So Many Things

So many things,
So many things, I thought I knew.
It was real,
I know now is wrong,
My disability.
My reality,
Living,
In being.

In knowing.
I should know, should see.
But yeah.
Should see…


Wrote this Friday evening after going out with some friends. Not posted this on Friday because I was too drunk. Considered it after, but had to ponder what I had written, whether I meant it.

I am still not sure. And hence don’t feel like finishing it.

Many of the things ‘I thought I knew’ can still be true, even after that night where I thought I was so wrong. But, I know my overthinking.

Feeling a little better, not as good as when drunk. But. Feeling a little better than I have in a while. I don’t know what has been up, what is up. But yeah. Will have to try.

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The Simple Moment

The simple moment,
A simple time,
All laid, on the table,
Casual conversation through it all.

From nothing into being,
Casual time, after casual time.

This simple moment,
Simple, beautiful, but still so simple.
A casual being,
But made into perfection,
Through its simple nature.

Reminiscent,
Of how, you can see the world in a sunset,
On a cliff edge,
A seascape or a mountaintop.
Simple moments in time,
Simple moments of location,
Seeing purity from simplicity.
Such a casual-perfect endeavour.

When, you look, back-round.
A realisation hits of this perfection,
Nerves come around,
Kindness, unsual but found.
A simple time, able to show,
A true self buried deep.
Aspects ignored for being alone,
But now not?

These times, moments, so simple,
Yet also so perfect that it confounds my mind.
My brain, understanding the dichotomy,
While also not.
Like a puzzle when solved, but continues to pose questions.

A perfect night,
Casual night,
A mutual goodbye-hello.
From a time been waiting for ages,
While concurrently new and out-of-the-blue.

With so many chances,
Chance on chance on chance,
Making this night,
Line up,
Making us light up.

From the laughs and smiles,
The night’s remembered.
From everything and the feeling.
The night’s cherished.

From everything,
The feeling, simplicity and humanity.
The night’s legacy.

All from but a simple moment,
A night in,
Meal,
Conversation,
Between two nerds.

Uncapturable simplicity,
Uncapturable significance
Uncapturable perfection.
Cherished in all its meaning.

Goodbye or not. The moment lives on,
A reminder of goodness,
Of all that can.

This perfect, simple moment.


Writing this, trying to capture, the feeling, thoughts, seeing my friend yesterday, for our movie night with cooked dinner and Ben & Jerry’s chats of the past, goals, achievements, dreams and so much more.

Honestly, it was so casual, so, I guess ‘nothing’ but was a perfect night. A perfect night, being able to be myself, be nerdy, chatted Pokemon, something I hadn’t really talked about in ages. Their clear nerdy but cute capability to name them all, and know all things anime. Such a simple moment. One I wished I could capture, but know before writing this that I cannot. But that, I guess, is part of the beauty, as my friend in America says, (paraphrasing/ my interpretation) that beauty comes from the fleeting moment, its being in the moment. What I wrote last night, I felt drunk, very, but totally sober, drunk on life, happy with everything, ecstatic.

Now more calm, collected but still ecstatically happy. My mind running clearer again.

Taken Aback

Taken aback,
A chance occurrence,
From nowhere, it finds me,
After I had given up,
It shows me,
Nothingness isn’t the state of the world as it is.
Nothingness is a state of loss,
Of a person harmed,

Ever-trying, never to let go,
To fight back the the dark embrace,
This is it.
This is the light.

Taken aback, after I lost myself,
Let go of the light,
Lost.
Those times,
Occur, leaving me taken aback.
By the reality occurring.
By the time that happens.

Taken aback, as colour flows back into the world.
As warmth fills my gone-empty heart.

Oh how I’m taken aback,
From this state of emptiness,
Loss, of the world.
A loss, to the world.

But in such the briefest encounter,
Briefest words in such a temporary time,
I feel,
There is more.

There is a warmth,
That once again I can feel.

Finally Living

Finally living,
Content, renewed.
The feeling of pain subsiding.
Everything opening up.

Once the world was closed,
It now lies within grasp.
All that is needed,
Is to reach.

All needed.
Is to live.
To try.
To be content with living.
To cease hurting myself.
to let myself live

Now living,
Like for the forst time,
Forgotten the feeling.

The long dark nightmare now over,
Yet lingers at the back of my mind,
Unable to purge my mind of the memory.
Unable to heal the mind of the painful sting.
All there is to do, forget.
My biggest fear usually,
Here, my biggest saviour.

To forget,
Erase the mind,
Avoid the pain,
Get strogger,
Beat it.

Move on,
To find the life of happiness.
A life to live and not survive.
To find.
Finally have found.
Finally. Living.

Looking Through That Window

Looking through that window,
On into the distant horizon,
Hand on the glass,
Trying to touch the image.

A reality beyond my access,
The cold glass,
The warm horizon.
A world away.

All time passing in the landscape.
While I’m trapped, inside a time stuck. Still.
Looking out past this glass,
Into the the warm sunset,
That I cannot feel.

