Do You Know?

Do you know how I feel?
Do you know?
How I feel,
What I think.

Not wanting to hurt someone else,
Through how I feel.
Caring too much,
To ever hurt another.

Those amazing times hanging out.
To merely be there,
In the moment with another.
To care too much for another.

Do you know?
You need space?
You have it.
You need a call?
You have it.

I want to be there,
But also cannot as it hurts.

Hurts but those good times.
Are too good to lose.

Did you know before,
Seeing you with him,
Inviting me along to watch,
To see how you felt with him.
Did you know how I felt?
How it made me feel,
Happy, to see you happy,
Sad that it wasn’t,
Self destructive to keep watching.
All in the past now.

I am better now,
But.
Did you know?
Do you know?

I know,
I feel,
I felt.

Maybe I need to go.
But I don’t want to.
I’m so much better,
That’s the point.

I want someone who cares,
Who is there,
As they’d know I would always be for them.
Who cares.

Do you know?

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Last Good Moment

A last good moment,
Savouring every second of bliss,
The care,
The feeling.

Always hoping for your best,
And in so doing,
Showing mine.

The care,
A last good moment,
Good night,
Seeing you smile,
Lighting up my world.

Cherishing this last good moment.
In my memory.
A beautiful moment,
Many, beautiful moments.

Cherished.
Loved.
Remembered.
Kept.
Beautiful.

Kept.
Along with all those smallest moments.
The small chats,
Sweetest moments.

Some of the best memories,
I have ever made.
Some of the best moments,
I have had the pleasure of living.

Moments that will be missed.
Moments, of everything.
The last good moment.


Written. Night of the 7th December. Leaving to publish later. To see if I can, continue with more than just a memory.

Published night of the 10th, thinking, wondering, more poems for tonight, to ask and try to answer, where am I, what do I feel, what I want to do, what I should do and what do I need to do. With my closest friends saying one thing- my mind too, and my heart telling me the other.

A Goodbye I Am Reluctant to Say

A goodbye I am reluctant to say.
A goodbye, I knew may come,
But never wanted to,
Always put off.

The pain of letting go,
Someone you care about,
Someone whose happiness makes you’re day all that better.

Someone to talk with,
Laugh with.
And smile with.

But what if it’s all based on a lie?
A lie I tell,
To put aside the pain,
For a time.

I never want to hurt you.
That’s the last thing I want.
Maybe I should have said goodbye sooner,
The goodbye I am reluctant to say.
To spare you pain.
Or maybe you will feel none,
I surely hope you don’t.
No matter what I end up feeling.

A care, once given,
Always present,
But only can be from afar.

I care, always do, no matter what I show,
But hating, is the best way to shield from the pain.
The pain of caring.

I feel clear,
Yet also conflicted,
Thinking back the night,
The times all these years,
Remembering all the smallest details,
Just thinking of you.

I must say goodbye,
One I am reluctant to say.
Have always been reluctant to say.
My feelings,
They hurt me so.
While you don’t feel the same.

I understand,
But please leave me to heal,
Let me leave.
Let me live.

This is heartbreaking to say,
And as I type, reluctant.
Thinking of the memories,
Staying,
But the feelings slowly erasing.
I only feel sad.
Sad for my loss.
Loss of a friend,
Loss of a person I care about.

But as you’ve said.
Sometimes you have to let go,
To collect,
To heal,
To move on and be better.

That is what I have to do.
I’ve known for a while.

I have been better than before,
But the feelings won’t fade,
While I’m still around you.
I’ve known that since the start.

You’ll never know how much I cared,
How much I care.
I cannot explain with language.

But no matter,
I must go.
A goodbye, I am ever-so reluctant to say.
That committing the words is difficult.

Never wanting this poem to end.
Never wanting this goodbye to be said.

But seeing no other option.
All my closest friends telling me to get out.
Caring as though they are,
They don’t understand.

The main reason,
For this goodbye I am reluctant to say.
For you to be better,
To be unburdened by pain,
Pain that will come,
Sooner or later.
From my caring heart,
Too big for a single person to hold, but I do.
Wanting you.

To have the best.
Be the best.
And I fear deeply, that this means goodbye.

The goodbye. I am most reluctant to say.


Writing, with thanks to a few close friends, helping me to see what I should have. Helping me out when I needed it.

I had an amazing night with rough parts, sorry to say goodbye. Sorry for that. I always give my best and forget to make myself okay, always putting another first. For if you care about someone, that’s what you do, for a time. But this is totally like that. It is good most of the times, amazing even, but others, it breaks me apart. Even if these feelings are almost all good, I’m sick of lies, sick of trying to convince myself of hope or a lie I do not truly believe but want to.

My favourite quote ever, made by myself, before, thinking of the same person, paraphrasing, it goes like “I would face my demons, just so I could help you face yours”. This holds true. This holds true. But I have come to realise, with this one-way feeling, that I cannot face my demons, without saying goodbye to you, but I’ll always be hoping you face yours and win. Hoping you succeed. Will always be a call away in your time of darkest need. As, I always care, I always will.

Thinking of the singing tonight, the small things you said, how you do not care like I do. That’s fine. But I must get out.
I have deleted the poems written tonight in pain,
Instead to write true from my heart and mind.

