Recurrent Nightmare

Nightmare,

Oh of the pain you plague and remind me.

Oh I claw away but you still drag me back there.

Never choosing,
What the mind had seen, or felt.
And what to think. To make the pain fade fast.

As I see,
The demons of the mind.
I try to stand.
As they take,
My every escape.
Beckoning me closer,
To the black flames.

Knowing the path I have to take,
In order to escape,
To forget through hate.

Being used.
The nightmare reminds me,
Of all those darkest moments,
Behind the facade.

But the mind, fighting,
Wanting to care,
To keep my soul,
Keep kindness within my heart.

Not to lose it all again,
Never again,
To be so close,
To losing my best friend,
Through my own pain,
Hurting them so.

But so I go on.
Caring on and on.
As I know I will go on to keep caring.
Always caring,
Through the nightmares that plague me,
The past that hurts me.

But here I go,
On to keep,
Myself,
Caring on and on.

The way I just am.
Caring for those good times.
To hide from view the pain and the warnings.
Just to keep on caring,
As I cannot help it.
So I will go on fully caring,
No matter the hurt that comes.


Just woke up from a nightmare of my pas. Ridicule, hurtful, fake. Crushing all I have. Everything in darkness totality. Writing this half asleep.

Yet the worst thing? Pain is something I can cope with. Used to it. Even nightmares.

What I can’t is care, always care that causes pain because of care, care borne from hurt and ridicule. Care just used to hurt.

Nightmares I’ve learned how to cease the episode. It’s more the panic that follows and the thoughts.

Even my mind in my nightmare, clear, but hurts and has left me really panicking even after a really good day.

The scars of the mind stay. The pain stays. The care stays. Shall I be continued by nightmares? Same kind of nightmare, same topic but different setting.

Had lots of these recently, causing panic and pain.


I wrote the above yesterday at 3am, as soon as I woke up after the nightmare, last night. I remember it. Of course I do.

Today’s been a good day, but the nightmare’s been there. Of ridicule, hurting and doing anything to rip me down no matter how I try to only go along. Had an awesome day, but this nightmare’s always been in the mind. Still is.

Knowing a lot is true and a lot I don’t want to believe is true. But oh well. The mind will go on caring even when submerged in pain. I’ve tried so hard for so long to kill the caring. Doing almost everything to purge care from my body and it’s never worked.

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Be There

To be there,
A simple reality,
Simple comfort.

My name,
Always a message away.
Always a call away.
Never far,
When you need me most.

Being there,
What I do,
What I try.
To show the light,
As I’ve been through my own dark.

One,
Always to try and help,
Not letting any friend,
Face the dark alone,
Always there,
How far you need.
I’ll.
Be there.
For you.

Celebrating your victories.
Urging you on, in your defeats, only temporary.

To be there.
Always being there.
A pledge for myself and to you.
To.
To be there.

A Goodbye I Am Reluctant to Say

A goodbye I am reluctant to say.
A goodbye, I knew may come,
But never wanted to,
Always put off.

The pain of letting go,
Someone you care about,
Someone whose happiness makes you’re day all that better.

Someone to talk with,
Laugh with.
And smile with.

But what if it’s all based on a lie?
A lie I tell,
To put aside the pain,
For a time.

I never want to hurt you.
That’s the last thing I want.
Maybe I should have said goodbye sooner,
The goodbye I am reluctant to say.
To spare you pain.
Or maybe you will feel none,
I surely hope you don’t.
No matter what I end up feeling.

A care, once given,
Always present,
But only can be from afar.

I care, always do, no matter what I show,
But hating, is the best way to shield from the pain.
The pain of caring.

I feel clear,
Yet also conflicted,
Thinking back the night,
The times all these years,
Remembering all the smallest details,
Just thinking of you.

I must say goodbye,
One I am reluctant to say.
Have always been reluctant to say.
My feelings,
They hurt me so.
While you don’t feel the same.

I understand,
But please leave me to heal,
Let me leave.
Let me live.

This is heartbreaking to say,
And as I type, reluctant.
Thinking of the memories,
Staying,
But the feelings slowly erasing.
I only feel sad.
Sad for my loss.
Loss of a friend,
Loss of a person I care about.

But as you’ve said.
Sometimes you have to let go,
To collect,
To heal,
To move on and be better.

That is what I have to do.
I’ve known for a while.

I have been better than before,
But the feelings won’t fade,
While I’m still around you.
I’ve known that since the start.

You’ll never know how much I cared,
How much I care.
I cannot explain with language.

But no matter,
I must go.
A goodbye, I am ever-so reluctant to say.
That committing the words is difficult.

Never wanting this poem to end.
Never wanting this goodbye to be said.

But seeing no other option.
All my closest friends telling me to get out.
Caring as though they are,
They don’t understand.

