Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

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I Feel… Overwhelming

I feel, overwhelming,

Such joy and happy-sadness.
Overwhelming in all being,
Being and living.
Glad in the smallest moments,
Calm, confident sweet and free.
Free, caring and being truly me,
After so long,
Living in a façade,
Hiding because I had to,
Felt I had to.

But yeah,
Being,
Living,
Existing but feeling,
A part of the world,
Caring and being cared about.

A smile to make my heart melt,
Small moments that last forever,
But also feel gone too soon.

Feeling okay,
Okay to show,
To stand tall,
Tall and proud,
Of who I am,
Who I can be,
Can be okay,
Can show who I truly am.

A warmth in life,
One I’ve never known.
So small in those moments,
But those smallest moments…
So beautiful,
Making this world shine bright.

Proud to stand tall,
For all I’ve done and want to do.
Through my art,
To capture and show.
A message of beauty for all to see,
All in wherever you look,
To find the beauty when the eye beholds,
To make, see and find.
To be the holder of your own path.
To forge a way through.
To make it all work out.
No matter the odds.

Just needing to remember the gold,
To keep hold.


The post I made last, was a rough morning but it was all turned around, it was my anxiety, but it was all turned around on that shift at work by a friend I chatted to tonnes, chatted to tonight. Has been the reason for being confident and happiest recently.

Lots of stuff, also tonight I’ve finished binge watching Game of Thrones to this point, very emotional and thinking of my friend. Just happy, emotional, thinking and happy-sad. A happiness with a tinge of sadness, thinking about the future about the past, about very small things. Feeling so very very happy, content. Not everything in life is perfect, but it feels so that it is. Just thinking, just happy. Happy and emotional that it feels slightly overwhelming, very overwhelming.

Even just writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, a world better. I’ve been so good recently, unbelievable, I know the cause, know why, know what started all of this off.

All The Pieces

All the pieces of that sunset,
All those sweetest moments,
Those greatest of times,
All the pieces of a shattered time,
Falling into place,
Not without their moments,
Not without their trials,
But the pieces are fitting into place.

Confidence when it was all but there,
Happiness when living was all a wait,
Meaning when I had no outlet,
Voice after I had none.

The beauty of living in a time,
Being in the moment,
Living with meaning,
Meaning, my own,
Being,
Seeing and trying, with kindness,
Kindness in my heart,
In life and trying.


Clarity

Clarity found,
Place of being, feeling.
A time reminded, by those kind-hearted occasions.


Clarity, feeling better than earlier, not that I was feeling bad but conflicted. I think I’ve resolved it with the help of messaging a friend about stuff not even related to this. I can still walk clearly, freely, happily while still offering all I am able to help, all to try and help. Nothing more that I want to do in life more than to help those I care about.

Feeling much better, cant believe over the last week or two, I remember what started it all, so small and insignificant, but it’s made all life much easier to cope with, has made me happier in everything, looking forward. It was nothing, just a simple FaceBook message but it’s made it all.

Things are still difficult, many times, but it’s much more hopeful, much easier to bounce back. And most of all, much better to keep my mind on track and to steer it if it drifts off course.

This commission I’m a bit anxious about, not really anxious but wondering. I probably won’t get it as the person I spoke to said they’d most likely offer it to someone who’s more disabled by their health, but it’s worth a go and I’m trying. Just waiting to hear back now. It would give me an amazing project over summer to do.

We’ll see. But I still cherish the thing that’s given me so much life, soul, living, above all else. So much so that it’s probably pathetic. But I’m finally happy.

Happiest of All Feelings

Happiest of all feelings,
Feeling in place,
Confident,
Resilient to stressors,
A barrier in my mind,
Happiness holding up,
Against all stress that would otherwise crush me,
A prop to keep hold,
To push the demons away,
To see them for what they truly are.

