Sleeping the day away,
A shelter, from thought, worry, anxiety.
From the trying comes my failure,
Worry, of failing others.
Broken, in time.
Have people lied so long?
And the truth is coming out now?
Is this state the truth?
Leaving me hollow, empty.
Seeing the signs,
My mind worsening.
A tumor growing,
A tumor of being.
Not knowing what to do.
I tried, I try.
The brain, warping, rupturing.
Breaking down anything before it.
Wanting to cry it out.
But feeling so empty.
Empty as I look before,
Seeing my failures splayed.
Trying to find the strength,
To get through,
To make well,
To go out,
To free myself with passion, enthusiasm.
But I tire,
As the overthinking crushes every feeling,
As I think, trying to will myself to betterment.
Wanting to do my best,
To be kind.
As you pass and see the world’s beauty.
Don’t even feel like looking.
Given up on seeing.
A sad set of affairs,
Watching myself fall and fall.
Just watching, seeing the breaking apart. Helpless.
And everything people’s said,
Plays over and over.
A write-off for the day, as my trying ends in failure.
A stressful shift. Can’t help but think I did everything wrong. Always. What’s worst. Is me. Asbergers if I have it, is always thinking, playing all the worst moments over and over in my head, unceasingly. Making me feel sick and tired. Not sleepy but tired.
Was looking forward to doing some photography today after shift. But don’t feel like it. Just feel like sleeping the day away, so I cannot do anything else wrong. I did all I could, all I thought right. But at least, when unconscious I won’t think.
It started well, really well, but ended stressful and shit.
Again, what’s worst, it’s not like anyone said I did a shit job, maybe it was thought by them, maybe it wasn’t. But I can’t help but think and think. Till I feel like retching. Not even sure. But I tried. I always try.
Today is a write-off.
Hoping to heal, but yet another blow.
Can’t even think. I tried.
After recent stuff, really didn’t think this day could end so bad.
Hooing I could be on the mend.
But instead I feel myself slipping down in more ways than one.
Giving me worries for any future.
How is everything going so bad? Is it even? Or a fault in my brain?
Probably didn’t help that I didn’t take a break, but I didn’t have time, and would have preferred to not take one and try make better.
I don’t even feel like eating. I just want to sleep.
Didn’t think this year could go so bad. I have less stress paying for a Masters, more time to relax and do what I want, less stress with exams and more time. More time just to try my best just with work, to do good work, to help. To do good work.
Just losing everything. Hard. I just cannot escape my body or my mind. Trapped. Everything, especially me, just breaking me apart.
I really wanted to move away from home and now, I am losing myself, every reason I had, just unfeeling. I don’t have a desire to move back, but losing everything I wanted. So left with nothing. As I try.