Protected: Letter Unopened

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Advertisements

Moment of panic

A moment of panic,
The realisation.
Paralysed,
Vision, gone to a tunnel.
Down a spiral, a moment of fright.
From the realisation that I hoped would not come.

Memory gone to blank.
A moment of panic.
Breathing hard.
Moment blank.
Heart falling heavy.

And on the fall.
On the drop.
Falling for a moment.

Lost and falling.
The moment all-consuming.

Only for but a moment.
A moment. Of panic.


Writing this after a brief but intense moment of panic. My breathing raced, heart beat out of my chest, my vision constricted to a tunnel.

Like opening Pandora’s box and finding unexpected shock. Something to destabilise me.

I have had an amazing day and this one thing threatens to bring be down to a lowest, but I’m fighting back, at least for the day to be over, ended on a happy note.

This thing’s just broken me, but I don’t know if it’s irrational, or not. Enough of this though, only one way to find out where this goes.

So glad this realisation happened on a good day. An absolutely fucking brilliant day. I’m determined to see past it and go on happy. Don’t know about tomorrow.

Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Unfeeling Pain

The unfeeling.
The pain that comes.
“Not good enough”.

The pain that comes,
Always from the meeting,
Bliss amazing,
But shrouded in pain.
Pain from the past.

Pain I wished I could shed.
Hardening myself.
From pain.
From the hurt.

My only response.
Unfeeling in my pain.
To cope.

Trying.
Trying so hard it breaks me.
Hurts me.
Wish I could be better.

The only response I know is unfeeling of the pain.
The unfeeling in the face of great pain.
Pain and wanting to be better.
But constantly hurt.

Only unfeeling in the face of pain.
This unfeeling pain.

Final Goodbye

The memories,
The little moments,
Most casual chats,
All, being nice.
Those little things.

Never seeing how others see you.
I, always wanting to help.
But it kills me inside.

My biggest fear,
Realised, in seeing you again.
But totally worth it.
You are, believe it.
But I must stop.

You’ll never know,
Never see,
How much I want to hang out.
How this question within my mind,
Bringing dread and confusion.
Weighing on my mind constantly.

What I want most,
You to be happy, healthy and moving on to a bright future.
Wishing I could be there,
But knowing, I shouldn’t.
No matter how much I want.

Having to hate you,
To save me from feelings of care.
Ashamed and hurt by this end.
But no other path before me but relentless pain.

I’m sorry.
Like you will never understand.
To my core,
But given tough choices,
A step must be taken.

Having to tear apart the best parts,
Of us hanging out.
Finding the worst,
Holding them, as if they were the only.
Will be for the best.

Me to move past,
You to work on more important things.


Wrote a while ago and found the draft of this, I poem I like and also don’t. It’s complex. Not feeling too down right now, not as much as this shows, but… it’s meaningful and was hurtful when I wrote it. Not the same as it’s published date. Wasn’t sure about publishing it.

Sad Realisation

The feeling,
Dropping through your heart,
Displacing it,
Throwing it out of centre.
Throwing me out of place.

My mind thrown from the ledge I created.
My tower I built,
Crumbling before me.

Throwing me out of place.
My sad realisation.
Dropping through my stomach.
A sadness, claiming worth.
A sadness stating place.
Solidifying its base.

The mind throwing itself into circles,
My mind trapped in a maze.
Sad at falling for the trap of my own creation.
My own believing.
Thrown.
Having to go on.

Blind to my own realisation,
The one hitting me now,
So great.
Striking down the walls of my own thinking.
The foundations eroded.

All to do is to look up into the sky.
Getting absorbed in oblivion, in existence.
The void,
The existence.
A world formed before my eyes.
Taken away, ripped apart.
Before my eyes.

My own trickery,
Coming back to haunt me.
As I suspected it might.
To good for truth.
A time, an illusion.

A sad realisation for me.
My sad realisation.
The uncovering to be expected.
What I was blind to see,
Knowingly or otherwise?
Realisation hitting me.
Throwing me,

Oh this sad realisation.
The moment.
Turning in my mind.

A moment,

The sad realisation.

The Lonely Silence Of The Dark

Lonely silence of the dark,
The dark days gone past,
Those yet to come,

Waiting for those light days, the ones to look forward to.
To hope for,
To live for.

When the darkness of the night is all around,
With silence as the figure lurking in the dark.
The depths of night.
An impenetrable shroud;
Thick, dark, all-consuming.
Suffocating at a touch.

The feeling of life,
The memories returning,
But only for a time.
The deep sadness,
To accompany the lonely silence of the dark.

Out Of Mind

Out of mind,
I hide the feelings,
Scared of where they could take me,
Offered care and kindness.

Trying to keep the pain out of my mind.
To keep in the happiness,
A game of pretend,
To ignore my mind and emotions.
The pain that comes with darkness.
The shining light, that echoes in the darkness.

The mind, clouded with worry, sadness and uncertainty.
Trying to push all feelings out of mind.
Trying to save myself from my demons.

An attempt to hold strong against the dark.
To keep the leeches at bay.
To wipe my mind,
To save the body.

Out of mind is the answer,
Or it must be,
The solution I face,
Only way past it.

Out of mind.
To cope, to save me.

Mistake

Silly mistakes,
Costly ones.
Thoughts and worries,
Rushing through my head.
Unable to think or sleep.
Over what I have done.

My mistake made.
My mistake made.

The worries all-consuming me.
The crazy worries.

Unable to sleep,
For my mistake.

An error made in rush and panic.

Seemingly nothing
But the worry consumes me.

More for what it means.
The wider thoughts,
Its implications.

Lying awake in worry,
Unable to sleep.
The mistake I made.
An error of judgement.

A mistake,
And what it means.
My mistake made.