I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide,
What I feel.
Angry, sad or happy,
To feel such bliss and care.
To be opened up, when I had lost.
To open up.
My heart. Closed to the world.
Having given up.

And then,
Suddenly,
Opened up.
Shown light and care.
Given me my best moments in my life,
Making me comfortable in my own skin,
In my own life.

To be dashed and changed.
Where I do not know.
Do not know what happened.
A crazy time of changes.
A time that has, no matter what,
Changed my life.

The question I ask,
The thing I cannot decide.
Do I regret this?
Do I?

The life to be taken away, the sight of what is true,
When all is okay,
I even asked myself during that time.
Why is everything so good?
In every way,
Finally feeling alive.
Okay with me, myself and living in my skin.

But to be taken away.

I say I cannot decide,
Because I do not want to.

But I’ve always known,
Will always know.
I do not regret.

It’s given me everything.
I can drop dead happy.
Knowing I lived a happy life,
Even if it was only for one month.

Better to leave it alive and kind,
That tainted with hardship.
But too late for that now.
Too late.
Broken heart,
Broken life,
Broken dreams and crushed underfoot.

Now nothing’s left,
But a facade,
One I keep,
For me as much as for you.
For this I’m the most sorry of all,
For myself,
How this goes.

Advertisements

Just to See

Just to see,
The reason and the being,
I finally see.
Can feel the life flowing through my veins.

The reason etched in my heart.
Why.
The why.
Life made true,
Me true, in knowing,
Knowing and finding,
From which the finding comes results and change.
The change itself from the determination of will.

I finally feel alive,
Knowing and wanting to be.
To try.
To make my mark,
To live my life.
It gets hard.

But knowing my reason,
Is the cure for all these ills.
The truth of me.


The day started rough. First day on antidepressants. Nauseous and excessive yawning like every 5 minutes. Felt sick and tired. Slept when I got home as so tired.

But had a catch-up and 3 drinks with a friend, chatting about lots of stuff, relationship stuff, his and mine. But yeah. Was nice. Was nice to help, to know, he said I knew a lot more about shit he’s surprised I did. Told him. It’s because I’m good at seeing the person they themselves hide from sight. Seeing past the facade, because I know I have many of my own I’ve been living for many many years. I can understand people more than they know. And I’ve found this often scares most people. Oh well.

It was nice, feel more in love, much better than I have in a while, remembering all my efforts for self improvement and bettering many aspects I’ve needed for ages. Remembering the reason, it’s all for me, but love was the reason to choose to do it now and make it work, to succeed. For the moments had, the happiest moments ever felt. I will get better. I know.

Because. More than ever in my whole life, I have reason to. That’s the thing, all these things needing improvement, improving may be difficult, but the hardest thing for me always has been. Finding the reason to bother to. The reason to try, the reason to change from the norm. But for the first time ever, I’ve had a true reason to try to make it all work.

And I know, when I find something I know I want to work (like Uni was for me) then I will succeed because there is no other alternative, no option, just success or success

Feel Myself Slipping

Feel myself slipping,
Breaking and falling,
As I’m thinking and thinking,
Wondering.

Feeling the feelings and memories slipping.
Not knowing if I should let it die.
Let my happiness die.
Leave it by the wayside.
Not knowing if it’ll be found ever again.
With nothing but hope left,
Hope that’s been long dead.
Even before I found.

But I don’t know.
Don’t know what to do,
To think,
And my brain bipolar.
Thoughts switching moods in an instant.
Breaking me apart,
My mind,
Cannot cope with the feelings,
The change.
The erratic shifts.

But I.
Cannot see.
All I can do is try.
Long after I’ve given up.
So I just go on,
Hoping my body will try.
To keep going.

All I have left,
Is the loss and pain.

I have lost.
Lost at this game.
Even the pretense,
My game of pretend,
The lie I convinced myself,
In order to convince others,
I cannot play anymore.
It takes too much.

This mood,
Takes too much out of me,
Just living,
Before doing what I need,
In order to live.

But yes.
The small moments.
A song comes on,
A thought pops in my mind’s eye.
May give a little hope,
But I see it all for what it is.
Have seen for years now,
But not wanting to ‘know’.
A false pretend,
The creation, living within,
An alternative reality within my head.

