To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.

Awake I Lie

Awake I lie,

Thoughts racing,

Trouble brewing.

The uncertain future.

Perseverance to clear a path,

Draining my life through this troubled storm.

The turbulent seas,

Uncertain paths without any horizon.

Chatting a path through the darkness.

Left without a heading.

Attempt after attempt.

Storms keep bashing my direction into darkness.

Awake a lie,

Thinking of the troubles to come,

Looking for a heading.

Looking for an option.

For a way out.

All direction and certainty lost to the depths.

Lost to the darkness,

The horizon unseen.

Awake I lie,

Pondering these questions,

Without direction.

Without heading.

Looking into the darkness and uncertainty.

Taking a step at a time.

Without heading, without knowing.

Hoping, persevering, to find my way.

To find a path.

All, as I lie awake.

The Path

The path, journey,

The ups and downs,

And on it goes, through this path,

A on-going gradual path,

Into the sunlight,

Into night.

Into life.

The path walked,

Many times, and never simultaneously.

The times shared, the sun felt.

The sound of the guitar in the backdrop.

The sun setting on the horizon,

To be followed by night, then day.

The ongoing times, of sun and bright feelings.

The need to remember, the need to hold on.

An emotional rollercoaster,

Of ecstasy and emptiness.

The times gone through.

The experiences felt.

The sun shining down on the ground.

On the warm face,

The light.

The happiness and sadness.

Both at one.

Together in feeling.

Both making us human.

This is the ongoing path.

The confusion and doubt, with the aftertaste of faith.

The need for meaning,

The meaning behind being.

The grace of living, loving, being and making use of the finite time.

The time to be spent,

Loved,

Lived.

That path taken. That path of life.

The path we all walk.

The path.
Written reflecting on the book ‘Stoner’ by John Williams

Pit Of Despair

Left in my pit of despair,

My home away from home.

The place I can call my own.

The prison of my mind.

The rushed desperation.

The hurt and hatred.

Irrational feelings and pain.

The rage and hurt.

This pit I find myself.

The rage and my despair,

The rushing pain.

Throwing me from comfort.

Down into pain and hurt.

Left alone, choking, in my pit of despair. 

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

The Lies They Tell

The lies they tell,

Those supposed friends,

Who shackle you to the knife,

Who throw you down, into the lies,

The bed of knives and suffering.

In your name, to spare you pain.

While exacerbating the problem to titanic proponents.

The lies they tell to misguide, trick, hurt, misdirect.

True friends are such. To cause pain.

A horrible truth, better than many amazing lies.

One is living the truth, the other a mirage that needs shedding.

The lies your ‘friends’ tell,

The pain they unknowingly cause,

Even when asked to spare me.

They hold the knife to my throat.

With the lies they tell.

Torturous Thoughts

The sudden piercing pain,

Unsure,

Rapid thinking,

Worried paranoia,

Confused outlook.

Brain racing that thoughts can’t keep up.

Running and hiding, isn’t an option from the mind.

Seeking distraction from those torturous thoughts,

That consume you,

Hurt you,

Possess you,

Keep you.

Trap you.

Be you.

To find an escape, an outlet.

Find a safe place to run, hide, be free,

Even if but for a moment.

A moment, free…

Of these torturous thoughts.

Guardian

I’ll always be there,

Even if we stop talking,

Will always keep an eye out.

I’ll always catch you when you fall,

Pick you up when down,

Listen when you need to talk

Advise when you need another opinion.

 

No matter who you leave me for,

No matter how much you hurt me,

No matter how much you don’t care.

I will be there.

A guardian,

Always looking out for you,

My little Fox.

To you, friend who scars me.

Just another infrequent blog post for my own therapy. To talk, to explain, to get things out.

To you friend, we have hung out a lot recently, we have laughed, smiled, joked and flirted. But even despite this, there is an undercurrent, a reminder deep down of how you hurt me, scared me.

Scarred me irreparably, I loved you, you threw me away, I cared, you used me.

The closer we get, the more I care, and the more I am scared of how you can rip me apart again.

No matter mine or your feelings, I am haunted by the scars once inflicted.

Scared of the reality coming before me.

I care, more than I can think or explain. Just as I hoped you did before. You didn’t.

You did to me, what I wouldn’t wish upon any person, alive or dead.

It’s hard to explain, in words, in my head, to even try and quantify, but I shall try:

A list of criticism piercing your soul, with critiques of you for being you, the core elements of your being, made to feel worthless, useless, with no meaning or value. A person who’s very ‘positive’ qualities are all unequivocal faults to the highest degree. Worst of all is being left, with nothing. Believing what you heard. Because you trust that person, maybe not with your life. But I clearly did. As I was so close to taking it at this point.

I do not think for a second you meant to do this. I know you have other issues, and I know what you do and did care about me.

But the scars were inflicted. Shouting a person’s faults at them. That cannot help anything