Loving Hurts

Heart torn in two,
Care to break my heart.
Care I have,
That it pains me,
Breaks me down but builds me, builds me as it breaks me down.

To say goodbye, and to help,
Goodbye to find themselves.

My mind,
My empathy,
It breaks and swallows me,
But all I can do, is to hold the feeling. My reason.

So I know why, even as it kills me inside.

My heart breaks.

Emptiness swallows me.
But care motivated me.

A goodbye,
Not wanted,
A goodbye I tried to avoid.

I’m sorry.
Sorry to them.
Sorry in my mind.
Sorry to me and the world.

But I am not sorry, for the reason.
I am sorry it was the only, way.

My mind, clawed to dark and light.
Dark for all of my overthinking, dark for where I’m going now.
The only light comes from remembering, remembering the feeling, what motivated this, the care.

Need to fight,
Fight the darkness,
As I’ve lost the light.
I. Have lost. I, have devastated myself.
My empathy, it kills me.
But makes me, and saves me.

Life, love, care, empathy, it all hurts. But themselves make life worth it.

Oh how it hurts.
My brain, won’t let me have peace.
I am sorry.
A scar on my mind.

It breaks me down.

But I keep hold, hold to the reason that made me tick.


Said goodbye today, goodbye because I care, goodbye because I care. I need her to try. Need her to get closure. Need to give her space.

I’ve felt I’ve lost everything. Life got so perfect, then I had to say goodbye, it was me who said goodbye. Why did I do this! I did it for her but I can’t stand I did say goodbye. But I needed to, did it for her.

This continues, continues from my last poem. I feel like I’ve died, I’ve lost everything. Lost something. Lost. Everything.

Care By Me

Care complete,
Care total,
No matter how it hurts,
Just to be there,
To care and be kind.

My promise,
A promise by me,
Promise got me,
I care,
I try to care.
I’m happy with this choice of mine.

Even as it hurts,
Myself calling out into the wind.
I stand tall.
Standing by my choice,
By my choice,
To care,
To be.

Sad as the times may come.
I can still be me.
Through the pain,
Care keeps me going.
Care keeps me free.

Beauty in the scene,
As I watch and ponder.
Sitting on the beach,
Letting life just be.

As I sit, wait, watch, and ponder.
My mind empties,
My mind calms.
Trying to set myself free.

As I wait in me.
Seeing watching.
Living.
Hurting.
Being free.
Love can hurt,
Hurts to leave,
To let go,
But when everything else ceases,
Care is what doesn’t,
Care stays,
As the heart breaks.
But it’s fine.

It makes life worth it.
Kindness and care,
Empathy.

I sit here and be.
Kindness abound,
just being true to me.


Bit of a rough mental health day. Very. Mood swings. Overthinking. My own mind, just playing it’s own games. Can not control my anxieties, but it’ll pass. Just need to wait it out. Thinking of my mind, me, choices, options, life and love.

Love this person, true love and care is doing what’s best for someone else, even if it hurts, because you care about them so much. You would do it, without question or fear, it’s worrying, it’s confusing. But made clear, because I care.

Tally on My Heart

Your kindness,
A tally on my heart.
Every moment,
Every time,
A moment,
A place and time,
To lose myself in the moment.
In the past I am lost.

Oh how you picked me up,
Let me in,
Let me,
Share.
Every kindness,
Expecting it to be the end,
But you show care,
You care more and more,
And I, truly, ever, fall in love.
Falling in love harder and harder.

No matter what happens,
Our trials and troubles,
Care,
From what is remembered,
The kindness shown.
A light to keep going,
To hold onto.
A trial.

This tally in my heart,
Oh it hurts,
Hurts to see this kindness so,
After all this time.
Thought it impossible to find.
But found it though.
As I stand in awe,
In total aw.

Listening to that song she sang,
Always hearing it in her voice,
Calming, chill, happy,
Thinking,
Oh how she,
Oh how she helped me,
Helped me to,
To see and to find my own,
My own confidence in life.
Finally being free.

The road travelled may still be hard,
It will be.
But it’s brighter.
Brighter with me.
Always seeing her,
In my confidence,
How she showed me,
Showed me to find me.
To find it again.

Finally being me,
Being free and happy.

I did this myself,
It all an achievement for me,
But she helped me to see,
Helped me to look,
To try, to find, to be.
To find this spark of life,
To live life,
To be free and happy.

She showed me,
At a time,
I couldn’t find, but stopped trying.

She pushed me to try.

All of this to say.
No matter what happens,
My heart is forever etched,
With the tally of her kindness,
Of which I shall always repay in kind.