Only sad to see it end,
Sad to see it end on this note.
Only hoping for your best.

I can write for hours and not say what I truly feel, what I truly want to say.
But I try.

I have been better recently, so much so, even if my poetry tonight and recently do not show. But, this is why I know I do need to leave. Do need to say goodbye. To avoid a dark place. As I come to realise, you do not care about me like I do you. I don’t have any blame to give. But I need to, find space to live.

I have a christmas present I still want to give, a small something, not about me, or us, but you. Something I hope you’d let me. But I guess that’s to be seen, or not.

Wishing you, the very best, something I know you can and will succeed.
I’m only saddened by the times, to be lost, past and future.
Saddened that I cannot be there to witness, your success.

Even after publishing I do not know if I really want to say this.
But you deserve the truth.
I hope to ever bone not to cause you any pain.
I’d rather anything and everything else.

But in the end,
I guess this is what makes this,
A goodbye I am so reluctant to say.

Written. Night of the 7th December. Leaving to publish later. To see if I can carry on without the saddest goodbye. I do not want to say.

Published, night of the 10th December, a record of how I felt. With recent happenings, chats, amazing times making it all complicated. But also amazing.

Too Much Care

The moment I realise my lie,
Caring too much,
Caring more than I can say.
It being unwanted?
Perhaps.

Caring alone.
Thinking of my past mistakes.
The mistake of me,
Putting in too much care.

Not realising before,

That it wasn’t wanted.

Something I tried not to see.
Because it hurt.
Thinking,
Is it worth it.

Caring when it isn’t wanted.


Overthinking, the past and present, what I should do. Just thinking . Especially when I cannot help.

Don’t worry, it’ll pass, this overthinking. As it always does.

Anything For Your Happiness

Happy,
Seeing you at the bus stop,
Watching you, recede into the distance,
That golden smile on your face.
The memories flashing before my eyes, before my mind.

The hope for you,
Hope for you, to go on,
To see, feel, be.
Only thinking,
No matter what happens,
Seeing you happier,
Makes me smile too,
Even if a happy-sad tear drifts down my cheek.

The moment of sadness, aches,
But in the end,
Knowing that you’re there,
Happier,
Wanting to do anything for your happiness,
Just to see your smile.

Even if a happy-sad tear drifts down my cheek.


Writing this, listening to Happiness by Ed Sheeran. Feeling a little happy-sad, but happy overall, totally happy and ecstatic, but thinking. Love, the feeling, wanting the best for another, being happier, even if a little sad. But overall knowing the person you care about is happier, that matters the most to me.

I know this may sound sad, but it’s not. I’m just listening to a sad song and it resonated with me, got me thinking, and inspired.

I’m stronger, happier than I have ever been. Feeling totally amazing. And I’m not sad. Just totally happy.

Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

Authored Loss

An authored loss.
The finite time.
A inevitable end,
The author to the loss.
Sitting, in bliss.
Knowing it’s to come.

Grasping at every moment,
While it is in the here and now.
For if I blink.
It’ll be gone and missed.
Sorely missed.

My time,
To stop its fade.

An author to the loss.
The loss:
Due to time.

Every precious moment.
Kept and held.

Every small time.
Remembered fondly,
For next, eventually.
Will come the authored loss unto time.

Pain, From A Good Thing

The pain that comes,
From a good thing,
A time of bliss.
A perfect moment shining,
In the ever-precious moment in the present,

Before being lost to the past,
Only kept as a golden memory.

A good thing,
Bringing pain for its temporary loss,
Total bliss in its finite moment,
Hope for the future, and the next…
Perfect moment.

Beautiful simplicity.
In those ever-small moments,
In those ever-cherished times.

A pain, bringing with it hope.
Bringing life.
Bringing another perfect time,
To be made in the future.
Hope for another.

This pain, for a good thing.
Bringing determination,
To make another.

A good pain.
Bringing hope, love and life.
The small pain,
Only for a time.
Bringing hope for what comes.
Bringing determination for a future not-yet made,
To make it my own,
My perfect moment.

To be made.
From a moment of pain, for a good thing.


I’m not in pain or hurt, I’m amazing and happy, happier than I can remember for most of my life with the exception of a few similar moments of bliss. However this happiness is so unusual. It feels like I’m waiting to find out it’s a lie. Or something. Like it’s too good to be true.

When something good comes, you miss it more when it’s gone, even only temporarily, and that’s the pain I mean. How a good thing pains you more in it’s small temporary absence, because, it’s the best of pure bliss.

All I can do is carry on, keep busy and keep my eye on my prize in life; all the achievements and goals I have and will gain as I want them.

Most Beautiful Eyes

The most beautiful eyes,
Puppy-dog, cute.
Pools that absorb me,
Encapsulate me.
Drown me in feeling.

Sad and happy,

Full of feeling,
Gentle and kind.
Oh how so.
So kind,
It so puzzles me.
Leaves me awake thinking,
Trying to forget,
A cheek turning away,
A slow goodbye,
One I do not want.

Oh how so.
Tortured by the feelings,
I both love and hate.
So real.

Yet also hurting.
How I’m there, but at the same time not.

Those beautiful eyes.