Bringing,
To be with the happiest of feelings,
Feeling at peace in my mind,
Never been such a time,
Confidence, kindness and life.
Being and happy.
Existing and making it,
Feeling the warmth of life,
I had forgotten.

Had been lost and losing,
Giving up and waiting,
Not knowing,
How it being,
What needing.

The best of feelings,
The best of being,
Seeing and feeling.
Breaking apart anxieties,
Bringing forth some more,
But crushing those also.
To show the fears as lies,
The illusions of the demons within my mind.
A clearing of the fog,
Making pure,
Feeling and being,
In whatever is being done,
Not craving a mere distraction,
But being in totality.
Anticipation and looking forward and upwards,
Hoping and claiming such nice changes.

Being in and within the happiest of feelings.

As the landscape, the vista clears.
It all grows and glows warm,
Radiant and clear,
Beautiful life before,
Showing the truth,
One I had stopped seeing.
Stopped being and feeling.

A reminder of living,
By life of being, making, feeling.

Alive after so long,
So long the delusion, the lies trying to believe.
The substitute for nothing.
But now this feeling,
Tries to grow,
To shape and be.
As I try to keep hold,
Feeling anxieties try and grow,
But the feeling,
On my side,
Pushing back, and away.

Feeling in totality of being.
It all coming together.
Confidence to be,
To push the anxiety away,
To try and change,
To be better and make it all myself.


Been feeling amazingly happy last night and all today, even being late for work this morning, was shit, but didn’t get me down like it otherwise would have, lots of small things but I’m just happy and have been since yesterday evening and for the longest consecutive period I think. Feeling amazing and resilient to bad stuff, able to set my mind on the right track to get past the cycling of anxiety, worry, anger and depression.

Feeling amazing without words to describe, wanted to right about it last night but was too tired and wanted to go to bed earlier.

Just feeling so amazing, more than I have In, as long as I really can remember truly. Amazing. Feeling clear. Feeling nice and better within myself, within my own skin, within my own mind. Feeling able and confident to do good by me, to try hard. To do and feel proud.

Sadness of Beauty

The sadness of beauty,
Coming free from life,
As it’s to be seen.
Felt, experienced and lived.
Just being free,
Being trapped in the feeling,
Letting yourself go free.
Free to be.

Oh how it all wells up.
Like a sunset in full bloom,
All the radiant colours,
Beauty to be seen.
Colours lighting up the sky,
Colours letting free,
Freeing me.

Warmth from it all,
Living in the feeling.
Just thinking,
Of being free,
But in the moment it’s all.

Just witnessing the beauty,
As the world lights up,
Showing me the way,
Showing and freeing me.

Beauty from it all,

The colours and feelings,
Varied and happy,
Living and being,
Not letting a step go,
The step, in a journey for me.

To stand tall,
And give it a try.
To show my mark,
Live my life,
In the moment of feeling.

As I try to be.


Thinking, about lots. Myself for example, even work today, started rough but ended well. Lots of stuff. Beauty like in my photography but coming from sadness. Happiness, sadness, pain, and joy all being one and connected and inseparable.

On the bus today, felt suddenly overwhelmed when going to do some photography, an overwhelming sadness from happiness, felt on the verge to tears, but held it all in.

Sadness In Heart

Sadness gripping my heart,
What I cannot deny,
Getting harder,
Harder to ignore.

Can’t turn my mind away,
Can’t ignore all feeling to wait for it to leave,
The plague on my mind,
One that’s so kind but also hurts.

Thinking and thinking,
The worries plaguing my mind,
So many things,
In a state of change,
I have to find a way,
To navigate the confines of my mind.
That plague me with worry and fear,
Questioning every thought, feeling and outcome.

Gripping,
How this deep sadness plagues me so,
To a numbing moment.
Hurting,
aching.
Until I can set my mind to leave.
To see the world-flow.

That Flamed Feeling

The light,
A memory, so sweet,
Times feared from scars of my past,
A time nicer,
Shown.

