Looking Up Into The Sky, Seeing Your Eyes

As I look up into the night sky,
I just see your eyes,
As I stare, encapsulated.

Always remembering that first night,
How I wonder.
How things changed.
How times change.

And I am left staring alone into the night sky.
Only seeing you,
Your eyes,
Brighter than the Sun,
Kind, and bringing me to life.
I write, this, never wanting to move,
Wanting time to stop,
As I look up and see your eyes.

But times have changed.
I have to go.
To save myself,
From heartbreak that will never go away.
Always with care,
To always be there if you need.

But I must go.
To save you the pain,
Seeing me break.
Seeing my heart break everytime.
I wonder if you ever cared.
To see my heart break.
But I pause.
And remember.
Looking up and seeing your eyes shine.
Ever so bright,
As ever before.

Beauty without compare.
Beauty in eyes, and in your soul.

I always will save.
A special place,
For you in my heart.
Even as I say goodbye.

Reluctant, but I must.

Now as I try,
To tear myself away,
Difficult,
But remembering I’ll always care,
Fills me with hope.

Always wanting to see your smile.
But knowing I cannot.
It will hurt, but also give me life.

So I say goodbye,
With a heavy heart, and a heavier soul.
Knowing it’s goodbye.
In one way or other.

I can’t break myself anymore.

Though it’s never something you’ve done.

It’s my heart.
I care too much,
And I can’t,
It’s not fair on you,
Nor me.

So I try,
To shut off my mind,
Yet will always keep open my heart.

So I move on.
Knowing,
Nothing will replace,
But the memories stay,
The times remembered.

In every sunset,
I see your face,
Remember the times gone past.
Knowing hope,
From having met you,
For but the briefest time.

A time that cannot be replaced.
But I leave happy,
Having met,
You having touched my soul.
Like no other.

But that is fine,
It’s okay,
I’m happy,
To have met, to have seen your smile,
To have seen your face.

You’ve touched my soul,
More than you can ever know.

For even if you have no feelings for me,
I don’t care,
For I do and keep them.
But goodbye is how I go.

Always caring and hoping,
You get all the best,
For I care.
But only wishing I could share in your success.

But I say goodbye,
Caring from afar.

But I’ll never be far,
If you need to talk,
Will travel however far, to be with you so you’re not alone.
Will be there in the difficult times at your beckon,
Or there in spirit if you don’t.
To offer any comfort and support.
That my body and soul can provide.

For I care,
And always will.
For you hold, this special place in my heart, and that will not change.

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Just to See

Just to see,
The reason and the being,
I finally see.
Can feel the life flowing through my veins.

The reason etched in my heart.
Why.
The why.
Life made true,
Me true, in knowing,
Knowing and finding,
From which the finding comes results and change.
The change itself from the determination of will.

I finally feel alive,
Knowing and wanting to be.
To try.
To make my mark,
To live my life.
It gets hard.

But knowing my reason,
Is the cure for all these ills.
The truth of me.


The day started rough. First day on antidepressants. Nauseous and excessive yawning like every 5 minutes. Felt sick and tired. Slept when I got home as so tired.

But had a catch-up and 3 drinks with a friend, chatting about lots of stuff, relationship stuff, his and mine. But yeah. Was nice. Was nice to help, to know, he said I knew a lot more about shit he’s surprised I did. Told him. It’s because I’m good at seeing the person they themselves hide from sight. Seeing past the facade, because I know I have many of my own I’ve been living for many many years. I can understand people more than they know. And I’ve found this often scares most people. Oh well.

It was nice, feel more in love, much better than I have in a while, remembering all my efforts for self improvement and bettering many aspects I’ve needed for ages. Remembering the reason, it’s all for me, but love was the reason to choose to do it now and make it work, to succeed. For the moments had, the happiest moments ever felt. I will get better. I know.

Because. More than ever in my whole life, I have reason to. That’s the thing, all these things needing improvement, improving may be difficult, but the hardest thing for me always has been. Finding the reason to bother to. The reason to try, the reason to change from the norm. But for the first time ever, I’ve had a true reason to try to make it all work.

