Looking Up Into The Sky, Seeing Your Eyes

As I look up into the night sky,
I just see your eyes,
As I stare, encapsulated.

Always remembering that first night,
How I wonder.
How things changed.
How times change.

And I am left staring alone into the night sky.
Only seeing you,
Your eyes,
Brighter than the Sun,
Kind, and bringing me to life.
I write, this, never wanting to move,
Wanting time to stop,
As I look up and see your eyes.

But times have changed.
I have to go.
To save myself,
From heartbreak that will never go away.
Always with care,
To always be there if you need.

But I must go.
To save you the pain,
Seeing me break.
Seeing my heart break everytime.
I wonder if you ever cared.
To see my heart break.
But I pause.
And remember.
Looking up and seeing your eyes shine.
Ever so bright,
As ever before.

Beauty without compare.
Beauty in eyes, and in your soul.

I always will save.
A special place,
For you in my heart.
Even as I say goodbye.

Reluctant, but I must.

Now as I try,
To tear myself away,
But remembering I’ll always care,
Fills me with hope.

Always wanting to see your smile.
But knowing I cannot.
It will hurt, but also give me life.

So I say goodbye,
With a heavy heart, and a heavier soul.
Knowing it’s goodbye.
In one way or other.

I can’t break myself anymore.

Though it’s never something you’ve done.

It’s my heart.
I care too much,
And I can’t,
It’s not fair on you,
Nor me.

So I try,
To shut off my mind,
Yet will always keep open my heart.

So I move on.
Nothing will replace,
But the memories stay,
The times remembered.

In every sunset,
I see your face,
Remember the times gone past.
Knowing hope,
From having met you,
For but the briefest time.

A time that cannot be replaced.
But I leave happy,
Having met,
You having touched my soul.
Like no other.

But that is fine,
It’s okay,
I’m happy,
To have met, to have seen your smile,
To have seen your face.

You’ve touched my soul,
More than you can ever know.

For even if you have no feelings for me,
I don’t care,
For I do and keep them.
But goodbye is how I go.

Always caring and hoping,
You get all the best,
For I care.
But only wishing I could share in your success.

But I say goodbye,
Caring from afar.

But I’ll never be far,
If you need to talk,
Will travel however far, to be with you so you’re not alone.
Will be there in the difficult times at your beckon,
Or there in spirit if you don’t.
To offer any comfort and support.
That my body and soul can provide.

For I care,
And always will.
For you hold, this special place in my heart, and that will not change.


The end,
It goes and comes,
The times and they stop.
I know and have made my peace.
Made my peace, knowing my own mind.
Knowing I’ve tried.

Been the best person I can, with all my flaws and mistakes.

But to let go.
To say goodbye.
I know.

I’m content,
The calm at the end,
After the storm has passed.

I know.
I see you.
I know.
I’m sorry.

But I know.

It’s okay.
It really is.
One present, one goodbye.
I don’t want.
But have come to terms,
With this state of finality.
An end gesture of care.
I always care.

I know me,
I know who I am,
And I will always care.
But it’s okay.

I’ve come to terms.

The finalty of it all.

Loving Hurts

Heart torn in two,
Care to break my heart.
Care I have,
That it pains me,
Breaks me down but builds me, builds me as it breaks me down.

To say goodbye, and to help,
Goodbye to find themselves.

My mind,
My empathy,
It breaks and swallows me,
But all I can do, is to hold the feeling. My reason.

So I know why, even as it kills me inside.

My heart breaks.

Emptiness swallows me.
But care motivated me.

A goodbye,
Not wanted,
A goodbye I tried to avoid.

I’m sorry.
Sorry to them.
Sorry in my mind.
Sorry to me and the world.

But I am not sorry, for the reason.
I am sorry it was the only, way.

My mind, clawed to dark and light.
Dark for all of my overthinking, dark for where I’m going now.
The only light comes from remembering, remembering the feeling, what motivated this, the care.

Need to fight,
Fight the darkness,
As I’ve lost the light.
I. Have lost. I, have devastated myself.
My empathy, it kills me.
But makes me, and saves me.

Life, love, care, empathy, it all hurts. But themselves make life worth it.

Oh how it hurts.
My brain, won’t let me have peace.
I am sorry.
A scar on my mind.

It breaks me down.

But I keep hold, hold to the reason that made me tick.

Said goodbye today, goodbye because I care, goodbye because I care. I need her to try. Need her to get closure. Need to give her space.

I’ve felt I’ve lost everything. Life got so perfect, then I had to say goodbye, it was me who said goodbye. Why did I do this! I did it for her but I can’t stand I did say goodbye. But I needed to, did it for her.

This continues, continues from my last poem. I feel like I’ve died, I’ve lost everything. Lost something. Lost. Everything.

Embracing A Sad Goodbye

Embracing a sad goodbye,
Ending at its time,
It’s close.

Saddened by the end,
Enlivened by the times,
So much learned,
So much cared,
Hoping for all the best,
To outshine all the bad.

