Looking Up Into The Sky, Seeing Your Eyes

As I look up into the night sky,
I just see your eyes,
As I stare, encapsulated.

Always remembering that first night,
How I wonder.
How things changed.
How times change.

And I am left staring alone into the night sky.
Only seeing you,
Your eyes,
Brighter than the Sun,
Kind, and bringing me to life.
I write, this, never wanting to move,
Wanting time to stop,
As I look up and see your eyes.

But times have changed.
I have to go.
To save myself,
From heartbreak that will never go away.
Always with care,
To always be there if you need.

But I must go.
To save you the pain,
Seeing me break.
Seeing my heart break everytime.
I wonder if you ever cared.
To see my heart break.
But I pause.
And remember.
Looking up and seeing your eyes shine.
Ever so bright,
As ever before.

Beauty without compare.
Beauty in eyes, and in your soul.

I always will save.
A special place,
For you in my heart.
Even as I say goodbye.

Reluctant, but I must.

Now as I try,
To tear myself away,
Difficult,
But remembering I’ll always care,
Fills me with hope.

Always wanting to see your smile.
But knowing I cannot.
It will hurt, but also give me life.

So I say goodbye,
With a heavy heart, and a heavier soul.
Knowing it’s goodbye.
In one way or other.

I can’t break myself anymore.

Though it’s never something you’ve done.

It’s my heart.
I care too much,
And I can’t,
It’s not fair on you,
Nor me.

So I try,
To shut off my mind,
Yet will always keep open my heart.

So I move on.
Knowing,
Nothing will replace,
But the memories stay,
The times remembered.

In every sunset,
I see your face,
Remember the times gone past.
Knowing hope,
From having met you,
For but the briefest time.

A time that cannot be replaced.
But I leave happy,
Having met,
You having touched my soul.
Like no other.

But that is fine,
It’s okay,
I’m happy,
To have met, to have seen your smile,
To have seen your face.

You’ve touched my soul,
More than you can ever know.

For even if you have no feelings for me,
I don’t care,
For I do and keep them.
But goodbye is how I go.

Always caring and hoping,
You get all the best,
For I care.
But only wishing I could share in your success.

But I say goodbye,
Caring from afar.

But I’ll never be far,
If you need to talk,
Will travel however far, to be with you so you’re not alone.
Will be there in the difficult times at your beckon,
Or there in spirit if you don’t.
To offer any comfort and support.
That my body and soul can provide.

For I care,
And always will.
For you hold, this special place in my heart, and that will not change.

I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide,
What I feel.
Angry, sad or happy,
To feel such bliss and care.
To be opened up, when I had lost.
To open up.
My heart. Closed to the world.
Having given up.

And then,
Suddenly,
Opened up.
Shown light and care.
Given me my best moments in my life,
Making me comfortable in my own skin,
In my own life.

To be dashed and changed.
Where I do not know.
Do not know what happened.
A crazy time of changes.
A time that has, no matter what,
Changed my life.

The question I ask,
The thing I cannot decide.
Do I regret this?
Do I?

The life to be taken away, the sight of what is true,
When all is okay,
I even asked myself during that time.
Why is everything so good?
In every way,
Finally feeling alive.
Okay with me, myself and living in my skin.

But to be taken away.

I say I cannot decide,
Because I do not want to.

But I’ve always known,
Will always know.
I do not regret.

It’s given me everything.
I can drop dead happy.
Knowing I lived a happy life,
Even if it was only for one month.

Better to leave it alive and kind,
That tainted with hardship.
But too late for that now.
Too late.
Broken heart,
Broken life,
Broken dreams and crushed underfoot.

Now nothing’s left,
But a facade,
One I keep,
For me as much as for you.
For this I’m the most sorry of all,
For myself,
How this goes.

Just to See

Just to see,
The reason and the being,
I finally see.
Can feel the life flowing through my veins.

The reason etched in my heart.
Why.
The why.
Life made true,
Me true, in knowing,
Knowing and finding,
From which the finding comes results and change.
The change itself from the determination of will.

