Mental health journey.

Just a post, been listening to a YouTuber over the last couple of days I like and relate to, they had a video about their eating disorder and made a song to cope with it. I’ve wanted to for a little while make photo compositions with a messages about mental health.

Listening to the YouTuber’s song over and over has given me a sudden realisation, financial struggles in my first year, actually brought about an eating disorder. I have never thought about it. I always thought about it only being about control but control of physical appearance, I’m a little self conscious, but gradually I’ve numbed my mind to this. But the lack of financial control, and my continued (although not starving now, but probably eating far less than I should, even today) ideas about financial stablility and anxieties can contribute to a similar feeling of a lack of control.

In first year it was terrible, I don’t even know how it started, I was really poor, transitioned for weeks and weeks without break eating only tinned food, then trying to cut costs changing to cheese, butter and pasta and then just to butter and pasta.

It’s hard to explain, thought processes that still occur in my head, ideas like in my first year where “oh, I am eating butter and pasta, do I need butter?”.

Then I started starving myself, started off to save money I barely had. I didn’t have. And what I did have was financial help from parents which I appreciated but felt a burden (despite knowing they’d rather I be okay but yeah, never will tell them).

I guess trying to take control of the situation, even thinking now, it sounds a nice idea, but yeah, not a good one. But then it morphed further into wanting more control, not only the financial but trying to push the number of “days without eating” greater and greater. Like the feeling with video games wanting to get a higher “score”. I wanted to push the limits of my body. To show my body that my mind has control. The YouTube video addresses this and finally it has hit me. Something I never thought.

Not going to lie, have had urges to try and go back. I lost 10kg when I went home for Christmas after a couple months of this at most, and my family were worried about my weight loss. Even to this day looking at the memories, I saw I lost weight which I liked. I was and am still glad. But I didn’t see myself looking as “thin” as my family said.

It got so bad once in first year, where I was getting up in a lecture after sitting, and I immediately sad down, feeling faint, dizzy and out of breath. I recognised then it wasn’t sustainable but didn’t have financial control and couldn’t.

Did I “get over this”? Truthfully, probably not. If circumstances with getting a job I would almost definitely have continued this. Even now my mind can put itself back, I can hear my mind saying “and if I did I would show my body how I could go further”.

Conflicting, how the mind can see something wrong but also see it as right and okay.

Reminds me of something I can’t explain.

Always kinda known I had Autism, but ignored and tried not to think of it between like 7 and 22 because it “wasn’t curable” (my mind at 7).

Anxiety, someone described behaviour I explained as anxiety and I had never thought of it as such. I always thought the feelings of it were (as described to me) as death, like a heart attack (not how I feel it). So I thought my thoughts were normal. Although thinking now, clearly they were not. Like a mind, brain, eyes, all running at 300 miles per hour, focussing on everything instantly all in a moment but not able to do anything as anything takes more time than the instant. My mind raging, thinking, swearing and hating. I probably should have seen this as not normal.

Eating disorder, I didn’t see it as normal, but something I had to do. Easier because of less parental presence when I moved to Uni. I never thought of it as a disorder, probably for the same reason, it is a disorder but a choice to regain control. To show my body my brain was in control. Even until now I have always thought of it as a choice, I even now find it hard to think of it as even potentially an eating disorder as it wasn’t really about my weight (even if weight loss, even as I see it now) was a bonus.

Even thinking, the financial stress was higher again (nowhere near as bad) in my 3rd year also stress with post-Uni life and decisions and workloads and my own unhealthy obsession with forcing myself to work harder and harder. All got me to try to starve myself again, luckily for me I never made it past 4 days consecutively a couple times over a month. It is not a nice feeling, the hunger, but it gets easier to ignore. But it is somewhat addictive the feeling of control. I finally understand things from a new light I have never seen them.

Just ruminating.

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Withdrawn

Withdrawn,
The mind, tired of hiding behind ignorance.
Only to see,
Only to embrace,
What is never to be seen.

