Lost Again

Lost again,
After a too-short time of living,
Living on borrowed time.
Living a borrowed life,
Of happiness, direction and meaning.

How I tried living,
Tried fighting.

I tried and now I find myself,
Lost again.


Today’s all been a rough day, started with selfconsciousness, then has spiralled into being sad, lost, empty, lost. I haven’t even been able to find or turn my mind to happier thoughts. Just have been ruminating and sad.

Just sad. Just sad. Alone. Isolated. Unsure where to go, who to turn to, what to do. What to think.

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Clarity

Clarity found,
Place of being, feeling.
A time reminded, by those kind-hearted occasions.


Clarity, feeling better than earlier, not that I was feeling bad but conflicted. I think I’ve resolved it with the help of messaging a friend about stuff not even related to this. I can still walk clearly, freely, happily while still offering all I am able to help, all to try and help. Nothing more that I want to do in life more than to help those I care about.

Feeling much better, cant believe over the last week or two, I remember what started it all, so small and insignificant, but it’s made all life much easier to cope with, has made me happier in everything, looking forward. It was nothing, just a simple FaceBook message but it’s made it all.

Things are still difficult, many times, but it’s much more hopeful, much easier to bounce back. And most of all, much better to keep my mind on track and to steer it if it drifts off course.

This commission I’m a bit anxious about, not really anxious but wondering. I probably won’t get it as the person I spoke to said they’d most likely offer it to someone who’s more disabled by their health, but it’s worth a go and I’m trying. Just waiting to hear back now. It would give me an amazing project over summer to do.

We’ll see. But I still cherish the thing that’s given me so much life, soul, living, above all else. So much so that it’s probably pathetic. But I’m finally happy.

Conflicted

My mind, how it sways,
How it flows and bends,
Conflicted.
My mind,
Trying to find, work itself out.

Hurting,
Thinking,
My mind uncertain.
Questioning.

Caring,
Questioning.
My mind,
Seeing such hurt,
Wanting to help,
Questions, all plaguing my mind.
My mind, a plague on itself.

Trying,
But my mind it clouds,
It clouds all over.

But the confusion persists.
It continues.


Don’t feel bad, just thinking, just conflicted, seeing a friend open up into such pain and yeah. I don’t know. I want to help. In anyway I can. That’s what I do, the thing that’s the best thing to do, to help, to care, to try. Thinking.

Day From Hell

Today’s been just a day from Hell. First was late to work, after great anxiety last night, I got 2 extra hours of sleep than usual and also had a very interrupted night sleep. Just kept waking up every couple of hours, feeling exhausted all day. Kept overthinking and overthinking.

Everything, first looking at reasons why I was late, why I didn’t sleep well, even after a lot more sleep than usual. Then this turned to trying to feel better, but the more and more it turned to a kinda cannibalisation of any good feelings, getting rid of anything good. Just lots and lots of constant self-deprecation for many hours non-stop.

Eventually it turned okay, when I got a really nice message from a friend unexpectedly, reminded me of how I’ve been feeling amazing recently, but again this was cannibalised when I was thinking, maybe happiness is incompatible with me, as my sleeping has been more off with my mood and been late more often recently which I cannot stand in myself.  Constant sparring between happiness and remembering and self-deprecation.

Then work got stressful to the very end, having to stay extra to do a job I haven’t had the time to do, time-sensitive job that only I can do. Everything wasn’t working, was breaking, and even then another thing would grab my attention for not working. Constant stress towards the end. Stayed extra, despite needing this day (having been the only day) in which I can spend a while working on my photography commission focussing on mental health. Application’s due tomorrow at 5pm. Today and tomorrow were the only days this week I could find time to work on it. Also I have an appointment I had to leave for, so both these things had to be pushed later.

After work and emotional stress and self-deprecation all day, I only feel like sleeping or watching tv to unwind. But I can’t, I have this application to do and then this appointment. I really am just tired. This isn’t even to mention the problem I’m thinking, that even if I get more sleep my body’s just tired, just not even hearing my alarm now, for over 40 minutes my alarm rings before I come to, this makes even going to sleep causing me to become anxious, worried, even contemplating the thought of not going to sleep until the weekend, but this is not a good idea.

