Do You Know?

Do you know how I feel?
Do you know?
How I feel,
What I think.

Not wanting to hurt someone else,
Through how I feel.
Caring too much,
To ever hurt another.

Those amazing times hanging out.
To merely be there,
In the moment with another.
To care too much for another.

Do you know?
You need space?
You have it.
You need a call?
You have it.

I want to be there,
But also cannot as it hurts.

Hurts but those good times.
Are too good to lose.

Did you know before,
Seeing you with him,
Inviting me along to watch,
To see how you felt with him.
Did you know how I felt?
How it made me feel,
Happy, to see you happy,
Sad that it wasn’t,
Self destructive to keep watching.
All in the past now.

I am better now,
But.
Did you know?
Do you know?

I know,
I feel,
I felt.

Maybe I need to go.
But I don’t want to.
I’m so much better,
That’s the point.

I want someone who cares,
Who is there,
As they’d know I would always be for them.
Who cares.

Do you know?

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Caring to Goodbye

Caring to goodbye,
An attempted end,
Seeing you, close to another,
Saddens, yet also fills me with joy.
Knowing yu can be happy,
Even as I wish I could do that.

Knowing I care,
But caring hurts.
Knowing you,
But knowing it’s not good for me.
But also it is.
The best feeling,
Unparalleled in simple beauty.
Also dark,
In the overthinking of my mind.

I will miss the good times,
The helping, understanding friend.
Who never understood,
Never will,
How much I care.

I wish you to be better,
Wanting to avoid dragging you down.
A silent, caring goodbye.
Ended but darkness.
Abrupt and unknown,
May be the best solution.

But I don’t mind.
As long as you can be happy.

I care,
No matter if I try not to.
I care,
Even if I fool myself I don’t.
I care,
Enough to a painful goodbye I’ll never say.
Never say, to help you.

Easier to forget someone you hate,
Why you make it so difficult for me.
I can never hate you.
I have tried.
I will try most likely.

Wanting to avoid, when you find someone you care for,
That will break me inside,
But also make me happy, to see you happy.
I need to escape,
To save myself the pain.

A question awaiting answer,
Put off until recently,


I am better, sad poem, maybe but I’m not sad. Sad that this may be a last goodbye, but wishing all the best and as always all my care. But I need to let go, of what is good but never true.

Again, I’m okay but need to let go, of what I hoped but is never true. To live in the light and truth.

Last Good Moment

A last good moment,
Savouring every second of bliss,
The care,
The feeling.

Always hoping for your best,
And in so doing,
Showing mine.

The care,
A last good moment,
Good night,
Seeing you smile,
Lighting up my world.

Cherishing this last good moment.
In my memory.
A beautiful moment,
Many, beautiful moments.

Cherished.
Loved.
Remembered.
Kept.
Beautiful.

Kept.
Along with all those smallest moments.
The small chats,
Sweetest moments.

Some of the best memories,
I have ever made.
Some of the best moments,
I have had the pleasure of living.

Moments that will be missed.
Moments, of everything.
The last good moment.


Written. Night of the 7th December. Leaving to publish later. To see if I can, continue with more than just a memory.

Published night of the 10th, thinking, wondering, more poems for tonight, to ask and try to answer, where am I, what do I feel, what I want to do, what I should do and what do I need to do. With my closest friends saying one thing- my mind too, and my heart telling me the other.

Little Call

A little call,
Out of place,
Out of time.

To ask if you’re okay.
A weekend wondering.
Playing the moment in my mind,
Over and over in my mind.
Seeing you from afar,
Unable to help,
To see,
To call out.

And again to forgetting.
A single message.
I hide the reply.
You call.
I, wanting but not.
Relieves me to hear you’re well.

The little call,
A new start.
A little call.


Another storyesque poem, reminder of a text and a call I made, a start, a good return. But at the time was full of reluctance and worry. But most of all care, care for someone I lost. But no matter how much I hated them. I loved them. Only hating was the way to try to forget.

Without a Trace

Leaving, turning my back.
One moment in the thick of it.
The next, empty space.
Blurred time.

A gentle breeze of passing.
Gone.
Without a trace.

A time for change,
A time to go.
Off I disappear. Without a trace.