Horrors of the past laid out bare.
A collection. Thinking.
And I think.

Down a dark corridor,
No light to be seen.
Thought to be new,
Until I realise,
This is how,
It’s always been,
But not wanted to be.
So I chose not to see.

To turn my eye.

And try to try.

And I see it all.
Laid out.
No matter.
How I try.

Thinking.
Wondering.

A path,
I tried not to see.

Bit worried, saw my best friend after ages, felt a little out of it. Been pondering recent anxieties. It was awesome and I loved it. Can’t help wondering if I upset them. They probably would never tell me if I did. But I do.

Thinking of experience, paths, future. Thinking.

Just so tired

Just so tired,
Of the emotions,
A rollercoaster that throws me off balance,

Even when good, emotions kill me.
And when not, darkness consumes.

Just so tired of feeling,
Emotions,
Exhaustion with thinking.
Leaving me collapse,
For the thinking,
Leaves me exhausted.

Wanting rest,
From something I can’t escape,
My mind, the overthinking, people.
All contributing,
Not that I know how.
Left with an uncertainty of feeling, of being.

Never knowing what is true.
Living day by day,
Ignoring what can’t be ignored.
Trying when failing.
As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts,
And here I find myself again.

Just thinking,
Questioning,
Myself more than anything.
And in pain, with every moment thinking.

As living, is fighting, fighting against living.
Living a life where the mind,
It is pain. Just pain.
I seek an escape,
But none never lasts.


Had been good the last few days, this morning was a bit mixed, thinking, overthinking and being sick of being. But feeling okay, immersing myself in photography even if not doing any today as I was too tired.

Just mixed. With these problems seems the only answer is to not think of them, as Rick from my favourite tv show says. Unfortunately not sure if I’ll be allowed.

To Try and Show

To try,
To show,
Fighting a world, that’s fighting me.
Fightin to try,
Fighting to help,
To try and show,
Exhausting, with everything,
And having to take this burden,
To just plod through the fields,
To help,
To try and help,
As I see,
Such pain others hide.
Breaks me inside.
Always has broken me.

So I try,
Try to see,
Try to feel,
Try to show,
And it breaks me.

But I try.
Try to help,
To show kindness, care.

All the pains,
As the sight in a daily grind,
A glimpse I see,
One I ponder daily,
Just to see,
And I wonder.
Sad at not being able,
Able to help,
But wanting to try,
But knowing how,
Or if.

And so.
I see and on it goes.

All and all,
Collapsing around me,
And I just watch,
Trying,
But only left watching,
As it all comes to nought,
As I try.

Trying to help yourself,
Can bring the darkness.

And I try.
Try to show,
And fought every step of the way.

Left with nothing else to try,
To rip apart my mind,
To try and show,
Try and care,
To help.

Just.
Just to try.

Cannibalising my mind, my life,
For another purpose,
To help.

But it rips me apart.
But I’m left with no choice,

To try, to show,
To fail, and try again.
I want to try,
But it’s getting harder and harder,
The uphill struggle.

Even now I don’t want to.
The feeling hurts,
I really don’t want to.

But if I have to.
If I have to. I will.
Just to try and help.

So I will.
I’ll try,
I’ll hurt.
And hurt again after.
All just to try, to show.


Writing this, had felt happy today, kinda still do, but feeling sad. Thinking. My dad’s in a rut, so is my mum. Both separated but in their ruts. I have my own stuff to deal with but I have to try and help. I help this person I barely know in America, been chatting for months I think by now? Trying to help, be kind, let them talk and confide in me. Just to try to help.

I know I don’t like talking about personal stuff to anyone but a couple of close friends. But I may have to force myself uncomfortably so to try, or at least just to try to help my dad. Maybe it will, maybe it wont, maybe it’ll only make things worse. I never have liked seeing people in pain, have been accustomed to, seem very sensitive to this overall from past memories of this and my diagnosis corroborates this.