I finally feel alive,
Knowing and wanting to be.
To try.
To make my mark,
To live my life.
It gets hard.

But knowing my reason,
Is the cure for all these ills.
The truth of me.


The day started rough. First day on antidepressants. Nauseous and excessive yawning like every 5 minutes. Felt sick and tired. Slept when I got home as so tired.

But had a catch-up and 3 drinks with a friend, chatting about lots of stuff, relationship stuff, his and mine. But yeah. Was nice. Was nice to help, to know, he said I knew a lot more about shit he’s surprised I did. Told him. It’s because I’m good at seeing the person they themselves hide from sight. Seeing past the facade, because I know I have many of my own I’ve been living for many many years. I can understand people more than they know. And I’ve found this often scares most people. Oh well.

It was nice, feel more in love, much better than I have in a while, remembering all my efforts for self improvement and bettering many aspects I’ve needed for ages. Remembering the reason, it’s all for me, but love was the reason to choose to do it now and make it work, to succeed. For the moments had, the happiest moments ever felt. I will get better. I know.

Because. More than ever in my whole life, I have reason to. That’s the thing, all these things needing improvement, improving may be difficult, but the hardest thing for me always has been. Finding the reason to bother to. The reason to try, the reason to change from the norm. But for the first time ever, I’ve had a true reason to try to make it all work.

And I know, when I find something I know I want to work (like Uni was for me) then I will succeed because there is no other alternative, no option, just success or success

Empty Acceptance

Empty acceptance,

Being trapped in life,
Wih all the bad,
Appraisal of the worst times,
Without the positive,
Living, feeling, life.
Yes the pain is hard, it’s hard.

Having changed my life,
In many ways to cling on,
Has only resulted, in emptying of any meaning.
Gaining results, that destroy the question.

Now, I can’t feel,
Anything.
Even miss the pain.
To know I am alive.
And now I look on at pain, or anything,
Looking on from the outside,
Thinking, questioning,
Was this the goal?
Is this worth it?

Feeling the aches of being alive,
Without what makes the pain worth it.

Now all I can do,
Is miss it.

Looking back on the past,
Like it was another’s life who lived it.
And it’s all just there,
Like water,
Just flowing past your hands no matter how you try to grasp it.

Lay here,
Waiting to feel,
Despite all the past trying not to.
I don’t feel sad.
Don’t feel anything.
But alive all the same.
Just alive all the same.
Waiting to feel good,
Hoping I’m still capable,

After trying to kill all feeling for so long,
Now I fear I can never feel happiness,
Just empty acceptance.
A numbed living.

As I listen to the sad song,
I cannot feel what it had meant,
But I think, I see it all, the past meaning,
Empty again. So I think,
And hope for life.
To be.
To live.

But it’s easier this way,
For most times,
Most things.
The things that aren’t important.

Only one thing,
At the moment,
That I’d hope this empty acceptance will change for.
Only one.

Hoping to feel,
One time.
Once again,
Like before,
That one time ago.

But for now.
Just this empty acceptance.
This empty acceptance.


Writing this. Been doing better over the last couple of days. Well, ‘better’ may not be the right word. Like saying having a lobotomy is a better way of life. Haven’t been feeling anything, feel just flowing, empty, numb. Not pained though.

This evening I’m writing is no different, feel closer to sadness, but I’ve stopped feeling. Writing on my mood tracking app, explaining the feeling I stumbled upon the now-title for this poem. Which is the best description for the feeling.

Doing a bit rough, but also not because I’m just empty of feeling. Like when you see why you should be or would be sad but aren’t.

Song Of A Memory

Song of a memory,
How the song shows,
The past, future and new.

How, why? It all.
I know. I see.
A glimpse of better than ever has been.

I need to know,
Need to see.

Where I can go.

What I need.
To find,
Feeling,
Finally alive.

Having so far. Moved forward.
I could never in my life have seen.

A world of pain behind me,
Where it crushed me.
It tore my world down and broke me.

This song,
This memory.
Has lifted.

This song. Beauty found in a world.
Beautiful moments.
Perfect times.

Remember. Hold. Keep.
Learn. Grow.
This song, of perfection. Of memory.


