Just being

Been sorting lots of stuff out, in my head, in my life and stuff. Been feeling much better. Feel I’ve lost something though. Don’t know, maybe it’ll make stuff better. I guess I’ll see.

Still, totally calm pretty much. But also it’s kinda a lack of feeling more than just ‘alright’, feel cam, but dunno, still miss. Still miss. But hope it’ll be better, I’ll be better, I’ve tried to be better.

I’m eating better, sorting through lots of old stuff, chilling more, sorting out my mental health and outlook on life more. Lots of stuff.

Been a busy weekend. Unfortunately haven’t gotten to do any photography for like 2 or 3 days, but since I’ve been doing it for the last couple weeks pretty much everyday I guess that’s okay. I’ve been busy sorting stuff out anyway.

Feel alright, but only looking forward to one thing. Just don’t know though.

Not even emotionally sad or happy, so don’t feel I can even write a poem to be honest.

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A Sign, Unexpected

A sign unexpected,
Beyond any expectation,
Beyond any glimmer of comprehension.

A sign, showing me truth, showing me care,
Showing me confidence.
But also, showing me my scars,
My wounds, I had thought healed,
Opened and festering.
Without care I hoped to close,
To ignore.
That it had disappeared.
It hadn’t.
Just resided until again.

The pain still raw, still real.

It’s showed me.
The need to close,
To heal,
To end the chapter.
To cease its pain.
So a scar left will just be that.
A sign, a reminder, of the past.

It’s showed me.

It’s truly showed me.

From this sign, unexpected.
From a place unknown.

A message never expected.

A truth to be known.
A truth I didn’t see.
But now see clear.

I still, with this sign,
Know what to do,
But not the way.

I can only guess,
And truth my heart and mind.
To let go of the pain,
To let go of fear,
To see and to trust.
To rebuild,
To remedy.
To be kinder to myself,
For I’m here trying after all my struggles. After all the pain and scarring.

To find and cope.
To make whole again how I had been shattered, so long ago.
Yet the cracks remain fractured wide.

I will try.
I will try.

The first step was sight,
To see the pain still beneath,
The scars still left open.

Hopefully I can get peace,
After those scars are closed.
Hopefully I can find,
Be ready to find what was lost,
When I do this.


A happier poem has been long overdue, this is happy-sad, writing this way too late before work tomorrow but I have to for me and my mental health.

It’s happy and sad, happy for finding, happy for being and seeing, sad for losing, but happy for the hope of it getting better and maybe getting back what I regret to have lost. But needed to for getting back on track and a new perspective.

I aim to write a blogpost on another blog I have about hardship and how it should be embraced and learnt from for its forging elements. But will do that another time, hopefully tomorrow unlike I planned to today.

I haven’t added an image to a post in a long time. But this one deserves one. I was going to look at the site I usually went to. But was looking for a meaningful one. But. It hit me. There was only one image. The image that changed me, the time that changed me, the sunset I can never and would never want to forget. The one that started this life- and mind-changing journey. Started the confidence, the care, the pain, hardship and growth. It started it all.

Okay In Time

It’ll be alright,
In, as times flow,
In time all wounds heal,
Scars heal till only a reminder is left.

Those scars make us who we are.
Painful in the time.
Left,
To the dark past within the mind.

As the light shines over the horizon,
To rise and let the light shine.

As it goes,
Okay in time.


Doing better, helping lots of people on Moodtrack, chatted to my American friend only a little, miss chatting haha and a good friends congratulated me on my dissertation hand-in, a good friend who’s only just left and I am missing them while they’re abroad.

But a better day.

This Is Not Me

Rise up against this gravity,
Throwing down the past.
Thrown up, in this revelation.

The world in place,
All the recurrences,
Plague of the light.
A light shining to throw away the shade.

The song sounds low,
As being sets in.
The scene, of life.
The horizon in sight.

The sun rising high,
The remnants of the world,
With darkness put aside.

Throwing out there,
The self, power and rage.
To live, to stand.
To make a place.
Against the darkness of the rage.

Standing against the darkness,
The demons that had their grip so close,
The demons within my mind,
Pushed back and out.

A life-line, glimpse into the world.
To grasp-hold,
To make way.

To take part.
Make whole.
Embracing all there is,
What is good, when nothing is left.
This is not me.

This is not me.
In an effort, to find me.
Rage and move into light.


Writing this, after work, felt rough. Been writing this for a couple hours on and off from procrastination on my dissertation. Had a revelation, that’s turned everything down. Something so clear but also not. Something I never thought, tried not to. For its implications about life, people and outlooks. It’s clear, and I’m feeling better, but also hurt by how the world can be sometimes. But knowing. At least knowing.

A Way When I Cannot See

A way when I cannot see,
Try though as I may.

Lost in a flurry of confusion.
A way to be found,
Will be found.
Trials and trials,
Fighting for life, stability.

It will be.
I will try.
I must.

Oh how these paths are never clear,
Always dark,
Obscured from view,
Without faith for any path, until,
It is already walked down.

Obscured from view,
To push on.
To try.
To find this path,
Trying to forge from which I cannot see.

A path, a flame so bright.
Wavering in uncertainty.
Wavering, flickering,
Going cold but not dead.

Finding in the dark.
Something to be excited for, in the light.

New Bright Day Shining

New bright day shining,
So much to come in the ever,
No matter the good or bad times.
Always having that bright shining day to come.

A little step,
The step to be taked,
Forged throughout.
To be made,
Shared,
So nothing but casual.

Moment in the making,
For the taking.
This time that only comes once,
A time, fleeting in its beauty.
The night brightened up.

