Trying to Feel Alive, Dying.

Unravelling,
Soul crushing,
Unfeeling with emptiness
Feeling with darkness,
Crushing blow,
A world so faded.
The mind’s eye,
It’s torture.

It’s place,
It’s being,

Trying,
To find a way.

The mind in it’s ever-dark circle.
The flashes,
Life, meaning and the darkness.
A face in the veil,
The shroud of darkness.

The mind’s memory,
It keeps,
Enshrined,
Every mistake, pain and torture.
Lurking behind the cloud.
Just waiting,
Trying,
Piercing.

Blasting music loud,
Into my head,
Trying to drown out,
The thoughts raging, hurting, killing from the inside.

And on into the quiet,
The quiet times,
With the mind, screaming so loud.

Trying to summon rage,
Infinite rage,
To drown out all thoughts,
Before, then I tire out.
Collapsing on the floor.

Mind full of sorrow,
A life empty,
Dying inside,
With each passing day.
Passing. Time.

Wanting, an escape,
But only finding hell,
The confines I find myself.
A destructive sense,
Of emptiness, whole.

Only wanting,
To try,
To be.

Introspective into pain.
Emptiness, whole.

As I try,
The world alight,
Fires swallowing.
Despite, all I’ve tried.

Having to go on,
But quitting inside,
With the moments, as they pass.

The mind ripping itself apart.

The world.
So hard, cold.
As I lie awake.
My mind,
Filling my eyes with tears,
Looking inside,
Feeling,
Dying.
Wanting it to stop.
All of the pain.

Trying and failing.

Empty and hurt in this world so cold,
Constant reminders, pain so great.
Pain with being.
Trying and hurting.

The dying light,
Dying life.

Sick to my stomach,
Hurting all over,
It all reminding. Piercing my soul.
Having tried.
Trying.
Hurting.
Feeling.

The sad song, of life.

Trying.
But broken inside.
The sad songs we hear, live, and feel.

Head fallig below the dark-water-line.
Wanting, hoping for it to stop.
Only wanting to live, and try.
To strive, but tired.

And I stop. Wait. Exist. And think.

Lost in a sea of memories,
Thinking on and on,
Over and over,
And it never stops.

Everytime, every scar, every memory.
Building to a sad whole.
The only answer to forget.
But that. I cannot.
I cannot.

Left existing.

Writing my only escape,
Embracing the pain.
Waiting and hoping,
But. Too tired to hope.

So I exist.

Trying, as I tire out.

Everything fading.

So I exist.

The many times,
Lying awake,
Thinking, hurting.
I remember them all.
Scars etched into my mind.

Breaking me down.
Piece by piece,
They all shatter.
They all shatter.
I shatter.

But I must stop somewhere.

So I exist.


Feeling tortured, always in the mind.

Living in my mind, the thing that comes closest to describing it is the punishment of Prometheus, chained to a rock, to have a giant bird peck and eat his liver, only for it to recover overnight and to happen all over again the next day.

Everything, the mind, thinking, can’t be bothered to do anything, just existing is too much effort.

It’s the mind more than anything, swirling thoughts, no peace, just reliving, unable to ignore or get away from. Just remembering. Hurting. Wanting it to stop. Wanting my mind to stop.

My mind, a prison.
Always,
Not understanding.
Painful.
Horrible.

Autism sucks.
It’s a prison you can never escape from.
Trying, in vain as life passes.

Trying, a world throwing all it has.
It gets too hard.

My life, can be summed up.
By; always trying, always failing.

Everything, misunderstanding, pain, hurt.

With my studies I had a goal, always trying so hard, but always failing. Haven’t had a grade I’ve been pleased with in my whole schooling life.
Moving country even, it was a trial, is a trial, taking a more difficult road. But I tried. I tried.

Not even knowing anymore really.

Everything people say,
Hurting,
Everything I do,
Hurting.
But I tried. All I could do.
And the world reminds, it means nothing.

Looking back on life, memories of all, and it just hurts.

Every moment, memory, shining like a dark star.
Many, leading up to Uni and difficult times to even attend, times during, many, and many times in childhood. And a memory flashes before me. Sitting under my diningroom table, as a kid, must’ve been like 6, hurting, and biting so hard down on my hand till drawing blood. Just to feel. Funny, this, this dying life.

Just want to write, write and write. All the incoherent thoughts. A few hours and I’m still not done. But have to end somewhere.

I’ve gotten so far, and yet, still, nothing.

I really, really, really don’t want to stop writing. It’s the only thing I can right now. But no.

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Path To Be Seen

There It is,
The path that is to be seen,
Amongst the unknown,
I can find.
I can be.

Not knowing my path,
Finding a knowing,
One that sets me free.

Seeing the world,
Seeing its normalcy,
Content,
Being and to be set free.

A path seen,
Amongst its lack of clarity.
The place found.

Finding and set free.
Set free by the casual.

Finding to be.

As the world,
Rings out.
Its confusion,
Trying to find a path,
Make a trek,
Finding,
A path,
To find,
To be,
Me.

