Lost Again

Lost again,
After a too-short time of living,
Living on borrowed time.
Living a borrowed life,
Of happiness, direction and meaning.

How I tried living,
Tried fighting.

I tried and now I find myself,
Lost again.


Today’s all been a rough day, started with selfconsciousness, then has spiralled into being sad, lost, empty, lost. I haven’t even been able to find or turn my mind to happier thoughts. Just have been ruminating and sad.

Just sad. Just sad. Alone. Isolated. Unsure where to go, who to turn to, what to do. What to think.

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Freed By The Feeling

Freedom by the feeling,
From it, by it.
Given a chance,
Allowed to see the sun shining,
With it all working out.

Growth, happiness and strength, to try and to be.


It’s been a really good day, work went well, afterwards was gonna meet a friend to do some work but they didn’t reply but I got to go do some photography that I’ve been meaning to do, it was amazing, got shots I like and after did some of the work I had to do anyway with a small meal in a local bar. Was a really nice day, embracing the feeling, crowding out the bad. It’s helped and I’m feeling good. Although really tired and kinda cba to finish the poem.

Sadness of Beauty

The sadness of beauty,
Coming free from life,
As it’s to be seen.
Felt, experienced and lived.
Just being free,
Being trapped in the feeling,
Letting yourself go free.
Free to be.

Oh how it all wells up.
Like a sunset in full bloom,
All the radiant colours,
Beauty to be seen.
Colours lighting up the sky,
Colours letting free,
Freeing me.

Warmth from it all,
Living in the feeling.
Just thinking,
Of being free,
But in the moment it’s all.

Just witnessing the beauty,
As the world lights up,
Showing me the way,
Showing and freeing me.

Beauty from it all,

The colours and feelings,
Varied and happy,
Living and being,
Not letting a step go,
The step, in a journey for me.

To stand tall,
And give it a try.
To show my mark,
Live my life,
In the moment of feeling.

As I try to be.


Thinking, about lots. Myself for example, even work today, started rough but ended well. Lots of stuff. Beauty like in my photography but coming from sadness. Happiness, sadness, pain, and joy all being one and connected and inseparable.

On the bus today, felt suddenly overwhelmed when going to do some photography, an overwhelming sadness from happiness, felt on the verge to tears, but held it all in.

Sadness In Heart

Sadness gripping my heart,
What I cannot deny,
Getting harder,
Harder to ignore.

Can’t turn my mind away,
Can’t ignore all feeling to wait for it to leave,
The plague on my mind,
One that’s so kind but also hurts.

Thinking and thinking,
The worries plaguing my mind,
So many things,
In a state of change,
I have to find a way,
To navigate the confines of my mind.
That plague me with worry and fear,
Questioning every thought, feeling and outcome.

Gripping,
How this deep sadness plagues me so,
To a numbing moment.
Hurting,
aching.
Until I can set my mind to leave.
To see the world-flow.

Drunk to Stop That Feeling

Being, but never truly knowing,
A mind tortured,
Filled with doubt and confusion in place,
Trying to find and understand,
Trying to be.
Holding onto that feeling of happiness and bliss.

As it fades,
I try so hard to keep hold.
To try and be, to find and make.
But that pain runs deep.
But that deep feeling runs, tries and tries to make. To forge from that broken iron.

The broken path,
A path so deep, breaking and devastating.


Feeling really good today, photography, reading, academic reading and motivation, been drinking and feeling happy and sad. For no reason. Well maybe I know the reason. Thinking as I always am. Wanting more alcohol, I can see why people always crave it, a constant good feeling, but also a little sad feeling, why would anyone want this feeling to stop. I don’t know. Know it’s not good. But in the end? The mind determines existence, if you don’t want to be, then it’d be best if you weren’t. Even if the physical body suffers. This was my rationale for spending nearly all my food money on alcohol in first year and a lot of it in my final year of Undergrad. Can’t afford alcohol and cigs but it’s all I want to try and make the hurt and anxiety fade. That amazing feeling, I still feel and see, just worried if it’s a lie. It honestly gets to me and makes me feel on top of the world.

But then I wonder, then I question. Better go out and grab cigs and alcohol. Give it a go.

Clutching onto Hope

Clutching onto hope,
Sadness comes and brings,
I try, I need to try to hope,
To remember,
A warm feeling to try and keep.

Anxiety and worry,
Thoughts plaguing,
Oh how so broken.

Clutchig onto hope,
Remembering, worrying.

Hope and end.
As I have lost,
Am lost.
Am totally lost.


Sad, today’s been rough, work busy and anxiety inducing, lots of small mistakes I made which my mind has been raging over all day. Been very tired. Totally sad. Thinking can back to the night out which also has brought me down. One thought fills me with a warm feeling, even as I know it tries to fade. But I guess I have to hold on to hope, to a nice warm feeling.

That Flamed Feeling

The light,
A memory, so sweet,
Times feared from scars of my past,
A time nicer,
Shown.

