Starving Pain

To rip apart,
To own and be my pain,
To show control and bend my will,
In any small way.

Wanting to rip my abdomen,
To rip and rupture.
To throw a fit.
Control through rage.
Anger seething beneath.
Anger at all the loss,
Loss of control,
Loss of life.

Anger and seething.
Wanting to claw my way into my mind,
Claw my way inside.
To rip apart,
Bit by bit.
To watch it rupture,
To watch it rupture,
To throw it out.
Stamp it out,
And crush it within hand. Crush it with all I have.
To rip,
Show my wrath and rip.
To feel the pain,
Pain briught just to feel,
Pain just so I can.

Tiring I falter,
But bring the body pain,
Such ecstacy,
To feel it,
To feel it rip itself inside to out.
Anger and sadness from one unholy match.
Wanting to rip it from itself,
Rip itself from me.

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Sight-Sudden Panic

Sight-sudden panic,
The sensory input,
The shock,
Mind going thin,
As it all swirls,
Total loss of control.
All is blocked but the panic.

The sudden urges,
Urge to find a solution,
Then to escape.

To jump out the window,
off the boat, into the road.

Panic that kills,
Even a retrospective mind can’t calm,
It can see, but cannot calm,
Can rationalise, but cannot convince.
Stimulus playing and raging,
Again and again,
In my own head,
A shard in my mind,
One that pierces again and again,
Without an end.

Terrible torture from being,
Where a lack of consciousness can escape.

Always looking for the escape.

Hoping only for an escape,
Anything for an escape,
I’ve tried all sorts,
Only to escape,
Purpose, drugs, feelings and experiences, and nothingness.
To numb the mind down.
With few successes,
But they are found, they come at their costs,
Come with their own demons.

Leaving me,
Without an option,
Only to forward what I don’t want to do.
To live, know, feel.
All gone,
Wanting to rip my brain apart,
To take my mind and stamp it out.
Just to stop.
All of which brings torture.

If I must settle a debt with life,
Just take it all,
To settle and get out.
Deeds, costs, worths.


Been a slightly better day, but was exhausted getting home and fell asleep, when I actually needed to go grocery shopping, or photography (to make better use of a slightly better day) or going somewhere new. Didn’t do anything but sleep. Woke up to be slightly sad at this fact, got a lot of tasks done. And now, finishing some tasks a memory, image, realisation, has got me panicking, sinking and falling. It’s hard to explain the feeling of panic, like tunnel vision, within both sight and mind, the mind starts talking, the world blocked out and yeah.

With the recent panic, got me thinking, what my inital thought after my sleep after work, I woke up but wanted more sleep and eventually coaxed myself awake. Why I did, wanting an escape from consciousness. Much like me back in secondary school, at least I had the one thing to wake up to, school and my GCSEs and all other times I slept. It’s painful, as the panic sets in again, repeating over, over, and over again in my mind on repeat. Like a sadistic game.

The more I write, seeing the stimulus to my panic again and again, it taints the whole day, writing this poem, like painting while the colours change within the same stroke.

Was thinking just now, there was something that really made me happy today, I just remembered, having birthday celebrations with some close friends, belated celebrations, some messaged me about it. So looking forward! But. the panic has set in. Even now, I tear up, feeling panic, torture, completely on edge and happy. All at the same time. Heart beating hard. To try to describe, like feeling hungry and full, at peace and in pain, overwhelmed and relaxed all at the same time. It’s just so much, but as always the panic always overrides. Even as I know the cause of this panic, may be offset by why I’m happy.

Doesn’t mind, logic cannot win, the mind will crush itself, I guess like it’s used to doing. Until I get tired and give up.

I know the only way to feel better, but know its a lie I cannot take. So I relegate myself to truthful torture than an illusory happiness. Such is life.

Deteriorating World

Left watching,
The world’s slow deterioration,
A crumbling of the fabric of everything.
A slow death,
A coming end.

As it moves towards conclusion.
A end coming,
Breaking apart before conclude.
Before a finality.
All to do but watch, with sadness,
Gazing upon, a crushing end.
As it all falls apart,
I stand watching,
Waiting,
Waiting for a breaking point,
Watching for the rupture.
Sadness grips me,
As it all slips away.
All pushed apart,
All crushing under the weight of it all.

Loss just consumes me,
With no way out,
No other way out.
Watching the world like a ghost.
Unsure about anything.
It all,
Breaking upon the weight of it all.

I can’t,
Standing here but can’t,
Do nought but watch it all,
Fall apart,
Crushed.

Flogging myself along a path,
Trying not to fall further and further behind.
But it tires me,
Trying to move along,
In the dark,
Without any direction or light.
I am stuck.
Am lost.

With nothing that can be done,
During this deteriorating world.