Let it all.
Just be.
Letting it ring past.

Amongst the calm night.
It is, let be.
As I, let it be.


It’s been a good day, did a lot of photography, sorted plans for more and plans for doing my own independent research and as one of my lecturers suggested, sending a revised and added-to essay I wrote for them to a journal. Don’t have enough time, but as always I’ll make time. Also my best friend, we chatted a little today, and I’m looking forward to spending their birthday with them!

Just wrote a comment on my favourite photographer nearby’s social media.

My true aim is, to capture beauty in normalcy. Not having to go somewhere exotic or far away, you can find beauty, inspiration and pristine bliss wherever you are. You just have to look. Even if it is hard, you just have to let your mind look.

Hurt From The Kindness

Hurt from the kindness,
Memories from a time,
A time long passed,
So far along now.

The scars always so raw,
For what has been.
And what is to be;
With the causes and ingrediebts for pain,
Beating,
Being true, kind,
Causing pain.

As the mind spirals,
With the body calm,
Always stuck pondering.

Kindness to cause pain.
One so used to,
Expected, foretold and found to be true.

True to the pain,
The pain of being,
Living and seeing.
The pain from seeing.
It play out before it does.
A hurt from kindness.

Only to say,
I knew it would come.
And I go on.
Always knowing.
Coming to the point,
Is it the pain?
Or the knowing that causes the most pain?

Hurting from kindness.
When I give,
Most others,
Even those kindest souls,
Stop.
I carry on.
And seal my pain, my fate.

And as this song, this story,
Plays on.
I go on.
Having given up,
At some level,
I cannot even see.

Never thought,
Kindness could bring such pain.
Such pain.


Spent a lot of time thinking, good day, spent many hours working on photography.

But been thinking about kindness, how it always finds harm, and an image, I’ll attach it below. Saw it weeks ago, but my pondering a of kindness brought it back. The pain. A world of memories from the few seconds of thought.

Especially a friend I’ve been helping out a long time, not lonng ago, only to find, they were using me, and after months and hyping that we could meet, they didn’t bother. Used. Again. But not even surprised.

To be able to tell the future, a ‘gift’ that only causes pain, I know because times like these, I can tell it before it is, and the pain comes,
And I’m not surprised at all.
Getting used to it.
So used to the pain.

Not a positive poem, but I’m not feeling sad, just knowing, thinking. Introspective.

Words To The Feeling

Of it all,
Pondering,
Pain,

A world so real and full of it all,

To feel,
Be,
Validated, without intention,
Making, what was real,
More so,
A burden lifted.

Helped through the time,
To keep,
Defiance by my name.

To hold truth,
To rage and be,
To understand and feel,
Allow the pain to be real,
To heal over,
Make true.

To be.

To allow,
To heal,
Defiantly,
To rage into the pain of life.
To remember the strife,
Caused.
Broke me,
To allow me to see.

Thank you,
With all my gratitude.

Bringing forth a flame to burn bright.
Letting me see, see and see again.

There are none.
No words to express.
Words to the feeling.


Hung out with my best friend I haven’t seen in ages. They apologised for not being able to meet up, not making time. Truth is I avoided it. Needed to sort stuff out. Finally got to see them and feeling a world better.

One thing I said, they thanked me, for putting the words to the feeling, something they didn’t know how to put. And hearing that lit me up inside. Happy to help, understand and be understood. Helped to validate pain I felt without seeking, needing or wanting it.

Amazing day, work was hectic but got stuff done, felt a bit bad at work, just my mind, always trying my best and never being good enough as I want, even if others don’t think that. I do, always wanting to be better. Then seeing my friend was amazing in the silliest and mundane things but was amazing. Seeing another friend in the evening.

Feeling good and things are lifting up.

One Step At A Time

One step at a time,
One step into and through place.

Thinking,
Grateful,
And making it.

Taking it all one step,
Step by step,
At a time.

Trying,
Feeling,
Being.

Trying,
To be,
Trying to be.
All the while.

Trying, trying.
Trying to be my best.

Trying into the calling into the night.

Knowing,
And trying through the darkness,
To be in place,
To find my time.

Trying to be.
One step at a time.

Trying, writing, speaking.
Out in the world.

Letting the world speak softly,
Whispers of pain,
Memories of torture,
It’s all the same.
In my step by step.

As the world speaks,
I trying,
Facing it all.

A tear,
Shed because I am tired.
But once again,
Step by step down this road I tread,

Making this path,
Trying,
To be,
Despite the pain of the past.

Taking this path.
One step at a time.


First day I haven’t been going out in like a week. Finally can write. Has been really stressful and the last couple of days really good. Today’s been good. Happy with friends I work with, happy and needed this time, a lot of times with friends and drinking.

I’ve needed this. After an especially rough time.

Been a good day, relaxed, and now pondering of life, pain, times.

Sadness

Restless and exhausted,
Tired of it all,
Wanting to give up,
To rest.

Hurt by humanity too many last times.

