Sadness of Beauty

The sadness of beauty,
Coming free from life,
As it’s to be seen.
Felt, experienced and lived.
Just being free,
Being trapped in the feeling,
Letting yourself go free.
Free to be.

Oh how it all wells up.
Like a sunset in full bloom,
All the radiant colours,
Beauty to be seen.
Colours lighting up the sky,
Colours letting free,
Freeing me.

Warmth from it all,
Living in the feeling.
Just thinking,
Of being free,
But in the moment it’s all.

Just witnessing the beauty,
As the world lights up,
Showing me the way,
Showing and freeing me.

Beauty from it all,

The colours and feelings,
Varied and happy,
Living and being,
Not letting a step go,
The step, in a journey for me.

To stand tall,
And give it a try.
To show my mark,
Live my life,
In the moment of feeling.

As I try to be.


Thinking, about lots. Myself for example, even work today, started rough but ended well. Lots of stuff. Beauty like in my photography but coming from sadness. Happiness, sadness, pain, and joy all being one and connected and inseparable.

On the bus today, felt suddenly overwhelmed when going to do some photography, an overwhelming sadness from happiness, felt on the verge to tears, but held it all in.

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That Flamed Feeling

The light,
A memory, so sweet,
Times feared from scars of my past,
A time nicer,
Shown.

A time,
Filled with hope,
Making my heart melt,
A heart I’ve tried to defend with iron,
To cover the scars,
To stop any feeling.
But all this,
Melts in the face of it,
Melts with that golden smile.

A small moment,
Nothing more,
But… what a moment it was.
A moment remembered.
Cherished.
So fleeting,
Such a moment it was.

Remembering,
The smile, innocence,
Such beauty in a mere moment,
No anxieties at that time, just being,
Just living,
Just feeling,
Alive in that moment.

No purest moment, I have ever felt.
Just free.
No words may describe that moment,
And I choose to keep it that way,
A moment in memory, emotion,
One there,
In the living of a mere moment.
A feeling, I cannot explain.

Why feelings may hurt,
They may bring despair,
Cause troubles and heartache.
But truly,
Truly, despite all this pain,
That may come, due to feelings of the heart,
No matter how remote.

It’s the feeling that fills,
That wipes away all else.
That erases within that moment,
Anything and everything,
But that very moment.

Giving bliss,
Giving, feeling for such that time.
One beyond compare.

A moment, that gives,
Life, in a true scene.
Bringing feeling,
A feeling worth all the time.
A feeling, being within this time.
Oh how, it feels, to be, to have seen.
How it felt, the mere moment within passing,
So fast, but pure,
So soon gone. But also not.

It, brings me to life,
Gives me a reminder.

A feeling that,
If it’s all,
Then I’m privileged to have seen.
A moment,
I remember.

A time my heart melted,
Their small peck,
How I grinned with such ecstacy, confused, happy, living within that moment.
The whole night.
But the best thing,
Was their smile,
Cute, sincere, a smile that could melt seventy Suns,
That could brighten up a room pitch black,
One that, made all the feeling leave me, while all the feeling flooded back.

Made the whole world fade out,
While I was stuck in a single place.

A feeling.
A happiest feeling.
A memory, a flame.
One that burns bright. That will always burn bright.
So long as I just remember,
Not losing sight,
Of life, from the fear and darkness.

Remembering just that true time,
Simple, momentary, but truly melted my heart into a mess.
To which they do so with every smile,
The sound of their voice,
Turns my head every time.

Trying to play-it-cool.
With epic-failure.

From all those times,
It goes to show,
And continues…
My heart just melts.


Been exhausted, tired, dead and sick all day. Relaxed, or tried to escape, thinking. Feeling a little better as of now. Feeling a little myself. Been dreading everything today, but I can’t escape myself. I can’t escape who I am, how I feel. It’s been, fear of happiness, fear of being broken again. Fear of everyone being terrible because I’ve been scarred to my core, more, psychologically, than I ever thought possible from what happened to me. I always down-played it as being nothing that I over exaggerated emotionally. But actually, it’s scarred, it’s stuck, a few people and my best of friend, validated this, said it has, would, but that there’s good reason why it did, dispelled the idea I had that maybe I blew it out of proportion, that I was totally out of my mind.

