Beauty In The Feeling

In this feeling,
Present in the moment,
A shining light,
Beauty, in the feeling,
The sad and happiness,
Beauty in being, in feeling.
Being swallowed whole,
Its individuality, collective experience,
A world experienced,
World on show,
World felt and getting to know.

An experience,
A memory,
The pain, hurt,
All just to make,
To share, feel and see.

Just to hold on.

As the world shines,
Radiant even when alone,
World as it shines.

Making it whole,
Making its worth.

As it goes,
To feel,
Experience,
A beauty in the feeling.


Writing this, feeling mixed, weird. Been watching a lot of YouTube videos about photography of all types and what I want to get more into. It’s been really weird, totally alone for Christmas, weird, but surprisingly okay, but also weird. Just feels like another day. I know it is only just another day, it’s people and societal constructions that make it ‘special’.

What’s got me amazingly happy, mixed and feeling, thinking, thinking of photography, my photography and philosophy of my photography; to capture a moment, it’s feeling, sight, memory and warmth. Just reminds me, the thing that made this Christmas really good, quite sad haha, the friend I wrote my last poem about, messaged me at like 3am on Christmas Day (time zone difference) and yeah, haha, were the first and probably only person really to wish me a happy Christmas and we chatted for a bit. Haha, feeling a little crazed happy, feeling, feeling and thinking.

Which leads me back to thinking of photography. Just the feeling it can produce. Thinking of my photography trip, seeing people together and some alone, kind people and showing kindness to random people I met, feeling of experience, being, a commonality of experience of humanity while also individuality. As humans, all problems and toils, individual as they may be, somewhat cathartic knowing you’re not the only one going through anything. Something I’ve been trying to help family members understand, somewhat validates and provides some small beauty, comfort, against the pain.

So mixed but happy, and deeply pondering I get distracted when writing. Will spend a while tonight deep in pondering.

The picture is one of my favourites, taken by chance, the person got in the way of the shot I wanted, but makes it infinitely better, and I’m so glad. This is the proof, to the beauty of being, feeling, capturing and also beauty in moments of pain. Even if it never feels like it at the time. Collective experience, being, individuality. But I guess I need to finalise this post or I could write for hours.

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Missing

Missing,
The time, the place,
All that time ago,
So much has changed and gone.

Always good to see,
Missing the time,
As the sun shines,

My eyes to capture the sight,
To live, in the moment, in time.
Here I am,
To see,
Witness.

To ponder,
To strive,
A world better,
All making,
In the making.

In the world so light,
To weather the storms,
To try,
Against the dark storm clouds,
Only to end up past.

To see,
To feel,
To make and be.

And as I recall,
Missing,
I remember,
I see,
And filling,
With joy,
As I remember,
So many times past,
So much fun,
And only onwards,
On into the future.

To make,
To be,
To live.

Better than before,
Stronger and free.
Missing,
But better,
And being.


Has a pondering day, good day of more photography. But, feeling, missing a friend of mine who’s on an amazing trip abroad and always cool when we chat, about our art, about random stuff. Thinking back. Feeling good.

Even Though

Even though,
I try,
I be.
Experiences,
It all occurs.
A holiday.
To truly see.
To appreciate,

It all allows me to see.

Even though,
All the times,
The being,
Living in the time,
It all allows me to see.
To put into perspective,
As I try.
Allows me to try harder,
As I can see.

It all.

It all.
Allows me to see.

Trials,
Trips and ponderings,
As I.
Can be.


Amazing day, amazing chat with an old friend I’ve wanted to see for ages, amazing times and feeling grateful for an amazing boss and all the amazing people at work. Amazing! And excited for a film in the cinema to see! So good!

Unforgiving Perspective

Unforgiving perspective,
One I try,
I owe, to do my best,
To try and make the world better, Brighter,
Because…
I owe.

I try and owe this.
Unforgiving,
Myself.

Even if all is okay,
In my head,
The overthinking,
It isn’t. It isn’t enough. What I do.
So I try, try and try.
Always wanting to do more.
Always oweing more.
So I try.

On with an unforgiving perspective.
I owe.

What’s worst,
If all is okay and well.
I hurt,
I, not hurt.
But want to do more.

I feel I owe.
I try.
And am never satiated,
Always unforgiving,
That I don’t do enough.

A story, perspective, on my life.
Always trying my best,
But never satisfied.
So until then, I try.
And want to try and do more.

A world away from the past.
How far I have come.
So much done,
That felt impossible.
I try.