The main reason,
For this goodbye I am reluctant to say.
For you to be better,
To be unburdened by pain,
Pain that will come,
Sooner or later.
From my caring heart,
Too big for a single person to hold, but I do.
Wanting you.

To have the best.
Be the best.
And I fear deeply, that this means goodbye.

The goodbye. I am most reluctant to say.


Writing, with thanks to a few close friends, helping me to see what I should have. Helping me out when I needed it.

I had an amazing night with rough parts, sorry to say goodbye. Sorry for that. I always give my best and forget to make myself okay, always putting another first. For if you care about someone, that’s what you do, for a time. But this is totally like that. It is good most of the times, amazing even, but others, it breaks me apart. Even if these feelings are almost all good, I’m sick of lies, sick of trying to convince myself of hope or a lie I do not truly believe but want to.

My favourite quote ever, made by myself, before, thinking of the same person, paraphrasing, it goes like “I would face my demons, just so I could help you face yours”. This holds true. This holds true. But I have come to realise, with this one-way feeling, that I cannot face my demons, without saying goodbye to you, but I’ll always be hoping you face yours and win. Hoping you succeed. Will always be a call away in your time of darkest need. As, I always care, I always will.

Thinking of the singing tonight, the small things you said, how you do not care like I do. That’s fine. But I must get out.
I have deleted the poems written tonight in pain,
Instead to write true from my heart and mind.

Only sad to see it end,
Sad to see it end on this note.
Only hoping for your best.

I can write for hours and not say what I truly feel, what I truly want to say.
But I try.

I have been better recently, so much so, even if my poetry tonight and recently do not show. But, this is why I know I do need to leave. Do need to say goodbye. To avoid a dark place. As I come to realise, you do not care about me like I do you. I don’t have any blame to give. But I need to, find space to live.

I have a christmas present I still want to give, a small something, not about me, or us, but you. Something I hope you’d let me. But I guess that’s to be seen, or not.

Wishing you, the very best, something I know you can and will succeed.
I’m only saddened by the times, to be lost, past and future.
Saddened that I cannot be there to witness, your success.

Even after publishing I do not know if I really want to say this.
But you deserve the truth.
I hope to ever bone not to cause you any pain.
I’d rather anything and everything else.

But in the end,
I guess this is what makes this,
A goodbye I am so reluctant to say.

Written. Night of the 7th December. Leaving to publish later. To see if I can carry on without the saddest goodbye. I do not want to say.

Published, night of the 10th December, a record of how I felt. With recent happenings, chats, amazing times making it all complicated. But also amazing.

Beyond Compare

Beyond compare,
You are beyond compare,
The way are.

The way you look,
Make-up or not.
Work uniform, pyjamas or casual.
Your beauty shines through,
Beyond compare.

Your beauty,
Others come by,
Beauty shining through.
But you.
You stand there,
No make-up on.
And you are beyond compare.

The way you are.
Beyond compare.

Your kindness,
Intellect,
Sweet voice,
Determination,
And those sweet moments with you.
You.

You.
The way you are.
Just you.
You are.
Always beyond compare.

That Beach Sunset. The Last Night Together

That beach sunset, our last night together.
Sitting next to you,
Cider in one hand,
Yours in another.
Your head resting on my shoulder.

Orange sunset,
The horizon bright and warm,
Going to fade.

Our last night together,
Sitting. Silent. Together.

Happy, yet also sad…
In the moment.
Silent.
In each other’s arms,
Watching the warm sun-glow,
Fade in the sky.

How you turn your head,
Look me in the face,
Smile and laugh.

The sunset. I see. I feel.
My sunset.


A poem where I’m experimenting with a new type, partly fictional poems, where I create a scenario, a scene, place myself within it inside my imagination and let the feelings flow from that. Similar to what I usually do, but more abstract, and a mixture between fiction, truth and experience in different combinations.

My intention is that the mixture will be between feelings, thoughts, scenarios and worries.

Beauty In Your Own Way

Beauty in your own way,
Your own special way.
Unknowable by another.
A unique friendship,
Unique beauty,
Blissful, kind and caring.

Unique as your smile,
The kind words from your lips,
The gentle way you hold on.

The meaningful moments,
Pure bliss.

The unexpected moments,
Pure beauty found.

A moment easily lost.
A time easily missed.
Yet I found an unexpected beauty,
Like a pure unaltered sunrise,
The silent beauty of a sunset.
The colours of nature,
The gift of friends,
The laughter from those moments.

Beauty comes in all places,
If you know how to look,
If you be patient to see it,
If you’re careful to see,
At peace to know.

A beauty, in your own way.
Whether you see it or not.
It’s always there.
Waiting for you to just…
Open your eyes and see it.
In yourself.
In another- just don’t let it pass by unseen.
Before you lose it to time,
With a mere memory of what was there,
Finite. Missed.

