Make That Scar Fade

I stand here,
In face of it all.
Standing to make that scar fade.

Journeying forth,
Seeing the struggles of the past.
Seeing the pain caused.
Not to repeat the same mistake.
Not to let the past pain haunt,
To let the past pain keep me in chains.

Seeing the trauma,
Creeping its way into a new life,
To corrupt through fear, worry and scarring.

Finally, finding something,
Someone that sees,
Someone that understands my scars.
As they have many of their own.

They have been there,
Understanding through it all,
As my brain’s been on meltdown.

Letting the past scars and trauma consume me with worry.
Corrupting me into who I was lost in before.
Taking everything from me.
Losing my own perspective in world.

But I try to stand.
Shut the scars out.
To make a stand.
To accept this new time for what it is,
For a new era.
An era not defined by my scarred past.
By the pain felt before.

Trying to control,
My mind fearful of the repeat of my death. And so it shuns,
It leaves. It runs to hide.

I know it’s different,
Not malicious or hurtful,
Not aimed or ripping.
This. This is new. This is care.
A confusing life yes,
But it’s new. It’s care. Apologies for a new confusing life.
And this I can cope with.
We are all scarred in all so many of our own ways.
Humanity’s shared collective,
Shared scars, even if different.
We have all fought all our own battles,
Some have been through, some have been through different.
But understanding through those collective scars. Collective experience.

I will be better.
I was shown,
Shown my thinking.
Shown the hole my brain put me in.
To protect me from the past.
But it’s all past.

The scars,
I thought had healed,
What was done to me,
The wound exploded open before my eyes,
And I didn’t see.
I failed to see.

But open to my friends,
This second time around.
Open to life.
To see and heal.
To keep this would shut.
Final and once and for all.

I have found,
I have seen.
I will now bow down.
I shall rage and rage.
Into the darkness,
Till I turn it light.

Holding on.
To shut the scars, the wounds inflicted,
So deep beneath the skin,
Carved into the mind.
Deeper than I could see.

But thankful,
People saw and helped.
Thankful,
For this person, who’s changed my
life.
No matter what may come.
Allowed me to see, grow,
Suffer hardship, and grow stronger.
To see in many ways I did not.
To live a life, so different from my past,
To see, to open my eyes,
To a new perspective.


Been going through a really rough two weeks, if not probably longer, sorting stuff out in my head. Said goodbye to someone I care about deeply. More than anyone else to be honest. It’s been rougher than anything else. Saying goodbye, yet I try to check up on her to make sure she’s okay, all too often. But when I do, I realise there’s nothing I can do, we’re not talking.

Talking to a mutual friend they gave great life experience and advice, I showed myself without seeing until I explained and then did see how the past scars still held me, even when I thought they had closed. They hadn’t. The deep-rooted fears and anxieties and traumas.

Causing me to wreck everything rather than risk going there again. And only causing more damage in an attempt to avoid it.

So I’m changing everything. Being healthier in so many aspects, healing my mind bit by bit, changing my thinking, trying to be better. An uphill battle. But trying anyway. It’s getting easier, calmer, less painful, but also maybe less feeling. I don’t know if that’s good. But if not, I’ll sort that out too. Doing this all for me, so I hope I can be there for them. As I care, been through similar scars that they are going through, and care about nothing else, than to just be there to help them through it, even if it’s just to chat shit and distract them.

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Help From the Fade

Help from the fade,
Contemplative in the moment,
From the moment,
Many moments past.

Mistakes made,
Choices,faults and errors.
From a broken mind.
Once broken, now ready to be free.
Helped in the being,
For the,
With the,
Being.

The past,
A completed chapter, never “over” but passed.
Relegated and confined,
Remembered and forgotten.
With all the thinking.

Ready to forge on.
To rise as it all falls.
The shadows fall around,
I won’t kneel.
Standing tall.

Never to stop,
Caring for those of good.
Forgetting, the demons of the past,
Forgetting? No.
Outliving.

Making,
Demons fail, sink back into their shadows,
To hold their regrets.
I shan’t care,
Not for all the pain.