Sad, same stuff as I was writing about last night, even the one thing that can give me hope or happiness I have to see, have to see it as a lie or an illusion. Leaving me just giving up.

Curse my Autism to hell, leaving me in pain. Constant pain.

Existing In Emptiness

Existing in emptiness,
This unsettling existance,
An emptiness true and sad,
Breaking apart,
Leaving empty,

Leaving nothing to matter,
Nothing to be,
Disassociating from reality,
Wishing and waiting.
Feeling like death,
The pain caused by existence,
Not feeling,
Being without place.

It all feeling disassociative,
Place not to find,
All meaningless,
Where it is all empty,
Hurtful and breaking.

Leading to a rupture,
A break and hurt.

It leaves me,
Hurts me.
Tears my mind apart,
With the war of trying,
Undermining it all,
As it all breaks apart in place,
Tearing me all apart.

My whole existence, a painful lie,

An emptiness,

Always there, just the lie told too sweet.

I give up. Give up the lie that suffocates me.

That chains and cuts me,
Beats me senseless,
Rips and ruptures.

Leaving me nothing,
A broken mess,
Having tried.
But. Broken.
Everything. Broken.


Been writing this for like 2 days. My mood has been terrible. Wrote on my Moodtrack and it explained things, I overall have lost everything, nothing feels anymore. I had aspirations to do research. That now seem impossible. I’m more alone than ever. Most friends have gone, the few I have are leaving soon. I don’t ever really get to meet anyone new so my friends are getting fewer, fewer and fewer. I’m panicking thinking about this right now. Panicking as this is all true. My head is about to burst. Just so scared. I used to feel, care, and all now is empty. I have achieved more than I thought I ever could and achieving has only brought about the realisation of it being all a lie I was working towards and I have no idea, no clue, even photography I’m not sharing, I’m getting less and less motivated to go out and it has less and less of an impact positively on my mood.

It’s all burning up.

I feel like death, but stuck in place.

All these fears, all these worries. Eating at me. I can only ignore the fears for so long. Spending all my brainpower just to ignore. I’m getting less and less able to hide them under a facade around my friends and people I know. It’s all coming to a tipping point. Everything feels like nothing, with no way out and all I can do is hope I don’t wake up.

I can’t take it. I can’t. I can’t. It’s breaking me apart. Everything. Why. Just everything.

Wrecked

Wrecked as it all crashes,
Beaten, broken and wrecked.
In the mind,
Seething and raging,
Wanting to let the rage out.

To stop the facade of calm,
Every action, tinged with inaction.
Broken and falling.
Through and out of it all.

Wanting to burn my every path,
Leaving one.
To make me choose.
Make me fight,
And make me take the fight to my mind.
To burn it all down.
To make it bend,
To my own will.
Through flame and sword,
Hunger, pain, sadness and torture.
To break my will,
To break it all apart from its making.

Anger, at every little thing.
Trying to break.
Trying to thrash,
Wanting to let it all alight.
Break every bone in my body.
Breaking every thought within my head.

Breaking every ounce of strength.
Breaking it all.
Just want to break it all.
Leave me with nothing else.

Please Make It Stop

Please make it stop,
Take it all away.

I do not want this, Never asked for it.
A pain, so deep.
Existence futile,
Yet chained beneath.

How it forces me to wait and watch,
When all I want is to pass through, pass by.
I beg, beg, beg and beg,
Until there is nothing left to beg for.

Maybe then, after all these years,
It’ll finally be gained, earned, given.


Woke up after a nap. Still in pain. Still hate everything, still can’t feel happiness as my mind immediately kills it when I try, while I see the small ray of light.

The worse thing, I can see the happiness, it is out of my grasp, it is there and I can se, can feel before being hit back into reality, hit back into fearing. Another day to come, another time to wait. More pain as always, just waiting for it all to end.

Fear of Happiness

How the fear takes hold, makes, warps every decision.
Breaks apart the mind.
Takes apart. Life.

The feeling

Thinking and swirling, mind out of control.

Pain, sharp and piercing,
A flame burning,
Blistering within my mind,
Wrapping around and smothering.

Breaking me from inside.
Throwing me into the dark sea of sadness.
Lost without anything.

As I try, and I try and try.
Waves crashing and stopping me dead.
As I try and tire,
It throws me, just throws me overboard.
Losing all the energy,
Just throws me, into a sea of anxiety.

Even now, I feel my mind,
Trying in vain,
To find happiness, I see the thoughts, but they’re swatted away, feared.

A mind, not my own.
As the demons have returned, stronger,
In that they control the escape,
They control the ship’s steering.
They block the view of any other way.

They tear, rip and shred.
Uncaring the demons torture.
They rip my mind apart.

Left with nothing,
But hoping for an escape,
Any path to take.
Anxiety getting too great.

