Numbing The Pain

Numbing the pain,

Feeling empty,

Dark and cold, all around, to the touch.

Mindless monster, dead being.

Trudging on, unfeeling, numb.

A wreck of the past.

A wound on the world.

A chasm of despair.

The state of being, pain at losing life’s treasures held close.

Ripped from the arms,

Followed by the dark storm, the empty silence and coldness.

Piercing and digging like razors, sharp tendrils into by abdomen. Into my heart and core.

But…

But.

I feel nothing, numbness to pain that comes from its constancy.

Numbing my pain.

Bringing it in. Bringing it close.

Fully reckoning it.

Feeling it.

Until that is all I am.

A numbed pain. Constant. A broken thing. A wound of existence. A storm of calm rage. Outside Alice, while dead inside.

Broken Echoes

Broken echoes,

Of my past,

The mistakes made and continued.

Trusting those who leave me down.

Those I once thought to trust,

Who continue to forget me,

As people do.

Left, as a broken echo to the world.

Drowning out reality.

Drowning out the song of life, as a broken echo.

A ghost of the now,

Cut off off from the world.

Cut out of existence.

Left with this reminder. The broken echo that follows.

The empty words given,

And retracted from me with a sharp pain.

The deceiving smile, of a friend held dear.

Left with this broken echo.

A dear reminder,

Of the pain following trust,

The hurt following friendship.

The lies given without care,

Left in this broken echo.

The repeating sound,

Through the repeated lies.

The broken echo as my reminder.

The times enthusiastically waiting for,

Not given a simple truth. To solidify the pain,

Yet left with the repeating echo.

To grasp me,

Encapsulate me.

Bring me peace.

Not wanting to bring pain or inconvenience.

But being left waiting.

In this broken echo.

My fault for trusting in a friend,

Caring, yet wondering.

Through this broken echo.

Me, a broken echo.

A path once taken,

Me. The ongoing problem.

Me. The broken echo.

Better left forgotten.

Arms Outstretched

Arms outstretched,

The time gone past,

Arms outstretched in comfort, in care.

In love, life and feeling.

In ecstatic feeling of content,

The ups and downs to be weathered.

The life with its arms outstretched.

To find the diamond in the rough.

The times there,

My path outstretched.

Open and to be mapped,

My course in the making.

My openness and care,

My kindness,

The care shown, care felt.

The life’s course,

To stand by what is right,

No matter who says you are wrong.

To live a life of care, kindness and love.

Touching people’s lives as I hope to feel.

To offer kindness and solace,

A warm embrace and kindness with care.

Confidence in who I am.

In who I can become.

No matter who stands in my way.

No matter the challenge to my kindness and care.

I am who I am and proud.

My arms outstretched,

The future to greet, embrace and hold.

To stand and be proud.

To take my future, life and goals.

To make them my own.

To make them whole.

To embrace the feeling.

To leave the obstacles behind,

Confined to my past,

The darkness pushed aside,

To live out what I can be, do and feel.

My arms outstretched to embrace the future I make before me.

My arms outstretched. To make my own path.

To make and embrace the future before me.

Lessons from the Past

Lessons from the past,

The intricate path taken,

My intricate path walked,

The twists and turns,

The path walked, the path lived.

The path I take for my own.

The way I move,

The way I am.

The mistakes once made,

The faults of my past and my mind.

The path I forge towards my future.

Bright and determined,

Persevering to achieve what I need, what I am.

Forging my path ahead,

Through what I must,

Through what I am.

To what I can be, what I can do:

What I can achieve.

My determination pronounced.

The path I must take.

The way I walk with determination into the coming future.

Confining my mistakes to the past.

Mistakes made and a future to be found.

To be made.

To overcome my limitations.

To learn from these lessons from my past, from within.

To forge my future, my path.

Through those lessons from within.

Those lessons from my past.

Through It All

Through it all,

Together through care and kindness.

We shall make it through,

Shine so bright to blind the world.

The radiance of the sun,

The beauty of the sunset,

The warmth of the beach sand.

With your hand in mine and mine in yours,

Through the bumps and grazes,

We’ll make it,

Life shall pass,

We shall make it ours,

As we make it our own.

Building a beautiful world with which to help us,

Seeing the beauty once hidden,

The care once elusive,

Providing these to others, and more importantly, to you.

To capture it all and shine.

To make being,

To encapsulate feeling,

Even in those times of darkness.

Through it all.

This will be done.

With your hand in mine.

Life In The Greyscale

Life in the greyscale,

Passing by the sights,

Unable to feel the warmth, smell the scents, see the sights.

Living in the greyscale,
Devoid of colour,
All in grey.