A time,
Filled with hope,
Making my heart melt,
A heart I’ve tried to defend with iron,
To cover the scars,
To stop any feeling.
But all this,
Melts in the face of it,
Melts with that golden smile.

A small moment,
Nothing more,
But… what a moment it was.
A moment remembered.
Cherished.
So fleeting,
Such a moment it was.

Remembering,
The smile, innocence,
Such beauty in a mere moment,
No anxieties at that time, just being,
Just living,
Just feeling,
Alive in that moment.

No purest moment, I have ever felt.
Just free.
No words may describe that moment,
And I choose to keep it that way,
A moment in memory, emotion,
One there,
In the living of a mere moment.
A feeling, I cannot explain.

Why feelings may hurt,
They may bring despair,
Cause troubles and heartache.
But truly,
Truly, despite all this pain,
That may come, due to feelings of the heart,
No matter how remote.

It’s the feeling that fills,
That wipes away all else.
That erases within that moment,
Anything and everything,
But that very moment.

Giving bliss,
Giving, feeling for such that time.
One beyond compare.

A moment, that gives,
Life, in a true scene.
Bringing feeling,
A feeling worth all the time.
A feeling, being within this time.
Oh how, it feels, to be, to have seen.
How it felt, the mere moment within passing,
So fast, but pure,
So soon gone. But also not.

It, brings me to life,
Gives me a reminder.

A feeling that,
If it’s all,
Then I’m privileged to have seen.
A moment,
I remember.

A time my heart melted,
Their small peck,
How I grinned with such ecstacy, confused, happy, living within that moment.
The whole night.
But the best thing,
Was their smile,
Cute, sincere, a smile that could melt seventy Suns,
That could brighten up a room pitch black,
One that, made all the feeling leave me, while all the feeling flooded back.

Made the whole world fade out,
While I was stuck in a single place.

A feeling.
A happiest feeling.
A memory, a flame.
One that burns bright. That will always burn bright.
So long as I just remember,
Not losing sight,
Of life, from the fear and darkness.

Remembering just that true time,
Simple, momentary, but truly melted my heart into a mess.
To which they do so with every smile,
The sound of their voice,
Turns my head every time.

Trying to play-it-cool.
With epic-failure.

From all those times,
It goes to show,
And continues…
My heart just melts.


Been exhausted, tired, dead and sick all day. Relaxed, or tried to escape, thinking. Feeling a little better as of now. Feeling a little myself. Been dreading everything today, but I can’t escape myself. I can’t escape who I am, how I feel. It’s been, fear of happiness, fear of being broken again. Fear of everyone being terrible because I’ve been scarred to my core, more, psychologically, than I ever thought possible from what happened to me. I always down-played it as being nothing that I over exaggerated emotionally. But actually, it’s scarred, it’s stuck, a few people and my best of friend, validated this, said it has, would, but that there’s good reason why it did, dispelled the idea I had that maybe I blew it out of proportion, that I was totally out of my mind.

Am I still scared, yes, sort of, still scared of feeling, yes, still scarred of lots of things yes, scared of my Autism and life, of things that may or may not come. Yes.

But for now I hold a memory, and a will, to try and try, to live, to live and try. To be. To be okay with being me, flaws, weaknesses, strengths, funny quirks and all. May I fall again, most likely. But I can at least try.

Gonna write a cringy love poem, been thinking about writing one for a while, but been scarred of accepting feelings, scarred of writing, been bottling what I know I can’t bottle, I can bottle and cope with bottling almost everything, but this is something I can’t, never have been able to, it’s not how my mind, my own Autism works.

So yeah. Feeling a tad better now. Will hold onto one of the best memories I have, brief, cute, made my heart melt, I question and also fear. But thinking of it makes my heart melt in totality, and I hope I can continue, to not be afraid of feeling happy, to not try and hurt myself so I feel terrible just because I’m fearful of feeling good. I’ll try.

Hurt But I Feel Alive

Hurt but I feel alive,
Happiness, from this happy-sad feeling,
The times, as they all pass,
As they flow,
Nothing fully better,
But at the same time. Yes.

Important to feel and be, in the moment, to feel alive,
To be and find,
The motivation,
The being, feeling and time.
Being,
In this moment,
To see, what I’ll see.
To try against all the pain,
Just needing, this leg-up,
A leg-up to try,
To try and carry on,
To continue this path,
To clear the clouds of the mind.
To find,
To make the most of every moment, again.

To just be.
At peace,
It may be just for now,
It may last some longer,
But from forth,
It’ll all free me.
It’ll free me.

It’ll let me be me.
Let me be glad,
And feel alive.

Happy-sad, alive and free.
Just trying,
Trying to be,
Trying to cope,
Making the most,
And allowing me to be me.


