Do You Know?

Do you know how I feel?
Do you know?
How I feel,
What I think.

Not wanting to hurt someone else,
Through how I feel.
Caring too much,
To ever hurt another.

Those amazing times hanging out.
To merely be there,
In the moment with another.
To care too much for another.

Do you know?
You need space?
You have it.
You need a call?
You have it.

I want to be there,
But also cannot as it hurts.

Hurts but those good times.
Are too good to lose.

Did you know before,
Seeing you with him,
Inviting me along to watch,
To see how you felt with him.
Did you know how I felt?
How it made me feel,
Happy, to see you happy,
Sad that it wasn’t,
Self destructive to keep watching.
All in the past now.

I am better now,
But.
Did you know?
Do you know?

I know,
I feel,
I felt.

Maybe I need to go.
But I don’t want to.
I’m so much better,
That’s the point.

I want someone who cares,
Who is there,
As they’d know I would always be for them.
Who cares.

Do you know?

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Caring to Goodbye

Caring to goodbye,
An attempted end,
Seeing you, close to another,
Saddens, yet also fills me with joy.
Knowing yu can be happy,
Even as I wish I could do that.

Knowing I care,
But caring hurts.
Knowing you,
But knowing it’s not good for me.
But also it is.
The best feeling,
Unparalleled in simple beauty.
Also dark,
In the overthinking of my mind.

I will miss the good times,
The helping, understanding friend.
Who never understood,
Never will,
How much I care.

I wish you to be better,
Wanting to avoid dragging you down.
A silent, caring goodbye.
Ended but darkness.
Abrupt and unknown,
May be the best solution.

But I don’t mind.
As long as you can be happy.

I care,
No matter if I try not to.
I care,
Even if I fool myself I don’t.
I care,
Enough to a painful goodbye I’ll never say.
Never say, to help you.

Easier to forget someone you hate,
Why you make it so difficult for me.
I can never hate you.
I have tried.
I will try most likely.

Wanting to avoid, when you find someone you care for,
That will break me inside,
But also make me happy, to see you happy.
I need to escape,
To save myself the pain.

A question awaiting answer,
Put off until recently,


I am better, sad poem, maybe but I’m not sad. Sad that this may be a last goodbye, but wishing all the best and as always all my care. But I need to let go, of what is good but never true.

Again, I’m okay but need to let go, of what I hoped but is never true. To live in the light and truth.

To Start Afresh

To start afresh,
Needs a change,
To throw away the old,
Make anew, renew, refresh.

How is this to be done?
Throwing away my memories,
Mind, emotions and self.
To make a change.

A well-needed change.
A time afresh.
Waiting,
To make this change.

Make myself anew.

It is hard.
But must be done.

The pain of now,
To alleviate the pain of a tomorrow that hasn’t come.

Off I tread,
To start afresh.


I don’t know if the poem sounds bad or that I’m down, but I’ve really had a nice day and a post I have read on WordPress has got me thinking.

Anger for a Lie

The lies you shared,
Refusing me the dignity of being,
Leaving me in torture,
Under your foot.
Broken and controlled.

Only others showed me your lies,
Gave me decency on your behalf when you refused.
Showed me basic human respect when you denied me.

Thrown off my chains,
Tearing my self out,
Out of the hurtful lies,
The bad situation.
The wrecked mind I had to piece back.

You, the orchestrator of my demons’ symphony.


Thinking of the past, how someone treated me, something I tried to forget. But stuff is happening like the same as before.

Finished writing later, not feeling so bad, a walk home, time to think, space, some good news and errands has put me in a better mood.

Cutting Myself Off

Cutting myself off,
Misunderstood, left in the unknown,
Unable to help those I care about.
Left out of the picture.

Patterns repeat,
Pain comes again.
Being warned away,
But not taking heed.
Needing to cut off.
To save myself.
Needing to cut off,
To protect, to help, to live.

I do not want to,
Cut away the feeling.
But it may save me,
By killing a major part.

A decision of me,
Decision of mine.
One I do not want.
Cannot take.

Funny,
How some things change.
How most others stay the same.


Feeling quite sad, sad I cannot help, that they do not know. The latter is for the best, but brings me great pain.

Considering legitimately, now, the first time in a long time. To cut myself off.