Waiting, wanting, thinking.
Feeling.
Feeling the yearning.
But beyond this glass barrier,
All I have is a numbing barrier.

The cold glass on my skin,
Cold eyes,
Going numb and tired.
Tired of,
Looking through that window.

The world,
Changing,
Moving,
Living.

Behind the glass I find myself placed.
Staring out,
Out into the world.
Thinking.

Trapped in this place,
Behind this glass,
A barrier to feeling,
To touch.

But then there’s that warmth,
A small flame of hope,
Just over that horizon.
Just beyond,
To be reached for,
To be found.

But for now.
I find myself.
Looking through that window.
The cold of the glass.

Looking through that window.


Thinking of a person I haven’t seen in a long time, they helped me so much. I kinda miss them. Miss them. But they’re probably busy and have a lot going on. But still. Remember the goodbye. But oh well. Time always passes.

I’m not sad, just thinking, I guess this is a storyesque poem then, kind of. I’m actually quite happy, having almost finished all my essays, in plenty of time. Also listening to a kinda sad song.

Bright Things Ahead

Bright things ahead
With my head about me,
Close friends,
Warm people.

A friend who means so much to me,
Helping me out the darkness,
When I lost my way,
They’ve found me again.
Brought me that helping hand,
That kind smile,
Inclusive attitude
A positive mental attitude.

Nothing can stand in my way.
I will make the way.
Show you what I can do.
What I will do.

Us, there’s no place we can’t go.
Nothing we can’t do.
Nowhere out of reach.
When we reach out,
Everything in our grasp.


Orchestral World

Oh what an orchestral world,
Standing here in the midst,
In the world.
A exercise of being,
Of living.

Total wonderment of being,
How I’m here.
The people met,
The places seen,
Experiences had.

How in the world,
Do I feel, like I belong,
With my friends,
Total homeliness,
To have met such brilliant faces.

The world made bright by my touch,
Having found my way out,
Out of the dark abyss,
And into the light.

Into the light,
I had long clamoured for.
Never believing I would seen.
Standing on the cliff-face,
Staring off into the setting sun,
Tear running down my cheek.
“I have made it”.

I have found.

The orchestral world around me,
The sights of beauty,
The sounds of life,|
Feelings of being.

I have found.

This orchestral world.

Finally Feeling

Finally feeling,
Finally feeling good,
Warm, nice and content.

A world of feeling.
Unable to explain.
The words escaping me,
The warmth of the sun, rising from the depths of night.
The happiness of a child, oblivious and free.
The freedom of an eagle, flying above all constraints.

I have found myself,
I have.
Finally feeling.

Finally free.
Running through all that stands in my way.
With care,
Kindness,
Compassion
And happiness.

The moment of finding.
The moment of feeling.
The freeing nature of being.

The uncovering.
The escaping.
The kindness that comes with being,
When one is found, when one finds.

A long time coming.
Long-time in the waiting.
Content and along the path.
Making my own path.
Freeing and running.

Off I go.
In feeling.

Finally.

Finally freeing.

Finally.

Finally.

Looking up,
Looking out,
Into the wide world to come,
A happy warmth, to be found.
Has graced me with its presence.
Provided me meaning.

Reignited,
The burning passion and fire,
That had been so close to dying.
Flaring up,
Into a bonfire of hope, happiness and determination.
To make my all worth it.
To make it through.
To drag others into the light, when lost in the dark.
Owing it to myself, to others,
Who have helped me.

Finally the light has come over the horizon.
A moment I never thought would come,
Even as I was always told.

A burning passion deep within me,
Finally being found.
Burning from the deep,
To reach on high.

To shake life to the core,
Make it mine,
To make it know me.

Finally, the happiness has come and reached me,
A hand reaching through into the darkness,
Plucking me out,
Dragging me out,
Saving me from the consuming darkness.

Finding myself on the outside,
Owing to continue the work.
Finally living in the light,
The bright warmth of day.
To push myself into darkness and try to pull others out.

The light shall guide me.
Save me from succumbing.
Shall save me from downing.

Finally, the light and warmth as my armour,
To fight away the darkness.
To move into the light.

Finally.

It has come.

I have made it.

It has made me.

Finally.

Holding On, to Avoid Letting Go

Holding on, to avoid letting go.

Those memories, faded and cloudy,
Like a rainy day,
As I look out the window,
Longing, thinking.
Holding on to the thought,
Holding on to every memory.

That flower begins to colour and fade,
Wilt and dry out.
No matter what I do,
Water, love and care,
To hold on.

Not wanting to let go,
Doing all I can to remember,
Keeping hold of those dear memories.
Not wanting to say goodbye.
Tears forming,
Battering my defences,
All consuming my mind.

The realisation.
I fight.
Trying to hold on-
To avoid letting go.

The way we lose contact,
Life moving on,
Steamrolling over my soul.
Moving on,
Holding dearly onto those memories.

The realisation,
An unwelcome guest,
A hurtful presence.

After having been found,
After showing me how to find-
Myself.