Fear of Happiness

How the fear takes hold, makes, warps every decision.
Breaks apart the mind.
Takes apart. Life.

The feeling

Thinking and swirling, mind out of control.

Pain, sharp and piercing,
A flame burning,
Blistering within my mind,
Wrapping around and smothering.

Breaking me from inside.
Throwing me into the dark sea of sadness.
Lost without anything.

As I try, and I try and try.
Waves crashing and stopping me dead.
As I try and tire,
It throws me, just throws me overboard.
Losing all the energy,
Just throws me, into a sea of anxiety.

Even now, I feel my mind,
Trying in vain,
To find happiness, I see the thoughts, but they’re swatted away, feared.

A mind, not my own.
As the demons have returned, stronger,
In that they control the escape,
They control the ship’s steering.
They block the view of any other way.

They tear, rip and shred.
Uncaring the demons torture.
They rip my mind apart.

Left with nothing,
But hoping for an escape,
Any path to take.
Anxiety getting too great.

Anxiety;
Over the fear,
Over happiness,
Over the fear of happiness,
Over the past and how it’s caused this.

Clawing at the sides,
Of this well as I drown,
So dark down here inside,
Seeing no outside.
Pitch black. As I fall down and down.

It all, getting all too much.
All too much.

I cannot stand.

I cannot stand it all,
Cannot stand anything.
Cannot stand the pain and anxiety,
How my mind fights itself and fights me.
How it corrupts and rips apart at my insides.

I want to feel happy,
Want to try,
Thinking even now,
After all this.
A small inkling of happiness,
I know, where to place my mind to find it.
But everytime.
My mind also shuts it down.
Shuts it out.
I see, I want to try.
But again, always, my mind is shutting it out.
Fearful, fearing, and avoiding.
Corrupting. Tiring.

It takes these small moments,
And it hides them,
Showing them as false,
Showing them to be illusions.
Showing nothing in the way forward.

How I want to try and hold,
What little hope,
I see it, off in the distance,
Even now, I smile slightly, at the thought.
Knowing it’ll be shut down.

But.

Hold onto the thought.
Hold onto the memory.
No matter the scars,
It holds me to life,
Keeps my attention,
Makes me feel life,
Onwards looking at it as it drifts,
Into the distance.
What a little, simple, ray of hope.

Even if it will be extinguished,
I’ll hold onto the thought, for just a little while.


Been on the verge of breakdown all day, sad and thinking, my birthday always causes me sadness, don’t want to do anything for it. Sad and thinking, spiralling out control. Sad. Thinking about me. Thinking about everything. Not tired but exhausted with everything. Sad about everything, so tired at work, so much I want to do but no time. Thinking and thinking. Always. Hopes, future, a crush and all sorts of shit. All bringing me down. And me helpless to try. Just exhausted. Sick and tired. My brain, seeing every bit of happiness and trying to crush it before getting hurt, or fearing getting hurt, scars of the past I guess. Scars I thought healed, forgot, over but the glass still cuts in my arm. The shard still in my mind.

So much I want to do in so many areas of my life, but too exhausted to try anymore. I have hope, but my mind crushes it, stops it, fears trying. I hope, I want to try, but so exhausted, so fearful it’s paralysing. I’m so done with everything and want it all to stop. Just want it to stop.

Tired of the constant pain. Anxiety. Fears. Emptiness and feeling.

I feel dead but unfortunately not, don’t like to say, but wish it true.

Funny how feeling can bring everything yet also take it away, at the same time.

Feels like PTSD of the past, causing me to fight happiness, to fear it, to put a stop to it. It’s a new feeling, one I cannot explain for the life of me. Cannot understand. It feels like a war inside my mind, one I’ve already lost. Fearing. Always fearing. Fearing life.

Hate it. All decisions, made for me, from the past. All fear. All hatred and hurt. Just hating. Wanting change. But all paralysed.

Any small happiness, for the smallest moment, and seeing, and then, I feel it, the slap within my mind, as it stops it dead. Replacing it with emptiness, or worse, depression. Unable to feel happiness in this state. The mind trying, and then slapped aside. The war going on within my mind, like its own entity, that I cannot even move, or shape, or try.