For most my life now,
I spend more time,
Living in a world within my head.
To escape the pain of life.
All happy times but one,
Only exist within my mind.
Leaving reality behind.

But even that last one,
The last bastion of happiness,
Living within reality,
Now, also, only lives within my mind.
In my memories,
My memories of a time.


Today, mixed, not the worst, but still. Nice seeing people care, my skills and achievements. But when I think of it, none of it feels like it matters. Just empty. But not the worst day ever, so that’s something?

Ready To Try Again

Ready to try again.
To give it another shot.

Just as life fucks me up.
Over and over.
Fuck you for that.
Let me rage my way to life,
The only path I’ve got.
You’ve left me with nothing,
Something I will never forget.

I just need to try again.
Let the pain course thrpugh my veins.
Let life be as life has always been.
Burning me from the inside.
But I will stand and rage.
To control.
The endless emptiness inside.
Rage and rage.

For you have broken me so,
Broken my soul, my mind, my heart,
All so completely.
I bleed so much.
So hard.

To use my emptiness as strength,
To numb all the pain.
Life has broken me.
This only makes me stronger

Once losing everything,
My body, heart, mind and soul.
What more is there left?
Broken and broken.
Shattered completely.
Numbness.
My strength,
All for a hope,
To be happy again.
Using the lessons of my dark past, dark life,
To forge a path.
To try.

Oh how you break me, Life iver and over,
More and more.
Each and every time.
You break me again and again.

I’ve come to accept.
Empty my heart of all feeling.
Empty my soul of all care.
Rupturing my soul all over the floor.

To try and just get on.

Losing The Time Piece By Piece

Losing it, piece by piece,
Motivation for everything,
The hope, the will trying to be better and better.
It all hitting home hard.

The lose of this object,
Imbued with so much.
An object of happiness, pain, hardship, betterment and hope.

A sign, while also holding,
Onto the memories,
They drift slowly,
Slowly and slowly out of my mind.
Memories I kept dear, oh I kept so dear.

I tried.
Have been making strides, great strides,
To be better and better,
Slowly getting better,
Then one by one,
The situations I’ve faced and faced.
Crush my spirit again and again.
Over and over.

I have tried so hard.
So very hard.
To find and be happy,
To find worth in life.
To find the beauty in all that could be seen and felt.
I made progress,
And then the world crushes every glimmer.

Again and again,
I’m crushed under the weight.
How many more steps can I go till I stop.
How much more can I take?
Before losing too much to take.
I don’t know.
Have I reached the limit already.

Dread from every moment conscious and breathing.
Knowing every step I take,
Is followed by a blow.
To my heart, my mind and soul.

I tried,
I tried so hard.
I gor so far. I went and went.
But it doesn’t matter. Life always crushes me so.

Always just pretending to be okay,
Pretending I can cope.

I am trying so hard.
But when making progress.
I am crushed.
Over and over.

That I want it just to end.

The pain of living, breathing, trying only to be knocked back.
Crushed under the weight of life.

I tried.
Want to find the will to try again.
I don’t know how anyone does it.
To continue and try.

I’ve suffered at the hands of my demons for so very long.

So so very long over a decade now,
It’s not all been bad,
I’ve tried to live, to care about all those I meet.
To live my best life.
To try and bring help to others when so lost.
I end up just so very alone.
In a world where I’m dead in the mind, but alive in body.

No one understands,
This object held so dear,
Worn everyday for so long.
Imbued it with hope, positivity, and overcoming hardship,
It meant the world.
And I didn’t even know,
Until I lost it.
It reminded me,
Life, positivity,
Being thinking and trying.
But now.

After it all,
For so much, so long.
I have lost.

How can I move on?
Having lost an object,
Formed, imbued, in the best memories I’ve had in life,
It kept those times alive,
Long past when the times themselves faded.
Long past they faded.

How long till I fade?
Every glimmer and shine?
Every but of positivity in a world that just crushes me.

How long?
Has the time already come?
Was this the last time?
The last bit,
The loss of everything,
Past, present and future.
All this in an object,
Like noone else will understand.


Today’s been so rough. Felt alright going out to take photos. Lost my ring. It held so much sentimental value. I stayed and looked for it for two hours before the last bus for a long trip home.

