Beauty In The Feeling

In this feeling,
Present in the moment,
A shining light,
Beauty, in the feeling,
The sad and happiness,
Beauty in being, in feeling.
Being swallowed whole,
Its individuality, collective experience,
A world experienced,
World on show,
World felt and getting to know.

An experience,
A memory,
The pain, hurt,
All just to make,
To share, feel and see.

Just to hold on.

As the world shines,
Radiant even when alone,
World as it shines.

Making it whole,
Making its worth.

As it goes,
To feel,
Experience,
A beauty in the feeling.


Writing this, feeling mixed, weird. Been watching a lot of YouTube videos about photography of all types and what I want to get more into. It’s been really weird, totally alone for Christmas, weird, but surprisingly okay, but also weird. Just feels like another day. I know it is only just another day, it’s people and societal constructions that make it ‘special’.

What’s got me amazingly happy, mixed and feeling, thinking, thinking of photography, my photography and philosophy of my photography; to capture a moment, it’s feeling, sight, memory and warmth. Just reminds me, the thing that made this Christmas really good, quite sad haha, the friend I wrote my last poem about, messaged me at like 3am on Christmas Day (time zone difference) and yeah, haha, were the first and probably only person really to wish me a happy Christmas and we chatted for a bit. Haha, feeling a little crazed happy, feeling, feeling and thinking.

Which leads me back to thinking of photography. Just the feeling it can produce. Thinking of my photography trip, seeing people together and some alone, kind people and showing kindness to random people I met, feeling of experience, being, a commonality of experience of humanity while also individuality. As humans, all problems and toils, individual as they may be, somewhat cathartic knowing you’re not the only one going through anything. Something I’ve been trying to help family members understand, somewhat validates and provides some small beauty, comfort, against the pain.

So mixed but happy, and deeply pondering I get distracted when writing. Will spend a while tonight deep in pondering.

The picture is one of my favourites, taken by chance, the person got in the way of the shot I wanted, but makes it infinitely better, and I’m so glad. This is the proof, to the beauty of being, feeling, capturing and also beauty in moments of pain. Even if it never feels like it at the time. Collective experience, being, individuality. But I guess I need to finalise this post or I could write for hours.

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Missing

Missing,
The time, the place,
All that time ago,
So much has changed and gone.

Always good to see,
Missing the time,
As the sun shines,

My eyes to capture the sight,
To live, in the moment, in time.
Here I am,
To see,
Witness.

To ponder,
To strive,
A world better,
All making,
In the making.

In the world so light,
To weather the storms,
To try,
Against the dark storm clouds,
Only to end up past.

To see,
To feel,
To make and be.

And as I recall,
Missing,
I remember,
I see,
And filling,
With joy,
As I remember,
So many times past,
So much fun,
And only onwards,
On into the future.

To make,
To be,
To live.

Better than before,
Stronger and free.
Missing,
But better,
And being.


Has a pondering day, good day of more photography. But, feeling, missing a friend of mine who’s on an amazing trip abroad and always cool when we chat, about our art, about random stuff. Thinking back. Feeling good.

Year of Direction

Invigorated,
From nothing, I have found.
Once lost,
Looking on without a hope.

Knowing on from my past,
A path always lead,
Always known,
But I had lost.
Lots held, just gone.

But sitting, thinking, knowing.
From all it came,
From all made,
With what I known,
With what I held,
Without even knowing.
I have seen.

Now I find from what I hadn’t needed.
Found where to find from lost,
From when I had not lost.

Feeling hopeful,
Found,
Finding from what I always did.
A time when I had lost,
But not realised, what it was I had.

The times, processes.
The world and how it worked.

My mind may be torture,
But it is mine,
It has its benefits,
Ever-pain, but endless drive.
Hurtful pain,
It can be kept.
Left to unfeeling,
Driven past.

To find, to do, to try.
Crossing the fog,
To clear a path.
To make a light.


Been relaxing after a late shift, working, doing some app searching, listening to my podcast of productivity and thinking. Lots of pondering, thinking then pessimistically, then thinking of how far I’ve come. Thinking of the reason for this, my own effort, unrelenting and phenomenal, still with improvement to not obsess over a single task but to follow a couple for different things. Looking at productivity apps, reinvigorated.

For a little while, after Uni, and my goal for research seeming so impossible and far off. Have been just floating, trying to escape, rest, and feeling sad as I kinda gave up on all I had wanted in all but what I merely said to others.

This producivity podcast has given me hope, thoughts, something I never thought I would get into. Making a “yearly theme”. I am thinking, bursting with ideas, plans, even now I should be going to bed but didn’t think I knew the theme, I have thought and also finalised the theme I need.

The podcast is Cortex. Amazing and one of two I compulsively listen to as soon as an episode is released.

It’s my Year of Direction.
– To get productivity apps (of which I already have many)
– To solidify a workflow
– To practice and learn some Spanish each day
– To time track
– To do some photography each day
– To do some academic research each day
– To do some non-research reading each day, non-fiction learning but not research in my own specified areas.