It’s sad, I’ve not been in this state or pure sadness in a long time, but it’s different, it’s different, this is one, not affecting general mood (although it is too) but affecting the movement of a mood from that state.

Been writing this on and off for many hours now. I don’t know. The little ray of hope, what makes me smile, even despite all this. I try. Try to hold on, to hope, to feel. I know it’ll be crushed. But I’ll hold onto it for a little bit. Before it goes.

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Face Of The World

Face of the world,
Trying, thinking, being.
Always trying,
Against the face of this world,
Trying with,
Always trying.

As I fall,
Stumbling across,
As the mind, the face,
I try.
Always try,
As I stumble,
Thinking.
Demons there,
But I turn my back,
To try,
To be.

Always trying not to think,
A pain of overthinking,
Trying to control.

Overthinking, the poison of the mind,
I’ve tried to remedy,
To fight so hard.

As I fall, to fight to get up.
To try and calm a restless mind.

Thoughts rage, as I fight to calm,
Stumble, stumble, and fall.

Trying to fight,
To rage my soul to being,
As it all falls,
And I try to fight.
To stand,
Pulling against the chains,
Weighing me down.
As I try.

Seeimg and trying not to think.
As I fight against my own mind. My own mind now,
Trying so hard.

Against the face of the world in my mind.

Slipping

Slipping as I try.
Try, try, try my all.

Giving all I can.
Just to try.
Fighting the world, crushing down.

But I try.
I tried.
Buckling under the weight.
Buckling as the world forces its true weight.

Feeling a ghost,
Wherever I walk.
Without knowing why.

Everything,
The good of the world,
Feeling like an empty memory,
Even in its presence.

Anger and emptiness,
Fueling my spectral walk.

Through the dark streets, dark fields.
Taking in the moonlit night.
The lights of the city,
Calming,
But still… empty.

The thunder, hail, rain,
Give me peace within its lack.

Empty, emptied out, into the night.
Tired.
Given up.

Lost in the world.
A world so empty and cold.
Lies told.
Creation of a world not my own.
Enough to fool myself,
For but a moment.

Some small peace from being.
And after, the moment is gone.

Staring out into the rain.
Let the rains fall,
Battering against my skin,
So unfeeling.
One where sadness cannot touch me,
Devoid of all feeling.
An uncomfortable state of being.
Giving in.
Letting be.

Giving up the fight so hard.

As the world cries the rain.

Everything fading, before my eyes.
Shivering so cold.

A world.
One where I cannot fight.
Survive.

Dying inside, every second.
Is this life?
Trying to distract the mind?
From the truth.

As I see it all crumbling before my eyes,
Helpless.
I tried.
Failed.

Now to watch the world.
Do what it does.

Laying helpless.

Finally giving up.
This fight after so long.


The picture I took today on a photography trip. An image I like, my phone doesn’t give the beauty justice. Saving up for a camera and intend to try and take it better. Standing on high, it was peaceful, but for a moment.

Just tired, empty. Don’t even know why. I’m not empty when distracted, but even then, is that living? Having to constantly distract yourself? Kind of like going the rest of your life without sleep. Eventually, you will fail. You will fall. You will lose the fight.

At least photography gives me a brief respite. But I truly just can’t.

When Trying Stops Fighting

That trying, stops.
Fighting ceases,
When the lies get too much.
Disillusion of the world.

Trying to push on.
Being thrown to the ground.
As the violin plays to close,
The song fades.

The world so well but empty,
Through those empty lies,
Empty times.

All those tries,
Always to the fade.
For all those times.

The world in all its worth,
Left unto empty words,
Those empty lies.

When trying to fight the fade,
The trying,
Then losing its fight.
When the lies can’t fight the truth,
To its all-fading.

Losing a sense of self,
A, part of your self.
Where the rage,
The fight tires out.

And the trying tires of the fight.


Been a good, busy and productive day. Yet some things, some things, and then the thinking, leaving it all empty.

Listening to my favourite song on repeat, that has meant the world to me for so long and have recently rediscovered; 21 Guns by Green Day.

Witness to the Pain

A witness,
To the pain of others,
Many, suffering and sorry.
I stand there, consoling.

Seemingly oblivious but knowing,
Of true pain,
My pain.