I just hope tomorrow is better. Need it to be better. Trying to hold onto the good feeling, feeling amazing in the world, the best feeling I’ve ever felt. Trying so hard to keep hold of it, trying so hard. But worried, trying to be happy is a counterpoint to my own functioning somehow. Am I supposed to choose between being happy in life and living life normally functioning in society. Worst still, I just do not know what is wrong, if I don’t know, then I can’t fix. Even while writing this, I know I should be working on my commission, half an hour less time before my appointment and I’ve not looked at the commission. I just need to stop thinking.

Just need to hold on to the cliff edge, the happiness that is my only grasp on being, hoping, living, happiness. I sure hope this day from Hell passes and tomorrow is much better.

Happiest of All Feelings

Happiest of all feelings,
Feeling in place,
Confident,
Resilient to stressors,
A barrier in my mind,
Happiness holding up,
Against all stress that would otherwise crush me,
A prop to keep hold,
To push the demons away,
To see them for what they truly are.

Bringing,
To be with the happiest of feelings,
Feeling at peace in my mind,
Never been such a time,
Confidence, kindness and life.
Being and happy.
Existing and making it,
Feeling the warmth of life,
I had forgotten.

Had been lost and losing,
Giving up and waiting,
Not knowing,
How it being,
What needing.

The best of feelings,
The best of being,
Seeing and feeling.
Breaking apart anxieties,
Bringing forth some more,
But crushing those also.
To show the fears as lies,
The illusions of the demons within my mind.
A clearing of the fog,
Making pure,
Feeling and being,
In whatever is being done,
Not craving a mere distraction,
But being in totality.
Anticipation and looking forward and upwards,
Hoping and claiming such nice changes.

Being in and within the happiest of feelings.

As the landscape, the vista clears.
It all grows and glows warm,
Radiant and clear,
Beautiful life before,
Showing the truth,
One I had stopped seeing.
Stopped being and feeling.

A reminder of living,
By life of being, making, feeling.

Alive after so long,
So long the delusion, the lies trying to believe.
The substitute for nothing.
But now this feeling,
Tries to grow,
To shape and be.
As I try to keep hold,
Feeling anxieties try and grow,
But the feeling,
On my side,
Pushing back, and away.

Feeling in totality of being.
It all coming together.
Confidence to be,
To push the anxiety away,
To try and change,
To be better and make it all myself.


Been feeling amazingly happy last night and all today, even being late for work this morning, was shit, but didn’t get me down like it otherwise would have, lots of small things but I’m just happy and have been since yesterday evening and for the longest consecutive period I think. Feeling amazing and resilient to bad stuff, able to set my mind on the right track to get past the cycling of anxiety, worry, anger and depression.

Feeling amazing without words to describe, wanted to right about it last night but was too tired and wanted to go to bed earlier.

Just feeling so amazing, more than I have In, as long as I really can remember truly. Amazing. Feeling clear. Feeling nice and better within myself, within my own skin, within my own mind. Feeling able and confident to do good by me, to try hard. To do and feel proud.

Freed By The Feeling

Freedom by the feeling,
From it, by it.
Given a chance,
Allowed to see the sun shining,
With it all working out.

Growth, happiness and strength, to try and to be.


It’s been a really good day, work went well, afterwards was gonna meet a friend to do some work but they didn’t reply but I got to go do some photography that I’ve been meaning to do, it was amazing, got shots I like and after did some of the work I had to do anyway with a small meal in a local bar. Was a really nice day, embracing the feeling, crowding out the bad. It’s helped and I’m feeling good. Although really tired and kinda cba to finish the poem.

Sadness of Beauty

The sadness of beauty,
Coming free from life,
As it’s to be seen.
Felt, experienced and lived.
Just being free,
Being trapped in the feeling,
Letting yourself go free.
Free to be.

Oh how it all wells up.
Like a sunset in full bloom,
All the radiant colours,
Beauty to be seen.
Colours lighting up the sky,
Colours letting free,
Freeing me.

Warmth from it all,
Living in the feeling.
Just thinking,
Of being free,
But in the moment it’s all.

