Starving Pain

To rip apart,
To own and be my pain,
To show control and bend my will,
In any small way.

Wanting to rip my abdomen,
To rip and rupture.
To throw a fit.
Control through rage.
Anger seething beneath.
Anger at all the loss,
Loss of control,
Loss of life.

Anger and seething.
Wanting to claw my way into my mind,
Claw my way inside.
To rip apart,
Bit by bit.
To watch it rupture,
To watch it rupture,
To throw it out.
Stamp it out,
And crush it within hand. Crush it with all I have.
To rip,
Show my wrath and rip.
To feel the pain,
Pain briught just to feel,
Pain just so I can.

Tiring I falter,
But bring the body pain,
Such ecstacy,
To feel it,
To feel it rip itself inside to out.
Anger and sadness from one unholy match.
Wanting to rip it from itself,
Rip itself from me.


Feeling calmer, still angry, hateful, hurt, in pain. Wanting everything to stop. So the norm. I can’t cope, know I need a change even if it means upending everything. Will definitely do this by October, my goal while fulfilling my own personal promise. I have to. Still even now. Feeling so angry at and about everything. The Walking Dead’s universe feels like it would be so good right now.

Can’t do this. Everything corrupting in my mind, had quite a lot of sleep and going to bed now for more but I’m still exhausted and really dreading work tomorrow, everything tomorrow to be honest. I guess dreading waking up, so the norm again I guess. Whatever.

Problem with calmer anger, it shows overwhelmed anger as true without the fixing of the anger. Shows it to be true rather than temporary issues or feelings going into overdrive and point to a real issue. So fucking pissed off and done. So tired and sick and tired. Can’t even think of anything I’m looking forward to, for, well any time forward from now. Which only makes me even more angry at myself, at life in general.

Memories as they fade

Memories as they fade,
As they fade,
Grasping hold till the let go.

A place of memory,
Of time.
In an attempt,
A promise to,
Also to myself.
In the trying.

The making and being,
In the face of lies and failing.
As I try,
To keep my head up.

To try.

As the thinking grows, tears at me,
As I try on,

To make,
It all okay.
As I try,
All the words flood through my head,
Overwhelm and all my thinking,
Wanting to stand still.

As I think.
Sadness grips me.
Makes me cry in pain,
Thinking, Thinking of it all.
My pain.
My lack of understanding,
Inability to trust my mind,
To trust my sight.

As anger grows and sadness stays,
Anger at my own mind for sight,
For an inability to see,
Wanting to know,
Hurting me. Just trying,
Just trying,
Just trying to see.
To be able to feel and not feel bad.

Went on a trip, a photoshoot with a friend yesterday, was really, really good, but thinking. Thinking. Reminded me of all sorts, even that night out I had a thought I haven’t in a long while. Feeling a little down.

Thinking of my experience and Autism, how I’ve gotten to the stage of hurting myself, insulting myself whenever I feel good, just so I don’t inevitably feel bad. I know it’s counterintuitive but yeah. Better I hurt myself than something else do it.

Just means I’m always ripping into my mind with a shard of glass watching the colour flow. Sadness of existence but never being able to see.

Bring the Pain Into Being

Bringing the pain,
Through my mind into my skin,
Never to be seen.
Scars in the mind.

As the dark smile grows,
Wanting to feel pain,
Penance tor beiny,
Rage at being.

Just to hide, before showing the colours.

As the darkness surrounds,
I have known no other,
Wanting to just rip out of me.
In pain and rage of being.

In my mind I can be.

All the faces before me.
With my given lie.
Oh how they don’t.

Broken shards in my mind, arm and body.

Oh how it all combines,
All these lives,
All in a lie.

Not knowing,
As I bring pain,
Into being.
To feel, pain that I can all bring.
Ripping my skull out of my own mind.

Just to feel angry. Sad. Hurt.

Just to bring about an edge.

Lies, told without even knowing,
Pain has overcome,
Lies they are,
But I’m so used to hiding.
So the snap-shot emotion,
To get past the question,
Years and years of practice.

A mind just to calculate,
Normality, then form a mask.

While inside the pain grows,
Making the unseen scars,
Rip across my face and body.

Bringing anger and sadness.
Till it exhausts me.
Till I collapse tired.
Till I give up.

Being, bringing pain into the mind,
The mind’s response pain, for the body only to.
Lead to it all.
Pain totality, anger and sadness.
Left hollow and lost.

Disappointment is key,
To bring feeling to this pain,
To make it whole and grow free.
A rage, a battle against me.