Take a chance.
Take a look.
It’s there.

Don’t be the one to say, “I saw once”. “But let it slip”.
“I didn’t see… until it was gone.”

People miss what was before their eyes.
Don’t let this happen to you,
To anyone.

If they do not see,
They missed out.
You did not.

You saw the sunrise,
The stary night sky,
The universal bliss and wonder.
You see it once? You’ll see it again.
Because you chose to look.
Chose to see.

The beauty in your own way.

Wrote thinking about something a new friend on Moodtrack, Frilly_Moon and I chatted about.

Sorry for the late poem if you’re reading this, been busy and wanted a quiet moment to write this.

After writing this poem, I’d like to say thanks, for the message, the poem, quite therapeutic writing this, like most of my poems but different. Looking at the last. Finding rest, peace.

I’d like to say, in addition to yourself who inspired me to write this, I’d also like to dedicate this to a very recent friend, who showed me light, when, I gave up trying to see it. Even though, you’ll never see this.

Little Gift From The Heart

Little gift from the heart,

This little treasure,

Care made tangible,

The little gift from the heart,

Showing me the way,

Showing me the value in being human,

Showing the light, to come from the next day.

Showing care in true form,

Feeling made whole.

The new day,

To shroud out the empty feeling,

Showing me the value of being human.

The value of living,

Through those little gifts from the heart.

The kindness,

The care,

The close friendship,

Knowing someone is there,

Knowing someone cares,

The little gift from the heart.

Funny how a gift from the heart,

Touches the soul.

Embodies a reality worth living.

The treasure to wait for,

The next day to come, to win, to live

And love life,

To love living.

The gift, to encapsulate feeling,

To stretch the mind out of darkness,

Into the light,

Into the beauty of living.

The gift of friendship,

That touches my heart.

Touches my soul.

Brings me to life.

Shows me what I could not see.

Shows me what I’ve missed,

What I stopped seeing,

What I’ve been missing.

The wholeness of being.

Wholeness of feeling,

The kind warm feeling.

The kind and caring friend.

Who writes onto my soul,

A mark of care,

The cherished feeling,

The sight worth seeing,

To life to keep living.

To care for all,

To be there for all.

To be me,

To value this.

To keep the feeling.

To remind me what I’ve missed.

The feeling of being

So much said.

So much to say.

So much,

Embodied,

Encapsulated.

By, through, this little gift from the heart.
Writing this, got a birthday present from my dearest friend. Gone through lots recently, this gift, a gift from the heart, a gift to show the truth. To show me reality. To remind me.

Total gratitude to all my friends, especially my closest friends, whom I will always be there for, will always care for, no matter where I go or however far I drift. The conversations, gifts, even merely hanging out.

These are the biggest and best gifts. The gift of life, the gift to remind how and why life is worth living. Those times where everything works out, where everything works, everything is good.

Being, loving life, loving my friends. Caring for my friends. As they do for me, and never fail to remind me, even if I sometimes find it hard to see. They’re there. All is good.

Meaning of Care

The meaning of care,

A word here or there,

Feelings shared.

A hug,

A friendly mind,

Someone there,

Your hand in mine.

Letting me know someone is there,

That someone cares.

Kindness immense,

Feelings indescribable.

Knowing that someone cares.

My kindness, my care,

I pledge,

To make you feel better,

Help you feel alright.

Even if I fail. I would have won;

If you knew you had someone who cares.

Someone to talk to when totally alone.

A shoulder to cry on, when needed.

A person, hanging onto your friendship.

A person who will never let you fall,

And if I can’t stop it.

I will not let you fall alone.

I’ll be there every step of the way.

To let you know,

Someone cares.

I care.

This is my.

My meaning of care.

Guardian

I’ll always be there,

Even if we stop talking,

Will always keep an eye out.

I’ll always catch you when you fall,

Pick you up when down,

Listen when you need to talk

Advise when you need another opinion.

 

No matter who you leave me for,

No matter how much you hurt me,

No matter how much you don’t care.

I will be there.

A guardian,

Always looking out for you,

My little Fox.

Those Little Things

Those little things you do,

That little smile,

That giggle,

My little fox,

The phone call before bed,

Even if only 5 minutes,

Gone to fast,

Lose time in totality,

Swimming in your voice.

That warmth,

From those little things,

That care,

From those little things,

The little things you do.

That make me fall…

Deeper and deeper in love with you.

Those little things.

To give myself to you,

To help you,

To be with you,

No matter what.

Always there if you need.

Are you using me?

Very well maybe.

But for now I’ll let myself, live in love, feeling. Those little things.
Writing this. After a phone call from my crush. At like 12am, a small chat, very nice. She’s phoned me recently every night around then. Been waiting up for it in case, as I’m in love. So happy. Hearing her voice, her mannerisms, her way of talking. Losing track of time, but never being enough.