Awake I Lie

Awake I lie,

Thoughts racing,

Trouble brewing.

The uncertain future.

Perseverance to clear a path,

Draining my life through this troubled storm.

The turbulent seas,

Uncertain paths without any horizon.

Chatting a path through the darkness.

Left without a heading.

Attempt after attempt.

Storms keep bashing my direction into darkness.

Awake a lie,

Thinking of the troubles to come,

Looking for a heading.

Looking for an option.

For a way out.

All direction and certainty lost to the depths.

Lost to the darkness,

The horizon unseen.

Awake I lie,

Pondering these questions,

Without direction.

Without heading.

Looking into the darkness and uncertainty.

Taking a step at a time.

Without heading, without knowing.

Hoping, persevering, to find my way.

To find a path.

All, as I lie awake.

My Affliction.

Memory of what should be let go.

Hearing that mustn’t be heard.

Senses heightened, for what shouldn’t be known.

To let myself live, in the present. At all.

The affliction of knowing, when one should ignore.

Caring too much as I need to break out.

Break my chains, my mind and spirit.

Break apart all that is held together.

Broken and shattered through my affliction.

Left Alone

Left alone,

That’s how it goes,

First to start,

Last to stop.

Left alone and predicted this,

That’s the way it goes.

The inevitable end.

The continuous path,

Expected and to be expected.

Left down, like a person with nothing left.

And loving it.

The rage and realisation.

The life and the longing.

The buildup and expectations.

The waiting and expectation.

Going on alone, as I know I must go.

The ongoing movement through time.

This onward treading.

The way it goes, and the way it must.

Ready for the shit that comes, as it always will.

No me gusta.

But that is life, the one I live.

The one I’ve been given.

The one I have and have to make.

The way I live, the way I go.

The good turning chaotic,

The way going blank.

The path turning off.

The way fading to black.

Living in the darkness and making it my own.

Owning the life that I lead.

Holding on tight to the war inside my mind.

Facing my firing squad.

Smiling in the face of it all,

In the face of the darkness and the pain.

Spitting in the face of death and darkness.

Making it mine,

Commanding it to my will and presence.

My will, it will become mine.

The path I must take,

Alone and smile.

The lonely road I walk.

To spit in the face of it all.

To face my fate,

To face my demons.

Spit in the face of it all.

The sinner of the world,

Of the darkness and the pain.

The path I walk.

The way I move.

The way I drift back and forth,

Drift off into the darkness,

Into my life eternal,

The eternal pain, ongoing and suffering.

To walk on and out,

Off into darkness.

On and off I go,

Moving on into the night.

Into the life that awaits.

This darkness I delve into,

Fight,

Rage,

Win.

Taking the pain,

Making it my own,

Making it mine.

Holding on in and through the rage.

Loving it with life as my witness.

Cutting the chord.

Stringing myself up in this life.

Loving ever second.

This rage and love,

Happiness and courage.

Weakness and strength.

Left alone, waking to my destination. The noose of the depths of the ocean.

And on I continue, left alone to my inevitable path.

Just Want To Forget.

Just want to forget,

To erase my mind,

To go on living,

As I try to make something of myself,

Get myself out of the dark ocean.

To set sail out into my world of my own.

To forget the darkness of the past,

The times to be forgotten.

To make my escape.

To start anew,

My new self, a new life.

The end of me.

Just wanting to forget, so I can escape.

Just want to forget.

Reminder Of Me

A reminder of me,

Who I used to be,

Free eternal, unbound and unchained.

Free-thinking, a spirit in good health.

Loving life for the friends who’ve touched me,

Those who unknowingly saved me.

To those I would do the same.

To save, to walk the ends of the earth for,

Those kind few, who reminded me of me,

Me of who I was,

Me of the worth of living.

The escape from a horrid past,

The needless pain,

To those who confirmed,

Who backed,

Those who supported.

I hold you dear.

Dear to my soul.

Dear to my being.

Those who reminded me of who I am and who I need to be, should be, will be.

Realisation

Realisation, of that reality.

The difficulty and strife,

The oncoming differences,

The hopes dashed before mature,

The toil and strain for nought.

The desperation seen in a little glass.

The demon seen within the mirror.

The uncertainty, stress and strife.

A reminder of that blank page,

That unwritten meaning.

The confused existence

And spinning endless.

This realisation, hit like a rock,

Lingering, throbbing, an ever-subtle reminder.

Ever going pain.

The realisation of reality.

It’s painful mark left upon my skin.

The realisation, of

The toil and strife all for a page gone blank.

Letting It All Out 

Letting it all out,

Letting it all go,

Pretending the fake like never known.

The hurt, sick and tired.

Ended my mind many times to avoid seeing.

The lies told,

Spoken behind me,

Last to know,

Empty and writhing.

All finished.

All given up.

Left a wreck and in rage.

Done and dusted.

Nothing matters.

I bring what I want as my determination is limitless.

Sick and tired.

Finished and done.

The openness a false dichotomy,

A fake truth and a truth that shouldn’t be told.

Sick and ended.

Worth nothing but to finish.

The final stretch,

A long and lonely road,

Long and lonely life to make my own.

To shape as I want as nothing will stop me.

The pain comes to a head.

An ever-reminder of all gone before.

All done.

Sick and tired and ended.

All without close.

To fake and fake until all I know is forgotten.

To eradicate my mind until I forget that happened.

To wreck my mind so it is unrecoverable.

To succumb to my darkest side,

To let it dig into my mind and rip it out.

To close all down,

To rip it out.

Leave nothing left.

To end it all.

To live it done.

To wipe the mind clean, of all that came before this present instant.

To end,

Be free,

Get closure.

To be empty.

Let it all out, and forget all that came before.

Thank You

Thank you for all those times,

Those presents,

And kind conversations.

The times you are there.

Through my depths of hell,

My deepest depths,

My demons that you see.

It’s not fair on you,

Your life to lead,

Those kind words,

The times we hang out,

The shared moments.

Solidarity through pain.

Care through it all.

You continue to be there,

Even if it’s not fair on you.

Have to break out,

To let you live your own way.

To stop pressing my problems onto you.

To let you deal with your demons.

I thank you,

Through my goodbye.

Eternal gratitude,

For your continued efforts and support.

But, even if you don’t see it,

I need to free you from me.

So you can go on.

The kindness and care I show,

All for nothing,

If I don’t let you go,

To live,

Even if you don’t want to leave,

Don’t want to leave me in desperation.

I have to let you be.

So you can be so much more.

Unburdened by my presence.

I thank you eternally.

And for this reason,

I bid you goodbye,

To go on.

To be free.

Can’t Cope With Being

Can’t cope with being,

With feeling,

With me being me,

Feeling unhinged.

Feeling alone, empty and displaced from reality.

Displaced from me.

Displaced in being, hurt, tortured.

Tortured by my very being.

My hurting, my living,

My care but all alone.

My existence hurts.

Coping non-existent.

Waiting to end.

Losing hope.

Can’t cope.

Can’t cope with being.