For I so care,
More than I care to say.
Because, it’s caring,
So much it hurts me,
But the pain,
It’s out of care.
It hurts, but it’s nice.
The nicest feeling in the world.

The pain,
It reminds me,
It’s all for caring,
And that is why it’s okay.

To be there,
For another,
No matter what may be,
No matter their troubles, problems or pains.
I shall be there,
To hold and face it with them.
To stand against it.
To let them shine past their demons.
Just as they’ve convinced me to fight mine.

Giving me such a power,
Such a feeling,
To stand and move,
To shake the world,
To forge my own,
Making life.

Oh how the tallies,
She has etched,
Engraved onto my soul,
Bringing me back,
Back to life,
Giving me confidence, giving me sight.

It’s just, I’ll never forget,
This tally on my heart.


Been writing this for a couple of days to a week, thinking, how I’ve been changed, how I remember, the tally on my heart, the tallies that she’s etched so deep. That I shan’t forget.

Hope from Uncertainty

1 ——————-
Hope from uncertainty,
Care from hope.
A will to try.
A will to be,
Living in being,
Being in waiting and making.

Love in time.

To be there.

2 ——————-

The knives in my being,
From a me long in the past.
The scars burn,
But a new life,
Burns brighter within me.
A new light lighter. A rage to go on and forge ahead,
To find a path.
As the lights,
Go into peacefully,
I walk and walk I shall.
Walking into whatever I have.

But then again I wanna question,
What I thought as real,
Being. Feeling what was real,
As I thought.
But being, can hurt,
Itself, it can all hurt,
As you don’t see.
It can all break and shine.

As life, is life.

3 ——————-

The question, to face the cliff and fly,
To see fly.
To try.
Just as we try,
We walk,
We walk to that edge.
Just to hear that voice.

To be free.

To try.

When it’s easier to feel emptiness and pain.

Than the light you choose not to see shine.

4 ——————-

The light, the soul, resides, bursting forth,
Nothing to let the anxiety through,
Battering past the overthinking, the fears, anxieties and worries.
To find.
To make.
I break free.
I was shown, that I can cut my own chains.
That I can, and they’d be with me.
They care,
My person can be better and purer and just me.

With it all, normal but happy.
I can control my anxiety.
I can take control.
Can stand talk and be, be perfect.

It’s all perfect in its imperfect perfection.

How it all started,
By some sunset,
Far away.
The perfect time,
Just nothing,
Nothing but and just us.
Beauty in living in a moment.
Lost in being.

As normalcy comes back,
We find,
Find our way back.
Back to our complicated world.
A memory remembered.
Kept and held, in memory.

As I lose the world, my own thoughts,
Drawn always back to you,
Pure bliss,
Knowing,
I’d give anything for you,
Everything I could to help,
To be with you,
To make you happy,
Valued, helped and all the greatest of times.

Pure bliss,
From a time, out of nowhere.
From normalcy pure bliss,
Completeness,
Wholeness.
Oh how perfect.

Perfect to find life in but a single day.
To find it all.
By a complete surprise.
Surprise found in amongst it all,
To find, it now.
How it rushes past.
Now in memory,
But lived everyday.
In every, and all those smallest moments.
The times as they come.
They find and are perfection.
How they are pure bliss,
From utter normalcy.

Showing, a sign,
Of the beauty in all those everyday things,
Perfection from it all.
Perfection in the smallest of times.
Times that show, that grow and completely take over.
Changing my life for the better.
Changing me in all those ways I could not find before.

The ways it goes,
In those unexpected ways and times,
Bringing forth a strength, a power,
To be, make and claim life,
My life for my own.
Making me better, better at being me.

A beauty from being,
It is beauty, from living in the sunshine, light and life.


1 ——————-

Saw my friend, a good friend, we chatted, about all sorts. Lots of different stuff. Lots. It was good, amazing. Asked them how they felt about me, they said they were unsure, they liked chatting and hanging out and that they had their own stuff to sort out. Fine by me, so do we all, some more than others. But I’m cool with that. I love helping and trying and caring so that’s no problem.

Lots of stuff recently has gone on.

2 ——————-

Writing this the next night, a two-day written poem, two ideas, two different ideas, two days brightened by this purely amazing person. Today even better, much much better than yesterday, so so so much better! The same theme, care, love, waiting and caring, helping them to be stronger, or more accurately to show them how so strong they are. To show them they don’t have to be afraid to talk to me, to show me personal stuff. Just as they’ve showed me in return.

Amazing day, hanging out with them, talking, chatting, and messaging.

