I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide,
What I feel.
Angry, sad or happy,
To feel such bliss and care.
To be opened up, when I had lost.
To open up.
My heart. Closed to the world.
Having given up.

And then,
Suddenly,
Opened up.
Shown light and care.
Given me my best moments in my life,
Making me comfortable in my own skin,
In my own life.

To be dashed and changed.
Where I do not know.
Do not know what happened.
A crazy time of changes.
A time that has, no matter what,
Changed my life.

The question I ask,
The thing I cannot decide.
Do I regret this?
Do I?

The life to be taken away, the sight of what is true,
When all is okay,
I even asked myself during that time.
Why is everything so good?
In every way,
Finally feeling alive.
Okay with me, myself and living in my skin.

But to be taken away.

I say I cannot decide,
Because I do not want to.

But I’ve always known,
Will always know.
I do not regret.

It’s given me everything.
I can drop dead happy.
Knowing I lived a happy life,
Even if it was only for one month.

Better to leave it alive and kind,
That tainted with hardship.
But too late for that now.
Too late.
Broken heart,
Broken life,
Broken dreams and crushed underfoot.

Now nothing’s left,
But a facade,
One I keep,
For me as much as for you.
For this I’m the most sorry of all,
For myself,
How this goes.

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Losing The Time Piece By Piece

Losing it, piece by piece,
Motivation for everything,
The hope, the will trying to be better and better.
It all hitting home hard.

The lose of this object,
Imbued with so much.
An object of happiness, pain, hardship, betterment and hope.

A sign, while also holding,
Onto the memories,
They drift slowly,
Slowly and slowly out of my mind.
Memories I kept dear, oh I kept so dear.

I tried.
Have been making strides, great strides,
To be better and better,
Slowly getting better,
Then one by one,
The situations I’ve faced and faced.
Crush my spirit again and again.
Over and over.

I have tried so hard.
So very hard.
To find and be happy,
To find worth in life.
To find the beauty in all that could be seen and felt.
I made progress,
And then the world crushes every glimmer.

Again and again,
I’m crushed under the weight.
How many more steps can I go till I stop.
How much more can I take?
Before losing too much to take.
I don’t know.
Have I reached the limit already.

Dread from every moment conscious and breathing.
Knowing every step I take,
Is followed by a blow.
To my heart, my mind and soul.

I tried,
I tried so hard.
I gor so far. I went and went.
But it doesn’t matter. Life always crushes me so.

Always just pretending to be okay,
Pretending I can cope.

I am trying so hard.
But when making progress.
I am crushed.
Over and over.

That I want it just to end.

The pain of living, breathing, trying only to be knocked back.
Crushed under the weight of life.

I tried.
Want to find the will to try again.
I don’t know how anyone does it.
To continue and try.

I’ve suffered at the hands of my demons for so very long.

So so very long over a decade now,
It’s not all been bad,
I’ve tried to live, to care about all those I meet.
To live my best life.
To try and bring help to others when so lost.
I end up just so very alone.
In a world where I’m dead in the mind, but alive in body.

No one understands,
This object held so dear,
Worn everyday for so long.
Imbued it with hope, positivity, and overcoming hardship,
It meant the world.
And I didn’t even know,
Until I lost it.
It reminded me,
Life, positivity,
Being thinking and trying.
But now.

After it all,
For so much, so long.
I have lost.

How can I move on?
Having lost an object,
Formed, imbued, in the best memories I’ve had in life,
It kept those times alive,
Long past when the times themselves faded.
Long past they faded.

How long till I fade?
Every glimmer and shine?
Every but of positivity in a world that just crushes me.

How long?
Has the time already come?
Was this the last time?
The last bit,
The loss of everything,
Past, present and future.
All this in an object,
Like noone else will understand.


Today’s been so rough. Felt alright going out to take photos. Lost my ring. It held so much sentimental value. I stayed and looked for it for two hours before the last bus for a long trip home.

