New Finding

Those new findings,
Unexpected and amazing,
To capture the self.

Anything to capture that feeling.
To make anew,
Myself and it all.

Losing sleep in glee.
The amazing moments,
Those unexpected moments
Coming out of nowhere.

How does this new finding
Make anew, the place to be.
A new being.
Unexpected and found.

Totally found.
This new finding,
Unexpected being.

Those times to make you smile,
Unconditionally,
Totally.
Through the new finding.

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Memories Remaining

Memories remaining,
The images intact and golden.
This bright future,
Golden times ahead.
What I want.

To hold,
To show,
To care,
Ever wanting to care and hold,
To be there,
To hold in times of need,
To be there.
To care and be.

To try and to hold.
To try and be with.
To show how you have made.

How you have.
Who you are.
How it was.
Those times.

You.
Just you.
I cannot explain.
Cannot show.
Cannot think.

You.
How those memories remain.
They keep and hold onto me.

How they grab hold and take me.

How they remain and hold onto me.

Finding

The finding,
Oh so this feeling.
The greatest moments,
To be found,
Held close.

This finding,
A grip and grasping,
My finding

The happiness to be found through the finding.
The greatest of times.

The uncovered truths,
The meaning.

The great times to come.

My times to find,
Through the finding

Alive in the feeling,
The finding.

The grasp of the day, the feeling.
my feeling.

The grasp of this feeling.
Past the great unknown.

The finding has come,
The great finding.

Silence Of The Quiet Night

The silence of this quiet night.
The doors opening up,
The peace found,
The quiet emptiness,

The voice of hope,
Calling out to me.
A quiet night.

The peaceful resolution.
The hope for the future,

Hope for the path taken.
The great long night of peace.
The long night,
Long times to be found.

The greatest moments,
Great feelings,
Howling into the darkness of the night.

The calling.
The great times.

The great calling,

Of the silence, of the quiet night.

Confidence

A confident smile,
Able to take this step.
To command my stride.
To move and love the world.

Compassion, kindness and competence being my guide,
My arsenal.
The trials ahead,
No trial if I try.

Making my world my own,
Shown me the world,

I now make my own,

Shape to my aims.

Taken in my confident stride.

My core to guide me.

Compassion for all,

Kindness and care to be shown,

Confidence to help and try.

To shine and let the world notice.

To help those in trouble,

To give me all, giving my all.

To make the world,

One I want to live in,

One of kindness,

One of care,

Compassion is my sword,

With consideration being my shield.

Next to stride in confidence.

In myself,

I stride confidence.

Knowing me,

Who I am.

What I can do.

What I will do.

Throwing out the barriers,

What holds me back.

Here I’ll take my stride in confidence.

Writing this, thinking of L, of what she said, commenting on what I told her others said. Coming to the realisation that I can do it, my lecturers being impressed of my conversing competently with PhD students, at work being professional and helpful, doing archive work at a archive centre scanning digital negative. Come to a realisation of how so many people support and believe in me, when I never really have seen it. Realising it for now at least, in this moment. Especially everything L has done for me, and the comment by my lecturer who inspired and encouraged me to do my Masters, which has given me so much courage and happiness.

The Happy Tear

Happy tear rolling down my face,

A smile alongside the sadness.

My knowledge of the times.

The way it cannot be.

The estrangement,

Away and apart.

Gone and not around.

How I want to be with you.

The happy tear,

Running down my face,

Seeing you happy,

Seeing all those good moments you’re making.

Those times we shared.

Gone before I got to know you.

Ended and final.

Before I realised.

Before I realised.

It was gone.

It was gone before I knew. Before what was lost.

All the thoughts, hopes and ideas.

All turned to dust before my eyes.

The gravity hits me on high.

Rips me open and throws me aside.

The happy tears fall,

Breaking me apart from the inside,

As I smile happy,

Dying inside.

Broken and made at the same time.

Thrown from everything I have ever known.

Lost in the turmoil.

Thrown from comfort and care,

Ground to dust.

The last scene.

Your happiness,

As in my sadness a happy tear runs down my face.

The happy tear runs down.

Another Day

Another day, another night.

Another time to come,

To make, hold and keep.

To remember the past.

That’s brought me to where I am now.

Those forming moments,

The golden times.

To hold and remember,

In the face of adversity.

To hold close as I forge on.

To move past the troubled times.

On into the sunlight and warmth.

Another day comes,

To make as I can.

To see what it brings,

And what I bring to it.

Oh how, another day comes.

Numbing The Pain

Numbing the pain,

Feeling empty,

Dark and cold, all around, to the touch.

Mindless monster, dead being.

Trudging on, unfeeling, numb.

A wreck of the past.

A wound on the world.

A chasm of despair.

The state of being, pain at losing life’s treasures held close.

Ripped from the arms,

Followed by the dark storm, the empty silence and coldness.

Piercing and digging like razors, sharp tendrils into by abdomen. Into my heart and core.

But…

But.

I feel nothing, numbness to pain that comes from its constancy.

Numbing my pain.

Bringing it in. Bringing it close.

Fully reckoning it.

Feeling it.

Until that is all I am.

A numbed pain. Constant. A broken thing. A wound of existence. A storm of calm rage. Outside Alice, while dead inside.