Sadness,
Another time hurt,
By humanity lies.

The broken pieces sing their sad song,
Sad songs,
Too many times broken,
The pieces have no fit.

The world, no reason.
Sadness grasps,
Life, a poison running through my veins.

Until it stops.


Day started shit, gotten a little better. Maybe even good. But this goodness, always reminds me, a mere ignorance of all the shit. What I always learn to ignore and it bites me.

Only good thing that happened today really was seeing a lecturer who encouraged me to add to and update an essay I wrote for them and to send it to a journal.

Against The River Flow

Against the river flow,
Sad to see,
Sad to hear,
Sad to feel.

Sad to know,
Solitude in my drift,
Alone,
Against the river flow,
Going for kindness,
Consideration,
To be there for others,
And I do it alone.

Walk the path,
A lonely drift,
A twig, alone,
Going against the river flow.

Drifting,
Seeing all flow past,
Walking down this path.

Current always pushing against.
Against me in this river’s flow.
Knowing I’m always alone.


Writing this about kindness, consideration. As I look back, seeing the path walked, always being used, an easy for others to get comfort. Always trying to help. I get used and left.

A path I walk, and know I walk it alone. Only to be used when needed, and left alone. Hating yet I continue to walk as life tears, and walk it alone.

Let the Beauty Cut Deep

Beauty, in the cut,
Running so deep,
Dripping in its time,
Rage and happiness through pain, Raging in life through the difference,
Beautiful, pain,
rage and happiness.

Pain and raging,
Happy in defiance,
Pain in it all,
Rage to extinguish,
All other pain,
And to smile.

Life so bloody,
My life laid to bare,
Beautiful in rageing pain,
Existing beautiful rage.
Complete pain.
To tear so deep.
Yes this is me.
To replicate my feelings,
Anger, hurt and pain,
To rip, cut and tear.

To pry from bone,
Rip my mind,
Tear at life.

Beauty of the pain,
coming and coming,
Always coming and expected.
Only to tear and enjoy the pain.

To rage and hurt.
To feel and keel over,
Smiling as I,
Fall bloody on the fall,
Hahaha as it all goes on.

Ripping all I can to forget the pain.
To forget the pain.
And enjoy,
Inflicting what I’ve stopped from others.

Pain suits me,
Hell suits me,
Pain of it all,
Let hell rage and flow over,
Letting the pain take over,
Letting the pain, rage through,
Letting the overflow.

Rage at what is known,
Letting what is known,
Rage through,
Fires bright.

Conversations of the past,
You know nothing of pain,
Poison of breathing,
Rage and death in feeling.
Breaths of killing,
Pain and death in living.

Fuck all this shit.

All of it,
Let it rage while I die.

All the shit comes,
Knowing from a mile away,
Knowing.
Humanity’s shit,
Its stench,
Its living, a hell it does not know.

Dying inside from the stench,
Living as in the horrific,
The humanity,
Raging in my own death.

Death of living.

Beauty of the pain cutting deep.

Let it all,
Rot in hell,

Raging against the decay,
What others, call life.

Hateful of being,
What others inflict,
Calling living.

Lies of humanity’s living.

Of being,
The lies and horrific needed for living,
Being and festering.

To rage and show I exist,
To let know.
To just let know.

Beauty found in pain.
Pain of the lies
Told just so,
Pain bringing forth the rage,
Rage to being,

To living as dying,
Beauty within,
Rage for the beauty of pain.

Can’t Give In

Can’t give in,
Can’t give up.

Giving up hope,
In humanity,
No matter what it shows,
Pain and life,
Of all that is inside.

Can’t give in, give up,
On human feeling,
Human being.

Feeling the world,
Running, through the skin so deep,
As it is,
Running,
Through feeling,
Being.

Remembering that human feeling,
And holding on.
Holding tight.

Letting the rains above,
As the drops hit my skin,
Rain down,
In feeling,

As all,
Leaves past,
Uncaring,
Letting the fade,
Consume,
I,
To make amends,
For the darkness letting take hold.


Amazon night out with friends, thinking, talked to a homeless guy for a bit. Thinking.

Still There

Still there,
A reminder of those times,
A time of life,
Remembering those memories,
As the feelings of euphoria have faded into time,
Fades but remembering the bliss,
In such a silly, casual moment,

Memories,
Even from afar,
Small moments,
Of abnormal normalcy,
Sweet,
Reminders,
Message goodnight,
Up late chatting,
Remembered in the time.

Hoping for the best,
A time of life,
Times being,
Yet not pretending,
Even with nervousness.

The beauty of the landscape,
The night sky before me.
As the day comes yet again.

The pull of beauty in the landscape,
A reminder,
Finding,
Losing oneself in it all.

In it all,
Worth another step,
The journey on.

Still there,
In those memories and reminders,
A future brighter,
Casual normalcy,

Moments lost,
In a new place,
Brought to,
By beauty,
And the time.
Of all those times,
The moments.

Uplifting and life-bringing.
Letting me be,

In casual normality,
I write, I capture,
Content.