Also getting sick with sinus pain. Stopped smoking for a month and bought a pack after losing the ring. Thinking of re ring a metal detector and going back next weekend to try again and find it.

I feel I’m losing the memories since losing the ring.

I’ve been trying so hard; putting the past behind me, eating better, trying to be better in so many ways. And since all this effort to be better, more than I’ve ever tried. It’s been one thing after another without break. Worse than any other time. Feel empty, lost, without everything. And I’ve been trying and it’s all being lost. Everything’s fading. I hate it. I’ve been trying! And I’m losing everything!

I tried. I really really tried. I tried and things have only gotten worse after getting a little better briefly. Losing this ring has really really hit me hard.

Feel so dead while being conscious and seeing this myself.

I’m sick and tired of it all. I’ve tried so hard every day. Again and again. Pushing against everything and it all pushes back tenfold.

Going to be truly honest like I havn’t in almost a year on here.

I’ve had reason recently to improve my mental health, life and living more than any other time in my life.

I’ve been living without a bed in my flat for a year, due to finances and the bigger reason; not wanting to commit to large items, not wanting to ‘get comfortable’ in the city in which I live. Because I didn’t know if I wanted to stay. Didn’t want to commit. I’ve finally had a bed for a few weeks now, but have been sleeping worse than the whole year without because, well, I don’t entirely know. My mental health.

I’ve been eating better, I know how to cook, always have since I was a kid, never bothered cooking unless I had a friend coming over, because why do it just for me? Why bother more than sustenence to live, to survive. Maybe this had impacted my mental health, but now eating better it’s all gotten worse? So what now?

I’ve tried to improve personal aspects like through mindfulness, it worked somewhat until recently, like the last week or 2. Been doing it every weekday after work. To calm. To put things into perspective. Because I’d ran out of every other option. Every other thing to try. Counselling hasn’t worked the last 3 times I tried. It helps so long as I’m in the session, and when I leave the room it was like I was never in there. With my work program for counselling and phone service, it’s the same story, the phone is put down and it’s back to before the call. Almost like talking to people, I can fake happy, and believe I am, for the sake of the pretend. And as soon as we stop chatting then its back to sadness.

Even with mindfulness I’ve tried to spin things positivly, like losing the ring, I thought maybe it’s good to lose the object, and embrace the memories more into my mind, or even to attach it to an association like a song or something, like my necklace to keep the memories and associations by reimbueing them into another item harder to be lost. Or eveb just into my mind more fully and easier to recall. But no. I realised as I feel I’m losing the memories. Or even trying to spin it’s maybe good to lose those memories. But again, no. The memories with that worthless object, one priceless to me. Represent the only time I’ve ever been truly happy, truly content, at peace with me, everything, everyone, and my place in the world. The only time in 23 years. So, how am I to say ‘yes’ to just forgetting that? Even writing this is making me cry. It’s pathetic? Probably, hurting myself makes it feel a bit ‘better’ (not the word I’d use). Even thinking of getting a metal detector and in a week going back, for one last try, to find it. Will truly think on that plan.

Feeling lost in place, without knowing a goal or path in life, I lost Uni, lost academia and the hopes and dreams I had. Don’t know any others, can’t even think of a plan or alternative.

I’m so lonely, lonelier than I ever have been. I’ve made it so far. Did what I didn’t think I could do. Not only did I manage through hard work to start my second year of my Undergrad as I couldn’t afford it until I got my job. It allowed me to continue to 3rd year, it allowed me to do my Masters which I couldn’t afford and struggled with finances to manage it and I did that too. I also then have managed to stay here in this city which I had no idea I could do. Didn’t think it possible. But now? No path so Uni left me in the past, adrift like driftwood. I have friends at work who I don’t see outside of work often, my old friends I never really see at all anymore. So. The city I tried to stay in, has lost everything. I have lost it all. Feeling lonelier than ever. I tried to remedy this with photography. But even that, it’s lonely, it’s done out of pain, it’s a coping mechanism for mental health problems and loneliness. So even writing this all out. I tried everything so hard and it’s all turned out nought. I have been really considering recently to go back where I come from. But even there, I only have one friend, they work most of their time to go on holidays. I’ll have no one. So I’m lonely where ever in the only two places I have ever known. I’ve tried to be better, make the most. But writing this all out, breaks me apart totally. Every effort in my life, shown a failure, or meaningless and I don’t know which is worse. It all laid out. Everything summed up in one phrase, “tried hard, everything, and failed“.

