Pleasant Surprise

Pleasant surprise,

Nice intervention,

A world from anew,

A place not seen before.

The crazy, excited, ecstatic feeling.

The kindness and intelligence.

A world shown.

Thrown from my own,

Complete surprise.

Through this contentment.

A crazy revelation,

Crazy existence.

My place.

The crazy feeling.

Ecstatic and total. Crazy and looms

The Problem of Being Logical.

There is a problem of being too logical, it’s like being able to see while everyone else is unable, it’s like knowing to a solution to a mathematical equation that you cannot speak  or share.

I find this in many areas, where I rationalise something from a startpoint and don’t stop until it comes to an inevitable conclusion (while also accounting for any and all gatherable information and other points of view to find the ‘best’).

The most enraging times are those when someone I know listen to my rationalisation, agree with it being the rationalisation, but still disagree due to some ‘inherent feeling’.

I would like to reiterate that I do not mean I come up with an opinion and hold onto it dearly disregarding all other views, this is not what I do. What I do is find out lots of information, let’s say about a situation, then I rationalise, let’s say, a solution or rationale. From a premise I construct a path, and keep testing each brick, each step against all other bricks and pick the one that stands up the strongest.

The worst times are when others see and agree with the construction of a rationale, using a process like I have already mentioned, however even despite total agreement. They do not accept the end argument, lacking any disputing evidence rationale or argument.

It’s also difficult when people look at what you say or write and look at you like you’re speaking a different language. You start wondering are you?

The end conclusion of this on a personal note, for most (definitely 99% at the least) interactions I speak like I have castrated my own mind for the duration of a social interaction. It is usually easier this way, there is no confusion, a conversation is held and passed. However, there is no stretch, no growth, challenge or stimulation.

The problem of being logical, of being, self-neutering to fit in with everyone else.

I also do not wish to sound pretentious or self-important. I do not value my own opinion above others, I welcome and prefer it when others prove me wrong, provide evidence or a better and more rational view, this excites me and represents growth. I love an intellectual debate, a smart conversation. Questioning reality, experience, perception, views and everything there is to know. I love teaching others or sharing my opinion and prefer greatly others to share theirs. The best thing about other people sharing their opinion (even if I reason that it’s not the best potential evidence in an argument) is that it is potential evidence, it’s another tool to be used. Knowledge providing more. Providing growth.

As always, the problem being too logical. I’m left in a world, either castrated or an outcast. Either way, disatisfied and bored.

The Meaning

The meaning,
The being, place and life.
All for something and all of me.

The place of meaning, life and living.
Placed in a world of being, of staying.

My meaning and place. My comfort and solace.

My place being and moment.

The place I feel at home.
The place to escape my torture.

My place, accepting, my being and place.

My world and my being,
To my shaping.
To my creation.

Shaped into comfort and satisfaction.

My meaning,
My world made whole,
My creation of the meaning,
Not there to begin with.

Arms Outstretched

Arms outstretched,

The time gone past,

Arms outstretched in comfort, in care.

In love, life and feeling.

In ecstatic feeling of content,

The ups and downs to be weathered.

The life with its arms outstretched.

To find the diamond in the rough.

The times there,

My path outstretched.

Open and to be mapped,

My course in the making.

My openness and care,

My kindness,

The care shown, care felt.

The life’s course,

To stand by what is right,

No matter who says you are wrong.

To live a life of care, kindness and love.

Touching people’s lives as I hope to feel.

To offer kindness and solace,

A warm embrace and kindness with care.

Confidence in who I am.

In who I can become.

No matter who stands in my way.

No matter the challenge to my kindness and care.

I am who I am and proud.

My arms outstretched,

The future to greet, embrace and hold.

To stand and be proud.

To take my future, life and goals.

To make them my own.

To make them whole.

To embrace the feeling.

To leave the obstacles behind,

Confined to my past,

The darkness pushed aside,

To live out what I can be, do and feel.

My arms outstretched to embrace the future I make before me.

My arms outstretched. To make my own path.

To make and embrace the future before me.

Lessons from the Past

Lessons from the past,

The intricate path taken,

My intricate path walked,

The twists and turns,

The path walked, the path lived.

