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Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

For You I Say

For you I say,

I care,
More than you can know.
So much that it hurts,
But it’s worth that.
Would do anything I can for you.

For you I say,
Your beauty, uncompared,
Kindness true,
Compassion you showed,
Trying, once before, to help me.

For you I say,
Know your worth.
Know yourself and prosper.

For you, I say,
I will never try to hurt you,
But what if I have to go?
To hurt you less.

For you I say,
You are not my day,
But you never fail to make it brighter.

For you I say,
When I hear that favourite song,
Only you I see.
Remembering the memories.

For you, I apologise.
That I cannot explain.
My thoughts and feelings.
I only feel them.
I cannot help them.

For you, I remember,
The first time we met,
And every time since.
No matter what’s happened,
There are no regrets.

I am flawed,
But I am me.
Trying to be ever-better.
Unapologetically. Me.

For you I say,
No matter how you compare yourself,
Unfavourably attractive than others,
I do not see.
All I think of is you.

For you I say,
You never have to be alone,
I’ll help with all I can.
Do all I can.
No matter how much it hurts.
Because I care.
For you I say I care.

For you I end,
Saying…
Maybe it’s the ramblings of a madman,
A lovestruck madman.
But this is me.
For you I say,
This is me.
All I can offer.

Gift Of Ordinary Bliss

Gift of an ordinary day,
Spent with those I care,
Casual mundane, yet oh so blissful.

Ordinary excitement.
Warm, kind and nice moment.
A little day of warmth,
Sitting, being,
Next to you.

That is it.
Nothing much.
Nice in the moment.

The feeling of being nice,
In this fleeting moment.
The bliss, joy,
The excitement and normalcy.

Something held, loved.
This feeling.

Such…
A perfect gift.
This little gift, of ordinary bliss.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Pain Of A Glance

Oh the glance that glance
The glance that crushes me.
The glance that gets me.
Everytime.

That glance.
Crushes and lifts me,
At every chance.

The pain of a glance.
A crushing blow.
The crushing time.

Sitting out in the cold.
Pondering my decisions.
My mistake.

That glance.
Can’t help it.
Captures me.

Despite all I try.
Must pull away.
Find my own way.

The pain,
Yet also delight.
Of a mere glance.

The noticing.
The pain in my heart.

Even as it hurts,
I go and on.
On and it paons me.

My Realisation

My realisation,
My awakening.
The knowing.

The pain and heartache,
The happiness and bliss.
The realisation.
My pain.
Also happy.
Confused realisation.

Sad acceptance.
Continued path.
Off and onwards I march forward.
Into the bright unknown I have built for me.

Sad existential angst.
The heartache,
Ever-present but controlled.
Controlled but felt.
Felt but buried.

How I reconcile,
The unknown next step I’ll handle.

Burying,
Both the most dear,
And the most hurtful.

A golden time.
Clinging onto the bright horizon.
Even faced with the dark storm.

My realisation.

Finding Me

Finding me,
The figure standing in the pass,
The dark path ahead to navigate.

The stormy seas within my mind,
Sadness drowned out by the walk.
My path, my aim.
My only way out.

Loss, a familiar friend.
Of everything.
Friends of a time.
People I have to let go.
Others I escape.

The passing,
Moving,
On.
Into the darkness.

Upset at the lonely path I walk.

But walking with an aim in mind.

Wishing for company,
But for now I walk.

The lonely figure in the midst of night,
The star-speckled night sky.

People massing,
Time flowing.
Thoughts remaining.

An linear oblivion.

An existential pathway.

Finding me on this path.
Alone, wanting company.

But for now I go on.
Finding me.

Final Goodbye

The memories,
The little moments,
Most casual chats,
All, being nice.
Those little things.

Never seeing how others see you.
I, always wanting to help.
But it kills me inside.

My biggest fear,
Realised, in seeing you again.
But totally worth it.
You are, believe it.
But I must stop.

You’ll never know,
Never see,
How much I want to hang out.
How this question within my mind,
Bringing dread and confusion.
Weighing on my mind constantly.

What I want most,
You to be happy, healthy and moving on to a bright future.
Wishing I could be there,
But knowing, I shouldn’t.
No matter how much I want.

Having to hate you,
To save me from feelings of care.
Ashamed and hurt by this end.
But no other path before me but relentless pain.

I’m sorry.
Like you will never understand.
To my core,
But given tough choices,
A step must be taken.

Having to tear apart the best parts,
Of us hanging out.
Finding the worst,
Holding them, as if they were the only.
Will be for the best.

Me to move past,
You to work on more important things.


Wrote a while ago and found the draft of this, I poem I like and also don’t. It’s complex. Not feeling too down right now, not as much as this shows, but… it’s meaningful and was hurtful when I wrote it. Not the same as it’s published date. Wasn’t sure about publishing it.

The Warm Glow

A warm glow beneath,
The love, the care,
Against the adversity,
The doubt.
I remain,
To bask in the warm glow,
In the face of the realisation,
The hallucination.

Basking in this warm glow,
My feelings underneath,
Warm and glowing as the embers drift off,
Drift away into the cold dark.

I still remain,
Sit here clinging onto the last remains of a fire fading into the dark.
Through realisation,
Through revelation,
Being left to oblivion.

I cling on to the last bits of this flame.
Gaining strength from the warmth,
Empowered by the light.
Trying to keep it lit.

The memory to keep it going.
The lie as a necessary key.
To myself,
To keep.
The fire burning.
To keep hold of the warm glow.

Hoping to reignite the flame🐇,
The bonfire to-be.
The future lit by the bright flame,
Enough to put the Sun to shame.

Until the light returns,
I keep,
I shelter it,
Keep hold of if.
To keep it lit.
To keep it from the cold dark.
To make it through.

To give it new light.

I am here,
Remaining,
In warmth,

Holding onto the flickering light.
Protecting her,
This flame.
Against the oncoming cold depths of darkness.
Holding her, away from the cold.

Until it passed,
She reignites,
The flame turns into a bonfire,
To light the darkness,
Turn the cold, hot.

Until this time,
I remain,
Sheltering this warm glow.
Protecting with all I have,
All I can.

Sheltering this warm glow.