of the oceans below.

Dragging me along,
Down,
Darkness being all that awaits,
For now.

To be expected.

Poisoned heart,
Running through my veins,
An emptines,
A something,
A wretched thing.

To be expected,
I with the injection.
Knowingly partook.
Knowing it would claim me.

A mistake, once made, and made again.
A pain, once, and again.

To be expected.
This poisoned heart made weak.

To be wrenched out.
Left.
Forgotton.

Made anew,
In the fire of pain.
Made stronger,
To sus out the pain,
The wretched evil, that clasps at my heart.
To be expected.

Oh I remember the feeling,
Feeling it again,
A poisoned heart.
Running a cold-blue.

A final beat,
Before a cold frost.
A fiery pain.
To be expected.

To be expected.

How To Break From – Part 1: The Break

The break.
To turn the mind against itself,
To make constant pain for itself.
To break oneself again, and again.
Any feeling to be broken down and apart.

To story of breaking from.

To see them.
The mind fills with pain.
The hands shake uncontrollably,
With heart beating fast,
Almost bursting out your chest.
Having to turn away and run.
The mind plagued for a time after.
The memory,
You apply the pain to yourself.
Until it’s what you’re used to.

Living in pain.
Until it’s all you know.
A daily torment of the mind.
Eventually, it becomes you.
The ever-pain.
Going through life like a ghost.
Wanting to move on.

All the pain.
From your own hand,
Your own making.
To break from.
Allow a movement away.

Turning a good memory, toxic,
A kindness, harsh,
The fun, a form of torment.
An architect of my mind,
Turning it all against me.
Left alone, a demon in the dark.
Clawing out,
Clawing in.

Until the feeling stops.
Not only one,
All.

 


For my friend on Moodtrack. Who is looking for a way to get past, looking for a way to break from.

This is how I did.

It works, but it takes its toll.

It’s a method, I wouldn’t recommend to anyone, hence I haven’t mentioned it to you if you’re reading this.

Truthfully, it’s like death.
To escape death.
A death of the mind, but continuation of the body.
Feeling an empty vessel.
Devoid of all emotions.
Left a wasteland,
As I had torched my mind.
Of the memory,
Of it all.

It’s not all totally depressing. There’s a second part, first is the wrecking, tearing yourself apart from within the mind. Turning everything sour and dark. But after, in my experience, a rarity, but happens by chance. If you leave a path for someone else to walk. To take a peak, to reach in and, give you light. So you can climb out yourself.

Written 30/Oct/2017 1:30pm UTC – Unsure when I’ll publish this.