And I know, when I find something I know I want to work (like Uni was for me) then I will succeed because there is no other alternative, no option, just success or success

Make That Scar Fade

I stand here,
In face of it all.
Standing to make that scar fade.

Journeying forth,
Seeing the struggles of the past.
Seeing the pain caused.
Not to repeat the same mistake.
Not to let the past pain haunt,
To let the past pain keep me in chains.

Seeing the trauma,
Creeping its way into a new life,
To corrupt through fear, worry and scarring.

Finally, finding something,
Someone that sees,
Someone that understands my scars.
As they have many of their own.

They have been there,
Understanding through it all,
As my brain’s been on meltdown.

Letting the past scars and trauma consume me with worry.
Corrupting me into who I was lost in before.
Taking everything from me.
Losing my own perspective in world.

But I try to stand.
Shut the scars out.
To make a stand.
To accept this new time for what it is,
For a new era.
An era not defined by my scarred past.
By the pain felt before.

Trying to control,
My mind fearful of the repeat of my death. And so it shuns,
It leaves. It runs to hide.

I know it’s different,
Not malicious or hurtful,
Not aimed or ripping.
This. This is new. This is care.
A confusing life yes,
But it’s new. It’s care. Apologies for a new confusing life.
And this I can cope with.
We are all scarred in all so many of our own ways.
Humanity’s shared collective,
Shared scars, even if different.
We have all fought all our own battles,
Some have been through, some have been through different.
But understanding through those collective scars. Collective experience.

I will be better.
I was shown,
Shown my thinking.
Shown the hole my brain put me in.
To protect me from the past.
But it’s all past.

The scars,
I thought had healed,
What was done to me,
The wound exploded open before my eyes,
And I didn’t see.
I failed to see.

But open to my friends,
This second time around.
Open to life.
To see and heal.
To keep this would shut.
Final and once and for all.

I have found,
I have seen.
I will now bow down.
I shall rage and rage.
Into the darkness,
Till I turn it light.

Holding on.
To shut the scars, the wounds inflicted,
So deep beneath the skin,
Carved into the mind.
Deeper than I could see.

But thankful,
People saw and helped.
Thankful,
For this person, who’s changed my
life.
No matter what may come.
Allowed me to see, grow,
Suffer hardship, and grow stronger.
To see in many ways I did not.
To live a life, so different from my past,
To see, to open my eyes,
To a new perspective.


Been going through a really rough two weeks, if not probably longer, sorting stuff out in my head. Said goodbye to someone I care about deeply. More than anyone else to be honest. It’s been rougher than anything else. Saying goodbye, yet I try to check up on her to make sure she’s okay, all too often. But when I do, I realise there’s nothing I can do, we’re not talking.

Talking to a mutual friend they gave great life experience and advice, I showed myself without seeing until I explained and then did see how the past scars still held me, even when I thought they had closed. They hadn’t. The deep-rooted fears and anxieties and traumas.

Causing me to wreck everything rather than risk going there again. And only causing more damage in an attempt to avoid it.

So I’m changing everything. Being healthier in so many aspects, healing my mind bit by bit, changing my thinking, trying to be better. An uphill battle. But trying anyway. It’s getting easier, calmer, less painful, but also maybe less feeling. I don’t know if that’s good. But if not, I’ll sort that out too. Doing this all for me, so I hope I can be there for them. As I care, been through similar scars that they are going through, and care about nothing else, than to just be there to help them through it, even if it’s just to chat shit and distract them.

A Sign, Unexpected

A sign unexpected,
Beyond any expectation,
Beyond any glimmer of comprehension.

A sign, showing me truth, showing me care,
Showing me confidence.
But also, showing me my scars,
My wounds, I had thought healed,
Opened and festering.
Without care I hoped to close,
To ignore.
That it had disappeared.
It hadn’t.
Just resided until again.

The pain still raw, still real.

It’s showed me.
The need to close,
To heal,
To end the chapter.
To cease its pain.
So a scar left will just be that.
A sign, a reminder, of the past.

It’s showed me.

It’s truly showed me.

From this sign, unexpected.
From a place unknown.