Another step,
Knowing it’ll all be fine.
Embracing a sad goodbye,
Not wanting to bid the time to close.
But for now,
I, at peace, with a goodbye,
Not wanted to be said.

But it’s fine,
It’ll be alright.
With the world in the making,
To show what the world can be.

I will be.
I will be.

Thank you for all the times,
No matter how far the times pass or leave into distant memories.
I know,
Just know,
Despite. The sad goodbye.
It’ll never be too far.
To know.
To know.
To care and wish all the best.
And to always be there,
If at all the time calls,
No matter when the time calls.

That’s what, it is,
That’s how, it goes.
And that’s alright.
It’s all going to be alright.
But I know how if the time calls,
Whenever that time calls.

I’ll be there,
To try and be there.
To help and to care.

That’s the best of humanity,
To care through humanity.

And thanks,
And thanks, for all the good times.
For making it brighter, for a time.

I’ll always be there,
To help and be there.
As darkness always falls for all of us,
Yet a reminder, for the light.
That reaches out to grab hold of us.

With humanity we can all care.
To be,
And to share.

I care as I embrace the goodbye.
Through time,
Through time.

Wrote this, a little while back. But unsure. Maybe I won’t publish this. But don’t know. We’ll see or I guess you all will or won’t haha. But yeah. Funny thinking or feeling or caring. It makes us human, empathetic, better than the world we’re made of, born into. To make a better one, one small act of kindness at a time.

Moment’s Goodbye

The goodbye,
Of a moment,
Of all those times.

The goodbye of the moment.
Slipping off into time.
As the memories stay,
Of times gone by.
A bitter-sweet moment.

As it flows by.
And what is to come.

From the moment’s goodbye.

Writing this, finishing and finally submitting my dissertation. An end to an era, goodbyes to close friends, the end to 22 years of study. An end. Sad, but one I welcome having learnt so much. But still a little sad. Always bad at saying goodbye, to people, to times, to old parts of my life.

It Fades

It fades,
The times,
It all, receding into a beautiful landscape, peace and calm all flow by.

Yet left, sorrowful,
For all my mistakes,
What I’ve done. But only trying.

Pain always lasting,
In my mind that never forgets,
Though I will it to.
My inability, my wall.
It blocks me.

Making the path,
Making what I wish,
An inevitable impossibility,
Though its all I want.

To try,
To be,
To heal.

Left with many sentence starts,
Thoughts and ponderings, in my head,
Trying to capture sorrow.
Trying to show sorrow.
Trying to unfeel what I do feel,
To atone for past mistakes.

Wishing an alternative,
When the mind cannot break from its path.
Being better,
Truly so,
But not. In one respect.
A sadness I live,
One I feel.

Incapable to get past,
Ignore and bury as I try.

A past I miss, missed.
My mind.
Gave up.

Stronger now,
But also not.
In many ways,
But a barrier persists.

Trying to find a way.
But hits up against a wall.
And I give,
It all to try.
But I know,
Know the fade.

As I try, to give my all.
Pondering into this moment,
All I can say.
Is sorry.

To it all.
As I recede. Knowing I’ve tried.
Never enough,
But. All is all. That’s all I’ve got.

Must I shut my
This I do not want.
But I know no other.
I have tried it all.

But all I can say.
Is I’ll always care.
To help at times.
Because that’s all I can do.
A promise made, always to be kept.
In all my flaws, it’s one promise I can make.

Been an amazing day, totally amazing. A great day. This saddens me slightly, no regrets. But regret for the past, in part.

The thoughts to the past, remind me of the broken. I am truly happy about today. Truly. But this makes it harder. Not to dwell on the darkness.

No regrets today. So much light. But this also shows a glimpse of darkness.

Sad for the past. Uncertain about the future. I’m happy, but also sad and fearful. Wish. Just wish I could be better.

A touching poem, it makes me happy and sad. It breaks me, knowing what the mind has always known. But. Well. That’s that.

I could stay on this bench pondering, thinking, for hours more. But I can’t, I must leave this landscape. And go. As I have to.

To Remember

The cherishing of all those moments,
Those chats.
Built on,
A whole world past,
Making and making this mind of mine,
This kind.

Holding the memory in place.
Thanks, place and hope.
That last day shining,
Beauty in the sun,
The world shining bright,
Kindness, cuteness and wonder.

All held true,
Remembering it all,
For what it was.

Brief, kind, nice.
A time.
Hopefully not for the end,
Golden times,
So much, little, casual and kind.
Kindest moments,
Those little chats,
About it all,
All sorts.

To remember.

Happy right now, also little happy-sad, thinking, of memories, times, conversations. Then thought of my unusual memory for social events, remembering it even many times being able to quote 80% of something said. I’ve always known the reason, as a kid, never saw friends outside of school much, so I made sure a time months ago would be memorised for all I could. Something that has come in both useful and maladaptive for my mental health, but overall, almost a world of help and helps to go on, remember and lots of stuff.

