Walking Away From Pain

Watching, walking,
Walking away from pain,
Looking at what is horrible in people,
Seeing, despite how hard I try.
Sometimes people are just horrible.

A hard fact to swallow,
As I hope for,
What I cannot see.
A pained song,
I listen to and watch.
See their pain,
I tried,
When noone else did.
To help,
To try to see, help,
But now I walk away.
Uncaring.

It’s one of those things,
When the hurt, hurt.
A lack of care,
Kindness,
In all those times.

Something I never wanted to do,
To walk from another’s pain.
A lesson to learn, and learn again.
People being horrible,
Some have a call, a call for help.
But no matter the try.
Some have taken this hurt,
As their mantle, as their creed,
As their infliction.

For some,
The need to walk away,
To turn a blind eye to suffering,
Trying, had tried,
Wasted my time trying to help.
Believing in goodness, kindness,
Only to see it absent.
Something I didn’t want to believe.

I,
Trying in place,
Having to own,
The failure to help,
A failure through the trying.

Riping.
Your self from self,
To fill,
Yourself, witj anger and pain.
To watch it all burn.

Knowing,
You’ve tried.
All you could.
As you turn away,
Watching it burn from behind.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them wallow,
Knowing you tried,
But were pushed away,
While asked not to go.

Pain is yours,
And yours to keep.
No more will I try,
No more will I vicariously pain,
Trying to help.

The hardest choice to make.
To leave another,
To the fires, flames and pain.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them, get consumed by flames.
As I walk, turn, Knowing I tried.
A choice I’ve fought at every turn,
But now must give in.


Thinking, angry, been an alright day, mixed, but thinking of humanity, how it’s so horrid, hurtful. Thinking of a recent hurtful person. Also of how everyone thinks, how is everyone often so content with leaving another? Letting them to pain. General gossip I hear, reminds me of this all the time. But I kind of get it now. Myself having to realise that some people are just horrid with no way around it.

A hard thought to process as, there’s no benefit to being hurtful, being a dickhead. But. I shouldn’t feel bad for leaving those kinds of people, to wallow in pain, the depths of their hell.

Just thinking of all those nights, staying up, even before work early just to make sure my friend was okay, chatting, letting them vent, trying to help, trying to be kind. And then yeah, kindness offered in life is rarely returned.

So I shouldn’t feel bad, angry maybe, but not sad for leaving them to pain. Not hurt, for wanting to help, not gonna hurt just to help. People don’t care and don’t deserve the same. Some people just need to be left to rip their own world apart. I give up trying to help.

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Finding The Way

Finding the way,
The little path to go,
In the middle of the night,

A way to go,
A place to find,
Bit by bit,
Piece by piece.

Of the time,
In the present,
Calm and at peace,
Just being.

Just to find,
To make way,
To try,
So hard to just try.

In the moment,
Fleeting as it passes.
To find.

To be,
In the, in this moment.
To be okay and calm.
Even as looking back into the storm.

To find a place in being,
Uncertainty, still present.
But okay as I go on.


The last few days at work have been okay, hectic but calmer. Been doing photography everyday after work. Has been good. Went to a social for a group I found on Facebook, for photography. It was good, very nervous at first, and the youngest person there after me was 15 years older, felt a little out of place, but also not. It was good.

Feeling calmer. The emptiness I talked about before, still there, normal, but when better, it’s easier to ignore. To live in the moment. Looking forward to my best friend’s birthday.

Stuff is going okay, just okay and at peace.

Memories From The Present

Memories from the present,
Reminders of a past,
So alien,
So full of demons,
Me.

As the times flow past.
Bringing perspective,
Sadness,
Being.

Times stuck.
For others,
As I find myself,
Chained.

Anger, sadness, pain, memories.
Wanting to push away.
So I,
Can slip away unknowingly.
Just to be.
To make what I want.

Having knowingly erased,
Most of my past,
My childhood.
Always remember,
But suppress,
Hide from view,
For myself and others.
The time erased.
The time I have burned from view.