But always unforgiving with what I try.
The trying.
Willing myself to action.
To try.
Fulfill a debt I have placed on myself.
Being.
Trying.

I try.
I hope its enough.
I try.
Though I never feel it enough.
So I try.
Try,
Keep on trying.

I owe.

Even as all is okay, I owe.
I feel,
I try.
But unforgiving in perspective.

Trying, to find a way,
To know,
To forgive myself,
To know,
To be.
To feel,
Okay, with trying.

I think. Feel. Try. And be.

But the perspective doesn’t leave me.
It doesn’t.

For many years,
This.
I try.
All I can do.
I need to.
Need to try harder.

Each memory, thought, burned into my mind.
Wanting to try harder.
Hurting.
Even as all is okay.

I don’t know.
I need to.


Writing this, thinking, mistakes. How I can’t forgive myself for many things even though I really know I should. I should.

I try, never feel it enough. Constantly reminded I know, I work, I’m friends with amazing people. Even if nothing is wrong, I don’t feel okay, don’t feel I’m doing enough. Even though I try. Even if no one’s said anything.

Don’t know, I forgive others without a second to think, but myself I cannot. I know I should. But yeah.

Thinking of my past, what was impossible and I have succeeded with a lot of it, going to Uni, doing any of it. Having got a job. So much. So much I’m grateful for, eternally grateful, but even having got so far, I can’t forgive myself.

Thinking of my diagnosis, and an article I read about Autism that had a high percentage of people with it cannot get a job, find it difficult doing simple things. A lot I’ve managed, with help from all amazing people. Yet I cannot give myself some slack. Maybe I should? I don’t feel I should. I owe it, owe everyone. But leaves me to being unforgiving of all I do. Not feeling I’m doing enough, even if I know it’s all I can. Always trying.

Everything is good, writing just thinking, of how I’m too harsh on myself but I really can’t help it. Never have been able to. Since I was a very very young kid. I don’t know. So I try to make up for it. Something I always thought of, as a penance, something I owe.

Yet I can’t forgive myself, even if I try my best. Everything is going okay, but still, the overthinking. I really can’t help it. I try. But my trying never amounts to as much as I really wish it would.

So I try. I keep on trying. To maybe come close to what I feel I owe, I try.

And I hope it can be good enough. Even if it is, I never feel it is. Oh well. Overthinking. Always.

People often don’t get my way of thinking, years ago, drunk, I told a boss I try, because I owe it to my job, I would have had to drop out of Uni if it wasn’t for my job. This isn’t why I got it, but every day I feel I owe. So I try. And always feel I owe more, need to try more.

Everything is okay, just overthinking. Always. But I try. It’s all I can. I can only hope all I can is good enough.

Picking The Times

Picking the times,
Picking them out,
A wealth of feeling,
All the options open,
Without any choice,
Collections from the past times.
From it all now gone,
Now not.

Feeling to pain,
Good, bad and all in between.
Pain. Total, eternal.

Asking how,
Even the best feeling causes pain,
And off,
I am.
Thinking, feeling.

With the picking of the times.
A test,
Reliving,
Refeeling,
A moment playing over and over again.

So many,
All there,
A lifetime away,
But a second away within the mind.

In the mind,
Away from the eyes,

Oh how it goes,
A time,
Picking and choosing,
Picking of the times.


Today’s been good, thinking, felt sad and really happy at times, constantly switching. Imagine, picking an emotion, a feeling, like a book off the shelf, with a memory, a large collection you can pick anything, any feeling. But I say, you can pick, but without choice of what is chosen.

A memory for every feeling, every emotion. Been thinking on this for hours and hours now.

For many years, if not my whole life, always could have mood changes, from an extreme high to a extreme low, in the time it takes to have a single thought. A thought.

Light, For The Setting of the Dark

Light,
As it comes,
For the setting of the night,
The darkest skies,
Lit up, before my eyes.

Opened wide,
Radiance and kindness alike.

Remembering,
Feeling,

A beauty of the world.
Through its radiant shine,

Remembering the bright,
It all,
In place,
Flowing into the night.
Mixed thoughts,
Memories kept.
Reminding, remembering.

Never to forget.

As for, the light,
Remembering the times,
With the light flowing, into the night.


Writing this, spent a relaxing night, watching my favourite tv show, The Walking Dead, was an emotional rollercoaster. Now thinking, of a dear friend haha. Also did more photography today, not much, wasn’t good weather, but a little.