I’ve realised life,
For what it is,
A lie or greyscale.

What many have tried to show me,
To get me to see the meaning,
To be content.

They misunderstand me,
Not to be content with a lie,
Even a beneficial one,
Now I’m left in the greyscale.

Thrown to the sharks of life,
By my friends,
Left to starve,
Left in torture,
Left without meaning, feeling, or acceptance.

By those who I’d give everything to.

Left in disappointment.

Looking for an answer,
But always confronted by the greyscale.

Left in the rain,
Unfeeling,
Watching,
Seeing, but unfeeling.

As I walk through the greyscale.

The life that unfurls before me.

All grey, watched as it passes, but unfelt.

Intriguing but incomprehensible.

Empty and grey.

Thrown away from possible lies,
Acknowledging the greyscale,
Others wanted me to acknowledge:

Life rather than kindness,
Reality rather than care
Limitations rather than desires.

They threw me under,
Thrust the knife so deep.
Left me with nothing.

Less than nothing.

Left with nothingness in face of everything.

The fault of those who threw me to the greyscale.

Who ridiculed me. Who belittled me.

Trying to hold on. Determined to launch out, to break forth.

But for now,
I live,
In this life of greyscale.

What’s Death Got On Me?

What have you got on me,

This death looming,

The endless pain and suffering,

That endless torment.

The noose around my neck as I wish for the  end.

Survived your grasp once,

Challenge you again,

Do your worst.

Bring me down, I’ll show you up.

Throw you down,

Show you what I am made of.

Conquer death as it’s already my life,

Already my living.

To own this world and make you my bitch.

Crushed at every turn and now it is mine.

A stretch to crush you,

To show you,

To own you.

To show you.

I have this.

Death, the mere cessation of living,

Familiar friend, or enemy?

Welcome comfort, to greet my end.

To acknowledge the limitations and differentiations.

What’s death got on me?

Paralysis of Worry

Paralysis of worry,

The endless flow of pain.

The pain rupturing my head.

The tears flooding my mind,

The darkness that wakes,

The worries controlling my mind.

Mind restless, in pain and tortured.

Endless screams of worry, pain and failure,

The mixed passion with inability.

The husk of being that confines me,

The empty living,

Constant misdirection.

Nothing to soothe the pain.

My excruciating pain,

Heightened by confusion, thinking and insecurity.

Pain always finds me.

Ripping me apart from the inside.

Spinning in my torture,

In my thoughts,

In my darkness.

Surrounded by my pain,

Unable to call out.

Unable to find my solution.

Wishing for the end.

To escape my pain.

Let go. Drift off. Into my ever-sadness and pain.

Tortured to every moment.

From inside.

My thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Drifting apart.

Ripping me apart.

The uncertainty tearing me up.

Waiting for it to end.

Wanting a way out.

No matter what the cost.

A burden on those who I care about.

Wanting and wishing for their escape. From me and my inability to live.

The paralysis of thought and worry.

Wanting my escape.

To numb myself from pain and existence.

The unending worry.

The paralysis of my worries.

The pain in my heart for all whom I care about.

Left alone to my darkness.

With this paralysis of worry.

Finding Peace With Those Demons

Finding peace,

The time drifting past,

The night sky in all its radiance,

The songs on shuffle,

The peace from the night.

Intensely, drifting through the radiance of life,

Through the paths,

Through the experiences,

Wrapped up in hopes and wonder,

The sparkling lights in the night sky,

The peace in those darkest of nights.

Care from afar,

From those closest of friends,

My family whom I hold dear.

Making peace with the demons I once knew.

The dreams, hopes and aspirations,

Leaving the demons drift into the past.

Moving on into the future,

Making the most of the present.

Those small moments,

The little gifts,

The wonderous times and those golden memories.

The reminder of what there is,

What can be.

Holding on.

Letting go,

And making peace with those demons.

To Those Who Try To Help

To those who try to help,

Those who continue to believe in me.

I’m sorry.

The path I take, I try to make.

The doors closing on me,

A lost cause.

A hopeless mess,

When I’ve come so far.

All thrown back into my face.

As I try to make my way.

The path I try to plot, to escape the darkness of uncertainty.

I’m sorry.

The path is lost,

The bearings lost too.

Left adrift.

Left losing the will.

Left with loss,

Loss of all, of mind, will and soul.

To those who try to help,

My gratitude is yours,

But I am left adrift at sea,

Drowning in uncertainty.

Without a place to turn.

The mind cannibalising itself,

Worries manifesting,

Uncertainty growing.

I’m sorry.

To all those who try to help.

I’m lost.

And I’m sorry.