Also getting sick with sinus pain. Stopped smoking for a month and bought a pack after losing the ring. Thinking of re ring a metal detector and going back next weekend to try again and find it.

I feel I’m losing the memories since losing the ring.

I’ve been trying so hard; putting the past behind me, eating better, trying to be better in so many ways. And since all this effort to be better, more than I’ve ever tried. It’s been one thing after another without break. Worse than any other time. Feel empty, lost, without everything. And I’ve been trying and it’s all being lost. Everything’s fading. I hate it. I’ve been trying! And I’m losing everything!

I tried. I really really tried. I tried and things have only gotten worse after getting a little better briefly. Losing this ring has really really hit me hard.

Feel so dead while being conscious and seeing this myself.

I’m sick and tired of it all. I’ve tried so hard every day. Again and again. Pushing against everything and it all pushes back tenfold.

Going to be truly honest like I havn’t in almost a year on here.

I’ve had reason recently to improve my mental health, life and living more than any other time in my life.

I’ve been living without a bed in my flat for a year, due to finances and the bigger reason; not wanting to commit to large items, not wanting to ‘get comfortable’ in the city in which I live. Because I didn’t know if I wanted to stay. Didn’t want to commit. I’ve finally had a bed for a few weeks now, but have been sleeping worse than the whole year without because, well, I don’t entirely know. My mental health.

I’ve been eating better, I know how to cook, always have since I was a kid, never bothered cooking unless I had a friend coming over, because why do it just for me? Why bother more than sustenence to live, to survive. Maybe this had impacted my mental health, but now eating better it’s all gotten worse? So what now?

I’ve tried to improve personal aspects like through mindfulness, it worked somewhat until recently, like the last week or 2. Been doing it every weekday after work. To calm. To put things into perspective. Because I’d ran out of every other option. Every other thing to try. Counselling hasn’t worked the last 3 times I tried. It helps so long as I’m in the session, and when I leave the room it was like I was never in there. With my work program for counselling and phone service, it’s the same story, the phone is put down and it’s back to before the call. Almost like talking to people, I can fake happy, and believe I am, for the sake of the pretend. And as soon as we stop chatting then its back to sadness.

Even with mindfulness I’ve tried to spin things positivly, like losing the ring, I thought maybe it’s good to lose the object, and embrace the memories more into my mind, or even to attach it to an association like a song or something, like my necklace to keep the memories and associations by reimbueing them into another item harder to be lost. Or eveb just into my mind more fully and easier to recall. But no. I realised as I feel I’m losing the memories. Or even trying to spin it’s maybe good to lose those memories. But again, no. The memories with that worthless object, one priceless to me. Represent the only time I’ve ever been truly happy, truly content, at peace with me, everything, everyone, and my place in the world. The only time in 23 years. So, how am I to say ‘yes’ to just forgetting that? Even writing this is making me cry. It’s pathetic? Probably, hurting myself makes it feel a bit ‘better’ (not the word I’d use). Even thinking of getting a metal detector and in a week going back, for one last try, to find it. Will truly think on that plan.

Feeling lost in place, without knowing a goal or path in life, I lost Uni, lost academia and the hopes and dreams I had. Don’t know any others, can’t even think of a plan or alternative.

I’m so lonely, lonelier than I ever have been. I’ve made it so far. Did what I didn’t think I could do. Not only did I manage through hard work to start my second year of my Undergrad as I couldn’t afford it until I got my job. It allowed me to continue to 3rd year, it allowed me to do my Masters which I couldn’t afford and struggled with finances to manage it and I did that too. I also then have managed to stay here in this city which I had no idea I could do. Didn’t think it possible. But now? No path so Uni left me in the past, adrift like driftwood. I have friends at work who I don’t see outside of work often, my old friends I never really see at all anymore. So. The city I tried to stay in, has lost everything. I have lost it all. Feeling lonelier than ever. I tried to remedy this with photography. But even that, it’s lonely, it’s done out of pain, it’s a coping mechanism for mental health problems and loneliness. So even writing this all out. I tried everything so hard and it’s all turned out nought. I have been really considering recently to go back where I come from. But even there, I only have one friend, they work most of their time to go on holidays. I’ll have no one. So I’m lonely where ever in the only two places I have ever known. I’ve tried to be better, make the most. But writing this all out, breaks me apart totally. Every effort in my life, shown a failure, or meaningless and I don’t know which is worse. It all laid out. Everything summed up in one phrase, “tried hard, everything, and failed“.