A time,
Filled with hope,
Making my heart melt,
A heart I’ve tried to defend with iron,
To cover the scars,
To stop any feeling.
But all this,
Melts in the face of it,
Melts with that golden smile.

A small moment,
Nothing more,
But… what a moment it was.
A moment remembered.
Cherished.
So fleeting,
Such a moment it was.

Remembering,
The smile, innocence,
Such beauty in a mere moment,
No anxieties at that time, just being,
Just living,
Just feeling,
Alive in that moment.

No purest moment, I have ever felt.
Just free.
No words may describe that moment,
And I choose to keep it that way,
A moment in memory, emotion,
One there,
In the living of a mere moment.
A feeling, I cannot explain.

Why feelings may hurt,
They may bring despair,
Cause troubles and heartache.
But truly,
Truly, despite all this pain,
That may come, due to feelings of the heart,
No matter how remote.

It’s the feeling that fills,
That wipes away all else.
That erases within that moment,
Anything and everything,
But that very moment.

Giving bliss,
Giving, feeling for such that time.
One beyond compare.

A moment, that gives,
Life, in a true scene.
Bringing feeling,
A feeling worth all the time.
A feeling, being within this time.
Oh how, it feels, to be, to have seen.
How it felt, the mere moment within passing,
So fast, but pure,
So soon gone. But also not.

It, brings me to life,
Gives me a reminder.

A feeling that,
If it’s all,
Then I’m privileged to have seen.
A moment,
I remember.

A time my heart melted,
Their small peck,
How I grinned with such ecstacy, confused, happy, living within that moment.
The whole night.
But the best thing,
Was their smile,
Cute, sincere, a smile that could melt seventy Suns,
That could brighten up a room pitch black,
One that, made all the feeling leave me, while all the feeling flooded back.

Made the whole world fade out,
While I was stuck in a single place.

A feeling.
A happiest feeling.
A memory, a flame.
One that burns bright. That will always burn bright.
So long as I just remember,
Not losing sight,
Of life, from the fear and darkness.

Remembering just that true time,
Simple, momentary, but truly melted my heart into a mess.
To which they do so with every smile,
The sound of their voice,
Turns my head every time.

Trying to play-it-cool.
With epic-failure.

From all those times,
It goes to show,
And continues…
My heart just melts.


Been exhausted, tired, dead and sick all day. Relaxed, or tried to escape, thinking. Feeling a little better as of now. Feeling a little myself. Been dreading everything today, but I can’t escape myself. I can’t escape who I am, how I feel. It’s been, fear of happiness, fear of being broken again. Fear of everyone being terrible because I’ve been scarred to my core, more, psychologically, than I ever thought possible from what happened to me. I always down-played it as being nothing that I over exaggerated emotionally. But actually, it’s scarred, it’s stuck, a few people and my best of friend, validated this, said it has, would, but that there’s good reason why it did, dispelled the idea I had that maybe I blew it out of proportion, that I was totally out of my mind.

Am I still scared, yes, sort of, still scared of feeling, yes, still scarred of lots of things yes, scared of my Autism and life, of things that may or may not come. Yes.

But for now I hold a memory, and a will, to try and try, to live, to live and try. To be. To be okay with being me, flaws, weaknesses, strengths, funny quirks and all. May I fall again, most likely. But I can at least try.

Gonna write a cringy love poem, been thinking about writing one for a while, but been scarred of accepting feelings, scarred of writing, been bottling what I know I can’t bottle, I can bottle and cope with bottling almost everything, but this is something I can’t, never have been able to, it’s not how my mind, my own Autism works.

So yeah. Feeling a tad better now. Will hold onto one of the best memories I have, brief, cute, made my heart melt, I question and also fear. But thinking of it makes my heart melt in totality, and I hope I can continue, to not be afraid of feeling happy, to not try and hurt myself so I feel terrible just because I’m fearful of feeling good. I’ll try.