Living in the moment,
With the reminders,
The scars, fresh and old.

Fragile flesh,
Tree rings,
Marking the times,
For the living.
All that’s come and to bring.

All the scars from wars fought,
Wars of the world and mind,
Scars from the battlefield called life.


Spent just under 12 hours asleep. Was kinda peaceful, spent a lot of time not thinking, unconscious. Nightmares concerning work, but only a bit, luckily once asleep, even nightmares seem disjointed and not connected to reality and hence they’re easier to cope with. It’s just the nightmare, and not a long list of memories.

When I finally left the house, just for a cig after a stressful week, a song came on, one I haven’t heard in a while. Reminded me of some times in secondary school, half my lifetime in the past, reminding me, being cheeked, always the unceasing memories. But they weren’t too bad. So far in the past. But always clear, I could take a boat home and go straight to that room even now, half a lifetime in my past.

Feeling calmer, empty but calmer. I probably needed this despite wishing I had done some photography but had no motivation today. Hopefully after a week of 6ams I can do some everyday, hoping the week can get better, even one good day seems like quite the ask so far.

But we’ll see.

Thinking of how far I’ve come, much further than I thought. Much further. Also reminds me of depression in secondary school and my promise to myself that I wouldn’t make it to my 23rd birthday. I can’t believe I’ve made it to 20, not by choice but yeah. We’ll see. Oh well.

Reminds me of my promise to my best friend, that they don’t have to worry about me, I’m existing, not by choice, but unfortunately just stuck, so everyone doesn’t have to worry, apart from me, stuck in existence, but not by choice. But yeah.

Awake for 40 mins and now probably time to go to bed again for work.

Sleeping The Day Away

Sleeping the day away,
A shelter, from thought, worry, anxiety.

From the trying comes my failure,
Worry, of failing others.

Broken, in time.

Have people lied so long?
And the truth is coming out now?

Is this state the truth?

Leaving me hollow, empty.

Seeing the signs,
My mind worsening.
A tumor growing,
A tumor of being.

Not knowing what to do.
I tried, I try.
So hard.

The brain, warping, rupturing.
Breaking down anything before it.

Wanting to cry it out.
But feeling so empty.
Empty as I look before,
Seeing my failures splayed.

Trying to find the strength,
To get through,
To make well,
To go out,
To free myself with passion, enthusiasm.

But I tire,
As the overthinking crushes every feeling,
Every inclination.
Feeling failure.

As I think, trying to will myself to betterment.
I tire.
Trying all.

Wanting to do my best,
To help,
To be kind.

As you pass and see the world’s beauty.
Don’t even feel like looking.
Given up on seeing.

A sad set of affairs,
Watching myself fall and fall.
Just watching, seeing the breaking apart. Helpless.

Only trying,
And everything people’s said,
Plays over and over.
A write-off for the day, as my trying ends in failure.


A stressful shift. Can’t help but think I did everything wrong. Always. What’s worst. Is me. Asbergers if I have it, is always thinking, playing all the worst moments over and over in my head, unceasingly. Making me feel sick and tired. Not sleepy but tired.

Was looking forward to doing some photography today after shift. But don’t feel like it. Just feel like sleeping the day away, so I cannot do anything else wrong. I did all I could, all I thought right. But at least, when unconscious I won’t think.

It started well, really well, but ended stressful and shit.

Again, what’s worst, it’s not like anyone said I did a shit job, maybe it was thought by them, maybe it wasn’t. But I can’t help but think and think. Till I feel like retching. Not even sure. But I tried. I always try.

Today is a write-off.

Hoping to heal, but yet another blow.

Can’t even think. I tried.

After recent stuff, really didn’t think this day could end so bad.
Hooing I could be on the mend.
But instead I feel myself slipping down in more ways than one.
Giving me worries for any future.

How is everything going so bad? Is it even? Or a fault in my brain?

Probably didn’t help that I didn’t take a break, but I didn’t have time, and would have preferred to not take one and try make better.