Panic Turns

Panic turns,

A day, a future, nothing,
Worry of changes happening,
The mind claustrophobic,
Worried running amok,
Feeling claustrophobic and wanting an escape.

Running and running in the mind,
Panicking and wanting to escape.
Nothing helping,
The mind running and running over and over.

In my skin,
Panicking bit by bit,
Wondering, thinking.
All thoughts, at once,
Like 100 minds in one,
At the same time and in conflict.

Bursting forth from my mind.
Where it hurts,
Worries, worries and panic.
My head wanting to rip free.
To tear out.
To escape panic,
Heart beating fast, breathing heavy.

Just so,
So many thoughts in mind,
Causing great panic,
Without reason.
Panic, just panic without reason,
Sudden and severe, wanting to tear my brain out.

Just all the thoughts.

Panicked. Don’t know. Sudden. Trying to sleep but thinking. So I can’t. I may try to go out and do photography if I can’t get some sleep. Just panicked. Hating this. Thinking about so much. So many things and just panicking.

Defiant Rage

Defiant rage,
Raging out,
Defiant against the pain.

Holding on those good memories,
That warm against the fade.
Bringing with it a hold,
A grasp,
Onto reality.
Thinking, remembering.

Defiant against the pain and the haters.
To rip out the pain.
Violently I shake myself back into existence.

To remember, to feel.
Raging to feel alive,
As it burns against my skin.
Gritting my teeth.
Just to feel alive.

Bringing myself out of the pain,
Through the burning flames of the mind.

Letting the flames wrap around.
Creativity and life,
Burning deep.
Burning deep inside.

A defiant rage.
To feel,
Breaking out,
Breaking apart,
To feel.

To make,
Breaking off the past.

Remnants from a wretched existence.

Breaking free to find.
To be free.

Let it all out into the night.
Memories of that last moment,
Dark but also with its own shine.

Breaking free,
As I remember all those sweet times,
Slight reminders,
Bringing me back to life.

Holding on,
To the only bright light,
That I can find,
From those depths of despair.

At home.
Finding those moments,

Bringing hope out,

From those times,
Gone but for a little while,
But bringing life.
To feel alive again.
Kind, sweet, at home, and alive.
Reminder away from the pain.

The times,
Those times, those nights.
Nothing, but everything,
Everything all the same.

Feeling better, angry at the pain endured, continued, hurt but defiant all the same. Defiant to wretched pain wrought.

Defiant, but happy, remembering good memories, kindness given over a long time of being in pain. A time where I could merely be myself, open up, be nerdy and not judged. Help and in doing, also be helped. Without any intention to be helped. Kind times, just really good and nice and giving hope for the future.

War Of Mind

War of mind,
The dark sky above,
The turbulent waters,
The ocean once blue, now a bottomless black.

The mind at war,
A past, the warzone,
The continued battlefield,
Pain and suffering,
The norm.

How broken is the silence,
How destroyed is the dying light.
A meagre ray,
Dying in its existence,
Pained from its being.

The blackened velvet darkness,
A cold embrace,
Darkness realised.

When shown,
Always a killer.
Destroying one from the inside.

Breaking apart.
Ripping into.

Waiting for it to end.
The darkness, consuming,
But always an arm’s length away.

Darkness is calm,
Not what others think.
It’s calm,
It’s quiet,
It’s resolved,
Accepting of being, of pain.

Darkness goes on,
Light drowned out.

Sickness is life,
Death is escape.
A broken world only seen.
The world gone to black,
But not enough,
Not fading from existence.

Not feeling, feeling.
An empty calm void,
Holding what rage I have.
To a calm close,

Been meaning to write a poem like this for a few days. Ups and downs occurring but at least days ending well and hence I haven’t. But tonight it’s ending a bit shit. Fomo, being alone and all ‘friends’ being fake at best or worse. Don’t know, I convince myself otherwise but the signs, proof has been there since primary school and unchanging.

Ending the day a bit shit I guess.

Saddened Anger

Saddened anger,
A waking night,
No sleep to be found,
The mind turning, raging,
With no reason in sight.

Sadness and anger,
Without a cause,
The tiring,

All a massive confusion,
Trying to make it straight.
To know,
Tired but no sleep for my mind turns over and over.
No time as my mind keeps going.

Anger and sadness floods.
As my mind lets go,
At peace with this state.

The mind,
Just leave it,
Just stop.

If only the anger or sadness was enough,
To stop this thinking.

Really need to sleep, long day past, long day ahead, but mind is turning. Angry and sad without knowing why.

Rage Through The Soul

Rage through the soul,
Upon those darkest days.

Throw me what you got!
I’ll throw it back harder!

All the fury,
At trying,
When it is thrown, back into my face.