The moments, the people,
Turning heads.
Empty space.
Left with wonder.
Left with doubt.
Clueless to cause.
Nothing of the knowledge.

Disappeared.
Without a trace.

The emptiness left behind.
Much change?
Figure once present,
Now forgotten.
To memory, to time.
An hollow space.
An empty reminder.
Of a place I once stood.
Now.

Without a trace.


I’m okay, quite good actually. Just thinking. Lots change so fast. Some things stay the same.

Just thinking and I get random thoughts that spur writing.

Slipping Through the Cracks

Slipping through the cracks,
My sorrow kept under control.
Now unleashed into my mind.
My overthinking,
Over and over the waves of pain hits me.

Slipping through the cracks.
A pain.
Hurt.
Trying to forget,
In desperation to ignore the pain.
Thoughts racing,
Mind turning.

The pain, returning for a time.
A long time gone.
Returning yet again.
Emotions running wild.

Trying to gain control,
To gain control,
My thoughts running wild.
Overthinking.
My downfall.

The return,
The focus,
The attempt to not see.
The attempt to forget.

Slipping through the cracks,
The defences of my mind.
A pit of black.

To wait it out till morn.
A rough night to come.
Memories of the pains of my past return.

Knew the day would come.

As all from before.
Comes slipping through the cracks.
For a time.
Before I find the path, again.
My legs to stand on.
Before then, the pain comes.
Slipping through the cracks.

Fighting The Demons

Fighting off the demons,
The corrupting influences,
A dark force to throw off.
A bringer of only suffering.

A powerless entity,
As I drain them of all power,
Collect my life,
Make it my own.
Bring on the coming future.
Casting out the corruption.

Detoxifying my life of all the darkness,
That the demons use to cling hold,
I’ve found freedom from the darkness.
Claimed light for my own.

Many pieces coming together,
Forming a whole,
Forming coherency,
And a brightness not seen in a while.

Such a long time I was in the dark,
Having lost the light.
Being broken, lost, hurt and inflictng what the demons taught me.
To be cast off,
I now have choice, agency.
To cast out corruption,
To throw the demons aside.

Here I fight,
To claim a happiness once lost.
To find peace, in a tumultous world.
To find love in all things pure,
As it has found me in the unexpected places.

The demons now have no hold.
Yet they will be, an ever-formative part.
Kept in check.
But having made me stronger,
Made me wiser.
Given me great pain.
I will keep them in check,
Cast them out.

Fighting these demons. I win.
Living the life I have found.
Fighting off the demons that still seek to destroy me.

Fighting off the demons.

The Lonely Silence Of The Dark

Lonely silence of the dark,
The dark days gone past,
Those yet to come,

Waiting for those light days, the ones to look forward to.
To hope for,
To live for.

When the darkness of the night is all around,
With silence as the figure lurking in the dark.
The depths of night.
An impenetrable shroud;
Thick, dark, all-consuming.
Suffocating at a touch.

The feeling of life,
The memories returning,
But only for a time.
The deep sadness,
To accompany the lonely silence of the dark.

Out Of Mind

Out of mind,
I hide the feelings,
Scared of where they could take me,
Offered care and kindness.

Trying to keep the pain out of my mind.
To keep in the happiness,
A game of pretend,
To ignore my mind and emotions.
The pain that comes with darkness.
The shining light, that echoes in the darkness.

The mind, clouded with worry, sadness and uncertainty.
Trying to push all feelings out of mind.
Trying to save myself from my demons.

An attempt to hold strong against the dark.
To keep the leeches at bay.
To wipe my mind,
To save the body.

Out of mind is the answer,
Or it must be,
The solution I face,
Only way past it.

Out of mind.
To cope, to save me.

Mistake

Silly mistakes,
Costly ones.
Thoughts and worries,
Rushing through my head.
Unable to think or sleep.
Over what I have done.

My mistake made.
My mistake made.

The worries all-consuming me.
The crazy worries.

Unable to sleep,
For my mistake.

An error made in rush and panic.

Seemingly nothing
But the worry consumes me.

More for what it means.
The wider thoughts,
Its implications.

Lying awake in worry,
Unable to sleep.
The mistake I made.
An error of judgement.

A mistake,
And what it means.
My mistake made.