A message never expected.

A truth to be known.
A truth I didn’t see.
But now see clear.

I still, with this sign,
Know what to do,
But not the way.

I can only guess,
And truth my heart and mind.
To let go of the pain,
To let go of fear,
To see and to trust.
To rebuild,
To remedy.
To be kinder to myself,
For I’m here trying after all my struggles. After all the pain and scarring.

To find and cope.
To make whole again how I had been shattered, so long ago.
Yet the cracks remain fractured wide.

I will try.
I will try.

The first step was sight,
To see the pain still beneath,
The scars still left open.

Hopefully I can get peace,
After those scars are closed.
Hopefully I can find,
Be ready to find what was lost,
When I do this.


A happier poem has been long overdue, this is happy-sad, writing this way too late before work tomorrow but I have to for me and my mental health.

It’s happy and sad, happy for finding, happy for being and seeing, sad for losing, but happy for the hope of it getting better and maybe getting back what I regret to have lost. But needed to for getting back on track and a new perspective.

I aim to write a blogpost on another blog I have about hardship and how it should be embraced and learnt from for its forging elements. But will do that another time, hopefully tomorrow unlike I planned to today.

I haven’t added an image to a post in a long time. But this one deserves one. I was going to look at the site I usually went to. But was looking for a meaningful one. But. It hit me. There was only one image. The image that changed me, the time that changed me, the sunset I can never and would never want to forget. The one that started this life- and mind-changing journey. Started the confidence, the care, the pain, hardship and growth. It started it all.

I Hope

I hope,
Things get better,
Just better for us,
As the drift and fade may take.

But. I just hope.
Hope more than I can.
Hope to the whole world.
Hope,
Even as I’ll miss all the times.

Missing those such good times.
Times that’s shaped me,
Forever.

All I can,
Is hope and try.
But never forget.
How you shaped me.

Gave me hope, kindness,
That I never had.
I’ll never forget.
Can never forget this.

I never want to,
Forget the lessons shown.

Giving me such light to my soul.

Such light and hope.

I wish you every kindness,
That the world can offer.
I wish it all to find you.

I’m sorry.
That the path made was this one in end.
But not the journey, strength, hope.

A path I’m glad I found. You.
I’m glad.
You’ll never see this,
My gratitude.
The positive impact.
The hope and kindness.

But I hope the message reaches your soul.

As you’ve shown life to mine I cannot describe.


Writing this, happy-sad. Thinking, the way my life’s been changed. Been changed all for the best. Everyone working out their own things, their own journey, mine included. And despite how things appear. Mine’s been changed for the better. Purely for the better, even if I may not see it at times or many times. A special place in my heart for these times, a special place truly.

I Have The Memories

I have the memories,
The times past,
Times left in the balance.

Memories of a time.
Memories that no one can take,
That nothing can erase.

Of the times past.
From my past,
Memories that live on,
In the confines of my mind.

Pleasant memories,
Memories of kindness and care.
That I can hold on to,
Even as time fades.
Into the past,
Yet I remember clear,
Unlike any others,
Unlike other times.

But I remember,
Those times fondly.
At least these,
I have to keep.
Have these to remember and hold.

But these are mine.
Mine to keep.
Remember the changes,
How far I’ve come.

How far I’ve grown,
I’ve had to,
How care continues.
I haven’t,
Been hardened by a world so cold.
But fought to keep the flame burning bright.
To keep true.
To keep true to myself,
To knowing, to me.

To be all I can be.
To just be.


This poem is reminiscent, of an old one I wrote, many years before this blog, one that got published. I’ve grown a lot since I wrote that old one. It was a poem about memories, keeping them, no one changing or taking them.

Take Your Pain

What I’d give, to take your pain.
To take your pain,
How I see, how I feel.
Your pain, as my own.

Pain, I know all too well.
I’ve seen and lived.
Pain that’d broken me.
Over and over again.
Seeing it, once again.

It’s a pain.
A pain I know.
One I’d take again.
To release from it.

I write, to question.
To ponder.
To say, I would do this,
I wish to take that pain.