Unfortunately this memory doesn’t go into other areas necessarily, work was stressed last night but yeah. Oh well, live in the moment of happy-sad bliss.

Happy Send-Off

The happy send-off,
As I wait in normalcy,
The moment long,
Anticipating, waiting to see the shine.

A long moment, the send-off in the waiting.

A happy-sad goodbye, happy send-off,
The times,
Flashing in my mind,
Those moments.

The happy-sad moments,
In the making in the living,
Beauty in the seeing,
For the finite moment, time.

Nerves come,
For a moment,
Mind pondering,
Placing it in mind,
Before the memories flood,
And the feelings feel,
It all fades,
Leaving the slight smile in the middle of nothing, nowhere.

A gleeful smile,
A happiness, pure,
But simple,
Simple and kind.

Nothing more,
Kindness and care,
Simple times,
Wondrous happenings.

All in the waiting,
During, for,
A happy send-off

A beautiful time,
As it passes,
I hold on,
To keep,
To stop it slipping away.
I try.
I cease this.
To make it.
The feeling and care,
For a time,
To keep it from fading,
But for a moment.

Before the inevitable, beautiful send-off.

Writing this, again, happy, but also sad and pondering, thinking, still happy.
Another date in the mix, but yeah, thinking.

Like the sadness of a goodbye, briefly after the hello, a long period in waiting, long knowing. Thinking. But it’s not a sadness, but a happy-sadness.

Funny, emotions are, the feeling, worry, happiness, pain and uncertainty all at the same time. The mind, happily plodding about, in this moment, trying to sort it all out. But at least I’m doing okay now, better, lost but looking, and okay in this.

Writing this bit hours after the first part, got two more meet-ups organised, all so soon, maybe, excited, she is too. Want to make a good send-off, times I’ll always remember.

With motivation. I have managed to do something I’ve been trying for ages, all in hope and kindness and care and for such amazing times.

The Simple Moment

The simple moment,
A simple time,
All laid, on the table,
Casual conversation through it all.

From nothing into being,
Casual time, after casual time.

This simple moment,
Simple, beautiful, but still so simple.
A casual being,
But made into perfection,
Through its simple nature.

Of how, you can see the world in a sunset,
On a cliff edge,
A seascape or a mountaintop.
Simple moments in time,
Simple moments of location,
Seeing purity from simplicity.
Such a casual-perfect endeavour.

When, you look, back-round.
A realisation hits of this perfection,
Nerves come around,
Kindness, unsual but found.
A simple time, able to show,
A true self buried deep.
Aspects ignored for being alone,
But now not?

These times, moments, so simple,
Yet also so perfect that it confounds my mind.
My brain, understanding the dichotomy,
While also not.
Like a puzzle when solved, but continues to pose questions.

A perfect night,
Casual night,
A mutual goodbye-hello.
From a time been waiting for ages,
While concurrently new and out-of-the-blue.

With so many chances,
Chance on chance on chance,
Making this night,
Line up,
Making us light up.

From the laughs and smiles,
The night’s remembered.
From everything and the feeling.
The night’s cherished.

From everything,
The feeling, simplicity and humanity.
The night’s legacy.

All from but a simple moment,
A night in,
Between two nerds.

Uncapturable simplicity,
Uncapturable significance
Uncapturable perfection.
Cherished in all its meaning.

Goodbye or not. The moment lives on,
A reminder of goodness,
Of all that can.

This perfect, simple moment.

Writing this, trying to capture, the feeling, thoughts, seeing my friend yesterday, for our movie night with cooked dinner and Ben & Jerry’s chats of the past, goals, achievements, dreams and so much more.

Honestly, it was so casual, so, I guess ‘nothing’ but was a perfect night. A perfect night, being able to be myself, be nerdy, chatted Pokemon, something I hadn’t really talked about in ages. Their clear nerdy but cute capability to name them all, and know all things anime. Such a simple moment. One I wished I could capture, but know before writing this that I cannot. But that, I guess, is part of the beauty, as my friend in America says, (paraphrasing/ my interpretation) that beauty comes from the fleeting moment, its being in the moment. What I wrote last night, I felt drunk, very, but totally sober, drunk on life, happy with everything, ecstatic.

Now more calm, collected but still ecstatically happy. My mind running clearer again.

Lost For Words

Lost for words
Beautiful moment.
A crystal, so much and little.
A world, inside the shard.

Casual perfection,
Precious moment,
Shared, experiencial,
A moment finite and gone.

Am lot for words,
In this moment,
Mind a blur,
Thoughts running amok.

It all.
Fleeting and perfect. It all,
The place.
It all,
That smile,
So casual,
The laughs.

Perfect, words lost me. Perfect. Aoboutely perfect. Amazing time at my friend’s house for dinner and I brought dessert, a movie, deep and varied chats. Perfect in its totality. A night to remember.