Closure, help to forget.
To erase the mind from the faults of all my past.
Only to learn.
Greater things will come,
A world,
Kind, good and nice,
With my own making,
The people I find,
And the kind, the only ones to keep.

Sadness grips with the memories of the past,
But also not.
A past, with its feelings.
Not worth feeling, remembering.

The lesson, all tried to teach me.
Hold dear, those who care,
Offering kindness unto the world.
The rest, time will forget.
All will forget,
Without regret.

Time moves on,
Kindness and care, the only worth to be found.
To be found,
In unexpecting places.
Better ones.

The only ones of worth.

But that’s it,
The help from the fade.
A making,
Being,
Within the flames of living.
Being.

Climbing high,
As it all recedes below.
Without a care,
Without the sun-shine.

Help,
This is the help,
Help from the fade.


Writing this, my American friend, asked, cares and asked how I’ve been, writing a long answer, for me thinking of the past, present and future. Giving me hope and happiness, reminded of the dark, the demons passed. Gives me hope.

Getting into a lot of photography, daily, and here is one I had taken.

It Fades

It fades,
The times,
It all, receding into a beautiful landscape, peace and calm all flow by.

Yet left, sorrowful,
For all my mistakes,
What I’ve done. But only trying.

Pain always lasting,
In my mind that never forgets,
Though I will it to.
My inability, my wall.
It blocks me.

Making the path,
Making what I wish,
An inevitable impossibility,
Though its all I want.

To try,
To be,
To heal.

Left with many sentence starts,
Thoughts and ponderings, in my head,
Trying to capture sorrow.
Trying to show sorrow.
Trying to unfeel what I do feel,
To atone for past mistakes.

Wishing an alternative,
When the mind cannot break from its path.
Being better,
Truly so,
But not. In one respect.
A sadness I live,
One I feel.

Incapable to get past,
Ignore and bury as I try.

A past I miss, missed.
Knowing,
My mind.
Gave up.

Stronger now,
But also not.
In many ways,
But a barrier persists.

Trying to find a way.
But hits up against a wall.
And I give,
It all to try.
But I know,
Know the fade.

As I try, to give my all.
Pondering into this moment,
All I can say.
Is sorry.

To it all.
As I recede. Knowing I’ve tried.
Never enough,
But. All is all. That’s all I’ve got.

Must I shut my
mind?
This I do not want.
But I know no other.
I have tried it all.

But all I can say.
Is I’ll always care.
To help at times.
Because that’s all I can do.
A promise made, always to be kept.
In all my flaws, it’s one promise I can make.


Been an amazing day, totally amazing. A great day. This saddens me slightly, no regrets. But regret for the past, in part.

The thoughts to the past, remind me of the broken. I am truly happy about today. Truly. But this makes it harder. Not to dwell on the darkness.

No regrets today. So much light. But this also shows a glimpse of darkness.

Sad for the past. Uncertain about the future. I’m happy, but also sad and fearful. Wish. Just wish I could be better.

A touching poem, it makes me happy and sad. It breaks me, knowing what the mind has always known. But. Well. That’s that.

I could stay on this bench pondering, thinking, for hours more. But I can’t, I must leave this landscape. And go. As I have to.

Reminded

Reminded,
So sweet,
Casual, in time this moment speaks.

With nothing,
But it still means,
It still means.

How,
A moment, offers a reminder,
Of a whole,
A moment,
A time.

A reminder of the whole world,
The smallestings things that bring back the life.
Bring me back to life.

Pulling, into the darkness so slick,
To grasp my hand,
Bringing glimpses,
Reality,
Forcing the dark to fade

Reminded,

Times, so whole,
More in this time,
Reminded.

Reminded in this time so new,
Of one quite old.
The continuity,
Gain, life and happiness.

Reminded.


Feeling really good, one thing today, made this whole week turn around, maybe longer than a week. What I do know for certain, is what I posted a while ago, about the branching path, the choice, I predicted what each was, as I had walked both. In the last (just had to look it up) 2 weeks, I’ve walked both paths (I can’t honestly believe it’s only 2 weeks, the feelings have made it feel like 4) and both have panned out exactly as I thought, I know, they always do. Now, back to the same choice, I have to make, feeling good right now.