Watching it,
Pains me.
Seeing it,
Haunts me again.

To see,
When the soul breaks down,
It breaks apart.

I am sorry.

I wish I could.

I want to do so.
Take the pain,
Save another.
Pain I have become so accustomed,
Even now,
I cannot distinguish pain from its lack.

But I fight,
Knowing who I am,
Who I want be.
And I,
I will,
Fight my demons,
And beat them.
To help you.
To help you with yours.
That’s.
A battle.
I can fight.
I can win against my demons.
Filled with strength and meaning.

I can fight and win my demons.
To find my best self.
My true self, meaning.

But I try.
Seeing the pain.

But.
You try.
To hide your pain,
Knowing mine.
But we cannot hide from our own past,
Our trials.
No matter how we try.

So I have come to find.
All we can do.
Is try to face them.
See them,
Embrace and throw them.
Aside.
In a fight,
Everyday.

But that’s it.

So I try.
Again and again.
In an endless fight.
But I care.
More than I want to admit.
More than I want to see,
But even I can’t hide from that.
And I don’t think I want to,
Even if I could.

Have to Keep Hold

Have to keep hold,
To stay strong,
To remember being,
Remember its worth.

The feeling,
To hold,
Onto life.
To stay,
To keep strong.
As the song goes on.

The body may tire,
But I’ve been there;
Living without worth,
Without hope,
Without reason.

But I’ve found,
Something.

Out of nowhere.

So I must hold strong,
To keep hold.

To keep on and on,
To keep trying and fighting for every breath.

Even as it may grow difficult,
May grow hard.
May rip you apart from the inside.

But you must try,
Try to keep true,
To stay strong,
To keep strong,
To remain true,
To yourself and everything.

The alternative is despair.
A path I have walked down, A path I choose to try,
To not walk again.

A path. I choose. To not walk again.

It’s way to easy,
To slip down,
Into the hole.
But I’ll try.
Keeping true to my goal,
To help, love and care,
To maybe keep my path,
My personal path.

A path of care,
I’ll try.

But it’s all to easy,
To slip and fall.
Remembering why.


Been good going home, been mixed for a large number of reasons, I’ve needed this, I’ve missed home more than the almost 5 years I’ve been away.

Been exhausted and low, low and unsure, I’ve needed the break, the time away to collect and soul-search. For my own mental health. Which has been pulling me apart recently, even if I haven’t seen it. It still does, and still will when I go back. But I’ve had a bit of distraction, bit of break.

Lots is still uncertain and in the air. But all I can do is try.

Changed Me.

Changed me.
I’m a changed man.
How the feelings rush in, the good,
Fighting anxieties and worries,
Making me feel whole and found.
Changing me to seek change.
To be better and better,
To stretch and fly.

Oh, how it changed.
How I’m changed.

Listening to that song,
The one that only reminds me of you.

Always grateful,
Always remembering,
How you came in and shook up my life.
To show me,
To show me, how to show myself living.
To find, be, care and move towards life.


Feeling much better, now chatting again. Loving life, living life, wanting to be better for myself. To find and be. me.

Empathy And Care

It cuts deep,
It rages strong,
It cuts me to the core.

But it makes me who I am.
It is who I am.

I do what I did.
Out of care.
With no regrets for doing just that.
I’d do it again,
Even if it cuts deep.
That’s what you do for caring,
For loving.

To take away the pain.
Just to be, to live,
I’ll bare the world’s pains.
If it’d make you smile for a second.
It would make the pain of the world worth it to bear.

It would.

It just would.

It would.

Taking my stand,
Knowing my choice,
And why,
Even if I regret,
I won’t forget.
I don’t regret my reason,
My care.
I would do it again.
If it would help,
For just a second,
It would.

I would walk to Hell,
Step into the flames.
And bare the pain.

As I would know why.
I would see,
The care,
I feel,
And it would keep me.
It would keep me going.

I would see.
And it would free me.

I have chosen,
To take the step.
To take that step.
I have walked the flames.

Chosen to walk away,
Leaving behind my heart,
Leaving it out,
To take the step.
And it hurts,
But it’s worth it.