Even writing this post, being totally truthful for some catharsis and honesty, to many things that even I’ve tried to hide from myself.

Recently I have truly tried. Truly. More than in my whole life. I thought writing this may be cathartic, maybe a bit, but it has also put everything into perspective. I’m alone in the world, nothing can help, and everything I’ve done has failed or been meaningless. And I thought I tried hard and the world crushed me before writing all this but. It’s hit home even worse now then.

Truthfully, over the many years, wanting to commit suicide until the recent times being truly happy stopped those thoughts dead in their tracks. Luckily these thoughts haven’t returned fully, trying so hard to keep them at bay. But it’s getting harder with all the aforementioned trying and only pain and emptiness and loneliness as a reward. But back in my 3rd year. I kept tonnes of painkillers by my bedside. Hoping I could. At the worst, I would go out with friends, get drunker than ever, and warp my mind myself to force me over the edge, I know how my mind works and what thought patterns would put me into a spiral to do this. I would hold a terrible situation and force it hard to spiral deeper. But one thing stopped those worst of times. Others I care about, family and most importantly my best friend, someone who it broke me thinking of her reaction. So I stopped everything and wrote poetry. The only reason to be alive, to not cause others pain, and causing myself more. Living, trapped in existence, chained to life by my care and empathy for others. It literally saved my life many a time. But I fear with this loneliness recently, the last thing has been taken away. I fear and don’t know. Can’t even really say fear. I have no idea. I have tried so hard recently, holding on, trying to hold a reason. A reason long dead but I keep it alive in my head to keep on and on trying to be better.

It’s sad to think. This ring meant so much to me. Writing all this, spilling my soul onto the page, truths I’ve never told a soul, one lasting over 5 years, maybe 10. All for a ring? Losing it today. Has laid it all bare before me. Everything I’ve tried, recently more than ever, and I’ve lost it all. Every bit of positivity to look forward and try again. Being lost and lost. Over and over again. I even see in my head, another glimmer to hold on hope. But I don’t even know if I want to grab it. That ring. Meant so much. Held and holds so much for me, in every way. I wore it every day, in the good times and the bad. It gave me hope and reminded me. I need it. I guess I won’t be able to sleep tonight. But I guess that’s the least of my problems.

How can everyone do this? Continue while being crushed by it all? I feel bad as I’m not in the worst situation of all. But, even then I don’t care, if I had that ring I could at least try. Remind myself. Last night I wrote a poem of sadness, but this morning was okay, writing to vent, and even then, I wasn’t feeling bad, just thinking and empty. I don’t know what tomorrow will be like. All I can think about is how to try and find that ring. How can anyone do this? Continue after the world crushes and crushes again and again unceasingly, uncompromisingly and mercilessly.

Wondering On

Wondering on,
I’ve moved so far,
Have grown so much.
But still it hurts.
The feelings.

Knowing what to do, to say,
Or more so, not knowing.

I can just stand,
Confused,
Hope and be true.
As I, am wondering on.

The times before, the death of you I watched,
Was it my fault? Yours? Or the scars?
Was it all a lie from the start?
All I can do is just, wonder.

Sit and be sad.
Then come to realise,
It doesn’t matter either way.
And I’ll never know.
Or am I just overthinking all of this?
Another thing to the list,
Of what I do not know.
What I can never know.

So all I can do.
Is to sit here in among my thoughts,
In the drowning depths,
Of my memories,
Oh how they were so perfect.
And now, an ocean away.