Even writing this post, being totally truthful for some catharsis and honesty, to many things that even I’ve tried to hide from myself.

Recently I have truly tried. Truly. More than in my whole life. I thought writing this may be cathartic, maybe a bit, but it has also put everything into perspective. I’m alone in the world, nothing can help, and everything I’ve done has failed or been meaningless. And I thought I tried hard and the world crushed me before writing all this but. It’s hit home even worse now then.

Truthfully, over the many years, wanting to commit suicide until the recent times being truly happy stopped those thoughts dead in their tracks. Luckily these thoughts haven’t returned fully, trying so hard to keep them at bay. But it’s getting harder with all the aforementioned trying and only pain and emptiness and loneliness as a reward. But back in my 3rd year. I kept tonnes of painkillers by my bedside. Hoping I could. At the worst, I would go out with friends, get drunker than ever, and warp my mind myself to force me over the edge, I know how my mind works and what thought patterns would put me into a spiral to do this. I would hold a terrible situation and force it hard to spiral deeper. But one thing stopped those worst of times. Others I care about, family and most importantly my best friend, someone who it broke me thinking of her reaction. So I stopped everything and wrote poetry. The only reason to be alive, to not cause others pain, and causing myself more. Living, trapped in existence, chained to life by my care and empathy for others. It literally saved my life many a time. But I fear with this loneliness recently, the last thing has been taken away. I fear and don’t know. Can’t even really say fear. I have no idea. I have tried so hard recently, holding on, trying to hold a reason. A reason long dead but I keep it alive in my head to keep on and on trying to be better.

It’s sad to think. This ring meant so much to me. Writing all this, spilling my soul onto the page, truths I’ve never told a soul, one lasting over 5 years, maybe 10. All for a ring? Losing it today. Has laid it all bare before me. Everything I’ve tried, recently more than ever, and I’ve lost it all. Every bit of positivity to look forward and try again. Being lost and lost. Over and over again. I even see in my head, another glimmer to hold on hope. But I don’t even know if I want to grab it. That ring. Meant so much. Held and holds so much for me, in every way. I wore it every day, in the good times and the bad. It gave me hope and reminded me. I need it. I guess I won’t be able to sleep tonight. But I guess that’s the least of my problems.

How can everyone do this? Continue while being crushed by it all? I feel bad as I’m not in the worst situation of all. But, even then I don’t care, if I had that ring I could at least try. Remind myself. Last night I wrote a poem of sadness, but this morning was okay, writing to vent, and even then, I wasn’t feeling bad, just thinking and empty. I don’t know what tomorrow will be like. All I can think about is how to try and find that ring. How can anyone do this? Continue after the world crushes and crushes again and again unceasingly, uncompromisingly and mercilessly.

Wondering On

Wondering on,
I’ve moved so far,
Have grown so much.
But still it hurts.
The feelings.

Knowing what to do, to say,
Or more so, not knowing.

I can just stand,
Confused,
Hope and be true.
As I, am wondering on.

The times before, the death of you I watched,
Was it my fault? Yours? Or the scars?
Was it all a lie from the start?
All I can do is just, wonder.

Sit and be sad.
Then come to realise,
It doesn’t matter either way.
And I’ll never know.
Or am I just overthinking all of this?
Another thing to the list,
Of what I do not know.
What I can never know.

So all I can do.
Is to sit here in among my thoughts,
In the drowning depths,
Of my memories,
Oh how they were so perfect.
And now, an ocean away.

And I just sit.
Wondering.
Too tired to stand.
But I do,
Against all the odds.

Try to bring myself forth,
To try and be,
To try and see another day.
Even as I wish many times,
My mind just could stop.
All the pain, all the time.
So I numb it,
For a while,
Suppress the feeling with emptiness.

It goes, against my soul,
Against my being,
Wrecks me from the inside,
Piece by piece.
But I continue to try,
To stand strong,
Despite.

I know I can do this.
But do not know,
Not anymore,
If I want to.
After having seen.
And then.

Then.
It’s stupid,
But it has never been to me.
Everything a distraction,
From what I know I will think.
But so I distract.
Until a point,
When no distraction is needed.