The path I take for my own.

The way I move,

The way I am.

The mistakes once made,

The faults of my past and my mind.

The path I forge towards my future.

Bright and determined,

Persevering to achieve what I need, what I am.

Forging my path ahead,

Through what I must,

Through what I am.

To what I can be, what I can do:

What I can achieve.

My determination pronounced.

The path I must take.

The way I walk with determination into the coming future.

Confining my mistakes to the past.

Mistakes made and a future to be found.

To be made.

To overcome my limitations.

To learn from these lessons from my past, from within.

To forge my future, my path.

Through those lessons from within.

Those lessons from my past.

To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Worried at the Crossroad

Been worrying all day today, all day yesterday when not hanging out with my closest friend.
I’m stepping to the crossroads, total uncertainty and now a lot of time to comprehend the step into darkness. With nothing for certain and feeling alone. Totally alone. No matter what friends or family say to me.

Alcohol is a distraction, not a good one, I still see my procrastination, but feel paralysed by uncertainty, loneliness and fear. I focus on doing small tasks like washing just to feel calm or sane. Can’t wait to get back to work, to distract myself. I can’t do both.

My laptop not working is also stressing me out as I can’t get to job searching or applications and feel paralysed by mood and actuality alike.

Always panicking, not able to cope, always looking for distraction. I knew I would hate this degree. For giving me uncertainty and time to worry about that uncertainty. Something I couldn’t afford to before my last assessment.

Now I’m left drifting alone, in the sea of uncertainty. Fearful, alone and afraid.

Personality Disorder Test

I’ve known for a while I must have a personality Disorder of some kind.

I may get depressed, but that’s a symptom, of how I feel, think, see the world, fear, react to people, interpret, value and be.

I know this isn’t diagnostic, but was wondering, the highest is what I’ve suspected for a while. It captures what I feel, think, fear and act. The characteristics cause me the pain and are always the cause of the pain. Found it on accident when I was low and thinking about my patterns of thinking and was the first thing to come up on google, Mind’s website on it.

Disorder Result
ParanoidPersonality High
SchizoidPersonality Low
SchizotypalPersonality High
AntisocialPersonality Moderate
BorderlinePersonality Very High
HistrionicPersonality Moderate
NarcissisticPersonality Low
AvoidantPersonality High
DependentPersonality Very High
Obsessive-CompulsivePersonality High
Take the Personality Disorder Test
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Notes from a damned soul

Songs remind me of you, waiting till midnight for your potential call, knowing it won’t come tonight as you’re busy with him. But I wait up anyway. In vain.

You keep wanting me to come hang out, do you see it kills me every time? Do you care? Or are you merely using me?

Clawing me back, even as I need to escape. It’s my fault, I could always avoid you, but never do.

How can you not know it kills me.

You saw what it did to me before, the scars, only the ones that show. What is inside is worse. That night you said hurtful things, tore me apart, from the very core, the accusations and faulting of every aspect of mine I hold dear.

You even mentioned knowing how we had to stop talking and understood why. Clearly not, it kills me inside now as before.

How can you not see?

How can you continue my torture.

You continue my torture.

Yet I keep walking into it willingly.

It’s my fault but that doesn’t change the fact it kills me and you watch. You help me do it. Encourage me towards my end to come. My looking forward to nothing but the end, an escape from the pain, from my reality.

How can you do this?

Why?

You saw what it did to me.

Honestly, I regret we started talking again. Some of these times recently have been the best, but also the worst. That’s the hardest thing, saying goodbye to escape from the pain, from the darkness, from my torture. Is also saying goodbye to all the good times, in truth, the lies and disillusionment. But nevertheless they make things I am doing in life feel like they are worth something, mean something, give me enthusiasm for more.

I need to break out.

Need to make a change.

Need to escape you,

Escape my torture one way or another.

But I am left with one question I can’t answer.

Why do you encourage my pain, my torture?

Bringing up the guy, other guys, “hot” guys on tinder. I don’t want you to lie, but at least be truthful, and let me go as I need to.

Let me go as I need to.