Been a rough day today, nice night out last night. Late to work, felt shit, it turned everything shit. Everything in totality. Everything just collapsed. Seemed all the progress I’ve made in the last 2 weeks just collapsed. It was horrible. Felt terrible. Everything just crushed everything else.

It changed suddenly, when I listened to my favourite song. I remembered some fond memories. It made everything a bit better, and from then I felt able to use my mindfulness I’ve been doing to keep the terrible thoughts away. And I felt I have made progress in the last week. I’ve had to rip so much apart to get better. I guess. Just so much. So many thoughts, ideas, things that haven’t changed since primary school. It’s been rough doing this. It’s been breaking.

I’ve needed it, and been finally motivated by something I’ve never even experienced before. Changed like I’ve never had before. I’ve probably needed it, losing university was a loss of purpose not studying. Losing most friends, so much that I do photography because it staves away loneliness, I don’t hang out with friends often, so when there’s a night out I have to go and have to bare the cost, on my health, lack of sleep, anything else, actually, this actually sums up my whole life. Only just realised I’ve always had no friends, a few close friends and never see anyone.

University has been the only time that’s changed, having friends you hung out with many days.

It’s hard. It’s always hard. I’m trying. But it’s just so hard. I try. I try. And many times want to give up.

But I’ve found meaning and a reason. At least, a reminder. It’s hard. But yeah.

A Sign, Unexpected

A sign unexpected,
Beyond any expectation,
Beyond any glimmer of comprehension.

A sign, showing me truth, showing me care,
Showing me confidence.
But also, showing me my scars,
My wounds, I had thought healed,
Opened and festering.
Without care I hoped to close,
To ignore.
That it had disappeared.
It hadn’t.
Just resided until again.

The pain still raw, still real.

It’s showed me.
The need to close,
To heal,
To end the chapter.
To cease its pain.
So a scar left will just be that.
A sign, a reminder, of the past.

It’s showed me.

It’s truly showed me.

From this sign, unexpected.
From a place unknown.

A message never expected.

A truth to be known.
A truth I didn’t see.
But now see clear.

I still, with this sign,
Know what to do,
But not the way.

I can only guess,
And truth my heart and mind.
To let go of the pain,
To let go of fear,
To see and to trust.
To rebuild,
To remedy.
To be kinder to myself,
For I’m here trying after all my struggles. After all the pain and scarring.

To find and cope.
To make whole again how I had been shattered, so long ago.
Yet the cracks remain fractured wide.

I will try.
I will try.

The first step was sight,
To see the pain still beneath,
The scars still left open.

Hopefully I can get peace,
After those scars are closed.
Hopefully I can find,
Be ready to find what was lost,
When I do this.


A happier poem has been long overdue, this is happy-sad, writing this way too late before work tomorrow but I have to for me and my mental health.

It’s happy and sad, happy for finding, happy for being and seeing, sad for losing, but happy for the hope of it getting better and maybe getting back what I regret to have lost. But needed to for getting back on track and a new perspective.

I aim to write a blogpost on another blog I have about hardship and how it should be embraced and learnt from for its forging elements. But will do that another time, hopefully tomorrow unlike I planned to today.

I haven’t added an image to a post in a long time. But this one deserves one. I was going to look at the site I usually went to. But was looking for a meaningful one. But. It hit me. There was only one image. The image that changed me, the time that changed me, the sunset I can never and would never want to forget. The one that started this life- and mind-changing journey. Started the confidence, the care, the pain, hardship and growth. It started it all.

I Hope

I hope,
Things get better,
Just better for us,
As the drift and fade may take.

But. I just hope.
Hope more than I can.
Hope to the whole world.
Hope,
Even as I’ll miss all the times.

Missing those such good times.
Times that’s shaped me,
Forever.

All I can,
Is hope and try.
But never forget.
How you shaped me.

Gave me hope, kindness,
That I never had.
I’ll never forget.
Can never forget this.

I never want to,
Forget the lessons shown.

Giving me such light to my soul.

Such light and hope.