Even Though

Even though,
I try,
I be.
Experiences,
It all occurs.
A holiday.
To truly see.
To appreciate,

It all allows me to see.

Even though,
All the times,
The being,
Living in the time,
It all allows me to see.
To put into perspective,
As I try.
Allows me to try harder,
As I can see.

It all.

It all.
Allows me to see.

Trials,
Trips and ponderings,
As I.
Can be.


Amazing day, amazing chat with an old friend I’ve wanted to see for ages, amazing times and feeling grateful for an amazing boss and all the amazing people at work. Amazing! And excited for a film in the cinema to see! So good!

The World For The Taking

The world,
A world.
Its majesty.

A world anew while also not,
Perspective changing,
Yet all staying the same.
Calling,
Inspiration,
Goals and living,
Living and being,
Being and trying.

Trying to capture,
Capture, the beauty in normalcy,
What I had always missed,
In the busy life lead,
Missed yet for a moment,
To see,
Eyes opened.
To capture.
A philosophy,
One I hold true,
Hold myself to,

A world out there,
And inside,
For the taking, making, sharing.


Out on a photography trip with photographers around my city, I, clearly the newest, but our conversations, creativity, individuality, imagination. Met one at the end who their work’s inspired me, I wrote a comment on their work ages ago and I finally met them, they remembered my comment and said it really meant a lot and I’m glad because their work truly meant a lot to me. So glad. So happy. So happy and truly sound with wanting to get into photography, I was having second guesses and anxieties but tonight’s solidified it for me.

Alive

Alive,
Here in feeling,
In presence,
Moments conversation,
Here I stand.

In existence,
Feeling meaning,
Feeling alive,
Exhilerated, excited,
A warmth I have rarely felt.
A kindness, on my soul,
A sense of care, interest.
Makes me stretch out,
In feeling,
Feeling alive.

In all existence.
Being at peace,
A never-finished process,
But these moments,
Let them not stop,
Let me not stop feeling.
And even without, let me not forget.

To remember, to feel,
To be alive.


Amazing day, did nothing much, but chat to a friend who’s across the globe away and we were chatting for ages, reminded me, and has made today totally amazing!

Small Things

Small things,
Small things in the dark,
Happy, insignificant yet true.
Nice but unexpected.

Wondrous, funny and sweet.
A moment,
A time,
A small occasion.

About those small things,
Easily taken for granted,
Those small things,
That lighten a day.
Those small things,
Always remembered,
From, to on and on.

About those small things,
Those funny times,
Those nice things.

Those.
Really small things.

Light, For The Setting of the Dark

Light,
As it comes,
For the setting of the night,
The darkest skies,
Lit up, before my eyes.

Opened wide,
Radiance and kindness alike.

Remembering,
Feeling,

A beauty of the world.
Through its radiant shine,

Remembering the bright,
It all,
In place,
Flowing into the night.
Mixed thoughts,
Memories kept.
Reminding, remembering.

Never to forget.

As for, the light,
Remembering the times,
With the light flowing, into the night.


Writing this, spent a relaxing night, watching my favourite tv show, The Walking Dead, was an emotional rollercoaster. Now thinking, of a dear friend haha. Also did more photography today, not much, wasn’t good weather, but a little.

Calm

Calm,

In the moment,
The time,
A moment,
Change by little change,
Persective, so ever-present.

Oh how I can then choose to see.

Here I am,
In the brief calm.
In the moment,

Being in the present.
Seeing,
Here I stand,
Hopeful,
Calm,
Seeing, trying, and now I know.

Calm, calm.
Inspired,
In the making,
With creation,
So many posibility.
Gratitude to my friends, Sticking by,
Making life.

In this moment of brief calm.
A good day.
Peaceful rest.
Introspection.
I see. Calm.


Feeling good, calm, spent the day, doing odd jobs, watching educational videos and doing things to better aid my photography. Did no photography as I had planned but it’s okay, did lots I haven’t had time to before. Also needed the relaxing day doing nothing.

Thinking back on hanging out with my friend last night, looking back, my mixed feelings, funny how these things change, where I have no idea why I felt like that, it was a great time, with good friends. Lots of good stuff.

Inspired totally by photography and glad to be getting back into it and wanting to throw myself into it fully, the image is another I’ve taken.

Without Help

Without help,
From a feeling,
One I cannot understand,
Cannot see.

The feeling of not,
Having another in place,
Without cause.

But not knowing,
Being helpless to forces, feelings, external.

Just wondering why,
Why,
Just the feeling,
The time,
Time in contradiction,
To what is seen,
From what is felt,
Experience different, from appraisal.

Oh how is it so confused.
Trying to understand.

Waiting, trying, thinking,
On and on.
Trying to see,
Desperately.


Cannot Help, had a good day, great celebrating my best friend’s birthday with her, shopping for presents for her. Has been awesome, hanging out with friends, celebrating. But for some reason, feeling mixed, not knowing why and hating this very fact. I do not even know why.

Despite how this sounds, not feeling bad, just a little mixed and not knowing why and not wanting to.