I don’t even feel like eating. I just want to sleep.

Didn’t think this year could go so bad. I have less stress paying for a Masters, more time to relax and do what I want, less stress with exams and more time. More time just to try my best just with work, to do good work, to help. To do good work.

Just losing everything. Hard. I just cannot escape my body or my mind. Trapped. Everything, especially me, just breaking me apart.

I really wanted to move away from home and now, I am losing myself, every reason I had, just unfeeling. I don’t have a desire to move back, but losing everything I wanted. So left with nothing. As I try.

Path To Be Seen

There It is,
The path that is to be seen,
Amongst the unknown,
I can find.
I can be.

Not knowing my path,
Finding a knowing,
One that sets me free.

Seeing the world,
Seeing its normalcy,
Content,
Being and to be set free.

A path seen,
Amongst its lack of clarity.
The place found.

Finding and set free.
Set free by the casual.

Finding to be.

As the world,
Rings out.
Its confusion,
Trying to find a path,
Make a trek,
Finding,
A path,
To find,
To be,
Me.

Let it all.
Just be.
Letting it ring past.

Amongst the calm night.
It is, let be.
As I, let it be.


It’s been a good day, did a lot of photography, sorted plans for more and plans for doing my own independent research and as one of my lecturers suggested, sending a revised and added-to essay I wrote for them to a journal. Don’t have enough time, but as always I’ll make time. Also my best friend, we chatted a little today, and I’m looking forward to spending their birthday with them!

Just wrote a comment on my favourite photographer nearby’s social media.

My true aim is, to capture beauty in normalcy. Not having to go somewhere exotic or far away, you can find beauty, inspiration and pristine bliss wherever you are. You just have to look. Even if it is hard, you just have to let your mind look.

Words To The Feeling

Of it all,
Pondering,
Pain,

A world so real and full of it all,

To feel,
Be,
Validated, without intention,
Making, what was real,
More so,
A burden lifted.

Helped through the time,
To keep,
Defiance by my name.

To hold truth,
To rage and be,
To understand and feel,
Allow the pain to be real,
To heal over,
Make true.

To be.

To allow,
To heal,
Defiantly,
To rage into the pain of life.
To remember the strife,
Caused.
Broke me,
To allow me to see.

Thank you,
With all my gratitude.

Bringing forth a flame to burn bright.
Letting me see, see and see again.

There are none.
No words to express.
Words to the feeling.


Hung out with my best friend I haven’t seen in ages. They apologised for not being able to meet up, not making time. Truth is I avoided it. Needed to sort stuff out. Finally got to see them and feeling a world better.

One thing I said, they thanked me, for putting the words to the feeling, something they didn’t know how to put. And hearing that lit me up inside. Happy to help, understand and be understood. Helped to validate pain I felt without seeking, needing or wanting it.

Amazing day, work was hectic but got stuff done, felt a bit bad at work, just my mind, always trying my best and never being good enough as I want, even if others don’t think that. I do, always wanting to be better. Then seeing my friend was amazing in the silliest and mundane things but was amazing. Seeing another friend in the evening.

Feeling good and things are lifting up.

One Step At A Time

One step at a time,
One step into and through place.

Thinking,
Grateful,
And making it.

Taking it all one step,
Step by step,
At a time.

Trying,
Feeling,
Being.

Trying,
To be,
Trying to be.
All the while.

Trying, trying.
Trying to be my best.

Trying into the calling into the night.

Knowing,
And trying through the darkness,
To be in place,
To find my time.

Trying to be.
One step at a time.

Trying, writing, speaking.
Out in the world.

Letting the world speak softly,
Whispers of pain,
Memories of torture,
It’s all the same.
In my step by step.

As the world speaks,
I trying,
Facing it all.

A tear,
Shed because I am tired.
But once again,
Step by step down this road I tread,

Making this path,
Trying,
To be,
Despite the pain of the past.

Taking this path.
One step at a time.


