Do You Know?

Do you know how I feel?
Do you know?
How I feel,
What I think.

Not wanting to hurt someone else,
Through how I feel.
Caring too much,
To ever hurt another.

Those amazing times hanging out.
To merely be there,
In the moment with another.
To care too much for another.

Do you know?
You need space?
You have it.
You need a call?
You have it.

I want to be there,
But also cannot as it hurts.

Hurts but those good times.
Are too good to lose.

Did you know before,
Seeing you with him,
Inviting me along to watch,
To see how you felt with him.
Did you know how I felt?
How it made me feel,
Happy, to see you happy,
Sad that it wasn’t,
Self destructive to keep watching.
All in the past now.

I am better now,
But.
Did you know?
Do you know?

I know,
I feel,
I felt.

Maybe I need to go.
But I don’t want to.
I’m so much better,
That’s the point.

I want someone who cares,
Who is there,
As they’d know I would always be for them.
Who cares.

Do you know?

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Words of the Past

A little thread,
Moment gone true,
Out from the dark past,
A reminder, of what has made me… me.

Hurt, feeling to the core.
Formative poem,
Through and into the pain.

A reminder of the words of the past.

I wrong done.
A sin of my past,
Crime to another.

Reminder of a bad place long gone.
The reminder of how far I’ve come.

The words of the past,
Long gone,
Reminding of what has gone past.

Words of the past,
Feelings felt,
Emotional swirl.

Oh how things change.
But the words of the past?
Unchanging.
But in the past.

Left to rest,
In the setting dust of time.

The bright light over the horizon,
My path in my making.
The words of the past,
Remembered,
Reminded,
Left,
Left behind,
Into the receding night behind me.

As I move on into the light.

Leaving the words of the past behind me.


A little reminder, for me if noone else, my storyesque poems are more abstract, based in truth and abstract, about feelings, thoughts, hopes, pasts, darkness and light. This category I make to show what I’m thinking on but not feeling in the moment. An exercise in empathy, of others, made up scenarios or myself or even a past self.

Read some rough messages from the past, was feeling really really good, felt too good. I still am really good. Like the last poem. Had an idea for a storyesque poem, reaching deep into a dark past.

That’s not always a bad thing, reminding yourself of a dark past, it puts things into perspective, shows you how far you have come and how far you can still go.

I’m not feeling sad at all, I’m amazingly happy right now. Totally that I cannot even explain. Totally happy.

Hence the only reason I can reach back and see into the past and stay just as happy as I am.

Honestly can’t believe and don’t know how I have come so far, found true happiness, like I’ve never felt before.

Moment of panic

A moment of panic,
The realisation.
Paralysed,
Vision, gone to a tunnel.
Down a spiral, a moment of fright.
From the realisation that I hoped would not come.

Memory gone to blank.
A moment of panic.
Breathing hard.
Moment blank.
Heart falling heavy.

And on the fall.
On the drop.
Falling for a moment.

Lost and falling.
The moment all-consuming.

Only for but a moment.
A moment. Of panic.


Writing this after a brief but intense moment of panic. My breathing raced, heart beat out of my chest, my vision constricted to a tunnel.

Like opening Pandora’s box and finding unexpected shock. Something to destabilise me.

I have had an amazing day and this one thing threatens to bring be down to a lowest, but I’m fighting back, at least for the day to be over, ended on a happy note.

This thing’s just broken me, but I don’t know if it’s irrational, or not. Enough of this though, only one way to find out where this goes.

So glad this realisation happened on a good day. An absolutely fucking brilliant day. I’m determined to see past it and go on happy. Don’t know about tomorrow.

Shimmering Nights

Shimmering nights like this.
Making my day, my week.
Thinking of you,
With a great smile on my face.
A warmth in my heart,
Cosy to my core.

The feeling came,
So long ago,
It has stayed ever since.

You,
Your beautiful face,
Your shining personality,
Never has left my mind,
Even as I tried.

Your return,
So sweet,
So nice.

Always brighten my day.
Has brightened my life.
No matter what has happened.
I know I can’t forget you.
Those shimmering nights,
And that’s just you,
What you do.
Just by being you.

Just by being you.
That is so true.

My favourite song I play,
Even though I’m alone.
You come through.
A beautiful melody of you.

A shimmer of light,
That brightens up any night.

Hoping I brighten your day,
In any way,
Like you do for me.

Your power,
Your truth,
Your simple beauty,
Inside and out.
A shimmering star,
A light in the dark.
A warmth at night.
Just by you,
Just by you, being you.

In those shimmering nights.


Thinking of those best nights, those beautiful nights. Beautiful ones.

Always good, always bright. Amazing people who are amazing for being them, beautiful beyond compare, just as they are.

Anger for a Lie

The lies you shared,
Refusing me the dignity of being,
Leaving me in torture,
Under your foot.
Broken and controlled.

Only others showed me your lies,
Gave me decency on your behalf when you refused.
Showed me basic human respect when you denied me.

Thrown off my chains,
Tearing my self out,
Out of the hurtful lies,
The bad situation.
The wrecked mind I had to piece back.

You, the orchestrator of my demons’ symphony.


Thinking of the past, how someone treated me, something I tried to forget. But stuff is happening like the same as before.

Finished writing later, not feeling so bad, a walk home, time to think, space, some good news and errands has put me in a better mood.

Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

Fighting The Pain

Fighting the pain,
To be stronger,
To pick up my pieces. Fix them.
Move into the light.
As it recedes away.
And on I fight.

Better than I was before.
Trying to keep the fight.
Fight for me.

Fighting the pain as it comes my way.
Winning the fight for me.
As it grasps hold.
I fight.

The demons show their face,
Out of the prison I confined them.
To show me their ugly face.

On I must fight.
I know the cause.
Know the next step.
On I must fight.

A fight for my future,
Fight for my day.
Fight for me.
Tears running down my cheek,
Determination at my sleeve.
Knowing the struggles ahead.
I will win.
As I’m fighting the pain.


Don’t worry, just having a bad night. Overthinking is the cause. Haven’t had one like this in a while.

It’s okay, I’ll fight through. I’m not going back to where I was before. Never again. I’m much stronger.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Different Path

Treading down the other path,
The different path.
Away from what has been.

Unfamiliar and new,
New and in the making.
Forming it piece by peace.

Making anew,
Forming mine,
In an attempt to clear the mind’s confusion.
To fight the demons of the mind,
To clear a path through the thick fog.
Shining a light into the dark confusion,
Making a new way,
A new path.
A place to go.
A refuge for me.

Making this different path.
A fixed me.
One in the making.