Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

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I Feel… Overwhelming

I feel, overwhelming,

Such joy and happy-sadness.
Overwhelming in all being,
Being and living.
Glad in the smallest moments,
Calm, confident sweet and free.
Free, caring and being truly me,
After so long,
Living in a façade,
Hiding because I had to,
Felt I had to.

But yeah,
Being,
Living,
Existing but feeling,
A part of the world,
Caring and being cared about.

A smile to make my heart melt,
Small moments that last forever,
But also feel gone too soon.

Feeling okay,
Okay to show,
To stand tall,
Tall and proud,
Of who I am,
Who I can be,
Can be okay,
Can show who I truly am.

A warmth in life,
One I’ve never known.
So small in those moments,
But those smallest moments…
So beautiful,
Making this world shine bright.

Proud to stand tall,
For all I’ve done and want to do.
Through my art,
To capture and show.
A message of beauty for all to see,
All in wherever you look,
To find the beauty when the eye beholds,
To make, see and find.
To be the holder of your own path.
To forge a way through.
To make it all work out.
No matter the odds.

Just needing to remember the gold,
To keep hold.


The post I made last, was a rough morning but it was all turned around, it was my anxiety, but it was all turned around on that shift at work by a friend I chatted to tonnes, chatted to tonight. Has been the reason for being confident and happiest recently.

Lots of stuff, also tonight I’ve finished binge watching Game of Thrones to this point, very emotional and thinking of my friend. Just happy, emotional, thinking and happy-sad. A happiness with a tinge of sadness, thinking about the future about the past, about very small things. Feeling so very very happy, content. Not everything in life is perfect, but it feels so that it is. Just thinking, just happy. Happy and emotional that it feels slightly overwhelming, very overwhelming.

Even just writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, a world better. I’ve been so good recently, unbelievable, I know the cause, know why, know what started all of this off.

Clarity

Clarity found,
Place of being, feeling.
A time reminded, by those kind-hearted occasions.


Clarity, feeling better than earlier, not that I was feeling bad but conflicted. I think I’ve resolved it with the help of messaging a friend about stuff not even related to this. I can still walk clearly, freely, happily while still offering all I am able to help, all to try and help. Nothing more that I want to do in life more than to help those I care about.

Feeling much better, cant believe over the last week or two, I remember what started it all, so small and insignificant, but it’s made all life much easier to cope with, has made me happier in everything, looking forward. It was nothing, just a simple FaceBook message but it’s made it all.

Things are still difficult, many times, but it’s much more hopeful, much easier to bounce back. And most of all, much better to keep my mind on track and to steer it if it drifts off course.

This commission I’m a bit anxious about, not really anxious but wondering. I probably won’t get it as the person I spoke to said they’d most likely offer it to someone who’s more disabled by their health, but it’s worth a go and I’m trying. Just waiting to hear back now. It would give me an amazing project over summer to do.

We’ll see. But I still cherish the thing that’s given me so much life, soul, living, above all else. So much so that it’s probably pathetic. But I’m finally happy.

Freed By The Feeling

Freedom by the feeling,
From it, by it.
Given a chance,
Allowed to see the sun shining,
With it all working out.

Growth, happiness and strength, to try and to be.


It’s been a really good day, work went well, afterwards was gonna meet a friend to do some work but they didn’t reply but I got to go do some photography that I’ve been meaning to do, it was amazing, got shots I like and after did some of the work I had to do anyway with a small meal in a local bar. Was a really nice day, embracing the feeling, crowding out the bad. It’s helped and I’m feeling good. Although really tired and kinda cba to finish the poem.

Sadness In Heart

Sadness gripping my heart,
What I cannot deny,
Getting harder,
Harder to ignore.

Can’t turn my mind away,
Can’t ignore all feeling to wait for it to leave,
The plague on my mind,
One that’s so kind but also hurts.

Thinking and thinking,
The worries plaguing my mind,
So many things,
In a state of change,
I have to find a way,
To navigate the confines of my mind.
That plague me with worry and fear,
Questioning every thought, feeling and outcome.

Gripping,
How this deep sadness plagues me so,
To a numbing moment.
Hurting,
aching.
Until I can set my mind to leave.
To see the world-flow.