They have a friend, do not need me. I’m only the help for work, company or motivation.

I can do all those things for myself, but not worth doing it for another, if it only brings pain. But that’s the hard part.

It doesn’t only bring pain, but brings something so worth it, the feeling, that it makes the pain worth it.

I know this feeling, may be overthinking. But even then, one truth I know, my overthinking, is usually right, is the truth, but one I do not want to come to terms with. I need to. I have to.

Seems like it’s decision time for me. One I will make tonight, one way, or another.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Anything For You

Anything for you,

Bracing my demons,
To stand beside you,
As you face yours.

Anything for you.
Even from afar.
Crushing my soul.
Making it gold.

The confused feeling.
The rampant thoughts.
The pain you leave me.
To no fault of your own.

Crushing my soul under foot.
To stop the feeling.
Or so I try.
Until you revive it,
Despite my best of efforts.

Bringing me back.

Anything for you.
Even through the pain.
I’ll rise.
Stronger.

Anything for you.
No matter what people say.

Worth all the pain in the world.
Just to see you smile.
That kindly smile,
The cute laugh.
The puppy-eyes that make me melt inside.

Thoughts I’m told to leave behind.
Feelings keeping hold.

Care still there.
Anything for you.

My Realisation

My realisation,
My awakening.
The knowing.

The pain and heartache,
The happiness and bliss.
The realisation.
My pain.
Also happy.
Confused realisation.

Sad acceptance.
Continued path.
Off and onwards I march forward.
Into the bright unknown I have built for me.

Sad existential angst.
The heartache,
Ever-present but controlled.
Controlled but felt.
Felt but buried.

How I reconcile,
The unknown next step I’ll handle.

Burying,
Both the most dear,
And the most hurtful.

A golden time.
Clinging onto the bright horizon.
Even faced with the dark storm.

My realisation.

Beyond Heart’s Mention

The good times,
The fun ones.
Beyond heart’s mention.
Of the heart and of mind.
Hoping you never read this.

I try to go back.
Always hurts the same.

You,
One who helps,
One who listens,
Always kind.
Even if kept from my mind.

Always there,
If ever you need.

Never to be your burden.
For my mere problem.

I would love,
To back to where we were.

I’m there.
Always to call,
Always to listen.
Though I may have to keep my distance.

Know yourself,
Your strength.
The path you will forge.

The times once past.
Lost into time.
Remembered always.
Through the end.

Always, in memory.
In the depth of goodbye.

Just you escape.
Go on,
As you will.

I believe and hope.
Better without me there.

Just you, who needs to believe.
Forge your path,
Tearing apart the rough.
To forge it through.
Till your will.

To forge our paths,
Without question.

Beyond my mention.
My say.
With great reluctance.

Words from the soul.
Disappear with the awakening of the mind.
To make it easier.

In the end.

It’s beyond heart’s mention.


My drunkest poem recently, my most heartfelt,

Hoping for the best, even if I’m not there.

Drunkest but heartfelt and sincere.

Nine Inch Nail’s “Hurt”, my inspiration.

Sad Realisation

The feeling,
Dropping through your heart,
Displacing it,
Throwing it out of centre.
Throwing me out of place.

My mind thrown from the ledge I created.
My tower I built,
Crumbling before me.

Throwing me out of place.
My sad realisation.
Dropping through my stomach.
A sadness, claiming worth.
A sadness stating place.
Solidifying its base.

The mind throwing itself into circles,
My mind trapped in a maze.
Sad at falling for the trap of my own creation.
My own believing.
Thrown.
Having to go on.

Blind to my own realisation,
The one hitting me now,
So great.
Striking down the walls of my own thinking.
The foundations eroded.

All to do is to look up into the sky.
Getting absorbed in oblivion, in existence.
The void,
The existence.
A world formed before my eyes.
Taken away, ripped apart.
Before my eyes.

My own trickery,
Coming back to haunt me.
As I suspected it might.
To good for truth.
A time, an illusion.

A sad realisation for me.
My sad realisation.
The uncovering to be expected.
What I was blind to see,
Knowingly or otherwise?
Realisation hitting me.
Throwing me,

Oh this sad realisation.
The moment.
Turning in my mind.

A moment,

The sad realisation.