Am I still scared, yes, sort of, still scared of feeling, yes, still scarred of lots of things yes, scared of my Autism and life, of things that may or may not come. Yes.

But for now I hold a memory, and a will, to try and try, to live, to live and try. To be. To be okay with being me, flaws, weaknesses, strengths, funny quirks and all. May I fall again, most likely. But I can at least try.

Gonna write a cringy love poem, been thinking about writing one for a while, but been scarred of accepting feelings, scarred of writing, been bottling what I know I can’t bottle, I can bottle and cope with bottling almost everything, but this is something I can’t, never have been able to, it’s not how my mind, my own Autism works.

So yeah. Feeling a tad better now. Will hold onto one of the best memories I have, brief, cute, made my heart melt, I question and also fear. But thinking of it makes my heart melt in totality, and I hope I can continue, to not be afraid of feeling happy, to not try and hurt myself so I feel terrible just because I’m fearful of feeling good. I’ll try.

Starving Pain

To rip apart,
To own and be my pain,
To show control and bend my will,
In any small way.

Wanting to rip my abdomen,
To rip and rupture.
To throw a fit.
Control through rage.
Anger seething beneath.
Anger at all the loss,
Loss of control,
Loss of life.

Anger and seething.
Wanting to claw my way into my mind,
Claw my way inside.
To rip apart,
Bit by bit.
To watch it rupture,
To watch it rupture,
To throw it out.
Stamp it out,
And crush it within hand. Crush it with all I have.
To rip,
Show my wrath and rip.
To feel the pain,
Pain briught just to feel,
Pain just so I can.

Tiring I falter,
But bring the body pain,
Such ecstacy,
To feel it,
To feel it rip itself inside to out.
Anger and sadness from one unholy match.
Wanting to rip it from itself,
Rip itself from me.

Sight-Sudden Panic

Sight-sudden panic,
The sensory input,
The shock,
Mind going thin,
As it all swirls,
Total loss of control.
All is blocked but the panic.

The sudden urges,
Urge to find a solution,
Then to escape.

To jump out the window,
off the boat, into the road.

Panic that kills,
Even a retrospective mind can’t calm,
It can see, but cannot calm,
Can rationalise, but cannot convince.
Stimulus playing and raging,
Again and again,
In my own head,
A shard in my mind,
One that pierces again and again,
Without an end.

Terrible torture from being,
Where a lack of consciousness can escape.

Always looking for the escape.

Hoping only for an escape,
Anything for an escape,
I’ve tried all sorts,
Only to escape,
Purpose, drugs, feelings and experiences, and nothingness.
To numb the mind down.
With few successes,
But they are found, they come at their costs,
Come with their own demons.

Leaving me,
Without an option,
Only to forward what I don’t want to do.
To live, know, feel.
All gone,
Wanting to rip my brain apart,
To take my mind and stamp it out.
Just to stop.
All of which brings torture.

If I must settle a debt with life,
Just take it all,
To settle and get out.
Deeds, costs, worths.


Been a slightly better day, but was exhausted getting home and fell asleep, when I actually needed to go grocery shopping, or photography (to make better use of a slightly better day) or going somewhere new. Didn’t do anything but sleep. Woke up to be slightly sad at this fact, got a lot of tasks done. And now, finishing some tasks a memory, image, realisation, has got me panicking, sinking and falling. It’s hard to explain the feeling of panic, like tunnel vision, within both sight and mind, the mind starts talking, the world blocked out and yeah.

With the recent panic, got me thinking, what my inital thought after my sleep after work, I woke up but wanted more sleep and eventually coaxed myself awake. Why I did, wanting an escape from consciousness. Much like me back in secondary school, at least I had the one thing to wake up to, school and my GCSEs and all other times I slept. It’s painful, as the panic sets in again, repeating over, over, and over again in my mind on repeat. Like a sadistic game.