Today’s been better, work busy but good but still felt like my mind was going to pull me down. I knew it was gonna, felt it while waiting at the bus stop. Saw some friends from work, ones I don’t really know that well. We chatted for ages at the stop and on the bus, this brought me back. Made me feel alive, better. Also a happy-sad feeling of being alive, hard to explain. Such a small thing, made me feel alive. Really can’t describe. Feeling so happy I’m kinda on the verge of tears, the small thing that always shone through and brought me happiness, it was a part of it. I guess poetically (irony for a poetry-blog haha) this small thing allowed the small light always there shine through even when I stopped seeing it.

Listening to a happy-sad song, Summer Days by Galantis, it helps, helps. This song, sums up a lot. The hurt, the feeling better, the sadness, the cause, the experiences and it all.

On my way to a photography location, felt tired at the bus stop, exhausted, going to go home and sleep and “waste” the day, the nice day, before my mind changing and exhaustion evaporating and having the ideas, motivation and inspiration to go out for the first time in a couple weeks.

Sight-Sudden Panic

Sight-sudden panic,
The sensory input,
The shock,
Mind going thin,
As it all swirls,
Total loss of control.
All is blocked but the panic.

The sudden urges,
Urge to find a solution,
Then to escape.

To jump out the window,
off the boat, into the road.

Panic that kills,
Even a retrospective mind can’t calm,
It can see, but cannot calm,
Can rationalise, but cannot convince.
Stimulus playing and raging,
Again and again,
In my own head,
A shard in my mind,
One that pierces again and again,
Without an end.

Terrible torture from being,
Where a lack of consciousness can escape.

Always looking for the escape.

Hoping only for an escape,
Anything for an escape,
I’ve tried all sorts,
Only to escape,
Purpose, drugs, feelings and experiences, and nothingness.
To numb the mind down.
With few successes,
But they are found, they come at their costs,
Come with their own demons.

Leaving me,
Without an option,
Only to forward what I don’t want to do.
To live, know, feel.
All gone,
Wanting to rip my brain apart,
To take my mind and stamp it out.
Just to stop.
All of which brings torture.

If I must settle a debt with life,
Just take it all,
To settle and get out.
Deeds, costs, worths.


Been a slightly better day, but was exhausted getting home and fell asleep, when I actually needed to go grocery shopping, or photography (to make better use of a slightly better day) or going somewhere new. Didn’t do anything but sleep. Woke up to be slightly sad at this fact, got a lot of tasks done. And now, finishing some tasks a memory, image, realisation, has got me panicking, sinking and falling. It’s hard to explain the feeling of panic, like tunnel vision, within both sight and mind, the mind starts talking, the world blocked out and yeah.

With the recent panic, got me thinking, what my inital thought after my sleep after work, I woke up but wanted more sleep and eventually coaxed myself awake. Why I did, wanting an escape from consciousness. Much like me back in secondary school, at least I had the one thing to wake up to, school and my GCSEs and all other times I slept. It’s painful, as the panic sets in again, repeating over, over, and over again in my mind on repeat. Like a sadistic game.

The more I write, seeing the stimulus to my panic again and again, it taints the whole day, writing this poem, like painting while the colours change within the same stroke.

Was thinking just now, there was something that really made me happy today, I just remembered, having birthday celebrations with some close friends, belated celebrations, some messaged me about it. So looking forward! But. the panic has set in. Even now, I tear up, feeling panic, torture, completely on edge and happy. All at the same time. Heart beating hard. To try to describe, like feeling hungry and full, at peace and in pain, overwhelmed and relaxed all at the same time. It’s just so much, but as always the panic always overrides. Even as I know the cause of this panic, may be offset by why I’m happy.

Doesn’t mind, logic cannot win, the mind will crush itself, I guess like it’s used to doing. Until I get tired and give up.

I know the only way to feel better, but know its a lie I cannot take. So I relegate myself to truthful torture than an illusory happiness. Such is life.

Deteriorating World

Left watching,
The world’s slow deterioration,
A crumbling of the fabric of everything.
A slow death,
A coming end.

As it moves towards conclusion.
A end coming,
Breaking apart before conclude.
Before a finality.
All to do but watch, with sadness,
Gazing upon, a crushing end.
As it all falls apart,
I stand watching,
Waiting,
Waiting for a breaking point,
Watching for the rupture.
Sadness grips me,
As it all slips away.
All pushed apart,
All crushing under the weight of it all.

Loss just consumes me,
With no way out,
No other way out.
Watching the world like a ghost.
Unsure about anything.
It all,
Breaking upon the weight of it all.

I can’t,
Standing here but can’t,
Do nought but watch it all,
Fall apart,
Crushed.

Flogging myself along a path,
Trying not to fall further and further behind.
But it tires me,
Trying to move along,
In the dark,
Without any direction or light.
I am stuck.
Am lost.

With nothing that can be done,
During this deteriorating world.


Sad, same stuff as I was writing about last night, even the one thing that can give me hope or happiness I have to see, have to see it as a lie or an illusion. Leaving me just giving up.

Curse my Autism to hell, leaving me in pain. Constant pain.