That Flamed Feeling

The light,
A memory, so sweet,
Times feared from scars of my past,
A time nicer,
Shown.

A time,
Filled with hope,
Making my heart melt,
A heart I’ve tried to defend with iron,
To cover the scars,
To stop any feeling.
But all this,
Melts in the face of it,
Melts with that golden smile.

A small moment,
Nothing more,
But… what a moment it was.
A moment remembered.
Cherished.
So fleeting,
Such a moment it was.

Remembering,
The smile, innocence,
Such beauty in a mere moment,
No anxieties at that time, just being,
Just living,
Just feeling,
Alive in that moment.

No purest moment, I have ever felt.
Just free.
No words may describe that moment,
And I choose to keep it that way,
A moment in memory, emotion,
One there,
In the living of a mere moment.
A feeling, I cannot explain.

Why feelings may hurt,
They may bring despair,
Cause troubles and heartache.
But truly,
Truly, despite all this pain,
That may come, due to feelings of the heart,
No matter how remote.

It’s the feeling that fills,
That wipes away all else.
That erases within that moment,
Anything and everything,
But that very moment.

Giving bliss,
Giving, feeling for such that time.
One beyond compare.

A moment, that gives,
Life, in a true scene.
Bringing feeling,
A feeling worth all the time.
A feeling, being within this time.
Oh how, it feels, to be, to have seen.
How it felt, the mere moment within passing,
So fast, but pure,
So soon gone. But also not.

It, brings me to life,
Gives me a reminder.

A feeling that,
If it’s all,
Then I’m privileged to have seen.
A moment,
I remember.

A time my heart melted,
Their small peck,
How I grinned with such ecstacy, confused, happy, living within that moment.
The whole night.
But the best thing,
Was their smile,
Cute, sincere, a smile that could melt seventy Suns,
That could brighten up a room pitch black,
One that, made all the feeling leave me, while all the feeling flooded back.

Made the whole world fade out,
While I was stuck in a single place.

A feeling.
A happiest feeling.
A memory, a flame.
One that burns bright. That will always burn bright.
So long as I just remember,
Not losing sight,
Of life, from the fear and darkness.

Remembering just that true time,
Simple, momentary, but truly melted my heart into a mess.
To which they do so with every smile,
The sound of their voice,
Turns my head every time.

Trying to play-it-cool.
With epic-failure.

From all those times,
It goes to show,
And continues…
My heart just melts.


Been exhausted, tired, dead and sick all day. Relaxed, or tried to escape, thinking. Feeling a little better as of now. Feeling a little myself. Been dreading everything today, but I can’t escape myself. I can’t escape who I am, how I feel. It’s been, fear of happiness, fear of being broken again. Fear of everyone being terrible because I’ve been scarred to my core, more, psychologically, than I ever thought possible from what happened to me. I always down-played it as being nothing that I over exaggerated emotionally. But actually, it’s scarred, it’s stuck, a few people and my best of friend, validated this, said it has, would, but that there’s good reason why it did, dispelled the idea I had that maybe I blew it out of proportion, that I was totally out of my mind.

Am I still scared, yes, sort of, still scared of feeling, yes, still scarred of lots of things yes, scared of my Autism and life, of things that may or may not come. Yes.

But for now I hold a memory, and a will, to try and try, to live, to live and try. To be. To be okay with being me, flaws, weaknesses, strengths, funny quirks and all. May I fall again, most likely. But I can at least try.

Gonna write a cringy love poem, been thinking about writing one for a while, but been scarred of accepting feelings, scarred of writing, been bottling what I know I can’t bottle, I can bottle and cope with bottling almost everything, but this is something I can’t, never have been able to, it’s not how my mind, my own Autism works.

So yeah. Feeling a tad better now. Will hold onto one of the best memories I have, brief, cute, made my heart melt, I question and also fear. But thinking of it makes my heart melt in totality, and I hope I can continue, to not be afraid of feeling happy, to not try and hurt myself so I feel terrible just because I’m fearful of feeling good. I’ll try.

Starving Pain

To rip apart,
To own and be my pain,
To show control and bend my will,
In any small way.