But only time will tell.
So for now,
I sit here,
Tired and wondering,
Thinking.
Hoping,
Overthinking and wanting just to know,
Was it all a lie?
In my own imagination?
Was it my change?
Or just watching death before my eyes,
Happen,
And bring my soul a death with it.
Losing my heart.
Losing my soul,
Losing feeling for anything.


Cathartic writing. Writing rambly stuff but meaningful to me. It isn’t a sad poem, or at least, I don’t feel sad, trying to be better and hence trying to get rid of emotions in my body, bit by bit. Getting rid of the ‘me’ within me.

Or maybe it’s the trying not to feel. That has made me calm even as my soul bleeds through the words on the page and start to bleed.

Make That Scar Fade

I stand here,
In face of it all.
Standing to make that scar fade.

Journeying forth,
Seeing the struggles of the past.
Seeing the pain caused.
Not to repeat the same mistake.
Not to let the past pain haunt,
To let the past pain keep me in chains.

Seeing the trauma,
Creeping its way into a new life,
To corrupt through fear, worry and scarring.

Finally, finding something,
Someone that sees,
Someone that understands my scars.
As they have many of their own.

They have been there,
Understanding through it all,
As my brain’s been on meltdown.

Letting the past scars and trauma consume me with worry.
Corrupting me into who I was lost in before.
Taking everything from me.
Losing my own perspective in world.

But I try to stand.
Shut the scars out.
To make a stand.
To accept this new time for what it is,
For a new era.
An era not defined by my scarred past.
By the pain felt before.

Trying to control,
My mind fearful of the repeat of my death. And so it shuns,
It leaves. It runs to hide.

I know it’s different,
Not malicious or hurtful,
Not aimed or ripping.
This. This is new. This is care.
A confusing life yes,
But it’s new. It’s care. Apologies for a new confusing life.
And this I can cope with.
We are all scarred in all so many of our own ways.
Humanity’s shared collective,
Shared scars, even if different.
We have all fought all our own battles,
Some have been through, some have been through different.
But understanding through those collective scars. Collective experience.

I will be better.
I was shown,
Shown my thinking.
Shown the hole my brain put me in.
To protect me from the past.
But it’s all past.

The scars,
I thought had healed,
What was done to me,
The wound exploded open before my eyes,
And I didn’t see.
I failed to see.

But open to my friends,
This second time around.
Open to life.
To see and heal.
To keep this would shut.
Final and once and for all.

I have found,
I have seen.
I will now bow down.
I shall rage and rage.
Into the darkness,
Till I turn it light.

Holding on.
To shut the scars, the wounds inflicted,
So deep beneath the skin,
Carved into the mind.
Deeper than I could see.

But thankful,
People saw and helped.
Thankful,
For this person, who’s changed my
life.
No matter what may come.
Allowed me to see, grow,
Suffer hardship, and grow stronger.
To see in many ways I did not.
To live a life, so different from my past,
To see, to open my eyes,
To a new perspective.


Been going through a really rough two weeks, if not probably longer, sorting stuff out in my head. Said goodbye to someone I care about deeply. More than anyone else to be honest. It’s been rougher than anything else. Saying goodbye, yet I try to check up on her to make sure she’s okay, all too often. But when I do, I realise there’s nothing I can do, we’re not talking.

Talking to a mutual friend they gave great life experience and advice, I showed myself without seeing until I explained and then did see how the past scars still held me, even when I thought they had closed. They hadn’t. The deep-rooted fears and anxieties and traumas.

Causing me to wreck everything rather than risk going there again. And only causing more damage in an attempt to avoid it.

So I’m changing everything. Being healthier in so many aspects, healing my mind bit by bit, changing my thinking, trying to be better. An uphill battle. But trying anyway. It’s getting easier, calmer, less painful, but also maybe less feeling. I don’t know if that’s good. But if not, I’ll sort that out too. Doing this all for me, so I hope I can be there for them. As I care, been through similar scars that they are going through, and care about nothing else, than to just be there to help them through it, even if it’s just to chat shit and distract them.

A Sign, Unexpected

A sign unexpected,
Beyond any expectation,
Beyond any glimmer of comprehension.

