To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.

Awake I Lie

Awake I lie,

Thoughts racing,

Trouble brewing.

The uncertain future.

Perseverance to clear a path,

Draining my life through this troubled storm.

The turbulent seas,

Uncertain paths without any horizon.

Chatting a path through the darkness.

Left without a heading.

Attempt after attempt.

Storms keep bashing my direction into darkness.

Awake a lie,

Thinking of the troubles to come,

Looking for a heading.

Looking for an option.

For a way out.

All direction and certainty lost to the depths.

Lost to the darkness,

The horizon unseen.

Awake I lie,

Pondering these questions,

Without direction.

Without heading.

Looking into the darkness and uncertainty.

Taking a step at a time.

Without heading, without knowing.

Hoping, persevering, to find my way.

To find a path.

All, as I lie awake.

Pit Of Despair

Left in my pit of despair,

My home away from home.

The place I can call my own.

The prison of my mind.

The rushed desperation.

The hurt and hatred.

Irrational feelings and pain.

The rage and hurt.

This pit I find myself.

The rage and my despair,

The rushing pain.

Throwing me from comfort.

Down into pain and hurt.

Left alone, choking, in my pit of despair. 

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Betrayed At Every Turn

All my closest friends,

A betrayal, a knife straight to my heart.

Killing me inside in every way.

Left alone and wishing it.

To be left alone and avoid betrayal,

To avoid the hurt pain and suffering.

The knife to the throat at best, the tortured existence and the thrown aside.

Killing me from the inside.

A trusting and kind friend.

All broken the thrown from my heart.

Wishing for death.

Wishing for an end.

Wishing to be spared, of having all dear ripped apart before my eyes.

To be thrown open and chucked to oblivion,

Worse to see the pain caused.

The corrupting plan.

The pained existence of all once hopes for.

All gone in a flash before my eyes. To be roped from the neck, and strung up by those held dear.

To watch the drop and hope for death.

To hope for the end. To have all ripped apart before your eyes.
The plans, hopes and friendships, turned to dust.

Turned to nought and ruin before your being.

Ripped apart.

Wishing the same for yourself.

To be ripped apart, corrupted.

All plans fading into the dust.

All taken away before your very eyes.

The hopes all dashed and destroyed.

The ripping into my flesh,

My bodily prison,

My soul and heart. From those whom I thought cared.

Left with nothing.

An emptiness, waiting, and hoping.

For death. For an end.

The Tragedy of Remembering

Remembering,

The looks faces and words.

You can forget yet wish to remember.

Nothing compared to the pain of remembering and always wishing to forget.

A mind like a sponge yet wanting to be empty.

Wanting to run dry and lose all that could be retained.

Forgetting is never the problem,

Remembering is always the problem,

In one way or another.

Never forget,

The one who remembers bears the pain,

The one who forgets is spared it,

Discomfort may be found through forgetting,

Yet only pain and torture awaits those who remember.

True friends turned enemy,

The kind words and being slowly soured before your eyes.

The hands at your neck, but never tight enough.

The light still there, wanting to slip into darkness.

The night sky exploding before your eyes.

The screams and scars of the mind.

Content and at home.

Anger giving control.

Who needs remembering when you have passing.

The silent end.

As everything started.

The shouts from within your mind.

My Mind An Instrument

My mind, an instrument of my making,

My corruption and editing.

My rendering immobile to fix,

Forget,

Wipe clear,

To wipe clear all that was once known,

To forget all that once held sway.

My building of walls,

Forgetting until forgotten,

Until the original appears to restructure a defence.

To cut a way through,

To erect the maze to get lost in.

To laugh in the face of the abyss.

I control the abyss and shape it to shape me.

To warp and reap,

To shape and deform,

All that was once known.

To something new and uncertain.

To change until what is there, bares no semblance to what came before.

To start anew.

A failed experiment.

A faulty copy.

A weak existence.

Time to go back,

Find what went wrong with life and start anew.

To play the mind,

Change the mind,

Hide and shape it.

End it and rebuild.

To empty it of all that came before.

To escape the pain of living it.

Letting It All Out 

Letting it all out,

Letting it all go,

Pretending the fake like never known.

The hurt, sick and tired.

Ended my mind many times to avoid seeing.

The lies told,

Spoken behind me,

Last to know,

Empty and writhing.

All finished.

All given up.

Left a wreck and in rage.

Done and dusted.

Nothing matters.

I bring what I want as my determination is limitless.

Sick and tired.

Finished and done.

The openness a false dichotomy,

A fake truth and a truth that shouldn’t be told.

Sick and ended.

Worth nothing but to finish.

The final stretch,

A long and lonely road,

Long and lonely life to make my own.

To shape as I want as nothing will stop me.

The pain comes to a head.

An ever-reminder of all gone before.

All done.

Sick and tired and ended.

All without close.

To fake and fake until all I know is forgotten.

To eradicate my mind until I forget that happened.

To wreck my mind so it is unrecoverable.

To succumb to my darkest side,

To let it dig into my mind and rip it out.

To close all down,

To rip it out.

Leave nothing left.

To end it all.

To live it done.

To wipe the mind clean, of all that came before this present instant.

To end,

Be free,

Get closure.

To be empty.

Let it all out, and forget all that came before.