To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.

Awake I Lie

Awake I lie,

Thoughts racing,

Trouble brewing.

The uncertain future.

Perseverance to clear a path,

Draining my life through this troubled storm.

The turbulent seas,

Uncertain paths without any horizon.

Chatting a path through the darkness.

Left without a heading.

Attempt after attempt.

Storms keep bashing my direction into darkness.

Awake a lie,

Thinking of the troubles to come,

Looking for a heading.

Looking for an option.

For a way out.

All direction and certainty lost to the depths.

Lost to the darkness,

The horizon unseen.

Awake I lie,

Pondering these questions,

Without direction.

Without heading.

Looking into the darkness and uncertainty.

Taking a step at a time.

Without heading, without knowing.

Hoping, persevering, to find my way.

To find a path.

All, as I lie awake.

My Affliction.

Memory of what should be let go.

Hearing that mustn’t be heard.

Senses heightened, for what shouldn’t be known.

To let myself live, in the present. At all.

The affliction of knowing, when one should ignore.

Caring too much as I need to break out.

Break my chains, my mind and spirit.

Break apart all that is held together.

Broken and shattered through my affliction.

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Silent Peace

That silent peace,

The times gone cold,

The waiting for warmth,

Peaceful, yet empty.
Empty yet alone.
Waiting yet unsure.

In a state of limbo,
So cold,
Waiting… unsure.

Sitting in silence wanting meaning.
Looking for an escape.

Wanting productivity.

Having an aim.

All in the balance,

Waiting to be.

Here I am, waiting, in silent peace of what may be.
Waiting to be.
Continuing on as I mean to be.

Waiting in this silent peace.
For what I want to be.
I know the way,
I know what I must,
The path is closed off from me,
Left in silent peace.

Darkness of the Mind’s Eye 

Darkness of the mind,

There,

Waiting to push you out 

Detoxify your corruption.

Break away and push you out.

Out of me,

Out of my mind.

Purge the darkness from my mind.

Set myself free.

From the talons of the dark presence.

Waiting to escape the torture of my mind.

Break free.

Climb the piercing mountain.

Swim the torrents of the sea. 

Fight the wind’s cold piercing embrace.

Escape the mind-death.

Escape the deadly embrace.

Sometimes I wish to give in.

Let the cold wind surround and snuff me out.

But until that moment.

I am trapped.

Within the darkness of the mind’s eye.

Song on the Radio

That song,

The memories,

The reminder of the times,

The reminder of you.

That I try to push out,

Try to escape.

The good times and the bad.

All reminded of you.

This song on the radio,

Saves and ends me.

Brings me joy and pain. To end in tears.

The end,

The last song,

That last time.

That song, playing on the radio.

Chains

Chained inside the confines of the mind,

Tearing to get out,
Find an escape,

My little comforts keep my going,
Chained up within my mind,

There is little comfort to be found,
Through the harsh metal,
Cold fingers, grasping and clinging round me,
Tightening the more I struggle,
Choking me, the more I try to escape.

Images flash,
People leaving,
Hurtful words said,
Blame attributed to me.
Hurtful words stinging like a hot iron,
Applied directly to the core of my mind.

These chains also hold me,
Keep me from falling,
Keep me going,
Against my will,
But is my entirety,
Is my existence

Is my being and my living.

These chains, confine and continue me.