And I just sit.
Wondering.
Too tired to stand.
But I do,
Against all the odds.

Try to bring myself forth,
To try and be,
To try and see another day.
Even as I wish many times,
My mind just could stop.
All the pain, all the time.
So I numb it,
For a while,
Suppress the feeling with emptiness.

It goes, against my soul,
Against my being,
Wrecks me from the inside,
Piece by piece.
But I continue to try,
To stand strong,
Despite.

I know I can do this.
But do not know,
Not anymore,
If I want to.
After having seen.
And then.

Then.
It’s stupid,
But it has never been to me.
Everything a distraction,
From what I know I will think.
But so I distract.
Until a point,
When no distraction is needed.

But only time will tell.
So for now,
I sit here,
Tired and wondering,
Thinking.
Hoping,
Overthinking and wanting just to know,
Was it all a lie?
In my own imagination?
Was it my change?
Or just watching death before my eyes,
Happen,
And bring my soul a death with it.
Losing my heart.
Losing my soul,
Losing feeling for anything.


Cathartic writing. Writing rambly stuff but meaningful to me. It isn’t a sad poem, or at least, I don’t feel sad, trying to be better and hence trying to get rid of emotions in my body, bit by bit. Getting rid of the ‘me’ within me.

Or maybe it’s the trying not to feel. That has made me calm even as my soul bleeds through the words on the page and start to bleed.

Scared to Lose

Scared to lose.
Myself,
The feeling,
Feeling in general.
But it’s started.

All empty in place.
Hollow and dead.
In a world passing.
I am unfeeling.
Feeling death.

Trying to grasp to life,
Any feeling to feel alive.

Nothing working.
Everything tried.

But no answer in sight.
No answer given,
I try and try.
I can’t believe.
Life can crush me so.

Only wanting to rage,
To shake life till reality feels.
Shake with my emotions.
To assert I’m alive.
Assert I can be.

But I cannot.
I do not know.
Now anymore.
Anything at all.

I have lost.
Waiting for death.
As I cannot feel anymore anyway.

Nothing I like feels anymore.

So should I break? What is already broken.
Break my mind and soul.
Crush it all as I die.
Rage and protest life.

Letting the fire breathe me into rage. Hate. Because at least I can feel.

Feel rage like I’ve hidden from.
So many years ago.
That decision to value kindness,
Rather than pain.
But look where it’s gotten me.

Pain after pain after pain,
Losing everything,
Losing myself,
Losing every feeling.

So why should I?
I should crush it all.
Break myself,
Until no one can break it anymore.
Broken to dust.
That’s not life.
But that’s all I can get.

But I do not wish for any of it.

But then.

I remember,
Clear as day.
The reason for this pain.
The care,
What I had to give.
What I did.
Feeling alive.
That is all worth it.
It’s worth incarnate.
But was it all a lie?
I do not know.

I do not want to ask the question,
Do not want to remember but also fear forgetting.

My mind cannot decide.
To crush myself for the present,
Or to live only in the past.

Calling Out

Calling out.
Out to the world,
That’s left me so cold.

Gave a glimpse of light.
To just rip my soul from my body.
To hurt me.
Break me.
As I tried.
I tried.
Tried to cope.

Tried to hold on,
And not to lose all I had.
But where am I left.

Either road to walk.
Only ends in pain.

Always ends in pain.
A place of loss.
Loss in the world.
Loss in life.

A continued game.
How much can be lost and lost,
Until nothing’s left.
How much can the soul take.

Watching the beauty fade from the world.
Watching life die, before your eyes.

But this is the way it goes.

Loss of the world.
Death of it all.
Sadness gripping.
Demons to return.
Ending coming.

Sadness gripping.

Watching your soul die,
Before your very eyes.

But you can’t cry anymore.
You’ve lost so much before.
You’ve got no tears to shed.

Got nothing left.

But that’s the way life goes.

Left in dust.