Really hate the situation I’m gonna have to put myself in, but will do so and try to block it out of mind. Just so I can help, or try.

But really don’t know what more I can do.

Mum’s stubborn and I give help and advice and she ignores or just puts off any hope for improving things even as I try to make things into small steps to help someone to take. My dad, well, I just don’t know how to help and things just seem to be getting worse. Or maybe this is all just in my head, but I really do not know. But I’m pretty sure it isn’t.

Some friends have even said, try to help but then you have to stop to keep yourself going. That is something I’ve never been good at. Ever since I was a kid. I remember in school an uncomfortable thought from my psychology teacher who was a psychologist in a prison, he said, “there are just some people you just can’t help” and I wrestled with this idea for at least months continually after that. And still to this day apparently. I know the statement is logically true, I know my friend was right, that I can’t try to fix my parents’ problems to my own detriment or against my own life, but I don’t really see a choice. It’s the last card I have.

I don’t know, it’ll be rough. It’ll be rough on me, having to put myself into an uncomfortable place, worse that many others in the past. But I just guess I have to try, just to help. Oh well.

Conflicted Mind

Conflicted,
I stand,
Set out,
Choices,
Collapsing under the weight,
I try to carry,
With no prompt but my own.

Blame I place upon me,
To hold me true,
To force me,
This pains me,
But I must.
I try.
Overthinking,
Painful,
Tearing apart inside.

No one does this to me,
For I do it alone,
But it always hurts inside,
Thinking, thinking.
Mind conflicted,
Into the night my mind must go.

And leave a question unanswered,
Wondering where to go.


Writing this, thinking, spent an amazing time with my dad, but also very worried, nervous and conflicted. I can’t go back home to live but know my dad may feel alone. Maybe. I can’t go home for Christmas and don’t mind this for myself but do for my dad. I don’t know. I worry. For most things I don’t care about myself, I can cope, make do, survive, but I care more about others. And it conflicts me totally. Always feeling my choice is always wrong.

Dad’s going through a rough time, and I feel helpless, I try, I worry. I can’t do anything. This compiles with my own worries, anxieties and then there is my diagnosis. I really try. I really do. Being hurts, it is worth it, but is painful.

Unforgiving Perspective

Unforgiving perspective,
One I try,
I owe, to do my best,
To try and make the world better, Brighter,
Because…
I owe.

I try and owe this.
Unforgiving,
Myself.

Even if all is okay,
In my head,
The overthinking,
It isn’t. It isn’t enough. What I do.
So I try, try and try.
Always wanting to do more.
Always oweing more.
So I try.

On with an unforgiving perspective.
I owe.

What’s worst,
If all is okay and well.
I hurt,
I, not hurt.
But want to do more.

I feel I owe.
I try.
And am never satiated,
Always unforgiving,
That I don’t do enough.

A story, perspective, on my life.
Always trying my best,
But never satisfied.
So until then, I try.
And want to try and do more.

A world away from the past.
How far I have come.
So much done,
That felt impossible.
I try.

But always unforgiving with what I try.
The trying.
Willing myself to action.
To try.
Fulfill a debt I have placed on myself.
Being.
Trying.

I try.
I hope its enough.
I try.
Though I never feel it enough.
So I try.
Try,
Keep on trying.

I owe.

Even as all is okay, I owe.
I feel,
I try.
But unforgiving in perspective.

Trying, to find a way,
To know,
To forgive myself,
To know,
To be.
To feel,
Okay, with trying.

I think. Feel. Try. And be.

But the perspective doesn’t leave me.
It doesn’t.

For many years,
This.
I try.
All I can do.
I need to.
Need to try harder.

Each memory, thought, burned into my mind.
Wanting to try harder.
Hurting.
Even as all is okay.

I don’t know.
I need to.


Writing this, thinking, mistakes. How I can’t forgive myself for many things even though I really know I should. I should.

