Sleeping The Day Away

Sleeping the day away,
A shelter, from thought, worry, anxiety.

From the trying comes my failure,
Worry, of failing others.

Broken, in time.

Have people lied so long?
And the truth is coming out now?

Is this state the truth?

Leaving me hollow, empty.

Seeing the signs,
My mind worsening.
A tumor growing,
A tumor of being.

Not knowing what to do.
I tried, I try.
So hard.

The brain, warping, rupturing.
Breaking down anything before it.

Wanting to cry it out.
But feeling so empty.
Empty as I look before,
Seeing my failures splayed.

Trying to find the strength,
To get through,
To make well,
To go out,
To free myself with passion, enthusiasm.

But I tire,
As the overthinking crushes every feeling,
Every inclination.
Feeling failure.

As I think, trying to will myself to betterment.
I tire.
Trying all.

Wanting to do my best,
To help,
To be kind.

As you pass and see the world’s beauty.
Don’t even feel like looking.
Given up on seeing.

A sad set of affairs,
Watching myself fall and fall.
Just watching, seeing the breaking apart. Helpless.

Only trying,
And everything people’s said,
Plays over and over.
A write-off for the day, as my trying ends in failure.


A stressful shift. Can’t help but think I did everything wrong. Always. What’s worst. Is me. Asbergers if I have it, is always thinking, playing all the worst moments over and over in my head, unceasingly. Making me feel sick and tired. Not sleepy but tired.

Was looking forward to doing some photography today after shift. But don’t feel like it. Just feel like sleeping the day away, so I cannot do anything else wrong. I did all I could, all I thought right. But at least, when unconscious I won’t think.

It started well, really well, but ended stressful and shit.

Again, what’s worst, it’s not like anyone said I did a shit job, maybe it was thought by them, maybe it wasn’t. But I can’t help but think and think. Till I feel like retching. Not even sure. But I tried. I always try.

Today is a write-off.

Hoping to heal, but yet another blow.

Can’t even think. I tried.

After recent stuff, really didn’t think this day could end so bad.
Hooing I could be on the mend.
But instead I feel myself slipping down in more ways than one.
Giving me worries for any future.

How is everything going so bad? Is it even? Or a fault in my brain?

Probably didn’t help that I didn’t take a break, but I didn’t have time, and would have preferred to not take one and try make better.

I don’t even feel like eating. I just want to sleep.

Didn’t think this year could go so bad. I have less stress paying for a Masters, more time to relax and do what I want, less stress with exams and more time. More time just to try my best just with work, to do good work, to help. To do good work.

Just losing everything. Hard. I just cannot escape my body or my mind. Trapped. Everything, especially me, just breaking me apart.

I really wanted to move away from home and now, I am losing myself, every reason I had, just unfeeling. I don’t have a desire to move back, but losing everything I wanted. So left with nothing. As I try.

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Never Will See

Never will see,
Lost to time,
The way I saw you, felt.
And you laughed at me.

And just ended with a goodbye.
Lost to time.
Feelings,
Lost, left and starved in the cold winter frost.

The care, glowing warm,
Like a cigarette before,
Being stubbed out and left.
In the cold dark of night.

A final end,
To all the trying and care.

Never to be seen.
Left on that cold sidewalk,
In the depths of a winter’s night.
Left out in the cold floor of a winter’s night.
To fade away,
Irradiate all it’s heat and light.
In that cold winter night.
Never to be seen.

Looking Away

The times spent, looking away.
To save myself from trouble.
To keep on, believing the lie.

I look away to save face,
To save my heart.

Looking at the memories,
And turning my back.
Sad and reluctant.

Unable to think.

Knowing I have to look away.

Conflicted.
Having to look away.
To cut off and hate
To end my thoughts.

Looking away.

The Sad Setting-Sun

On the horizon,
The sad setting-sun,
The orchestral symphony of colour,
The beauty soon to fade.

Tears streaming down a face,
Witnessing an end.
A finite into darkness.
Witnessing a new era.

A time of renewal.
Accompanied by an end.
Tears streaming down a face,
The sadness of a setting-sun.

The inevitable end,
Known in advance.
Hoped would never come.
The symphony of colour,
Soon to go,
Never to be the same.

The memory,
Also soon to fade.
Tears streaming down a face.
Witness of the end.

On to new beginnings,
Better times.
Tears still streaming down a face,
Witness of an end.
A time come to close.
A change so profound.

Waiting for a chance to stay,
Knowing the path lies ahead,
To take a step into the dark.
Off and away.

Tears still streaming down a face- the sad setting-sun.
To let go,
To walk down this path.
Turn turn your back.

To face the setting sun. A last goodbye.
The new beginning to come.
The sadness behind a setting-sun.
With tears streaming down a face.

Outside The Feeling

Outside the feeling I find myself.

Looking in,

Unfeeling, yet feeling.

Going about my day, feeling and forgetting.

The feelings slipping away from me,
Without a second look,

Left empty.
But not sad.
But not happy.

Outside of the feeling,

I find myself, trapped and excluded.

Wandering around,

Feeling incomplete without the feeling,

Being on the outside of the feeling.

The lack,
The empty,
The cold,
The lack of feeling.

Knocking on the door,
Wanting to be let in.

Wanting to understand,

Left outside,
Without memory of the feeling,
Of the past,
Wondering what it was like.

Having familiarity- all too familiar- ripped away from me.

Now I find myself,

In mourning;
For what I have not lost,
For what I have lost,
And for everything I do not know

Outside of the feeling.

Irreversible Loss

This irreversible loss,

My face turned away,

My mind closed off, left out

Not in agreement,

A shattered soul, in a cage

The emptiness and panic

To walk away,

Cut completely out,

The heart, mind and feeling.

To empty the shell,

To walk away,

Cut it out,

Empty my mind.

To walk away,

Leave it behind,

Cut it out.

To embrace the irreversible loss.

Of mind, life, feeling and meaning.

To embrace the emptiness,

A pinnacle of irreversible loss.

Nature Thrown Away

The rubbish littered across the floor,

Transformation of my space,

The alien landscape, unfamiliar.

My own face, unrecognisable to me,

The stripping,

The losing

The transformation.

The ending of an era,

Ending of a face.

To be replaced by the fake.

The copied.

The edited,

Where we live,

How,

Why,

When nature’s thrown away

Thrownaway

Feeling thrownaway,

All gone,

All hurt,

Left alone,

All gone.

In the summer’s sun but nothing warms me,

Around people but always alone,

In the quiet but always the storm raging inside my mind.

Always.

Always thrown away 

Always going back for more,

Always.

Thrownaway.

When will I find the peace,

The silence.

That feeling of being empty,

That feeling of being thrownaway.

Always lurking,

Always lingering.

Always there,

Despite my best efforts to control it.

All for nothing.

All out of energy.

Being…

Thrownaway.