This person is amazing, unlike no other. Makes me feel like to other, makes me care like no other, worry like no other, be better like no other. Makes me feel like I can be myself like no other.

3 ——————-

Again a different day, different time, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all a mix. Just a try. To step forth and fall.

All about that choice.

4 ——————-

Was asked, if I wanted to go to watch sunset with this person. Haha. After their last exam. Nothing I’d love more. Nothing.

This poem. I’ll finally publish almost a week after its start. Each section a snapshot of me, my moods, changes, how I feel, how it changes and I’m showed, how I’ve been changed by them. 4 weeks and seeing one another everyday but 4. Amazing. Perfect. Not totally easy or without worry, but perfect in how it’s whole, good, bad, pure, kind, and amazing in its perfect imperfection. I’ve been changed, I’ve gotten confidence, they’ve showed me that I can, I’ve gotten better in everyway, for everything and I owe them. I had all of these things, but for so long I’ve not been shown that I could. So I hid. I hid. But finally I feel free. Feel better than I have in my whole life, my whole life. So many things have changed, my outlook for so many, my mood and happiness, better able to control my anxiety, to talk about it, to admit it to myself and her. It’s perfect. Even tonight, chatting on FB from early morning, and in the evening, chatting on the phone from 8:30pm till like 12:15am. Was good to chat, some deep, some funny, joking, teasing, looking each other’s past posts and all sorts of random stuff. We even said we’d get presents from each other’s homes. I now need to think of what to get. This call was perfect, sweet and bliss. I feel the luckiest person alive just to be able to see her.

This poem is random, but means the world to me, for what it means to me.

All I Will Do

All I will do,
All I can,
Will be.

I stand tall,
Knowing,
I stand tall trying,
To show kindness,
To show care,
To show understanding,
To show who I am.

To be in this world,
To be as me.
To set myself free.
To show it to me.

And I stand to be there,
To show love and care.
A goal of care,
For all those there,
To be a face of understanding.

To show my care I want.
Care for all.
It is in this life the choices we make,
Good, bad, ugly and horrible.
The beauty of a choice in life,
Beauty in the infinite timelines.
Beauty in reality and existence,
More beautiful than ever known.


Good but mixed, chatted to P a bit today, nice, as always. Saw her IG story, people she likes have been flirting tonnes recently when they had been ignoring her, I mean I think she’s conflicted. Does it hurt? Kinda. But for me so long as she finds happiness that’s what matters to me, whether with me or not. I care about her too much.
I care. I love.
Remember her saying, her ex on a night out saw her grab and rub my hand when she left me. Said he never got the same from her, that we seem very close. She seems in pain a bit, I wish I could help, so I offer to listen at least, even if she won’t say, I can listen to whatever wants to say.
I honestly love her, she said before last night at hers when she was high that she’s scared to get close to me for some reasons she said (I won’t say), but yeah, it hurt kinda, but I understand, and want to do anything to help, will wait, will be there.
But yeah. I’m honestly good, brought to tears of joy whenever I think of her, but also a bit mixed. I love her and want nothing more at all than for her to be happy. Nothing more. After than, my mood was brightened even more, she called me at 2am and we chatted until 3, it was perfect, about the past, all sorts of shit and it was perfect.
I am much better, anxiety much better, Autism much better everything much better, I think, she’s proven to me, what it was all along; having people who understand me and anxiety, and who care enough to care, to consider how I feel. She does, I see her try, don’t expect it but it makes it all better, as I try to do. She asked me if she could bring her ex somewhere we’re meeting and I was shocked, she didn’t have to ask, didn’t want her to ask, but after a panic attack a couple nights ago that I told her about she did wanting, just to put my mind at ease but she didn’t need to. She gave me the confidence to tell her about it and that was all I needed. In the past, conditioned not to be me, I’ve totally forgotten what this feeling is like, honestly, it’s always putting on a face for others’ as they can’t take mine. Only my best friends see this.

Being In Moment

Being in the moment,
Living in the time,
Nothing else mattering,
Looking at this vista,
Taking in all the sights that are before me.

As I see the patterns,
The beauty in all the shapes of being.
Out there and I see,
I see and it makes me,
Made by me,
Again acting in turn,
Bringing me to find a way,
Allowing me,
To find my own.

All in this moment,
The sweet song sings.
Nothing to fade this feeling.
I can grasp onto,
Never letting go,
Because I can make it through,
Because I will make it through,
Make it my own.
Bringing forth my light.
Finally can put my demons to rest,
Never gone, but enough to hide them and starve them out of me.

Oh how this time passes.
All the songs singing,
As the times all go,
And I, through them, all the way.


