Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

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Fighting The Pain

Fighting the pain,
To be stronger,
To pick up my pieces. Fix them.
Move into the light.
As it recedes away.
And on I fight.

Better than I was before.
Trying to keep the fight.
Fight for me.

Fighting the pain as it comes my way.
Winning the fight for me.
As it grasps hold.
I fight.

The demons show their face,
Out of the prison I confined them.
To show me their ugly face.

On I must fight.
I know the cause.
Know the next step.
On I must fight.

A fight for my future,
Fight for my day.
Fight for me.
Tears running down my cheek,
Determination at my sleeve.
Knowing the struggles ahead.
I will win.
As I’m fighting the pain.


Don’t worry, just having a bad night. Overthinking is the cause. Haven’t had one like this in a while.

It’s okay, I’ll fight through. I’m not going back to where I was before. Never again. I’m much stronger.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Unfeeling Pain

The unfeeling.
The pain that comes.
“Not good enough”.

The pain that comes,
Always from the meeting,
Bliss amazing,
But shrouded in pain.
Pain from the past.

Pain I wished I could shed.
Hardening myself.
From pain.
From the hurt.

My only response.
Unfeeling in my pain.
To cope.

Trying.
Trying so hard it breaks me.
Hurts me.
Wish I could be better.

The only response I know is unfeeling of the pain.
The unfeeling in the face of great pain.
Pain and wanting to be better.
But constantly hurt.

Only unfeeling in the face of pain.
This unfeeling pain.

Finding Me

Finding me,
The figure standing in the pass,
The dark path ahead to navigate.

The stormy seas within my mind,
Sadness drowned out by the walk.
My path, my aim.
My only way out.

Loss, a familiar friend.
Of everything.
Friends of a time.
People I have to let go.
Others I escape.

The passing,
Moving,
On.
Into the darkness.

Upset at the lonely path I walk.

But walking with an aim in mind.

Wishing for company,
But for now I walk.

The lonely figure in the midst of night,
The star-speckled night sky.

People massing,
Time flowing.
Thoughts remaining.

An linear oblivion.

An existential pathway.

Finding me on this path.
Alone, wanting company.

But for now I go on.
Finding me.

Sad Realisation

The feeling,
Dropping through your heart,
Displacing it,
Throwing it out of centre.
Throwing me out of place.

My mind thrown from the ledge I created.
My tower I built,
Crumbling before me.

Throwing me out of place.
My sad realisation.
Dropping through my stomach.
A sadness, claiming worth.
A sadness stating place.
Solidifying its base.

The mind throwing itself into circles,
My mind trapped in a maze.
Sad at falling for the trap of my own creation.
My own believing.
Thrown.
Having to go on.

Blind to my own realisation,
The one hitting me now,
So great.
Striking down the walls of my own thinking.
The foundations eroded.

All to do is to look up into the sky.
Getting absorbed in oblivion, in existence.
The void,
The existence.
A world formed before my eyes.
Taken away, ripped apart.
Before my eyes.

My own trickery,
Coming back to haunt me.
As I suspected it might.
To good for truth.
A time, an illusion.

A sad realisation for me.
My sad realisation.
The uncovering to be expected.
What I was blind to see,
Knowingly or otherwise?
Realisation hitting me.
Throwing me,

Oh this sad realisation.
The moment.
Turning in my mind.

A moment,

The sad realisation.

Holding Onto the Thoughts As I Feel Them Fade

Holding onto the thoughts as I feel them fade,
Fade away,
And off into the distance.

The memory, not in substance but feeling,
Feeling and meaning.

Offensive thought,
Fearful of the fading,
Afraid of losing the feeling,
This bliss.
Wanting to remember,
Grasping hold.

As I feel them fade.
Holding onto the thoughts.
Never letting go.
Remembering the feelings, the bliss and freedom.
How the feelings stay,
Yet also fade,
When I grasp hold, trying to remember.

To hold close,
And not let go.
To the feeling I encountered,
I felt,
I held,
The light bursting through all the darkness.

How I find myself holding on,
To hold close,
The feelings I found,
Even if they are only a happy lie.
I hold on,
In hope, passion and care.

Holding onto the thoughts and feelings,
To slow the fading.
To hold close those memories,
The deep care,
To avoid the fading into afar.

The Lonely Silence Of The Dark

Lonely silence of the dark,
The dark days gone past,
Those yet to come,

Waiting for those light days, the ones to look forward to.
To hope for,
To live for.

When the darkness of the night is all around,
With silence as the figure lurking in the dark.
The depths of night.
An impenetrable shroud;
Thick, dark, all-consuming.
Suffocating at a touch.

The feeling of life,
The memories returning,
But only for a time.
The deep sadness,
To accompany the lonely silence of the dark.

Out Of Mind

Out of mind,
I hide the feelings,
Scared of where they could take me,
Offered care and kindness.

Trying to keep the pain out of my mind.
To keep in the happiness,
A game of pretend,
To ignore my mind and emotions.
The pain that comes with darkness.
The shining light, that echoes in the darkness.

The mind, clouded with worry, sadness and uncertainty.
Trying to push all feelings out of mind.
Trying to save myself from my demons.

An attempt to hold strong against the dark.
To keep the leeches at bay.
To wipe my mind,
To save the body.

Out of mind is the answer,
Or it must be,
The solution I face,
Only way past it.

Out of mind.
To cope, to save me.

Rift

Rift running deep,
Evicerated by the thoughts.
Turmoil of emotiness,
The rage in the quiet.

The silent darkness,
Walking through the dark alone,
The darkness my home.
Defiant and strong.
The rage my instrument

Thinking of time.
Confined to the mind.
Emptying out my pain.
Filling it with rage,
Turning it empty.

Myself, a dark night,
Dimly lamp-lit.
A figure stabdibg on the corner.

Silently watching,
Everything let go.
The darkness, the silence and emptiness all a familiar friend.

Friends unfamiliar,
Living without seeing.
Unable to help regardless.

A confusing state,
This rift.
Rift of mind,
Rift of sight,
Of being and of thinking.

Left to the black emptiness.
Somehow tricking myself into and out of feeling.

An emptiness without sadness,
Without happiness.
Mere being.

Sad words to others,
For me, a state i understand,
A state i cannot feel,
This rift within me.