Be There

To be there,
A simple reality,
Simple comfort.

My name,
Always a message away.
Always a call away.
Never far,
When you need me most.

Being there,
What I do,
What I try.
To show the light,
As I’ve been through my own dark.

One,
Always to try and help,
Not letting any friend,
Face the dark alone,
Always there,
How far you need.
I’ll.
Be there.
For you.

Celebrating your victories.
Urging you on, in your defeats, only temporary.

To be there.
Always being there.
A pledge for myself and to you.
To.
To be there.

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A Goodbye I Am Reluctant to Say

A goodbye I am reluctant to say.
A goodbye, I knew may come,
But never wanted to,
Always put off.

The pain of letting go,
Someone you care about,
Someone whose happiness makes you’re day all that better.

Someone to talk with,
Laugh with.
And smile with.

But what if it’s all based on a lie?
A lie I tell,
To put aside the pain,
For a time.

I never want to hurt you.
That’s the last thing I want.
Maybe I should have said goodbye sooner,
The goodbye I am reluctant to say.
To spare you pain.
Or maybe you will feel none,
I surely hope you don’t.
No matter what I end up feeling.

A care, once given,
Always present,
But only can be from afar.

I care, always do, no matter what I show,
But hating, is the best way to shield from the pain.
The pain of caring.

I feel clear,
Yet also conflicted,
Thinking back the night,
The times all these years,
Remembering all the smallest details,
Just thinking of you.

I must say goodbye,
One I am reluctant to say.
Have always been reluctant to say.
My feelings,
They hurt me so.
While you don’t feel the same.

I understand,
But please leave me to heal,
Let me leave.
Let me live.

This is heartbreaking to say,
And as I type, reluctant.
Thinking of the memories,
Staying,
But the feelings slowly erasing.
I only feel sad.
Sad for my loss.
Loss of a friend,
Loss of a person I care about.

But as you’ve said.
Sometimes you have to let go,
To collect,
To heal,
To move on and be better.

That is what I have to do.
I’ve known for a while.

I have been better than before,
But the feelings won’t fade,
While I’m still around you.
I’ve known that since the start.

You’ll never know how much I cared,
How much I care.
I cannot explain with language.

But no matter,
I must go.
A goodbye, I am ever-so reluctant to say.
That committing the words is difficult.

Never wanting this poem to end.
Never wanting this goodbye to be said.

But seeing no other option.
All my closest friends telling me to get out.
Caring as though they are,
They don’t understand.

The main reason,
For this goodbye I am reluctant to say.
For you to be better,
To be unburdened by pain,
Pain that will come,
Sooner or later.
From my caring heart,
Too big for a single person to hold, but I do.
Wanting you.

To have the best.
Be the best.
And I fear deeply, that this means goodbye.

The goodbye. I am most reluctant to say.


Writing, with thanks to a few close friends, helping me to see what I should have. Helping me out when I needed it.

I had an amazing night with rough parts, sorry to say goodbye. Sorry for that. I always give my best and forget to make myself okay, always putting another first. For if you care about someone, that’s what you do, for a time. But this is totally like that. It is good most of the times, amazing even, but others, it breaks me apart. Even if these feelings are almost all good, I’m sick of lies, sick of trying to convince myself of hope or a lie I do not truly believe but want to.

My favourite quote ever, made by myself, before, thinking of the same person, paraphrasing, it goes like “I would face my demons, just so I could help you face yours”. This holds true. This holds true. But I have come to realise, with this one-way feeling, that I cannot face my demons, without saying goodbye to you, but I’ll always be hoping you face yours and win. Hoping you succeed. Will always be a call away in your time of darkest need. As, I always care, I always will.

Thinking of the singing tonight, the small things you said, how you do not care like I do. That’s fine. But I must get out.
I have deleted the poems written tonight in pain,
Instead to write true from my heart and mind.

Only sad to see it end,
Sad to see it end on this note.
Only hoping for your best.

I can write for hours and not say what I truly feel, what I truly want to say.
But I try.

I have been better recently, so much so, even if my poetry tonight and recently do not show. But, this is why I know I do need to leave. Do need to say goodbye. To avoid a dark place. As I come to realise, you do not care about me like I do you. I don’t have any blame to give. But I need to, find space to live.

I have a christmas present I still want to give, a small something, not about me, or us, but you. Something I hope you’d let me. But I guess that’s to be seen, or not.

Wishing you, the very best, something I know you can and will succeed.
I’m only saddened by the times, to be lost, past and future.
Saddened that I cannot be there to witness, your success.

Even after publishing I do not know if I really want to say this.
But you deserve the truth.
I hope to ever bone not to cause you any pain.
I’d rather anything and everything else.

But in the end,
I guess this is what makes this,
A goodbye I am so reluctant to say.

Written. Night of the 7th December. Leaving to publish later. To see if I can carry on without the saddest goodbye. I do not want to say.

Published, night of the 10th December, a record of how I felt. With recent happenings, chats, amazing times making it all complicated. But also amazing.

Beauty In Your Own Way

Beauty in your own way,
Your own special way.
Unknowable by another.
A unique friendship,
Unique beauty,
Blissful, kind and caring.

Unique as your smile,
The kind words from your lips,
The gentle way you hold on.

The meaningful moments,
Pure bliss.

The unexpected moments,
Pure beauty found.