I wish you every kindness,
That the world can offer.
I wish it all to find you.

I’m sorry.
That the path made was this one in end.
But not the journey, strength, hope.

A path I’m glad I found. You.
I’m glad.
You’ll never see this,
My gratitude.
The positive impact.
The hope and kindness.

But I hope the message reaches your soul.

As you’ve shown life to mine I cannot describe.


Writing this, happy-sad. Thinking, the way my life’s been changed. Been changed all for the best. Everyone working out their own things, their own journey, mine included. And despite how things appear. Mine’s been changed for the better. Purely for the better, even if I may not see it at times or many times. A special place in my heart for these times, a special place truly.

Forging the Pain

Forged from the pain, in the fires of Hell,
Comes my soul,
To break free,
As something new.
Forged in fire,
To find beauty in the world.
To find peace and goodness,
To give kindness and empathy,
For when the world seems cold.

I choose to stand.

From all the fire,
I have come to see.
To be.

My own soul and mind,
Broken and ripped apart,
Only to be forged back into place,
Stronger,
Scarred, but stronger for all that pain.

But this is where the story can all too often stop.
At those scars,
But with goodness to find,
A reason, aim.

To look and feel,
Grasp at beauty,
To cling to kindness and goodness,
My sword and shield.

As I choose,
To walk and bare those flames.
I choose.
Willingly,
To plunge my hand,
Consumed by flame.

To make,
To feel,
To be.

To try to be.


Writing this, thinking about me, my past, my present, future and photography. A way for me, to forge the pain, into something beautiful, peaceful, an encapsulation of me, and an extension of me.

Forging pain with photography into something nicer.

I Have The Memories

I have the memories,
The times past,
Times left in the balance.

Memories of a time.
Memories that no one can take,
That nothing can erase.

Of the times past.
From my past,
Memories that live on,
In the confines of my mind.

Pleasant memories,
Memories of kindness and care.
That I can hold on to,
Even as time fades.
Into the past,
Yet I remember clear,
Unlike any others,
Unlike other times.

But I remember,
Those times fondly.
At least these,
I have to keep.
Have these to remember and hold.

But these are mine.
Mine to keep.
Remember the changes,
How far I’ve come.

How far I’ve grown,
I’ve had to,
How care continues.
I haven’t,
Been hardened by a world so cold.
But fought to keep the flame burning bright.
To keep true.
To keep true to myself,
To knowing, to me.

To be all I can be.
To just be.


This poem is reminiscent, of an old one I wrote, many years before this blog, one that got published. I’ve grown a lot since I wrote that old one. It was a poem about memories, keeping them, no one changing or taking them.

Take Your Pain

What I’d give, to take your pain.
To take your pain,
How I see, how I feel.
Your pain, as my own.

Pain, I know all too well.
I’ve seen and lived.
Pain that’d broken me.
Over and over again.
Seeing it, once again.

It’s a pain.
A pain I know.
One I’d take again.
To release from it.

I write, to question.
To ponder.
To say, I would do this,
I wish to take that pain.

Watching it,
Pains me.
Seeing it,
Haunts me again.

To see,
When the soul breaks down,
It breaks apart.

I am sorry.

I wish I could.

I want to do so.
Take the pain,
Save another.
Pain I have become so accustomed,
Even now,
I cannot distinguish pain from its lack.

But I fight,
Knowing who I am,
Who I want be.
And I,
I will,
Fight my demons,
And beat them.
To help you.
To help you with yours.
That’s.
A battle.
I can fight.
I can win against my demons.
Filled with strength and meaning.

I can fight and win my demons.
To find my best self.
My true self, meaning.

But I try.
Seeing the pain.

But.
You try.
To hide your pain,
Knowing mine.
But we cannot hide from our own past,
Our trials.
No matter how we try.

So I have come to find.
All we can do.
Is try to face them.
See them,
Embrace and throw them.
Aside.
In a fight,
Everyday.

But that’s it.

So I try.
Again and again.
In an endless fight.
But I care.
More than I want to admit.
More than I want to see,
But even I can’t hide from that.
And I don’t think I want to,
Even if I could.