Losing it all,
Before your eyes.
The impossible decision.
The deadly loss.
Silent in its torture.

Sadness in its essence.

The broken lives lost.
The broken way,
The broken past.

Leading to a fractured present.

Leading to this end.
The sadness.
The pain.
The hurt.

Oh how it hurts so.
This emptiness.

Just going to watch it die.

As the body gives in.
As the mind starts to.
But that’s life.
Loss too great.

But what can be done?
What can be?

As the soul breaks.
Willpower loses.

Nothing left.

Take Your Pain

What I’d give, to take your pain.
To take your pain,
How I see, how I feel.
Your pain, as my own.

Pain, I know all too well.
I’ve seen and lived.
Pain that’d broken me.
Over and over again.
Seeing it, once again.

It’s a pain.
A pain I know.
One I’d take again.
To release from it.

I write, to question.
To ponder.
To say, I would do this,
I wish to take that pain.

Watching it,
Pains me.
Seeing it,
Haunts me again.

To see,
When the soul breaks down,
It breaks apart.

I am sorry.

I wish I could.

I want to do so.
Take the pain,
Save another.
Pain I have become so accustomed,
Even now,
I cannot distinguish pain from its lack.

But I fight,
Knowing who I am,
Who I want be.
And I,
I will,
Fight my demons,
And beat them.
To help you.
To help you with yours.
That’s.
A battle.
I can fight.
I can win against my demons.
Filled with strength and meaning.

I can fight and win my demons.
To find my best self.
My true self, meaning.

But I try.
Seeing the pain.

But.
You try.
To hide your pain,
Knowing mine.
But we cannot hide from our own past,
Our trials.
No matter how we try.

So I have come to find.
All we can do.
Is try to face them.
See them,
Embrace and throw them.
Aside.
In a fight,
Everyday.

But that’s it.

So I try.
Again and again.
In an endless fight.
But I care.
More than I want to admit.
More than I want to see,
But even I can’t hide from that.
And I don’t think I want to,
Even if I could.

Changed Me.

Changed me.
I’m a changed man.
How the feelings rush in, the good,
Fighting anxieties and worries,
Making me feel whole and found.
Changing me to seek change.
To be better and better,
To stretch and fly.

Oh, how it changed.
How I’m changed.

Listening to that song,
The one that only reminds me of you.

Always grateful,
Always remembering,
How you came in and shook up my life.
To show me,
To show me, how to show myself living.
To find, be, care and move towards life.


Feeling much better, now chatting again. Loving life, living life, wanting to be better for myself. To find and be. me.

Loving Hurts

Heart torn in two,
Care to break my heart.
Care I have,
That it pains me,
Breaks me down but builds me, builds me as it breaks me down.

To say goodbye, and to help,
Goodbye to find themselves.

My mind,
My empathy,
It breaks and swallows me,
But all I can do, is to hold the feeling. My reason.

So I know why, even as it kills me inside.

My heart breaks.

Emptiness swallows me.
But care motivated me.

A goodbye,
Not wanted,
A goodbye I tried to avoid.

I’m sorry.
Sorry to them.
Sorry in my mind.
Sorry to me and the world.

But I am not sorry, for the reason.
I am sorry it was the only, way.

My mind, clawed to dark and light.
Dark for all of my overthinking, dark for where I’m going now.
The only light comes from remembering, remembering the feeling, what motivated this, the care.

Need to fight,
Fight the darkness,
As I’ve lost the light.
I. Have lost. I, have devastated myself.
My empathy, it kills me.
But makes me, and saves me.

Life, love, care, empathy, it all hurts. But themselves make life worth it.

Oh how it hurts.
My brain, won’t let me have peace.
I am sorry.
A scar on my mind.

It breaks me down.

But I keep hold, hold to the reason that made me tick.


Said goodbye today, goodbye because I care, goodbye because I care. I need her to try. Need her to get closure. Need to give her space.