Witnessing others’,
My own, boiling from beneath.
Others,
All seeking help, kindness and consoling.
I stand here.
All unaware, of the pain I’ve felt.
Pretending, ‘what pain?’.

Knowing full well,
A demon’s grimace of pain,
A well-known sight.
A person’s face, showing such pain,
Another sight,
Of my well-familiarity.

Strength to put aside the pain.
To part the demons,
Move from my path all obstacles.
Move from my path all plight.
To shape what I want.
To brighten whereever I can.

Being…
A witness to the pain.
Pain so real.
Real to feel.

A depth, to rip open from the inside.
A cure, keeping hold.
Keeping hold of the light.
Light to shine my path.
Determination to brighten the life I lead.

To move along my path,
Determination, resolve and kindness to be my guide.

Only found.
This.
Through being.
Witness to the pain.


Had a good Christmas, a really good one. Realised after it, all the celebrations, so many people shared their pain, hardships, all in the family and friends, something that I’ve seen a lot (more from friends than family). And no matter if some may ridicule and insult me I have gone through great pain too, stronger and level-headed from it. But pain nevertheless, so much so the language, feeling, sight and understanding of pain, easier to understand than life, easier to contend with than breathing.

Sad to witness such pain, I can relate to, understand and also feel just to hearing it. But I guess I help?

Still…

The pain, hurts, helps, goes away and lingers all at the same time.

 

When writing this I haven’t published works in a while and wasn’t planning until I get better, expected it to be later but this poem spoke to me.

How far I’ve come,
How far I can go.

This, as many of my best poems, is dedicated to you who have helped me so much that you don’t know and I don’t understand, L.

Take Back My Night

Here I stand.
Reaching into darkness,
To take back my night.

To show my strength.
To take back my night.
From those who hurt and wrong me.
Showig them my true face.
Taking their power,
To hurt me.

And chucking them out.
Into the cold darkest depths where they belong.
My night.
My life.
My making.
To show my strength.
Taking back my night.

No time to falter,
I claim my rightful day,
My life for happiness.
No matter how the darkness tries,
It’ll never take me back.
I fight.
I stand.
In solid defiance.

To take back my night.
Defiance of the darkness.
Those bad feelings,
Hurtful deeds committed against me.

I am here to stand and fight.
To fight the pain away.
To make and claim my night.
Claim my life.
To take back my life.


Doing better, listening to music that gets me happier, don’t spend time on those who don’t care, on those who don’t see you for how amazing you are. If they don’t see. That’s their problem. Their future regret. The nicest people try to see good in those who don’t deserve it. I will see, I will look and I will empty my mind, heart, soul and care for those who don’t deserve it. Those who hurt me and continue to and those who there is no point in wasting my mind in trying to help when all I receive is pain.

The music gets me in a defiant and good mood.

Holding On, to Avoid Letting Go

Holding on, to avoid letting go.

Those memories, faded and cloudy,
Like a rainy day,
As I look out the window,
Longing, thinking.
Holding on to the thought,
Holding on to every memory.

That flower begins to colour and fade,
Wilt and dry out.
No matter what I do,
Water, love and care,
To hold on.

Not wanting to let go,
Doing all I can to remember,
Keeping hold of those dear memories.
Not wanting to say goodbye.
Tears forming,
Battering my defences,
All consuming my mind.

The realisation.
I fight.
Trying to hold on-
To avoid letting go.

The way we lose contact,
Life moving on,
Steamrolling over my soul.
Moving on,
Holding dearly onto those memories.

The realisation,
An unwelcome guest,
A hurtful presence.

After having been found,
After showing me how to find-
Myself.

Invincible

That care,

That hope,

That help.

Makes me who I am.

Brings me the strength in the silence, in the emptines.

Makes me live forever, in my actions, my words.

Makes something worth it.

To bring joy to those in pain.

Solidarity to the damned.

Connection to the helpless.

I shall have your back.

Hold your soul dear,

Fight the battles by your side.

And beat you demons back. While beating mine into submission.

I am invincible.

Let your demons fire up.

I will knock them down.

Knock mine down.

To protect those I love, those I care for.

Bring me the fight and I will be invincible.