Anxiety;
Over the fear,
Over happiness,
Over the fear of happiness,
Over the past and how it’s caused this.

Clawing at the sides,
Of this well as I drown,
So dark down here inside,
Seeing no outside.
Pitch black. As I fall down and down.

It all, getting all too much.
All too much.

I cannot stand.

I cannot stand it all,
Cannot stand anything.
Cannot stand the pain and anxiety,
How my mind fights itself and fights me.
How it corrupts and rips apart at my insides.

I want to feel happy,
Want to try,
Thinking even now,
After all this.
A small inkling of happiness,
I know, where to place my mind to find it.
But everytime.
My mind also shuts it down.
Shuts it out.
I see, I want to try.
But again, always, my mind is shutting it out.
Fearful, fearing, and avoiding.
Corrupting. Tiring.

It takes these small moments,
And it hides them,
Showing them as false,
Showing them to be illusions.
Showing nothing in the way forward.

How I want to try and hold,
What little hope,
I see it, off in the distance,
Even now, I smile slightly, at the thought.
Knowing it’ll be shut down.

But.

Hold onto the thought.
Hold onto the memory.
No matter the scars,
It holds me to life,
Keeps my attention,
Makes me feel life,
Onwards looking at it as it drifts,
Into the distance.
What a little, simple, ray of hope.

Even if it will be extinguished,
I’ll hold onto the thought, for just a little while.


Been on the verge of breakdown all day, sad and thinking, my birthday always causes me sadness, don’t want to do anything for it. Sad and thinking, spiralling out control. Sad. Thinking about me. Thinking about everything. Not tired but exhausted with everything. Sad about everything, so tired at work, so much I want to do but no time. Thinking and thinking. Always. Hopes, future, a crush and all sorts of shit. All bringing me down. And me helpless to try. Just exhausted. Sick and tired. My brain, seeing every bit of happiness and trying to crush it before getting hurt, or fearing getting hurt, scars of the past I guess. Scars I thought healed, forgot, over but the glass still cuts in my arm. The shard still in my mind.

So much I want to do in so many areas of my life, but too exhausted to try anymore. I have hope, but my mind crushes it, stops it, fears trying. I hope, I want to try, but so exhausted, so fearful it’s paralysing. I’m so done with everything and want it all to stop. Just want it to stop.

Tired of the constant pain. Anxiety. Fears. Emptiness and feeling.

I feel dead but unfortunately not, don’t like to say, but wish it true.

Funny how feeling can bring everything yet also take it away, at the same time.

Feels like PTSD of the past, causing me to fight happiness, to fear it, to put a stop to it. It’s a new feeling, one I cannot explain for the life of me. Cannot understand. It feels like a war inside my mind, one I’ve already lost. Fearing. Always fearing. Fearing life.

Hate it. All decisions, made for me, from the past. All fear. All hatred and hurt. Just hating. Wanting change. But all paralysed.

Any small happiness, for the smallest moment, and seeing, and then, I feel it, the slap within my mind, as it stops it dead. Replacing it with emptiness, or worse, depression. Unable to feel happiness in this state. The mind trying, and then slapped aside. The war going on within my mind, like its own entity, that I cannot even move, or shape, or try.

It’s sad, I’ve not been in this state or pure sadness in a long time, but it’s different, it’s different, this is one, not affecting general mood (although it is too) but affecting the movement of a mood from that state.

Been writing this on and off for many hours now. I don’t know. The little ray of hope, what makes me smile, even despite all this. I try. Try to hold on, to hope, to feel. I know it’ll be crushed. But I’ll hold onto it for a little bit. Before it goes.

Brought Back To Life

All my loves in life,
Creating, making anew through images my own.
Giving me, peace in the mind.

And then.
Sadness,
As I’m brought back to life.

Pain,
Rushes back,
Ripping out my heart.

An escape,
Made not to last,
Not to be real.

As it all hurts,
Breaks.

I just want,
An escape from my,
From my mind.
To tear me from,
Leaving me unconscious,
Breaking me from,
An addiction to a lie,
A lie that, it’ll get better sometime.
A lie told,
To battle hard,
To overcome the next hurdle as it’ll come, a time,
When I can live,
Be free from my mind.
Be happy in life,
Rather than waiting for it to stop.
Patiently I wait,
For one end or another,
An end to the pain, or just an end.

A sad set of affairs,
As I lie,
Thinking,
Trying but stopping,
As it’s all the lie.
A lie I tell.

But I am stuck.
In a terrible rut.
Just waiting, Not knowing what to do,
Just wanting to do nothing,
Having lost life.
Lost meaning.
Just wanting an escape,
An escape from being brought back to life.