Had the most amazing day, relatively uneventful until messaging on Snapchat. Just amazing, lots of random I significant stuff but apparently not so much, had made me feel so high, enough to erase or push back any hardships for like over a month. Never have I ever been happy like this, let alone for this long, or resilience to anything. To be honest, it’s hard to be confident or resilient if “the truth” is shown contrary, but I’ve been shown another side, one that’s brought, and I’ll bring with it.

I Feel… Overwhelming

I feel, overwhelming,

Such joy and happy-sadness.
Overwhelming in all being,
Being and living.
Glad in the smallest moments,
Calm, confident sweet and free.
Free, caring and being truly me,
After so long,
Living in a façade,
Hiding because I had to,
Felt I had to.

But yeah,
Being,
Living,
Existing but feeling,
A part of the world,
Caring and being cared about.

A smile to make my heart melt,
Small moments that last forever,
But also feel gone too soon.

Feeling okay,
Okay to show,
To stand tall,
Tall and proud,
Of who I am,
Who I can be,
Can be okay,
Can show who I truly am.

A warmth in life,
One I’ve never known.
So small in those moments,
But those smallest moments…
So beautiful,
Making this world shine bright.

Proud to stand tall,
For all I’ve done and want to do.
Through my art,
To capture and show.
A message of beauty for all to see,
All in wherever you look,
To find the beauty when the eye beholds,
To make, see and find.
To be the holder of your own path.
To forge a way through.
To make it all work out.
No matter the odds.

Just needing to remember the gold,
To keep hold.


The post I made last, was a rough morning but it was all turned around, it was my anxiety, but it was all turned around on that shift at work by a friend I chatted to tonnes, chatted to tonight. Has been the reason for being confident and happiest recently.

Lots of stuff, also tonight I’ve finished binge watching Game of Thrones to this point, very emotional and thinking of my friend. Just happy, emotional, thinking and happy-sad. A happiness with a tinge of sadness, thinking about the future about the past, about very small things. Feeling so very very happy, content. Not everything in life is perfect, but it feels so that it is. Just thinking, just happy. Happy and emotional that it feels slightly overwhelming, very overwhelming.

Even just writing this has made me feel a whole lot better, a world better. I’ve been so good recently, unbelievable, I know the cause, know why, know what started all of this off.

All The Pieces

All the pieces of that sunset,
All those sweetest moments,
Those greatest of times,
All the pieces of a shattered time,
Falling into place,
Not without their moments,
Not without their trials,
But the pieces are fitting into place.

Confidence when it was all but there,
Happiness when living was all a wait,
Meaning when I had no outlet,
Voice after I had none.

The beauty of living in a time,
Being in the moment,
Living with meaning,
Meaning, my own,
Being,
Seeing and trying, with kindness,
Kindness in my heart,
In life and trying.


Freed By The Feeling

Freedom by the feeling,
From it, by it.
Given a chance,
Allowed to see the sun shining,
With it all working out.

Growth, happiness and strength, to try and to be.


It’s been a really good day, work went well, afterwards was gonna meet a friend to do some work but they didn’t reply but I got to go do some photography that I’ve been meaning to do, it was amazing, got shots I like and after did some of the work I had to do anyway with a small meal in a local bar. Was a really nice day, embracing the feeling, crowding out the bad. It’s helped and I’m feeling good. Although really tired and kinda cba to finish the poem.

Sadness of Beauty

The sadness of beauty,
Coming free from life,
As it’s to be seen.
Felt, experienced and lived.
Just being free,
Being trapped in the feeling,
Letting yourself go free.
Free to be.

Oh how it all wells up.
Like a sunset in full bloom,
All the radiant colours,
Beauty to be seen.
Colours lighting up the sky,
Colours letting free,
Freeing me.

Warmth from it all,
Living in the feeling.
Just thinking,
Of being free,
But in the moment it’s all.

Just witnessing the beauty,
As the world lights up,
Showing me the way,
Showing and freeing me.

Beauty from it all,

The colours and feelings,
Varied and happy,
Living and being,
Not letting a step go,
The step, in a journey for me.

To stand tall,
And give it a try.
To show my mark,
Live my life,
In the moment of feeling.

As I try to be.


Thinking, about lots. Myself for example, even work today, started rough but ended well. Lots of stuff. Beauty like in my photography but coming from sadness. Happiness, sadness, pain, and joy all being one and connected and inseparable.

On the bus today, felt suddenly overwhelmed when going to do some photography, an overwhelming sadness from happiness, felt on the verge to tears, but held it all in.