The more I write, seeing the stimulus to my panic again and again, it taints the whole day, writing this poem, like painting while the colours change within the same stroke.

Was thinking just now, there was something that really made me happy today, I just remembered, having birthday celebrations with some close friends, belated celebrations, some messaged me about it. So looking forward! But. the panic has set in. Even now, I tear up, feeling panic, torture, completely on edge and happy. All at the same time. Heart beating hard. To try to describe, like feeling hungry and full, at peace and in pain, overwhelmed and relaxed all at the same time. It’s just so much, but as always the panic always overrides. Even as I know the cause of this panic, may be offset by why I’m happy.

Doesn’t mind, logic cannot win, the mind will crush itself, I guess like it’s used to doing. Until I get tired and give up.

I know the only way to feel better, but know its a lie I cannot take. So I relegate myself to truthful torture than an illusory happiness. Such is life.

Deteriorating World

Left watching,
The world’s slow deterioration,
A crumbling of the fabric of everything.
A slow death,
A coming end.

As it moves towards conclusion.
A end coming,
Breaking apart before conclude.
Before a finality.
All to do but watch, with sadness,
Gazing upon, a crushing end.
As it all falls apart,
I stand watching,
Waiting,
Waiting for a breaking point,
Watching for the rupture.
Sadness grips me,
As it all slips away.
All pushed apart,
All crushing under the weight of it all.

Loss just consumes me,
With no way out,
No other way out.
Watching the world like a ghost.
Unsure about anything.
It all,
Breaking upon the weight of it all.

I can’t,
Standing here but can’t,
Do nought but watch it all,
Fall apart,
Crushed.

Flogging myself along a path,
Trying not to fall further and further behind.
But it tires me,
Trying to move along,
In the dark,
Without any direction or light.
I am stuck.
Am lost.

With nothing that can be done,
During this deteriorating world.


Sad, same stuff as I was writing about last night, even the one thing that can give me hope or happiness I have to see, have to see it as a lie or an illusion. Leaving me just giving up.

Curse my Autism to hell, leaving me in pain. Constant pain.

Existing In Emptiness

Existing in emptiness,
This unsettling existance,
An emptiness true and sad,
Breaking apart,
Leaving empty,

Leaving nothing to matter,
Nothing to be,
Disassociating from reality,
Wishing and waiting.
Feeling like death,
The pain caused by existence,
Not feeling,
Being without place.

It all feeling disassociative,
Place not to find,
All meaningless,
Where it is all empty,
Hurtful and breaking.

Leading to a rupture,
A break and hurt.

It leaves me,
Hurts me.
Tears my mind apart,
With the war of trying,
Undermining it all,
As it all breaks apart in place,
Tearing me all apart.

My whole existence, a painful lie,

An emptiness,

Always there, just the lie told too sweet.

I give up. Give up the lie that suffocates me.

That chains and cuts me,
Beats me senseless,
Rips and ruptures.

Leaving me nothing,
A broken mess,
Having tried.
But. Broken.
Everything. Broken.


Been writing this for like 2 days. My mood has been terrible. Wrote on my Moodtrack and it explained things, I overall have lost everything, nothing feels anymore. I had aspirations to do research. That now seem impossible. I’m more alone than ever. Most friends have gone, the few I have are leaving soon. I don’t ever really get to meet anyone new so my friends are getting fewer, fewer and fewer. I’m panicking thinking about this right now. Panicking as this is all true. My head is about to burst. Just so scared. I used to feel, care, and all now is empty. I have achieved more than I thought I ever could and achieving has only brought about the realisation of it being all a lie I was working towards and I have no idea, no clue, even photography I’m not sharing, I’m getting less and less motivated to go out and it has less and less of an impact positively on my mood.

It’s all burning up.

I feel like death, but stuck in place.

All these fears, all these worries. Eating at me. I can only ignore the fears for so long. Spending all my brainpower just to ignore. I’m getting less and less able to hide them under a facade around my friends and people I know. It’s all coming to a tipping point. Everything feels like nothing, with no way out and all I can do is hope I don’t wake up.

