Walking Away From Pain

Watching, walking,
Walking away from pain,
Looking at what is horrible in people,
Seeing, despite how hard I try.
Sometimes people are just horrible.

A hard fact to swallow,
As I hope for,
What I cannot see.
A pained song,
I listen to and watch.
See their pain,
I tried,
When noone else did.
To help,
To try to see, help,
But now I walk away.
Uncaring.

It’s one of those things,
When the hurt, hurt.
A lack of care,
Kindness,
In all those times.

Something I never wanted to do,
To walk from another’s pain.
A lesson to learn, and learn again.
People being horrible,
Some have a call, a call for help.
But no matter the try.
Some have taken this hurt,
As their mantle, as their creed,
As their infliction.

For some,
The need to walk away,
To turn a blind eye to suffering,
Trying, had tried,
Wasted my time trying to help.
Believing in goodness, kindness,
Only to see it absent.
Something I didn’t want to believe.

I,
Trying in place,
Having to own,
The failure to help,
A failure through the trying.

Riping.
Your self from self,
To fill,
Yourself, witj anger and pain.
To watch it all burn.

Knowing,
You’ve tried.
All you could.
As you turn away,
Watching it burn from behind.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them wallow,
Knowing you tried,
But were pushed away,
While asked not to go.

Pain is yours,
And yours to keep.
No more will I try,
No more will I vicariously pain,
Trying to help.

The hardest choice to make.
To leave another,
To the fires, flames and pain.

Walking away from pain,
Letting them, get consumed by flames.
As I walk, turn, Knowing I tried.
A choice I’ve fought at every turn,
But now must give in.


Thinking, angry, been an alright day, mixed, but thinking of humanity, how it’s so horrid, hurtful. Thinking of a recent hurtful person. Also of how everyone thinks, how is everyone often so content with leaving another? Letting them to pain. General gossip I hear, reminds me of this all the time. But I kind of get it now. Myself having to realise that some people are just horrid with no way around it.

A hard thought to process as, there’s no benefit to being hurtful, being a dickhead. But. I shouldn’t feel bad for leaving those kinds of people, to wallow in pain, the depths of their hell.

Just thinking of all those nights, staying up, even before work early just to make sure my friend was okay, chatting, letting them vent, trying to help, trying to be kind. And then yeah, kindness offered in life is rarely returned.

So I shouldn’t feel bad, angry maybe, but not sad for leaving them to pain. Not hurt, for wanting to help, not gonna hurt just to help. People don’t care and don’t deserve the same. Some people just need to be left to rip their own world apart. I give up trying to help.

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Path To Be Seen

There It is,
The path that is to be seen,
Amongst the unknown,
I can find.
I can be.

Not knowing my path,
Finding a knowing,
One that sets me free.

Seeing the world,
Seeing its normalcy,
Content,
Being and to be set free.

A path seen,
Amongst its lack of clarity.
The place found.

Finding and set free.
Set free by the casual.

Finding to be.

As the world,
Rings out.
Its confusion,
Trying to find a path,
Make a trek,
Finding,
A path,
To find,
To be,
Me.

Let it all.
Just be.
Letting it ring past.

Amongst the calm night.
It is, let be.
As I, let it be.


It’s been a good day, did a lot of photography, sorted plans for more and plans for doing my own independent research and as one of my lecturers suggested, sending a revised and added-to essay I wrote for them to a journal. Don’t have enough time, but as always I’ll make time. Also my best friend, we chatted a little today, and I’m looking forward to spending their birthday with them!

Just wrote a comment on my favourite photographer nearby’s social media.

My true aim is, to capture beauty in normalcy. Not having to go somewhere exotic or far away, you can find beauty, inspiration and pristine bliss wherever you are. You just have to look. Even if it is hard, you just have to let your mind look.

The World As It Goes

The world as it goes,
The times and flow.

Memories of old.

As it all flows,
Empty,
Turning to dust,
As I walk on through the desert.

Cold with the touch of night.
Only to walk on,
Being me,
True.

Knowing the path,
Walking it,
Only in the being.
For,
The time being.

A path,
Laid out years in advance,
Boredom from the knowing,
Seeing before seen.
Always,
This overthinking.

Now in being,
Trying,
And making.

A world,
Boring to the mind’s touch,
Everything, so bland.

Anything to try,
Keep occupied.