The fleeting time to make the most of.
Oh how I can’t stop.
The moments coming so close,
Trying the best I can.

The time in the making,
The time here.

In the fragility of the time,
This better moment,
To be better,
In its better feeling.

So much in the past,
Left unsaid,
Relegated to the death of the past.
An erasure, for the better times to be had.

So much feeling,
In this world,
The clearest moments.
Lucid in their intricacy.
Beauty is their currency,
Simple times for the making.

Music to the soul,
Better in their making.

Of the new,
The bright shining day,
Irradiance of night.


Writing this, feeling good, chatted a lot to a really good friend throughout my shift today who’s helped me a whole lot. Feeling good, much better, believed in, encouraged and helped. Feeling much better, finally got over feeling down about my overthinking, knowing it’s irrational, but the feelings persisted. Feeling better!

Writing this poem for me, for them and for another dear friend I’m thinking about, always never failing to make me laugh, smile haha.

Better Through the Goodbye

Better through this goodbye to come,
The times shining in my mind.
Hoping, chatting and being.

A time to come,
A goodbye to be said,
To grow and be better.
To try before the final.

Bettering before this goodbye.
Hoping it’s just for a time.
Though it’ll be a while.

Bettering through this goodbye.
All the possibility.
To strive, stretch and be better.

Thinking, feeling,
Thinking of you,
A better me,
Trying, as I have.
Finding place,
Finding a time where I can try.

The betterment before the goodbye.
Before the finality,
Trying to hold on to.
Myself, being better.
Whilst keeping true to truth.


Thinking of a friend, a really good friend I don’t really know. A friend I’m trying to be better for, trying to self-improve my life in so many ways. Knowing, we’ll be saying goodbye for a while, hopefully not for good. But being better as I try. Been an amazing day, an amazing time seeing them. Trying, being and being happy with this.

Better Going Forward

Better going forward,
Moment in the fore,

Kindest soul,
Thinking,
Yet also calm,
Also in place.
A time when all is right,
All is okay,
All is good.

This time,
Is good,
A bit worrisome.

But.
It is better going forward.
So much, all better.
Free from many demons that plagued my mind.
Better with general kindness,
My best of friends,
Kindest of moments.

So much to look for,
Look forward,
Move, anticipate and enjoy.

It’s better moving forward,
A path not yet treat.
A path for me.
Forward, better, nicer.

Oh how it is better going forward,
Excitement for what is to some.
Friends, kind, beautiful.
Helping, helped, me.
Now to be okay,
Free.

World opening up…
To be…
Better going forward.


Worries of my last post, pretty much evaporated with a single conversation, feeling amazing again, another reminder, of how my mind is my worst enemy. Pushing everything from actuality, into every possible potentiality. So many things have improved recently, feeling infinitely better, in everything, work, socially, my studies, friends, and everything. With my best friend helping, I’m also improving a number of other key areas.

Precious Moments

Precious moments,
Those good moments,
Those times,
Kindness, to come,
A good day to come,
All better,
Through those precious moments,
Those times.

Smallest moments,
The times, where the calm comes.
Calm to a troubled mind,
Calm to a living day.

The precious moments,
Occasional, nice
Those precious moments.

 


Feeling a lot better, seeing my best friend has helped totally. Feeling calmer, more able to do work, everything is better, will get better. Need to stop overthinking.

Blog on Value and Deception

A quick blog but more really a note to myself.

I’ve never believe I’ve been smart even though I am told endlessly by everyone. I accept it when people tell me but never really believe it. Kind of (but also slightly different) like when people say I’m nice, I accept it (but what is different is that I know I’m nice and totally hate it with a passion hence I wish I was more like Negan from the Walking Dead, quick summary of him, a person who is badass, if he doesn’t like someone then he gets what he wants no matter what affect it has on anyone).

One quick aside, even over Christmas I met a close friend’s uncle (I think), got on with him really well and I was warned he’d ask me loads and loads of questions (and he did) one of the many was ‘are you smart?’. My answer as usual is, “kind of, but I cannot really be the judge of that” and then to go on how everyone is smart in their own right (something I wrote about on a different blog, a more academic one I have on WordPress).

Studying history at university you very occasionally come across people who seem to have encyclopaedic knowledge on random or niche topics. I must be one of them but never thought of it like that. What brought this up earlier today, was a friend told me their topic and I recommended a film I studied prior and they having researched their topic hadn’t come across that film that fits their entire topic perfectly, looking at gender, and class in courtship between 1930 and 1940. I picked a ‘perfect film’.

And through my whole academic studies from the start of secondary school to now doing a Masters, many, many classmates have always asked me and even specifically me questions about the course, assessment and stuff, I mean at me personally through direct message. My friend, or the two friends I helped today I know it’s okay and they didn’t ask and it wasn’t a problem for me. As most. I just like helping as I have this stuff in my head and I may as well make use of it if it’s taking up space in my head.

This leads me to the less optimistic part. I have been used many times since the start of secondary school I have been used for my head. Not that I really ever realised. That’s a bit I need to improve upon. Seeing through the most terrible people who merely think of themselves, use to their own ends and discards. People who are my antithesis in how I think.

My antithesis because I help because helping is good, it’s usually easy and non-costly, and even when it has been I often do it anyway. But it’s hard to see in my own head that’s not how others work.

I will not change how I help people, without expectation of gain. But I will keep an eye out and not offer help to those unkind, hurtful, accusation all, manipulative and self-seeking.

The problem comes, at least for me, to tell the difference. To give kindness to those who deserve it. To leave those who don’t To their own lives.

I am feeling okay, this blog post, may not be riveting, but has been very personal and cathartic for me. I hope someone else finds something of use in this.