Rage and anger,
When it is all done.
Rage against the dark,
Those who hurt,
Who try to crush me.
Who breaks into me.

I shall not falter.
I shall not.
I will not.

Hurt. When it all comes.
I try.
It is hurt, broken.
Hate for all.
Breaking away from my pain.
Defying all, as I merely try,
Only to be hurt, insulted.
Rage, fills my soul.
Fills my mind.

Anger at the inconsideration,
The horrible moments,
When those try to crush you.
Filth, fed up.

Wrote this, a rant. Had a very shit day at work. Started okay, as usual, a bit worried, but it was all due to me trying, trying to be better, to work. This is okay, I bring it on myself, as I always try to be better. However, what was horrible was something someone said. Accusations, blame and horrible. Harboured rage and hate for over 4 hours after. How rude! I tried! Tried and was given accusations. Especially who it was, they have a lot to talk about!

Total rage, a person, in their criticism, the most hypocritical. Stupid. Hating trying and being effectively told to fuck off. Terrible, horrible. Leaving me seething. Wanted to just quit on the spot.

Luckily, one thing I’ve learned well, is holding your tongue. It only ends up worse anyway. For the first time, thinking, it’s not worth it. Horrible. Makes all I was okay with terrible, lots of things I was looking forward to, empty. The year not starting, and I already want it over.

No words to describe my outrage, disappointment! Horrid!

Calmed down slightly, since, but still. I cannot forget. Horrid people. This is something I will not forget. Horrid people, with false and unknowledgable accusations, making untrue and uninformed assumptions, coming into something, not knowing and pretending to know all, to enforce.

What’s worse? The rude, uninformed assumption. I’d be okay with a question to make sure, a tiny piece of effort to become informed. But as usual, an example of coming out of nowhere, making an assumption on nothing and pretending it’s law, trying to pass it off as such. Something my Gran always used to say, ’empty vessels make most noise’. Raging at the moment.

Worse still? Fucking simple, kindness, a kind request, for information, or request for a task. Rather that walking it and making it all up, demanding. What I slightly feared, what many feared in leaving, well. Shown to be true. I am not looking forward. I tried to calm down, watching TV. But as usual in my head, nothing changes that this happened. I’m fuming. It will pass. The memory won’t. It never does. Kindness, it doesn’t cost a thing. Nothing. Yet for some it is too much to ask. These are moments when I’m truly sad, at how horrible humans can be, how they can show a lack of consideration.

Especially due to my own preconditions with certain codes I hold myself to, a lack of consideration, is something I see all too often, to say every hour would be a underestimate. But I’m aware of my weird code I hold myself to and that it doesn’t hold true to others. But. At least basic kind consideration. Maybe not as far as my level (probably too much), but maybe something showing consideration of another person’s humanity. It this too much to ask.

Hatred so Alien, Apathy Pure

Hatred so alien, apathy pure.
The feeling inside you,
Not much of one.
A lack.
An empty hatred, filled with apathy.
In sound? A guitar string snapping.
Sight? A car crashing.
A feeling.
A lack of everything.

Thinking and pondering,
Apathy this must be.
Yet no.

Apathy for the mistakes made,
Trust given all a lie I tried to believe.

At being stabbed in the gut,
Left for dead.
A seething pain I will not let rule me.
I was a fool.
I believed.

The rage and apathy,
Calming together.
The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
The apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.

How two emotions,
Thought to be raging,
Actually are calming,
Realising a mistake.
My fault.
Stupid faults of my past,
My way of thinking.
Of mistaking that all are kind.

To realise a truth always people tell me.

I realise.
And it’s okay.

The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
The apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.

And with this. A better future opens up for me.
To learn from the past.
To find a better future.

The rage to avoid mistakes once made.
Thw apathy to avoid the pain.
Both lessons from a painful time.
Lessons to avoid a painful future.

I’m not upset, I’m okay actually today was a good day. Just trying to wrap my head around a feeling, One I’ve never really held nor do really understand. Hatred. Or if that is what this feeling is.

I care about everyone, including strangers, everyone is worth decency, care and kindness, just before they’re living beings.

But then there’s this feeling, I may google it after this. Trying to wrap my head around it. A constant, unsubsiding feeling. One that is calming, pushing me to not make the same mistakes again, but always there, looking it up it’s a mix between hatred and apathy. But total. Either way. Really an alien feeling that is so weird. So I write to try and make sense of it.

I guess this poem is a storyesque, because it’s not like I’m feeling angry right now but more a reflection I guess

Actually writing this has been quite cathartic. Has made me feel a bit better. Now I kinda understand.