In the manufactured loss.


Been an okay day, lots of photography, thinking of my best friend tbh, who I owe so much to. But also just generally pondering.

Sadness

Restless and exhausted,
Tired of it all,
Wanting to give up,
To rest.

Hurt by humanity too many last times.

Sadness,
Another time hurt,
By humanity lies.

The broken pieces sing their sad song,
Sad songs,
Too many times broken,
The pieces have no fit.

The world, no reason.
Sadness grasps,
Life, a poison running through my veins.

Until it stops.


Day started shit, gotten a little better. Maybe even good. But this goodness, always reminds me, a mere ignorance of all the shit. What I always learn to ignore and it bites me.

Only good thing that happened today really was seeing a lecturer who encouraged me to add to and update an essay I wrote for them and to send it to a journal.

Let the Beauty Cut Deep

Beauty, in the cut,
Running so deep,
Dripping in its time,
Rage and happiness through pain, Raging in life through the difference,
Beautiful, pain,
rage and happiness.

Pain and raging,
Happy in defiance,
Pain in it all,
Rage to extinguish,
All other pain,
And to smile.

Life so bloody,
My life laid to bare,
Beautiful in rageing pain,
Existing beautiful rage.
Complete pain.
To tear so deep.
Yes this is me.
To replicate my feelings,
Anger, hurt and pain,
To rip, cut and tear.

To pry from bone,
Rip my mind,
Tear at life.

Beauty of the pain,
coming and coming,
Always coming and expected.
Only to tear and enjoy the pain.

To rage and hurt.
To feel and keel over,
Smiling as I,
Fall bloody on the fall,
Hahaha as it all goes on.

Ripping all I can to forget the pain.
To forget the pain.
And enjoy,
Inflicting what I’ve stopped from others.

Pain suits me,
Hell suits me,
Pain of it all,
Let hell rage and flow over,
Letting the pain take over,
Letting the pain, rage through,
Letting the overflow.

Rage at what is known,
Letting what is known,
Rage through,
Fires bright.

Conversations of the past,
You know nothing of pain,
Poison of breathing,
Rage and death in feeling.
Breaths of killing,
Pain and death in living.

Fuck all this shit.

All of it,
Let it rage while I die.

All the shit comes,
Knowing from a mile away,
Knowing.
Humanity’s shit,
Its stench,
Its living, a hell it does not know.

Dying inside from the stench,
Living as in the horrific,
The humanity,
Raging in my own death.

Death of living.

Beauty of the pain cutting deep.

Let it all,
Rot in hell,

Raging against the decay,
What others, call life.

Hateful of being,
What others inflict,
Calling living.

Lies of humanity’s living.

Of being,
The lies and horrific needed for living,
Being and festering.

To rage and show I exist,
To let know.
To just let know.

Beauty found in pain.
Pain of the lies
Told just so,
Pain bringing forth the rage,
Rage to being,

To living as dying,
Beauty within,
Rage for the beauty of pain.

Still There

Still there,
A reminder of those times,
A time of life,
Remembering those memories,
As the feelings of euphoria have faded into time,
Fades but remembering the bliss,
In such a silly, casual moment,

Memories,
Even from afar,
Small moments,
Of abnormal normalcy,
Sweet,
Reminders,
Message goodnight,
Up late chatting,
Remembered in the time.

Hoping for the best,
A time of life,
Times being,
Yet not pretending,
Even with nervousness.

The beauty of the landscape,
The night sky before me.
As the day comes yet again.

The pull of beauty in the landscape,
A reminder,
Finding,
Losing oneself in it all.

In it all,
Worth another step,
The journey on.

Still there,
In those memories and reminders,
A future brighter,
Casual normalcy,

Moments lost,
In a new place,
Brought to,
By beauty,
And the time.
Of all those times,
The moments.

Uplifting and life-bringing.
Letting me be,

In casual normality,
I write, I capture,
Content.

Trials To Face

Trials faced,
And to face,
Shouting into the night,
The will,
To bring forward.

Dragging all the pieces if need be,
Summoning rage within,
Against all that is wrong,
To make a mark,
Make my mark.

Kindness and care,
To disregard the pain,
To push aside all obstacles.

To show,
The world of dark flames.
To take a stand,
As the night calls,
Nothing to stop.
Nothing to let the darkness consume.