A moment easily lost.
A time easily missed.
Yet I found an unexpected beauty,
Like a pure unaltered sunrise,
The silent beauty of a sunset.
The colours of nature,
The gift of friends,
The laughter from those moments.

Beauty comes in all places,
If you know how to look,
If you be patient to see it,
If you’re careful to see,
At peace to know.

A beauty, in your own way.
Whether you see it or not.
It’s always there.
Waiting for you to just…
Open your eyes and see it.
In yourself.
In another- just don’t let it pass by unseen.
Before you lose it to time,
With a mere memory of what was there,
Finite. Missed.

Take a chance.
Take a look.
It’s there.

Don’t be the one to say, “I saw once”. “But let it slip”.
“I didn’t see… until it was gone.”

People miss what was before their eyes.
Don’t let this happen to you,
To anyone.

If they do not see,
They missed out.
You did not.

You saw the sunrise,
The stary night sky,
The universal bliss and wonder.
You see it once? You’ll see it again.
Because you chose to look.
Chose to see.

The beauty in your own way.

Wrote thinking about something a new friend on Moodtrack, Frilly_Moon and I chatted about.

Sorry for the late poem if you’re reading this, been busy and wanted a quiet moment to write this.

After writing this poem, I’d like to say thanks, for the message, the poem, quite therapeutic writing this, like most of my poems but different. Looking at the last. Finding rest, peace.

I’d like to say, in addition to yourself who inspired me to write this, I’d also like to dedicate this to a very recent friend, who showed me light, when, I gave up trying to see it. Even though, you’ll never see this.

Guardian

I’ll always be there,

Even if we stop talking,

Will always keep an eye out.

I’ll always catch you when you fall,

Pick you up when down,

Listen when you need to talk

Advise when you need another opinion.

 

No matter who you leave me for,

No matter how much you hurt me,

No matter how much you don’t care.

I will be there.

A guardian,

Always looking out for you,

My little Fox.

That Time

That time,

That time you called me,
I was busy, but made time.
Everyone else at the party, looking, wondering.
I made time,
You were alone,
You were stressed and hurting.
I made time, that time.

Many other times.

Now I am next to you and you leave me, ignore me.
Feel like an extra part.
I know I’ve been used. Know I’m the extra part.

But know that one time.
I felt something.
Maybe it was just me, and it wasn’t there.

You’ve left me.
When I was always there for you.

That other time,
You upset,
I on the phone,
Just walked home,
You called drunk,
Upset,
Alone.
Not wanting to drink alone.
I changed and walked back,
We laughed, we sang, we joked, and played around
I was there.
You weren’t.
Those messages, snapchats and statuses,
About me,
To make another jealous.

I pretended not to notice.
I pretended it was fine,
Still do
Not mentioned it.
Not to hurt you.
Not to be hurt by you.
I cared,
That other time.
You used me.

Bursting to tears now.
In public,
Next to you,
As you still continue to use me.
Still continue to have me as an extra part.

I cared.
I care.
I hurt.
That time.

Always Making Things Worse

Always making things worse,

Seems like the only thing I can do.

Nothing ever works.

All the pain I cause,

All the strife I orchestrate merely trying to feel better, to cope,

Even as I try not to cause harm.

I do so in the end anyway.

All done,

All hurting.

Just to make someone else feel good.

Who doesn’t care for me.

Who uses me.

I give up.

I cannot give any help.

Cannot do anything but give pain

All I do makes things worse.

Even when the opposite is my intention.

I’m here.

Always making things worse.

I Should Have Been Better

Poem written about a close friend, one who’s going through a rough time, and has been for a while. I have helped, and I have also hurt. I am sorry about that. If only you’d know.


All the times we’ve been though,
The hurt I’ve caused,
The pain I continued.
The help I gave,
The care I shared,
The helping hand that was always there.

I am sorry,
I should have been better,
Should have helped more,
Should have hurt less,

And now you’re walking into that darkness alone.
Remember, you’re not alone.
Though you’re afar,
Let us talk,
Let us chat,
Let us cry,

Let us show the care that should have been at the forefront.

Show the goodness that this world needs,
Your world needs,
My world needs,
The goodness we should have kept.

Now you’re gone,
Take care,
Keep well,
Make sure you’re happy.

I should have been better,
Should have hurt you less,
Should have helped more.
I will always be there.
Even from afar.

I should have been better.

Sorry for Being Me

A poem I wrote about being sorry, to people you hold dear. When everything you do is not enough.


 

Sorry for being me.
Sorry for the pain I caused,
Sorry I wasn’t the person I should have been, could have been, wanted to be.

Sorry for the good times and the bad, that makes letting go hard.

Sorry I caused pain, I caused head and heartache.

Sorry I tried,

Sorry I tried,

But I did try.

I am always there for you, even if you don’t want me to be, even if I don’t want me to be.

Sorry for who I am.

That is just who I am.

Unending Care

One of my most favourite poems I have ever written. About caring for those, without expecting anything. Unending care.


You don’t want to see me, you hate me,

I still have unending care, no matter what you do to me, what you say to me, the pain I feel when thinking of you and how you don’t care. How you hate me.

I still have unending care, a shoulder to cry on, a person to back you up. One to help you go on, do things you can’t do alone.

I’ll always be there, I’ll always have unending care.