Happening

Time goes,
With the happening,
The time flows,
Places, come and go,
All of it,
The happening.

Comes to be.
Moves in and out,
Uncertainty, with being.
Being with living.

As it all flows,
On and on,
Currents twisting and turning,
In their uncertain paths.

Paths that come and go,
Ponderings in the world,
Questions in place…


Been a good day, really good, has made a lot brighter, but as evening comes, I go back to thinking and feels little sad, but at peace.

Path To Be Seen

There It is,
The path that is to be seen,
Amongst the unknown,
I can find.
I can be.

Not knowing my path,
Finding a knowing,
One that sets me free.

Seeing the world,
Seeing its normalcy,
Content,
Being and to be set free.

A path seen,
Amongst its lack of clarity.
The place found.

Finding and set free.
Set free by the casual.

Finding to be.

As the world,
Rings out.
Its confusion,
Trying to find a path,
Make a trek,
Finding,
A path,
To find,
To be,
Me.

Let it all.
Just be.
Letting it ring past.

Amongst the calm night.
It is, let be.
As I, let it be.


It’s been a good day, did a lot of photography, sorted plans for more and plans for doing my own independent research and as one of my lecturers suggested, sending a revised and added-to essay I wrote for them to a journal. Don’t have enough time, but as always I’ll make time. Also my best friend, we chatted a little today, and I’m looking forward to spending their birthday with them!

Just wrote a comment on my favourite photographer nearby’s social media.

My true aim is, to capture beauty in normalcy. Not having to go somewhere exotic or far away, you can find beauty, inspiration and pristine bliss wherever you are. You just have to look. Even if it is hard, you just have to let your mind look.

Words To The Feeling

Of it all,
Pondering,
Pain,

A world so real and full of it all,

To feel,
Be,
Validated, without intention,
Making, what was real,
More so,
A burden lifted.

Helped through the time,
To keep,
Defiance by my name.

To hold truth,
To rage and be,
To understand and feel,
Allow the pain to be real,
To heal over,
Make true.

To be.

To allow,
To heal,
Defiantly,
To rage into the pain of life.
To remember the strife,
Caused.
Broke me,
To allow me to see.

Thank you,
With all my gratitude.

Bringing forth a flame to burn bright.
Letting me see, see and see again.

There are none.
No words to express.
Words to the feeling.


Hung out with my best friend I haven’t seen in ages. They apologised for not being able to meet up, not making time. Truth is I avoided it. Needed to sort stuff out. Finally got to see them and feeling a world better.

One thing I said, they thanked me, for putting the words to the feeling, something they didn’t know how to put. And hearing that lit me up inside. Happy to help, understand and be understood. Helped to validate pain I felt without seeking, needing or wanting it.

Amazing day, work was hectic but got stuff done, felt a bit bad at work, just my mind, always trying my best and never being good enough as I want, even if others don’t think that. I do, always wanting to be better. Then seeing my friend was amazing in the silliest and mundane things but was amazing. Seeing another friend in the evening.

Feeling good and things are lifting up.

Can’t Help But Think

Can’t help but think,
Feel, see and think.
A time,
One of many past.
Reminders, of all.
Oh how, what?
It all fills my mind.
Drives me crazy, but happy.
Wondering and thinking.

But what?
How?
Why?
Oh my brain hurts,
With all the questions and feeligs,
The being,
Bringing me,
Showing,
Hurting but also showing me life.

I turn away,
Ignore,
Walk down the path,
Shielding from my eyes,
Fearful of pain.
Wondering,
But fearful of the pain already felt,
Already found.
But knowing.
Thinking.
Feeling.
Wishing I could get past.

Oh how I care and it kills me,
Wanting to care,
Give the world,
Be a light shining bright.
To care.

But as I shield,
Pretend to ignore,
My mind acclimatises,
Forgets what it never will,
Feins to not know,
Bury deep questions that would crush.

Not a path I wish to take,
But one I can’t find a way around.
Caring.
A question, always causing pain.
But not always bad, but always hurt.

Oh how to explain,
Caring that hurts, but isn’t bad.
Caring that just is,
Just is caring.
A state,
Of being, been and to be.

Of it all.
I.
Can’t help. But think.


Totally amazing night, with old friends I haven’t seen in ages. But it’s got me thinking, deep pondering. Not feeling bad, but amazing, but deep in thought in a mixed way. Writing lots of, probably incoherent feelings here. Truth and ramble.

But the image is another I’ve taken.