I try, never feel it enough. Constantly reminded I know, I work, I’m friends with amazing people. Even if nothing is wrong, I don’t feel okay, don’t feel I’m doing enough. Even though I try. Even if no one’s said anything.

Don’t know, I forgive others without a second to think, but myself I cannot. I know I should. But yeah.

Thinking of my past, what was impossible and I have succeeded with a lot of it, going to Uni, doing any of it. Having got a job. So much. So much I’m grateful for, eternally grateful, but even having got so far, I can’t forgive myself.

Thinking of my diagnosis, and an article I read about Autism that had a high percentage of people with it cannot get a job, find it difficult doing simple things. A lot I’ve managed, with help from all amazing people. Yet I cannot give myself some slack. Maybe I should? I don’t feel I should. I owe it, owe everyone. But leaves me to being unforgiving of all I do. Not feeling I’m doing enough, even if I know it’s all I can. Always trying.

Everything is good, writing just thinking, of how I’m too harsh on myself but I really can’t help it. Never have been able to. Since I was a very very young kid. I don’t know. So I try to make up for it. Something I always thought of, as a penance, something I owe.

Yet I can’t forgive myself, even if I try my best. Everything is going okay, but still, the overthinking. I really can’t help it. I try. But my trying never amounts to as much as I really wish it would.

So I try. I keep on trying. To maybe come close to what I feel I owe, I try.

And I hope it can be good enough. Even if it is, I never feel it is. Oh well. Overthinking. Always.

People often don’t get my way of thinking, years ago, drunk, I told a boss I try, because I owe it to my job, I would have had to drop out of Uni if it wasn’t for my job. This isn’t why I got it, but every day I feel I owe. So I try. And always feel I owe more, need to try more.

Everything is okay, just overthinking. Always. But I try. It’s all I can. I can only hope all I can is good enough.

Good at the Facade

Good at the facade.
Drowning inside,
Own thoughts, wretching inside.
A fight with the mind,
Before putting on the facade.
Trying,
Wrecking,
Pain to bring forth,
To bring forth,
Pushing and pushing,
But lost.

But so good at the facade.
Always in place,
All hidden at the back of the mind.
Back of the mind,
Clawing forth.

Clenched teeth,
Stomach wretching,
Mind not knowing.
Always thinking.

Just don’t.
Just don’t think.


Story of my life, trying but falling, failing, trying. Nothing’s happened I guess, just the ordinary, trying, trying, and trying, hating myself for trying but not going far as I want, with my trying.

Honestly don’t know anymore, story of my life, years and years of study, trying my best and not getting enough. Same wth everything.

The mind eating itself, wrenching and ripping itself apart.

Had a hope, but finding it’s not going as well as I want. But then again, it is my life, guess to be expected. Thinking and thinking over, till when I can only forget, try to calm the mind of worry and place a wall I cannot see past. Keep the mind occupied so I don’t have time to peer behind the wall.

Lots of things recently, reminding me of this, on and off but still.

Not feeling bad at the moment, just normal. But still. What then, does that say?

I try. Can’t believe after so many years, trying and just fail.

After years and years, you start to ask, think, what’s the point of anything if, just always failing when you’re trying your all. That’s just it.

Don’t know if it’s all true or just unfounded overthinking. Don’t know.

The only way, the saying of my favourite tv character, who I relate to more than any living person, their way of going through life, “just don’t think about it”.

Face Of The World

Face of the world,
Trying, thinking, being.
Always trying,
Against the face of this world,
Trying with,
Always trying.

As I fall,
Stumbling across,
As the mind, the face,
I try.
Always try,
As I stumble,
Thinking.
Demons there,
But I turn my back,
To try,
To be.

Always trying not to think,
A pain of overthinking,
Trying to control.

Overthinking, the poison of the mind,
I’ve tried to remedy,
To fight so hard.

As I fall, to fight to get up.
To try and calm a restless mind.

Thoughts rage, as I fight to calm,
Stumble, stumble, and fall.

