To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.

Those Empty Days

Those empty days, empty times,

Looking to those memories,
Good and bad,

Wondering where they’ve gone.
Left without a feeling,
Feeling lost.

These empty days that pass,
That give,
That hurt and leave one wondering.

Leaving one empty,
Sitting and staring,
Thinking and living.
Wondering.

Of those empty days that come.
The welling feeling,
Thinking and hoping,
For the next opportunity,
To feel alive,
To feel meaning,
To feel like a living being,
Rather than an empty object,
A piece of the furniture.

Thinking of those memories,
The good and the bad.
Of the times I felt,
The times, that have gone and past.

Waiting through those empty days,
Where the feeling overwhelms you,
The feeling of lacking just that.
Feeling.

Through these empty days.

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Betrayed At Every Turn

All my closest friends,

A betrayal, a knife straight to my heart.

Killing me inside in every way.

Left alone and wishing it.

To be left alone and avoid betrayal,

To avoid the hurt pain and suffering.

The knife to the throat at best, the tortured existence and the thrown aside.

Killing me from the inside.

A trusting and kind friend.

All broken the thrown from my heart.

Wishing for death.

Wishing for an end.

Wishing to be spared, of having all dear ripped apart before my eyes.

To be thrown open and chucked to oblivion,

Worse to see the pain caused.

The corrupting plan.

The pained existence of all once hopes for.

All gone in a flash before my eyes. To be roped from the neck, and strung up by those held dear.

To watch the drop and hope for death.

To hope for the end. To have all ripped apart before your eyes.
The plans, hopes and friendships, turned to dust.

Turned to nought and ruin before your being.

Ripped apart.

Wishing the same for yourself.

To be ripped apart, corrupted.

All plans fading into the dust.

All taken away before your very eyes.

The hopes all dashed and destroyed.

The ripping into my flesh,

My bodily prison,

My soul and heart. From those whom I thought cared.

Left with nothing.

An emptiness, waiting, and hoping.

For death. For an end.

Thrown To The Depths

Thrown to the depths,

Of uncertainty and strife.

Left with nothing but fears

Of the oncoming darkness.

The path of loss,

The way unknown and closed off to me.

Unsure about to the world of darkness I am about to be thrown to.

Alone in a world of uncertainty.

In a world of spinning,

Of crazy.

Where my mind is my sole enemy.

The death-grip of worry, the concern,

The flashing before my eyes,

Of what I cannot see, what I want to see.

What I  need to see, to avoid this worry,

To alleviate the suffering.

To make whole what has been broken,

To fix what is uncertain.

To avoid the grip of death,

The paralysis of worry,

To escape the dark depths.

To avoid being drowned in darkness.

To avoid being thrown to the depths.

Where nothing can save me.

Watching As The Leaves Fall

Watching as the leaves fall,

Softly crunching on landing,

Floating forever,

Falling softly and gently.

Further and further.

Down an infinite spiral,

Into the sea of fallen leaves.

The end of a cycle waiting for renewal.

The death waiting for life,

The draining of entropy,

Waiting for something to bring it back to life.

And there I lie,

As the leaves fall,

As the colour fades,

As I close my eyes,

Waiting to drift off,

Among the cold autumn’s breeze.

To be taken away,

Far from here,

Adrift in the leaf’s breeze.

But here I lie,

Watching as the leaves fall,

The world does around me.

The trees fall,

The dead leaves embrace me.

And take me as we drift away.

Watching as the leaves fall.

Left Forgotten

Left forgotten,

Emptying the mind,

Clearing the feelings,

Mind a tabula rasa,

A cold landscape,

Empty and dead.

The cold hand left,

Slipping,

Out into the cold night.

Forgotten and to forget.

Ending forgotten

Left with the cold grasp of night.

The skeletal hand,

The ending embrace.

The sad, empty, loneliness

To leave it forgotten.

To clear the mind,

Numb it cold.

Freeze it out.

Numb it all.

Numb my mind,

And leave it forgotten.

Presence

Presence,

You.

You’re toxic, your unsteady hurtful presence

Like a poison within my skin

A problem to my core,

Push you out,

Expell you terrible presence from me,

From my life.

I expell you from my life.

You are dead to me.

You are death to me.

You eery presence,

Darken my day

Freeze my soul

Cloud over my mind.

I expell you. You and your toxicity. The putrid presence you bring into my life.

That Box

Left with that box of pills,

Incapable,

Inescapable,

Empty, hurt, broken, dead, death.

All awaiting a simple step. My one path.

One I want, but cannot take.
Please take me.

Please.

Please leave me be.

Please give me life.

Please take mine away from me.

One I do not deserve.

One I do not need.

Do not want.

Please. End my eternal suffering.