I can’t take it. I can’t. I can’t. It’s breaking me apart. Everything. Why. Just everything.

Wrecked

Wrecked as it all crashes,
Beaten, broken and wrecked.
In the mind,
Seething and raging,
Wanting to let the rage out.

To stop the facade of calm,
Every action, tinged with inaction.
Broken and falling.
Through and out of it all.

Wanting to burn my every path,
Leaving one.
To make me choose.
Make me fight,
And make me take the fight to my mind.
To burn it all down.
To make it bend,
To my own will.
Through flame and sword,
Hunger, pain, sadness and torture.
To break my will,
To break it all apart from its making.

Anger, at every little thing.
Trying to break.
Trying to thrash,
Wanting to let it all alight.
Break every bone in my body.
Breaking every thought within my head.

Breaking every ounce of strength.
Breaking it all.
Just want to break it all.
Leave me with nothing else.

Please Make It Stop

Please make it stop,
Take it all away.

I do not want this, Never asked for it.
A pain, so deep.
Existence futile,
Yet chained beneath.

How it forces me to wait and watch,
When all I want is to pass through, pass by.
I beg, beg, beg and beg,
Until there is nothing left to beg for.

Maybe then, after all these years,
It’ll finally be gained, earned, given.


Woke up after a nap. Still in pain. Still hate everything, still can’t feel happiness as my mind immediately kills it when I try, while I see the small ray of light.

The worse thing, I can see the happiness, it is out of my grasp, it is there and I can se, can feel before being hit back into reality, hit back into fearing. Another day to come, another time to wait. More pain as always, just waiting for it all to end.

Fear of Happiness

How the fear takes hold, makes, warps every decision.
Breaks apart the mind.
Takes apart. Life.

The feeling

Thinking and swirling, mind out of control.

Pain, sharp and piercing,
A flame burning,
Blistering within my mind,
Wrapping around and smothering.

Breaking me from inside.
Throwing me into the dark sea of sadness.
Lost without anything.

As I try, and I try and try.
Waves crashing and stopping me dead.
As I try and tire,
It throws me, just throws me overboard.
Losing all the energy,
Just throws me, into a sea of anxiety.

Even now, I feel my mind,
Trying in vain,
To find happiness, I see the thoughts, but they’re swatted away, feared.

A mind, not my own.
As the demons have returned, stronger,
In that they control the escape,
They control the ship’s steering.
They block the view of any other way.

They tear, rip and shred.
Uncaring the demons torture.
They rip my mind apart.

Left with nothing,
But hoping for an escape,
Any path to take.
Anxiety getting too great.

Anxiety;
Over the fear,
Over happiness,
Over the fear of happiness,
Over the past and how it’s caused this.

Clawing at the sides,
Of this well as I drown,
So dark down here inside,
Seeing no outside.
Pitch black. As I fall down and down.

It all, getting all too much.
All too much.

I cannot stand.

I cannot stand it all,
Cannot stand anything.
Cannot stand the pain and anxiety,
How my mind fights itself and fights me.
How it corrupts and rips apart at my insides.

I want to feel happy,
Want to try,
Thinking even now,
After all this.
A small inkling of happiness,
I know, where to place my mind to find it.
But everytime.
My mind also shuts it down.
Shuts it out.
I see, I want to try.
But again, always, my mind is shutting it out.
Fearful, fearing, and avoiding.
Corrupting. Tiring.

It takes these small moments,
And it hides them,
Showing them as false,
Showing them to be illusions.
Showing nothing in the way forward.

How I want to try and hold,
What little hope,
I see it, off in the distance,
Even now, I smile slightly, at the thought.
Knowing it’ll be shut down.

But.

Hold onto the thought.
Hold onto the memory.
No matter the scars,
It holds me to life,
Keeps my attention,
Makes me feel life,
Onwards looking at it as it drifts,
Into the distance.
What a little, simple, ray of hope.