I’ve felt I’ve lost everything. Life got so perfect, then I had to say goodbye, it was me who said goodbye. Why did I do this! I did it for her but I can’t stand I did say goodbye. But I needed to, did it for her.

This continues, continues from my last poem. I feel like I’ve died, I’ve lost everything. Lost something. Lost. Everything.

Tally on My Heart

Your kindness,
A tally on my heart.
Every moment,
Every time,
A moment,
A place and time,
To lose myself in the moment.
In the past I am lost.

Oh how you picked me up,
Let me in,
Let me,
Share.
Every kindness,
Expecting it to be the end,
But you show care,
You care more and more,
And I, truly, ever, fall in love.
Falling in love harder and harder.

No matter what happens,
Our trials and troubles,
Care,
From what is remembered,
The kindness shown.
A light to keep going,
To hold onto.
A trial.

This tally in my heart,
Oh it hurts,
Hurts to see this kindness so,
After all this time.
Thought it impossible to find.
But found it though.
As I stand in awe,
In total aw.

Listening to that song she sang,
Always hearing it in her voice,
Calming, chill, happy,
Thinking,
Oh how she,
Oh how she helped me,
Helped me to,
To see and to find my own,
My own confidence in life.
Finally being free.

The road travelled may still be hard,
It will be.
But it’s brighter.
Brighter with me.
Always seeing her,
In my confidence,
How she showed me,
Showed me to find me.
To find it again.

Finally being me,
Being free and happy.

I did this myself,
It all an achievement for me,
But she helped me to see,
Helped me to look,
To try, to find, to be.
To find this spark of life,
To live life,
To be free and happy.

She showed me,
At a time,
I couldn’t find, but stopped trying.

She pushed me to try.

All of this to say.
No matter what happens,
My heart is forever etched,
With the tally of her kindness,
Of which I shall always repay in kind.

For I so care,
More than I care to say.
Because, it’s caring,
So much it hurts me,
But the pain,
It’s out of care.
It hurts, but it’s nice.
The nicest feeling in the world.

The pain,
It reminds me,
It’s all for caring,
And that is why it’s okay.

To be there,
For another,
No matter what may be,
No matter their troubles, problems or pains.
I shall be there,
To hold and face it with them.
To stand against it.
To let them shine past their demons.
Just as they’ve convinced me to fight mine.

Giving me such a power,
Such a feeling,
To stand and move,
To shake the world,
To forge my own,
Making life.

Oh how the tallies,
She has etched,
Engraved onto my soul,
Bringing me back,
Back to life,
Giving me confidence, giving me sight.

It’s just, I’ll never forget,
This tally on my heart.


Been writing this for a couple of days to a week, thinking, how I’ve been changed, how I remember, the tally on my heart, the tallies that she’s etched so deep. That I shan’t forget.

Hope from Uncertainty

1 ——————-
Hope from uncertainty,
Care from hope.
A will to try.
A will to be,
Living in being,
Being in waiting and making.

Love in time.

To be there.

2 ——————-

The knives in my being,
From a me long in the past.
The scars burn,
But a new life,
Burns brighter within me.
A new light lighter. A rage to go on and forge ahead,
To find a path.
As the lights,
Go into peacefully,
I walk and walk I shall.
Walking into whatever I have.

But then again I wanna question,
What I thought as real,
Being. Feeling what was real,
As I thought.
But being, can hurt,
Itself, it can all hurt,
As you don’t see.
It can all break and shine.

As life, is life.

3 ——————-

The question, to face the cliff and fly,
To see fly.
To try.
Just as we try,
We walk,
We walk to that edge.
Just to hear that voice.

To be free.

To try.

When it’s easier to feel emptiness and pain.

Than the light you choose not to see shine.

4 ——————-

The light, the soul, resides, bursting forth,
Nothing to let the anxiety through,
Battering past the overthinking, the fears, anxieties and worries.
To find.
To make.
I break free.
I was shown, that I can cut my own chains.
That I can, and they’d be with me.
They care,
My person can be better and purer and just me.