A sign, showing me truth, showing me care,
Showing me confidence.
But also, showing me my scars,
My wounds, I had thought healed,
Opened and festering.
Without care I hoped to close,
To ignore.
That it had disappeared.
It hadn’t.
Just resided until again.

The pain still raw, still real.

It’s showed me.
The need to close,
To heal,
To end the chapter.
To cease its pain.
So a scar left will just be that.
A sign, a reminder, of the past.

It’s showed me.

It’s truly showed me.

From this sign, unexpected.
From a place unknown.

A message never expected.

A truth to be known.
A truth I didn’t see.
But now see clear.

I still, with this sign,
Know what to do,
But not the way.

I can only guess,
And truth my heart and mind.
To let go of the pain,
To let go of fear,
To see and to trust.
To rebuild,
To remedy.
To be kinder to myself,
For I’m here trying after all my struggles. After all the pain and scarring.

To find and cope.
To make whole again how I had been shattered, so long ago.
Yet the cracks remain fractured wide.

I will try.
I will try.

The first step was sight,
To see the pain still beneath,
The scars still left open.

Hopefully I can get peace,
After those scars are closed.
Hopefully I can find,
Be ready to find what was lost,
When I do this.


A happier poem has been long overdue, this is happy-sad, writing this way too late before work tomorrow but I have to for me and my mental health.

It’s happy and sad, happy for finding, happy for being and seeing, sad for losing, but happy for the hope of it getting better and maybe getting back what I regret to have lost. But needed to for getting back on track and a new perspective.

I aim to write a blogpost on another blog I have about hardship and how it should be embraced and learnt from for its forging elements. But will do that another time, hopefully tomorrow unlike I planned to today.

I haven’t added an image to a post in a long time. But this one deserves one. I was going to look at the site I usually went to. But was looking for a meaningful one. But. It hit me. There was only one image. The image that changed me, the time that changed me, the sunset I can never and would never want to forget. The one that started this life- and mind-changing journey. Started the confidence, the care, the pain, hardship and growth. It started it all.

Let The Soul Adrift

Just to let.
The soul adrift.
Adrift in time,
In place and being.
Just to let it be.
Let it wallow in pain,
To break it down,
And out the rubbyle, build anew.

To break and feel every pain.
To let it feel,
To let it hurt.

To let it fester,
A reminder.
Of the pain.
From every scar.
Every time.
To let your soul suffer,
To let it die,
Over and over, before your very eyes.
To let it break and die.

To let it rage in its death throes.
Another death, another time.
To watch your soul die.
To watch it rage.
Ti watch it slip away.
Into a sea of nothingness.

It’s just another time.
Just another time to die.

Just another time.
Just another life thrown away,
Just as I was learning to live.

But just as with the others,
Just another, time to die.
Just another.

So used to the feeling,
A death worse than death.
Another time felt.
But am I used to it by now?

Another time.
Yet another time.
To feel gone through.

Done Hiding

Done hiding,
Hiding from my past,
My feelings,
My torture.

It drains too much from me.
Kills me inside.
Living a falsehood, a lie.

But I cannot lie no more.
Not even if I wanted to.

I am done.
In every such way.
Done with the hiding,
Done with the pretence.

Done with all the fucking shit.
Everyone with a problem can go check themselves,
Check their fucking minds and lives.
I will not hide mine no more.

I am done.

I’m gonna be me and how I have to be.
Cannot cope with any other alternative anymore.
Not anymore.


Writing this, thinking, I’m tired, tired of hiding myself under a lie I tell everyone else. Tired. If admitting to mental health stuff loses friends then they’re not worthwhile people in my life. I don’t care anymore. 13 years all living a lie, to myself and everyone else. It’s just too tiring now. Hence I wrote a blogpost on a different site for my photography and my mental health.

I had it fully written for a week before posting it to my FB. And the idea I put off writing about for months. Because I was afraid of people thinking “well that guy’s fucked up” or “this isn’t the guy we knew”. Know it might not have been, but it was the truth of me. I was reluctant to write and post this.

Especially seeing people write about mental health openly and feeling trapped and caged so I couldn’t.

I’m just too tired for any of the pretence now, with my mental health I barely have any energy for anything else, without also having to construct a human that’s doing fine on top of all of that.

Imagine the energy to simulate a human functioning fully and positively on a computer. That’s been my brain for 2 years, the real me and a pretend for others to see.