Even if it will be extinguished,
I’ll hold onto the thought, for just a little while.


Been on the verge of breakdown all day, sad and thinking, my birthday always causes me sadness, don’t want to do anything for it. Sad and thinking, spiralling out control. Sad. Thinking about me. Thinking about everything. Not tired but exhausted with everything. Sad about everything, so tired at work, so much I want to do but no time. Thinking and thinking. Always. Hopes, future, a crush and all sorts of shit. All bringing me down. And me helpless to try. Just exhausted. Sick and tired. My brain, seeing every bit of happiness and trying to crush it before getting hurt, or fearing getting hurt, scars of the past I guess. Scars I thought healed, forgot, over but the glass still cuts in my arm. The shard still in my mind.

So much I want to do in so many areas of my life, but too exhausted to try anymore. I have hope, but my mind crushes it, stops it, fears trying. I hope, I want to try, but so exhausted, so fearful it’s paralysing. I’m so done with everything and want it all to stop. Just want it to stop.

Tired of the constant pain. Anxiety. Fears. Emptiness and feeling.

I feel dead but unfortunately not, don’t like to say, but wish it true.

Funny how feeling can bring everything yet also take it away, at the same time.

Feels like PTSD of the past, causing me to fight happiness, to fear it, to put a stop to it. It’s a new feeling, one I cannot explain for the life of me. Cannot understand. It feels like a war inside my mind, one I’ve already lost. Fearing. Always fearing. Fearing life.

Hate it. All decisions, made for me, from the past. All fear. All hatred and hurt. Just hating. Wanting change. But all paralysed.

Any small happiness, for the smallest moment, and seeing, and then, I feel it, the slap within my mind, as it stops it dead. Replacing it with emptiness, or worse, depression. Unable to feel happiness in this state. The mind trying, and then slapped aside. The war going on within my mind, like its own entity, that I cannot even move, or shape, or try.

It’s sad, I’ve not been in this state or pure sadness in a long time, but it’s different, it’s different, this is one, not affecting general mood (although it is too) but affecting the movement of a mood from that state.

Been writing this on and off for many hours now. I don’t know. The little ray of hope, what makes me smile, even despite all this. I try. Try to hold on, to hope, to feel. I know it’ll be crushed. But I’ll hold onto it for a little bit. Before it goes.

Brought Back To Life

All my loves in life,
Creating, making anew through images my own.
Giving me, peace in the mind.

And then.
Sadness,
As I’m brought back to life.

Pain,
Rushes back,
Ripping out my heart.

An escape,
Made not to last,
Not to be real.

As it all hurts,
Breaks.

I just want,
An escape from my,
From my mind.
To tear me from,
Leaving me unconscious,
Breaking me from,
An addiction to a lie,
A lie that, it’ll get better sometime.
A lie told,
To battle hard,
To overcome the next hurdle as it’ll come, a time,
When I can live,
Be free from my mind.
Be happy in life,
Rather than waiting for it to stop.
Patiently I wait,
For one end or another,
An end to the pain, or just an end.

A sad set of affairs,
As I lie,
Thinking,
Trying but stopping,
As it’s all the lie.
A lie I tell.

But I am stuck.
In a terrible rut.
Just waiting, Not knowing what to do,
Just wanting to do nothing,
Having lost life.
Lost meaning.
Just wanting an escape,
An escape from being brought back to life.


Went to do a little bit of photography again today, late, and mostly location scouting. After packed up and heading home. Was thinking why I love photography and it makes me feel better. Even if only during it.

It’s an escape from life, from living, from thinking, keeps me occupied. Until after, when I’m brought back from life. Don’t know why I feel terrible in general, stuff is okay, more stable than in many years, living in a place I like, all sorts of stuff. Finally have a hobby, since primary school I never had one.

Why I like photography reminded me, back to primary school through to secondary, I was addicted to video games for the same reasons; it was an escape from life, from my mind, got me thinking but not about life, but a puzzle. My childhood wasn’t that bad. So what’s wrong with my mind. Where what’s worst, is being brought back from life.