To take and consume darkness,
To overcome,
To bring the fight to the demons inside.
All with a try.

To bring out and shine,
To let the darkness tremble,
To drown the darkness,
Darkness to fuel resilience.

To stand and let out a light,
To let life shine.


More photography today, feeling better, including the post photo.

Sweet Reminder

Sweet reminders,
Reminders of plans,
Times forgotten,

Easy to forget in the flow of the world,
But to remember,
To remember,
A time ahead,
To look forward to,
Time behind,
To remember.

Thoughts all in place and calmed,
To live and remember,
Through a sweet reminder.


Writing this, thinking back on last night, a sweet friend messaged me out of nowhere and we got to chatting, about all sorts and making more ideas about stuff to do together when they come and visit. It was nice and to be honest brightened up my night. Chatting about all sorts.

Playing This Game

Playing this game,
A game, rules corrupt and unkind.

Having to play their own game to go on.
No matter how I don’t want,
Playing this game.

Rewarding emptiness with.a face turning away,

No time or place,
In a world inkind, uncaring.
No place for kindness given,
Taken and left,
Only until needed once again,
To give what the world doesn’t show,
Waiting in vain,
Hoping for kindness to come,
As I always try,
Only trying to keep true,
Always shown to be useless,
Taken advantage of,
As I walk off the cliff,
Over and over again.

The same scene,
Playing over and over again.

Seeing what always passed,
Expected,
Coldness,
In the world I try.
Warned by so many,
A reminder of the world so cold,
Uncaring in its whole.

Knowing the game,
But having always refused to play.
But I go on,
Only to see and hope it changes.
For kindness, as I always try.
Knowing,
I’m fighting the game itself.
As I try and try,
To change the rules,
To make kindness,
To be,
To try,
And change the rules.

Looking up,
At the star-speckled sky.
Hoping and trying to change,
Through kindness I wholeheartedly give,
Knowing, I fail,
Fail to change.
The mind refusing to surrender,
Keeping on trying.

Playing this game,
Changing up the rules,
Hoping to change,
Showing what is in need.
What everyone wants, hope for,
Small kindnesses,

Always trying,
In a game that’s so tiring,
But I don’t tire,
Hope for the change.


Thinking, last night, was a little rough, only a little. A friend, my friend apologised to me, or kind of, they recognised some stuff they did and how rough it was, the way they treated me. Even my reply, being so used to it, being used, ripped apart.

Chatting today was better so much nicer and they’re coming down to see me and they’re coming earlier and going to a friend’s party with me.

Got me thinking, if I got a penny for every time I’ve been used or wronged then I’d own an island of my own.

Lots of apologies given, they always seem to alien, I’m used to being abused without remorse. Sad. Sad. Upsetting but oh well.

Caring, that’s the problem. Most people, friends and otherwise ask, why bother caring without ensuring I’m paid back. But that’s not me. I do, hoping, kindness can be repaid with kindness while not expected. But that’s not how humans work.

I guess I need to learn the human game, and play humans at their own game.

Had a good day, guess I’m just thinking.

Briefest Glimpses

Briefest glimpses,
Oh the calling of the time,
The world so uncertain,
But certain in knowing,
Defiance against the rage,
The past so dark,
Just for the bright day.

Just trying,
After trying so hard,
Giving up,
On the pain.
Moving past,
Closing that door,
Burning the bridges of my mind.
To renew,
To relight.

Of all the memories,
Corrupted by and through time,
Shown for what they were,
A sight not wanted to be seen.
Just I know.

The pain,
Worth, just to see what wasn’t,
Time, has shone past the lies,
The hurt and the ill-intent.

Just to find peace,
To come to terms.

Of it all,
All paths erased,
Just to find and move past.
Learning from the dark past.

Briefest glimpses,
Acquired through the pain.
Fought and fought,
To find my way,
My way out of the pain.

Just to try,
Mind broken back then,
Seeing clearly now,
A gift from time, from pain and friends.

The world just watched for what it was.
Darkness shown,
Overthrown ideas of what was good,
Revealing,
Pain caused.

Throwing, or trying,
To throw me off from all life,
All from being.

Ridiculed for being.

Now only finding my way,
Out from darkness,
Friends’ care given,
Allowing me to see.

From and with those glimpses,
Giving perspective,
Through pain caused.

Realising,
Being,
Broken only to find the way.