Hurt But I Feel Alive

Hurt but I feel alive,
Happiness, from this happy-sad feeling,
The times, as they all pass,
As they flow,
Nothing fully better,
But at the same time. Yes.

Important to feel and be, in the moment, to feel alive,
To be and find,
The motivation,
The being, feeling and time.
Being,
In this moment,
To see, what I’ll see.
To try against all the pain,
Just needing, this leg-up,
A leg-up to try,
To try and carry on,
To continue this path,
To clear the clouds of the mind.
To find,
To make the most of every moment, again.

To just be.
At peace,
It may be just for now,
It may last some longer,
But from forth,
It’ll all free me.
It’ll free me.

It’ll let me be me.
Let me be glad,
And feel alive.

Happy-sad, alive and free.
Just trying,
Trying to be,
Trying to cope,
Making the most,
And allowing me to be me.


Today’s been better, work busy but good but still felt like my mind was going to pull me down. I knew it was gonna, felt it while waiting at the bus stop. Saw some friends from work, ones I don’t really know that well. We chatted for ages at the stop and on the bus, this brought me back. Made me feel alive, better. Also a happy-sad feeling of being alive, hard to explain. Such a small thing, made me feel alive. Really can’t describe. Feeling so happy I’m kinda on the verge of tears, the small thing that always shone through and brought me happiness, it was a part of it. I guess poetically (irony for a poetry-blog haha) this small thing allowed the small light always there shine through even when I stopped seeing it.

Listening to a happy-sad song, Summer Days by Galantis, it helps, helps. This song, sums up a lot. The hurt, the feeling better, the sadness, the cause, the experiences and it all.

On my way to a photography location, felt tired at the bus stop, exhausted, going to go home and sleep and “waste” the day, the nice day, before my mind changing and exhaustion evaporating and having the ideas, motivation and inspiration to go out for the first time in a couple weeks.

Don’t Deserve, Through The Pain

No matter the good,
I am in chains,
In pain,
A living that is not my own.
Chained to life.

With nothing left,
Nothing gives me life.
Pain greets me, with every breath I take.

Something wrong I know.

I do not deserve,
Cannot,
The goodness has to kill me.
It crushes deep everytime.

It crushes my soul.
Tears me apart.


Thinking, had an amazing time in London, Dion photography, took like 1000 photos today. Been on 3 photography trips over the last few days, after a long rut I have gone back into photography full sprint. Today was good, facing strong anxiety, London has always given me great anxiety as a kid till now I guess. In 5 years in England I’ve been to London 3 times. Two of those three were since I finished my Masters. The other one time I couldn’t get out of it as I needed a heart scan in London. Finally feeling better, stronger and getting over the anxiety over London, after the start I could actually relax in London, after stressing about it on the journey there.

But even despite the really good day, the good last few days, still thinking, about me, Autism, existence, having a crush, and it’s all getting too much. Even on those best of days I’d rather not exist, leave and never be heard of again, also just forgotten by everyone who knows me. But too weak, and also chained by the bonds I would not want to inflict pain on others. But then, it’s a living for others rather than wanting to myself. Thinking of a crush and it’s like, it’s saddening. I see myself getting happy thinking of conversations and all sorts of stuff, but when I notice I’m happy, I crush it all out. To stop the pain, to stop thinking, lying that I could ever be happy. Also that because of all of me I guess I don’t deserve it, I’m too weak for it, so I crush myself to dust.

Like a self perpetuating cycle that exacerbated itself. Like being to tired to do something fun and hence you become sadder and more tired and sadder still. Like me before, but what’s different, with being tired you need to force the single time to get back on track, while this? I can not argue with the facts. Fact, I’m alive, fact I’ve not met expectations I have, fact if I didn’t lie to people daily about how I’m doing they’d be shocked and stunned, even by the mere way I live.

I don’t deserve anything good, but this makes me more and more sad. But I guess that’s the natural progression from not deserving anything good,