Just witnessing the beauty,
As the world lights up,
Showing me the way,
Showing and freeing me.

Beauty from it all,

The colours and feelings,
Varied and happy,
Living and being,
Not letting a step go,
The step, in a journey for me.

To stand tall,
And give it a try.
To show my mark,
Live my life,
In the moment of feeling.

As I try to be.


Thinking, about lots. Myself for example, even work today, started rough but ended well. Lots of stuff. Beauty like in my photography but coming from sadness. Happiness, sadness, pain, and joy all being one and connected and inseparable.

On the bus today, felt suddenly overwhelmed when going to do some photography, an overwhelming sadness from happiness, felt on the verge to tears, but held it all in.

Sadness In Heart

Sadness gripping my heart,
What I cannot deny,
Getting harder,
Harder to ignore.

Can’t turn my mind away,
Can’t ignore all feeling to wait for it to leave,
The plague on my mind,
One that’s so kind but also hurts.

Thinking and thinking,
The worries plaguing my mind,
So many things,
In a state of change,
I have to find a way,
To navigate the confines of my mind.
That plague me with worry and fear,
Questioning every thought, feeling and outcome.

Gripping,
How this deep sadness plagues me so,
To a numbing moment.
Hurting,
aching.
Until I can set my mind to leave.
To see the world-flow.

Drunk to Stop That Feeling

Being, but never truly knowing,
A mind tortured,
Filled with doubt and confusion in place,
Trying to find and understand,
Trying to be.
Holding onto that feeling of happiness and bliss.

As it fades,
I try so hard to keep hold.
To try and be, to find and make.
But that pain runs deep.
But that deep feeling runs, tries and tries to make. To forge from that broken iron.

The broken path,
A path so deep, breaking and devastating.


Feeling really good today, photography, reading, academic reading and motivation, been drinking and feeling happy and sad. For no reason. Well maybe I know the reason. Thinking as I always am. Wanting more alcohol, I can see why people always crave it, a constant good feeling, but also a little sad feeling, why would anyone want this feeling to stop. I don’t know. Know it’s not good. But in the end? The mind determines existence, if you don’t want to be, then it’d be best if you weren’t. Even if the physical body suffers. This was my rationale for spending nearly all my food money on alcohol in first year and a lot of it in my final year of Undergrad. Can’t afford alcohol and cigs but it’s all I want to try and make the hurt and anxiety fade. That amazing feeling, I still feel and see, just worried if it’s a lie. It honestly gets to me and makes me feel on top of the world.

But then I wonder, then I question. Better go out and grab cigs and alcohol. Give it a go.

Feeling In Being

The time has been found,
The time from,
The time in.

An exhilaration,
Willpower to movement,
To and from my motivation,
Being and thinking.
Feelings,
Swirling in a world.
One full of feeling,
In this small moment,
Times, to see a world,
World made whole,
Whole in its simple being,
Complexity in its simplicity, all with being.

Being in fighting to hold on.
To try,
To be.
No matter the pain.
No matter the demons that take hold,
Try to be,
To keep hold of the light burbing bright,
A life to keep being.
A life that tries to break.
But I fight back,
Just need to remember,
To try, be, and live.

Feeling finally alive,
With willpower and strength.

A mixed day as such,
But here it goes,
With my one chance,, of strength.
A time to shine,
To make my own world mine,
To try and, being and pain.


First time in like 2 weeks since I’ve done some photography and like 2 weeks before that.

Again, a friend, thinking of a good friend, can’t wait for them to come back from their Easter holidays and we can hang out.

Also heard back about that photography commission, something I wanna put my all into, I have an idea, what I call Project Empathy, been planning it for months without any idea how to actually do it. It’ll focus on mental health, empathising with people, empathising with, showing and drawing attention to mental health, through drawing on my own experiences. Depression, pain, hurt, confusion, Autism and loneliness and existential angst. All things that even when shown at their most raw in the media they’re always so tame, so clean. It’ll be dark, and I’m worried about the work, worried about producing it and admitting to the ideas, thoughts or compositions. Already have ideas for lies and excuses, as it goes so starkly against the appearance I use to most but not all people who know me.

So so happy, thinking, that my heart honestly feels like it’s melting.