With it all, normal but happy.
I can control my anxiety.
I can take control.
Can stand talk and be, be perfect.

It’s all perfect in its imperfect perfection.

How it all started,
By some sunset,
Far away.
The perfect time,
Just nothing,
Nothing but and just us.
Beauty in living in a moment.
Lost in being.

As normalcy comes back,
We find,
Find our way back.
Back to our complicated world.
A memory remembered.
Kept and held, in memory.

As I lose the world, my own thoughts,
Drawn always back to you,
Pure bliss,
Knowing,
I’d give anything for you,
Everything I could to help,
To be with you,
To make you happy,
Valued, helped and all the greatest of times.

Pure bliss,
From a time, out of nowhere.
From normalcy pure bliss,
Completeness,
Wholeness.
Oh how perfect.

Perfect to find life in but a single day.
To find it all.
By a complete surprise.
Surprise found in amongst it all,
To find, it now.
How it rushes past.
Now in memory,
But lived everyday.
In every, and all those smallest moments.
The times as they come.
They find and are perfection.
How they are pure bliss,
From utter normalcy.

Showing, a sign,
Of the beauty in all those everyday things,
Perfection from it all.
Perfection in the smallest of times.
Times that show, that grow and completely take over.
Changing my life for the better.
Changing me in all those ways I could not find before.

The ways it goes,
In those unexpected ways and times,
Bringing forth a strength, a power,
To be, make and claim life,
My life for my own.
Making me better, better at being me.

A beauty from being,
It is beauty, from living in the sunshine, light and life.


1 ——————-

Saw my friend, a good friend, we chatted, about all sorts. Lots of different stuff. Lots. It was good, amazing. Asked them how they felt about me, they said they were unsure, they liked chatting and hanging out and that they had their own stuff to sort out. Fine by me, so do we all, some more than others. But I’m cool with that. I love helping and trying and caring so that’s no problem.

Lots of stuff recently has gone on.

2 ——————-

Writing this the next night, a two-day written poem, two ideas, two different ideas, two days brightened by this purely amazing person. Today even better, much much better than yesterday, so so so much better! The same theme, care, love, waiting and caring, helping them to be stronger, or more accurately to show them how so strong they are. To show them they don’t have to be afraid to talk to me, to show me personal stuff. Just as they’ve showed me in return.

Amazing day, hanging out with them, talking, chatting, and messaging.

This person is amazing, unlike no other. Makes me feel like to other, makes me care like no other, worry like no other, be better like no other. Makes me feel like I can be myself like no other.

3 ——————-

Again a different day, different time, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all a mix. Just a try. To step forth and fall.

All about that choice.

4 ——————-

Was asked, if I wanted to go to watch sunset with this person. Haha. After their last exam. Nothing I’d love more. Nothing.

This poem. I’ll finally publish almost a week after its start. Each section a snapshot of me, my moods, changes, how I feel, how it changes and I’m showed, how I’ve been changed by them. 4 weeks and seeing one another everyday but 4. Amazing. Perfect. Not totally easy or without worry, but perfect in how it’s whole, good, bad, pure, kind, and amazing in its perfect imperfection. I’ve been changed, I’ve gotten confidence, they’ve showed me that I can, I’ve gotten better in everyway, for everything and I owe them. I had all of these things, but for so long I’ve not been shown that I could. So I hid. I hid. But finally I feel free. Feel better than I have in my whole life, my whole life. So many things have changed, my outlook for so many, my mood and happiness, better able to control my anxiety, to talk about it, to admit it to myself and her. It’s perfect. Even tonight, chatting on FB from early morning, and in the evening, chatting on the phone from 8:30pm till like 12:15am. Was good to chat, some deep, some funny, joking, teasing, looking each other’s past posts and all sorts of random stuff. We even said we’d get presents from each other’s homes. I now need to think of what to get. This call was perfect, sweet and bliss. I feel the luckiest person alive just to be able to see her.

This poem is random, but means the world to me, for what it means to me.