The path once tread,
A path forking before me,
Being pushed to decision,
A choice, mine, but also not.
Forced to take a path,
With pain either side.
Itself, shows me promise but pain on one,
Next to a barren path, of lifeless functionality.
Both paths, also behind me, chosen in a network behind me.
How I come to the forked road again,
Having already walked,
Known how both turn out,
Left with different ways,
But one gives me reason, but also pain.
But whichever path I’m on,
The other’s more appealing.
Despite rationalising each and how they go.
Know what’s good for me, also isn’t,
But is better than the other.
Still this question flows through my mind.
Waiting for the next time,
Only on this current path.
A single step shutting it all down,
A single step,
From the best and worst feelings, to the painless, but also all-lacking.
A path once tread,
Still, stuck with a choice,
An impossible choice.
Choice, of a path once tread.
Thinking, very deep-in-thought. People often try to give me advice, but it always comes back a singular aspect, a lack of understanding. A piece of advice given, consistently, may work for others, but is one thing that always takes everything of meaning from me. Leaves me with nothing. A path once tread, more than once, I’ve walked many times.
The past times that I have followed, thinking it would help, always has left me empty, dead in mind but not in actuality. Only serves to remind me, how no one understands, can understand.
People see me as crazy, loony, often hurting myself. There is a difference, this is normal, but hurt can be coped with if being meaningful. The advice people give, often, takes one pain away, by taking away the meaning and making everything into a weird state of not caring about anything, being robotic and functioning alive as a human but not wanting to.
Leaves me to a choice I have taken, thought about many times. To take a path that may hurt, but gives me a reason to keep fighting, or to take a path without the pain of the aforementioned but only by taking everything of meaning.
A life of emptiness is never better than a life of pain, if the latter comes with meaning and a strive to better.
I’m writing this, knowing how the path has always turned out, but being somewhat compelled to take the path, to leave myself with emptiness. Emptiness of everything. Happenings of today.
I do not know. My tonight’s going to be filled with pondering.
I know the outcome, as always, but the choice has to be made, not making a choice is a choice.
Feeling a little better writing this, and writing tonnes on my MoodTrack. Better, but still lacking a solution, an answer. Just happier, thinking of my best friend, the best human I know. And something they said to me, have done quite a few times, explaining stuff, helping, but never solving, much like the path I’m on even wanting the empty one sometimes. She said ‘You just see things differently’.
Will still need a lot of time tonight to think, but yeah.