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Moment of panic

A moment of panic,
The realisation.
Paralysed,
Vision, gone to a tunnel.
Down a spiral, a moment of fright.
From the realisation that I hoped would not come.

Memory gone to blank.
A moment of panic.
Breathing hard.
Moment blank.
Heart falling heavy.

And on the fall.
On the drop.
Falling for a moment.

Lost and falling.
The moment all-consuming.

Only for but a moment.
A moment. Of panic.


Writing this after a brief but intense moment of panic. My breathing raced, heart beat out of my chest, my vision constricted to a tunnel.

Like opening Pandora’s box and finding unexpected shock. Something to destabilise me.

I have had an amazing day and this one thing threatens to bring be down to a lowest, but I’m fighting back, at least for the day to be over, ended on a happy note.

This thing’s just broken me, but I don’t know if it’s irrational, or not. Enough of this though, only one way to find out where this goes.

So glad this realisation happened on a good day. An absolutely fucking brilliant day. I’m determined to see past it and go on happy. Don’t know about tomorrow.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

My Realisation

My realisation,
My awakening.
The knowing.

The pain and heartache,
The happiness and bliss.
The realisation.
My pain.
Also happy.
Confused realisation.

Sad acceptance.
Continued path.
Off and onwards I march forward.
Into the bright unknown I have built for me.

Sad existential angst.
The heartache,
Ever-present but controlled.
Controlled but felt.
Felt but buried.

How I reconcile,
The unknown next step I’ll handle.

Burying,
Both the most dear,
And the most hurtful.

A golden time.
Clinging onto the bright horizon.
Even faced with the dark storm.

My realisation.

Unfeeling Pain

The unfeeling.
The pain that comes.
“Not good enough”.

The pain that comes,
Always from the meeting,
Bliss amazing,
But shrouded in pain.
Pain from the past.

Pain I wished I could shed.
Hardening myself.
From pain.
From the hurt.

My only response.
Unfeeling in my pain.
To cope.

Trying.
Trying so hard it breaks me.
Hurts me.
Wish I could be better.

The only response I know is unfeeling of the pain.
The unfeeling in the face of great pain.
Pain and wanting to be better.
But constantly hurt.

Only unfeeling in the face of pain.
This unfeeling pain.

Final Goodbye

The memories,
The little moments,
Most casual chats,
All, being nice.
Those little things.

Never seeing how others see you.
I, always wanting to help.
But it kills me inside.

My biggest fear,
Realised, in seeing you again.
But totally worth it.
You are, believe it.
But I must stop.

You’ll never know,
Never see,
How much I want to hang out.
How this question within my mind,
Bringing dread and confusion.
Weighing on my mind constantly.

What I want most,
You to be happy, healthy and moving on to a bright future.
Wishing I could be there,
But knowing, I shouldn’t.
No matter how much I want.

Having to hate you,
To save me from feelings of care.
Ashamed and hurt by this end.
But no other path before me but relentless pain.

I’m sorry.
Like you will never understand.
To my core,
But given tough choices,
A step must be taken.

Having to tear apart the best parts,
Of us hanging out.
Finding the worst,
Holding them, as if they were the only.
Will be for the best.

Me to move past,
You to work on more important things.


Wrote a while ago and found the draft of this, I poem I like and also don’t. It’s complex. Not feeling too down right now, not as much as this shows, but… it’s meaningful and was hurtful when I wrote it. Not the same as it’s published date. Wasn’t sure about publishing it.

The Warm Glow

A warm glow beneath,
The love, the care,
Against the adversity,
The doubt.
I remain,
To bask in the warm glow,
In the face of the realisation,
The hallucination.

Basking in this warm glow,
My feelings underneath,
Warm and glowing as the embers drift off,
Drift away into the cold dark.

I still remain,
Sit here clinging onto the last remains of a fire fading into the dark.
Through realisation,
Through revelation,
Being left to oblivion.

I cling on to the last bits of this flame.
Gaining strength from the warmth,
Empowered by the light.
Trying to keep it lit.

The memory to keep it going.
The lie as a necessary key.
To myself,
To keep.
The fire burning.
To keep hold of the warm glow.

Hoping to reignite the flame🐇,
The bonfire to-be.
The future lit by the bright flame,
Enough to put the Sun to shame.

Until the light returns,
I keep,
I shelter it,
Keep hold of if.
To keep it lit.
To keep it from the cold dark.
To make it through.

To give it new light.

I am here,
Remaining,
In warmth,

Holding onto the flickering light.
Protecting her,
This flame.
Against the oncoming cold depths of darkness.
Holding her, away from the cold.

Until it passed,
She reignites,
The flame turns into a bonfire,
To light the darkness,
Turn the cold, hot.

Until this time,
I remain,
Sheltering this warm glow.
Protecting with all I have,
All I can.

Sheltering this warm glow.

Sad Realisation

The feeling,
Dropping through your heart,
Displacing it,
Throwing it out of centre.
Throwing me out of place.

My mind thrown from the ledge I created.
My tower I built,
Crumbling before me.

Throwing me out of place.
My sad realisation.
Dropping through my stomach.
A sadness, claiming worth.
A sadness stating place.
Solidifying its base.

The mind throwing itself into circles,
My mind trapped in a maze.
Sad at falling for the trap of my own creation.
My own believing.
Thrown.
Having to go on.

Blind to my own realisation,
The one hitting me now,
So great.
Striking down the walls of my own thinking.
The foundations eroded.

All to do is to look up into the sky.
Getting absorbed in oblivion, in existence.
The void,
The existence.
A world formed before my eyes.
Taken away, ripped apart.
Before my eyes.

My own trickery,
Coming back to haunt me.
As I suspected it might.
To good for truth.
A time, an illusion.

A sad realisation for me.
My sad realisation.
The uncovering to be expected.
What I was blind to see,
Knowingly or otherwise?
Realisation hitting me.
Throwing me,

Oh this sad realisation.
The moment.
Turning in my mind.

A moment,

The sad realisation.

Holding Onto the Thoughts As I Feel Them Fade

Holding onto the thoughts as I feel them fade,
Fade away,
And off into the distance.

The memory, not in substance but feeling,
Feeling and meaning.

Offensive thought,
Fearful of the fading,
Afraid of losing the feeling,
This bliss.
Wanting to remember,
Grasping hold.

As I feel them fade.
Holding onto the thoughts.
Never letting go.
Remembering the feelings, the bliss and freedom.
How the feelings stay,
Yet also fade,
When I grasp hold, trying to remember.

To hold close,
And not let go.
To the feeling I encountered,
I felt,
I held,
The light bursting through all the darkness.

How I find myself holding on,
To hold close,
The feelings I found,
Even if they are only a happy lie.
I hold on,
In hope, passion and care.

Holding onto the thoughts and feelings,
To slow the fading.
To hold close those memories,
The deep care,
To avoid the fading into afar.

New Finding

Those new findings,
Unexpected and amazing,
To capture the self.

Anything to capture that feeling.
To make anew,
Myself and it all.

Losing sleep in glee.
The amazing moments,
Those unexpected moments
Coming out of nowhere.

How does this new finding
Make anew, the place to be.
A new being.
Unexpected and found.

Totally found.
This new finding,
Unexpected being.

Those times to make you smile,
Unconditionally,
Totally.
Through the new finding.