Wanting to rip my abdomen,
To rip and rupture.
To throw a fit.
Control through rage.
Anger seething beneath.
Anger at all the loss,
Loss of control,
Loss of life.

Anger and seething.
Wanting to claw my way into my mind,
Claw my way inside.
To rip apart,
Bit by bit.
To watch it rupture,
To watch it rupture,
To throw it out.
Stamp it out,
And crush it within hand. Crush it with all I have.
To rip,
Show my wrath and rip.
To feel the pain,
Pain briught just to feel,
Pain just so I can.

Tiring I falter,
But bring the body pain,
Such ecstacy,
To feel it,
To feel it rip itself inside to out.
Anger and sadness from one unholy match.
Wanting to rip it from itself,
Rip itself from me.

Existing In Emptiness

Existing in emptiness,
This unsettling existance,
An emptiness true and sad,
Breaking apart,
Leaving empty,

Leaving nothing to matter,
Nothing to be,
Disassociating from reality,
Wishing and waiting.
Feeling like death,
The pain caused by existence,
Not feeling,
Being without place.

It all feeling disassociative,
Place not to find,
All meaningless,
Where it is all empty,
Hurtful and breaking.

Leading to a rupture,
A break and hurt.

It leaves me,
Hurts me.
Tears my mind apart,
With the war of trying,
Undermining it all,
As it all breaks apart in place,
Tearing me all apart.

My whole existence, a painful lie,

An emptiness,

Always there, just the lie told too sweet.

I give up. Give up the lie that suffocates me.

That chains and cuts me,
Beats me senseless,
Rips and ruptures.

Leaving me nothing,
A broken mess,
Having tried.
But. Broken.
Everything. Broken.


Been writing this for like 2 days. My mood has been terrible. Wrote on my Moodtrack and it explained things, I overall have lost everything, nothing feels anymore. I had aspirations to do research. That now seem impossible. I’m more alone than ever. Most friends have gone, the few I have are leaving soon. I don’t ever really get to meet anyone new so my friends are getting fewer, fewer and fewer. I’m panicking thinking about this right now. Panicking as this is all true. My head is about to burst. Just so scared. I used to feel, care, and all now is empty. I have achieved more than I thought I ever could and achieving has only brought about the realisation of it being all a lie I was working towards and I have no idea, no clue, even photography I’m not sharing, I’m getting less and less motivated to go out and it has less and less of an impact positively on my mood.

It’s all burning up.

I feel like death, but stuck in place.

All these fears, all these worries. Eating at me. I can only ignore the fears for so long. Spending all my brainpower just to ignore. I’m getting less and less able to hide them under a facade around my friends and people I know. It’s all coming to a tipping point. Everything feels like nothing, with no way out and all I can do is hope I don’t wake up.

I can’t take it. I can’t. I can’t. It’s breaking me apart. Everything. Why. Just everything.

Beauty In Being

Beauty in being,
Seeing,
In pain to see what others don’t.
What they won’t,
What they can’t.

True beauty of being,
Seeing,
Trying,
To fight intolerance,
Fighting all social norms,
To allow to see.

To try and to be.
Simply,
To see and show.
To be.
Just to be and to see.


Amazing, great house party. Found my calling. Showing true beauty of being. Beauty in all people, beauty of being, personality, everything. Something I’ve always seen but been dissatisfied with people not seeing their own beauty.

My calling, to show the truth. The truth people don’t see, the truth people overlook.

Those Short Few Times

Those short few times,
The moments so few,
Memories from start to end,
Missing those moments as they’re Left to memories, having blown away in the wind.

Times so few, so sweet.
Memories lasting,
As the times fade away.

The times shared.
So nerdy and far behind.

Missing those times as they fade.

So sweet, so few.
Memories bringing me to a chuckle.
The cute and nerdy days.

The world left to a shine,
With the memory of those short few times.
The sun radiantly shining over the hill,
The blueness of summer skies.

Smart, funny, talented and caring,
Within those short few times,
Those past summer days.


Writing this to a friend that’s gone away. Will miss them. Knew then only for but a short time. Nice times. Times, nice summer days.