Will put off the choice for now and bask in this happy feeling for a while.

Watching the Ghost Fade

Watching the ghost fade,
The places change form,
My mind moving yet also lingering.

Flashes before me,
Just below the sunlit sky.

Thinking, letting a past die,
Just leave,
End immediately.
Let me find peace.

The ghost fading, to a mere memory.
To nothing.

I stand here,
Going about my day,
The ghost fading before me,
Hoping for a fade to nothing.


Been more of a mixed day, but I’m okay, work good, my assessments all going well. Don’t really know if this is a storyesque poem or not.

Never Will See

Never will see,
Lost to time,
The way I saw you, felt.
And you laughed at me.

And just ended with a goodbye.
Lost to time.
Feelings,
Lost, left and starved in the cold winter frost.

The care, glowing warm,
Like a cigarette before,
Being stubbed out and left.
In the cold dark of night.

A final end,
To all the trying and care.

Never to be seen.
Left on that cold sidewalk,
In the depths of a winter’s night.
Left out in the cold floor of a winter’s night.
To fade away,
Irradiate all it’s heat and light.
In that cold winter night.
Never to be seen.

Authored Loss

An authored loss.
The finite time.
A inevitable end,
The author to the loss.
Sitting, in bliss.
Knowing it’s to come.

Grasping at every moment,
While it is in the here and now.
For if I blink.
It’ll be gone and missed.
Sorely missed.

My time,
To stop its fade.

An author to the loss.
The loss:
Due to time.

Every precious moment.
Kept and held.

Every small time.
Remembered fondly,
For next, eventually.
Will come the authored loss unto time.

Holding On, to Avoid Letting Go

Holding on, to avoid letting go.

Those memories, faded and cloudy,
Like a rainy day,
As I look out the window,
Longing, thinking.
Holding on to the thought,
Holding on to every memory.

That flower begins to colour and fade,
Wilt and dry out.
No matter what I do,
Water, love and care,
To hold on.

Not wanting to let go,
Doing all I can to remember,
Keeping hold of those dear memories.
Not wanting to say goodbye.
Tears forming,
Battering my defences,
All consuming my mind.

The realisation.
I fight.
Trying to hold on-
To avoid letting go.

The way we lose contact,
Life moving on,
Steamrolling over my soul.
Moving on,
Holding dearly onto those memories.

The realisation,
An unwelcome guest,
A hurtful presence.

After having been found,
After showing me how to find-
Myself.

The Sad Setting-Sun

On the horizon,
The sad setting-sun,
The orchestral symphony of colour,
The beauty soon to fade.

Tears streaming down a face,
Witnessing an end.
A finite into darkness.
Witnessing a new era.

A time of renewal.
Accompanied by an end.
Tears streaming down a face,
The sadness of a setting-sun.

The inevitable end,
Known in advance.
Hoped would never come.
The symphony of colour,
Soon to go,
Never to be the same.

The memory,
Also soon to fade.
Tears streaming down a face.
Witness of the end.

On to new beginnings,
Better times.
Tears still streaming down a face,
Witness of an end.
A time come to close.
A change so profound.

Waiting for a chance to stay,
Knowing the path lies ahead,
To take a step into the dark.
Off and away.

Tears still streaming down a face- the sad setting-sun.
To let go,
To walk down this path.
Turn turn your back.

To face the setting sun. A last goodbye.
The new beginning to come.
The sadness behind a setting-sun.
With tears streaming down a face.

Faltering

The wave passes,
My knees fall heavy,
Many people walk by

Unknown faces,
An oblivious world.

The pain seeps in.

The fear, worries, thoughts and pain of the past.
A toxic poison, dragging at my ankles.

I feel myself faltering,
Feeling the fade.

As I keep myself up.

The flashes of the past.
Filling myself with doubt and sadness.
Replacing this, with rage and defiance.

To stop myself faltering.
To save myself pain.
To keep myself on track.

But here, I feel myself faltering.