Trying to fight,
To rage my soul to being,
As it all falls,
And I try to fight.
To stand,
Pulling against the chains,
Weighing me down.
As I try.

Seeimg and trying not to think.
As I fight against my own mind. My own mind now,
Trying so hard.

Against the face of the world in my mind.

Trying To Feel

Trying to feel,
Despite feeling empty inside.
Lost without feeling.

Trying all I can,
All I have in the past,
To find feeling,
But left empty,
Do not know why,
Despite what I try.

Fighting the world’s emptiness,
Raging to try,
Raging to find life.

Trying all I have before,
To find.
To try.

To try and feel,
To try and be.
Left to spiral.

Living by the distraction,
One moment at a time.

But oh well,
Living in the pain of unfeeling.

As I rage and try to make it through.
Living with the peaceful crashing of the waves.
Trying.
Trying all I can.

Feeling so lost,
And unsure, why this is.

One thought brings slight comfort, feeling,
And even this,
Cannot disrupt the emptiness right now.
But I try, I try,
To feel.
To try and see.

The songs that play, of life.
A life, captured in music.
I try.

Even this,
May not be enough,
To cease my mind’s spiral.

But I try.
I have to try.
It’s all I got.

This sad song.
Trying to find,
Trying to see.
To know,
To be.

But I’m left lost.


It’s been a better day, but I still feel empty, lost. Maybe it’s because I still need a recovery period. But I really don’t know.

I really feel I’ve lost something recently, don’t even know what.

Even what I’ve always known could help isn’t working. Did some photography which was nice, but still, empty. Lost. Hurt. Not even knowing. That’s the worst bit. Not knowing. Feeling lost. Feeling a bit was lost.

Before I could write poetry and blow off steam and get back to a recovery, but this time is different and don’t even know how or why.

Memories From The Present

Memories from the present,
Reminders of a past,
So alien,
So full of demons,
Me.

As the times flow past.
Bringing perspective,
Sadness,
Being.

Times stuck.
For others,
As I find myself,
Chained.

Anger, sadness, pain, memories.
Wanting to push away.
So I,
Can slip away unknowingly.
Just to be.
To make what I want.

Having knowingly erased,
Most of my past,
My childhood.
Always remember,
But suppress,
Hide from view,
For myself and others.
The time erased.
The time I have burned from view.

Living in the moment,
With the reminders,
The scars, fresh and old.

Fragile flesh,
Tree rings,
Marking the times,
For the living.
All that’s come and to bring.

All the scars from wars fought,
Wars of the world and mind,
Scars from the battlefield called life.


Spent just under 12 hours asleep. Was kinda peaceful, spent a lot of time not thinking, unconscious. Nightmares concerning work, but only a bit, luckily once asleep, even nightmares seem disjointed and not connected to reality and hence they’re easier to cope with. It’s just the nightmare, and not a long list of memories.

When I finally left the house, just for a cig after a stressful week, a song came on, one I haven’t heard in a while. Reminded me of some times in secondary school, half my lifetime in the past, reminding me, being cheeked, always the unceasing memories. But they weren’t too bad. So far in the past. But always clear, I could take a boat home and go straight to that room even now, half a lifetime in my past.

Feeling calmer, empty but calmer. I probably needed this despite wishing I had done some photography but had no motivation today. Hopefully after a week of 6ams I can do some everyday, hoping the week can get better, even one good day seems like quite the ask so far.

But we’ll see.

Thinking of how far I’ve come, much further than I thought. Much further. Also reminds me of depression in secondary school and my promise to myself that I wouldn’t make it to my 23rd birthday. I can’t believe I’ve made it to 20, not by choice but yeah. We’ll see. Oh well.

Reminds me of my promise to my best friend, that they don’t have to worry about me, I’m existing, not by choice, but unfortunately just stuck, so everyone doesn’t have to worry, apart from me, stuck in existence, but not by choice. But yeah.

Awake for 40 mins and now probably time to go to bed again for work.