First day I haven’t been going out in like a week. Finally can write. Has been really stressful and the last couple of days really good. Today’s been good. Happy with friends I work with, happy and needed this time, a lot of times with friends and drinking.

I’ve needed this. After an especially rough time.

Been a good day, relaxed, and now pondering of life, pain, times.

Let the Beauty Cut Deep

Beauty, in the cut,
Running so deep,
Dripping in its time,
Rage and happiness through pain, Raging in life through the difference,
Beautiful, pain,
rage and happiness.

Pain and raging,
Happy in defiance,
Pain in it all,
Rage to extinguish,
All other pain,
And to smile.

Life so bloody,
My life laid to bare,
Beautiful in rageing pain,
Existing beautiful rage.
Complete pain.
To tear so deep.
Yes this is me.
To replicate my feelings,
Anger, hurt and pain,
To rip, cut and tear.

To pry from bone,
Rip my mind,
Tear at life.

Beauty of the pain,
coming and coming,
Always coming and expected.
Only to tear and enjoy the pain.

To rage and hurt.
To feel and keel over,
Smiling as I,
Fall bloody on the fall,
Hahaha as it all goes on.

Ripping all I can to forget the pain.
To forget the pain.
And enjoy,
Inflicting what I’ve stopped from others.

Pain suits me,
Hell suits me,
Pain of it all,
Let hell rage and flow over,
Letting the pain take over,
Letting the pain, rage through,
Letting the overflow.

Rage at what is known,
Letting what is known,
Rage through,
Fires bright.

Conversations of the past,
You know nothing of pain,
Poison of breathing,
Rage and death in feeling.
Breaths of killing,
Pain and death in living.

Fuck all this shit.

All of it,
Let it rage while I die.

All the shit comes,
Knowing from a mile away,
Knowing.
Humanity’s shit,
Its stench,
Its living, a hell it does not know.

Dying inside from the stench,
Living as in the horrific,
The humanity,
Raging in my own death.

Death of living.

Beauty of the pain cutting deep.

Let it all,
Rot in hell,

Raging against the decay,
What others, call life.

Hateful of being,
What others inflict,
Calling living.

Lies of humanity’s living.

Of being,
The lies and horrific needed for living,
Being and festering.

To rage and show I exist,
To let know.
To just let know.

Beauty found in pain.
Pain of the lies
Told just so,
Pain bringing forth the rage,
Rage to being,

To living as dying,
Beauty within,
Rage for the beauty of pain.

Can’t Give In

Can’t give in,
Can’t give up.

Giving up hope,
In humanity,
No matter what it shows,
Pain and life,
Of all that is inside.

Can’t give in, give up,
On human feeling,
Human being.

Feeling the world,
Running, through the skin so deep,
As it is,
Running,
Through feeling,
Being.

Remembering that human feeling,
And holding on.
Holding tight.

Letting the rains above,
As the drops hit my skin,
Rain down,
In feeling,

As all,
Leaves past,
Uncaring,
Letting the fade,
Consume,
I,
To make amends,
For the darkness letting take hold.


Amazon night out with friends, thinking, talked to a homeless guy for a bit. Thinking.

Still There

Still there,
A reminder of those times,
A time of life,
Remembering those memories,
As the feelings of euphoria have faded into time,
Fades but remembering the bliss,
In such a silly, casual moment,

Memories,
Even from afar,
Small moments,
Of abnormal normalcy,
Sweet,
Reminders,
Message goodnight,
Up late chatting,
Remembered in the time.

Hoping for the best,
A time of life,
Times being,
Yet not pretending,
Even with nervousness.

The beauty of the landscape,
The night sky before me.
As the day comes yet again.

The pull of beauty in the landscape,
A reminder,
Finding,
Losing oneself in it all.

In it all,
Worth another step,
The journey on.

Still there,
In those memories and reminders,
A future brighter,
Casual normalcy,

Moments lost,
In a new place,
Brought to,
By beauty,
And the time.
Of all those times,
The moments.

Uplifting and life-bringing.
Letting me be,

In casual normality,
I write, I capture,
Content.