Went to do a little bit of photography again today, late, and mostly location scouting. After packed up and heading home. Was thinking why I love photography and it makes me feel better. Even if only during it.

It’s an escape from life, from living, from thinking, keeps me occupied. Until after, when I’m brought back from life. Don’t know why I feel terrible in general, stuff is okay, more stable than in many years, living in a place I like, all sorts of stuff. Finally have a hobby, since primary school I never had one.

Why I like photography reminded me, back to primary school through to secondary, I was addicted to video games for the same reasons; it was an escape from life, from my mind, got me thinking but not about life, but a puzzle. My childhood wasn’t that bad. So what’s wrong with my mind. Where what’s worst, is being brought back from life.

Broken Lies

Broken lies,

Exhaustion great,

How I try to escape,
To break from my body and be free.

From a life of pain, emptiness and broken lies.

How it breaks you,.
Or leaves you to break yourself.

How it tortures you,
Or leaves you to watch yourself crack.

Back to childhod,
Praying everynight for death to find me, Biting my skin till drawing blood.
Wishing for an end.

From then?
I have lost the reason,
The outcome basically the same.

Broken lies we tell ourselves,
Life only through belief in them.
Seeing causes the break, the rupture.

Lost like before, but with no reason to try.
Again as before,
Just waiting, waiting without end in sight.
Such a poor sight,
Like watching a puppy drown,
A child hit by a car. But at least the end is in sight.

But they may not see it, may nit have lost this lie, and thus they hold back from it.

While torture opens eyes.

Body tired, stomach hungry, but the mind has no motivation to move,
Just thinking “I want”, and countering “but why”.
And left in limbo it stays,

No energy to do, to think, to live.
Like many years ago, I remember clear,
Life consisting of a routine, school then sleep, then dinner alone and then sleep. Repeating on and on.

Today been the same, without school and a purpose and without eating with no motivation.

Sleep kills my consciousness,
It breaks me briefly free,
From life and living,
Temporarily.

I have tired,
Being broken again and again,
So tired of all the broken lies,
That have struck me and struck me and struck.
I am tired of all this being.
Sick, of living a life of broken lies.


Slept all day today, work was exhausting, as soon as I got home at 4 I slept and pretty much slept through until 4am minus the time to write this. Haven’t even eaten. So exhausted.

Wanted to do photography, been wanting to for a week, but have been so exhausted and lacking motivation or ideas.

I have lost. Feel broken. Lost motivation and reason. I can’t find a reason for anything. I really can’t. Depression hasdby been this bad since secondary school where I slept all day everyday apart from school. I worked hard. And I slept totally. Now it’s the same but work instead of school. So tired I’d rather not. So tired.

Not really seen sunlight all day, been asleep.

At least asleep my mind doesn’t think, I’m at peace, numb and oblivious to the world. The closest I can unfortunately get to not being of the world.

Life is pain. When there is nothing left, for anything.

I was happy when I thought I had come across something that seemed for a long while to cure my Autism, did so for like 35 hours. But was too good to be true, should’ve guessed.

Rage Seethes Deep

Rage seethes deep,
Exhaustion so complete,
That a day’s sleep cannot fix.

Pain runs forth,
Rage flows deep.
Hatred of it all.
Raging,
In my sleep and wheb awake.
Nothing but for sleep.
To silence a raging furor.
Settled and true in conviction.
An animal with nothing left to give,
Nothing left to settle,
Nothing to calm,
Or to lose.

Raging in the mind.
Only calming through the rage by confining it to the mind.
Letting it run free,
In the particular spheres.

As the cage unravels.
As the cage breaks apart,
Nothing but hope to prop it up.
Keeping the confines alive.

Fixing a tsunami after its commence.

To hide and hope the confines hold.
Ripping and wrathful.

An animal beaten,
Tearing at the cage,
Ripping at its captor within the mind.

Blinded by rage,
Unable to see,
To see forth.

The rage deep,
The rage setting free,
Showing,
As the chains strain.

The calm of the facade,
To help keep,
To help keep.

As the flood walls break,
To rebuilt while bricks,
Are torn from.
Knowing,
More blocks are ripped than can be places.

Seeing the path,
The projection,
Pessimism sets in,
Like stopping a reactor after it’s gone.

All come to a tilping point,
All come to a meltdown.
To a breaking point,
To self. Ripped to,
Ripped from.
Ripping apart,
As the pain,
Tastes so sweet,
Letting go and having lost.
Losing. Losing.
Calmness faked,
Faked to keep the facade,
The cage in check.
The best rupturing,
Wrecking.
Ripping.

Raging to a tire.
Pain all over the body and mind,
In totality.
The rage.
So deep.
Exhilirating in the dark pain.

Rage seething deep,
The loss of control.
Building frantically,
Cage after cage,
Only hoping to keep.
To hold and to keep.