Even Though

Even though,
I try,
I be.
Experiences,
It all occurs.
A holiday.
To truly see.
To appreciate,

It all allows me to see.

Even though,
All the times,
The being,
Living in the time,
It all allows me to see.
To put into perspective,
As I try.
Allows me to try harder,
As I can see.

It all.

It all.
Allows me to see.

Trials,
Trips and ponderings,
As I.
Can be.


Amazing day, amazing chat with an old friend I’ve wanted to see for ages, amazing times and feeling grateful for an amazing boss and all the amazing people at work. Amazing! And excited for a film in the cinema to see! So good!

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Born Anew

Born anew,
This feeling,
This life,
A world within grasp.

My world,
My life.
Born anew from the fires of pain.
A determination running through my veins,
A beauty that life has to offer.
The kindness offered.
My call to action,
Care, love and willpower.
My world held.

What this feeling.
A strength from nowhere,
Yet also everywhere.
This world running deep.
Fast, to keep.

Born anew,
Through a world of pain.
A phoenix, wings spread.
Fury, determination and life.
Born anew from my ashes extinguishsd,
To this life to come,
Has come.
Born anew.


Writing this, declined a night out.

Many things to say, so many people to thank for all the kindness. A crush and so much ahead and ahead. Within my grasp. It’s hard with me and my FOMO. But I’m good, other good times will come. I’m at peace with myself, calm. Loving everything.

Owe it to others and myself. To be the best I can be.

Yeah!

Luckiest Man Alive

Luckiest man alive,

Finding someone worthwhile,

Someone to make you smile,

Even those darkest nights.

Someone to be better for,

Her smile, to make my day.

A text that makes me crumble.

Racking my mind unintentionally,

Thinking of you,

Wishing you all the best.

Wanting to see you again.

Holding on to all lessons you gave me.

All you taught me.

To all the memories we shared,

Laying in your bed,

Talking and sharing our deepest thoughts, feelings and memories.

That drunken night.

The memories of all.

Wishing I told you.

Wishing I let you know.

I’ve been the luckiest man alive to have met you,

Felt understood,

Felt kindness.

Hoping I’ve shown you the same.

As you have to me.

The luckiest man alive.

To have met you,

To have known you.

Till we meet again.

I will not fail,

I look forward.

I’ll show you,

I must.

That I care,

That…

You’ve made me the luckiest man alive.

Past Feeling

Those past feelings,

The times once had.

Remembering and reliving.

Wondering in this present state.

Not unhappy,

Remembering in ecstasy,

But remembering…

It’s left to the past.

Those past feelings.

Replaced by the present remembering.

Good memories,

Left to past feelings.

The times,

Hectic but great.

Lived fully, and left to memory.

A small but great time.

Of past feeling.

Left.

Confined to history,

To remembering,

The past feeling.

‘Truly A Book To Capture It All’ – Review of Stoner by John Williams


He had wanted the singleness and the still connective passion of marriage; he had that, too, and he had not known what to do with it, and it had died. He wanted love; and he had had love, and had relinquished it, had let it go into the chaos of imagepotentiality.

Katherine, he thought. ‘Katherine.’

And he had wanted to become a teacher, and he had become one; yet he knew, he had always known, that for the most of his life he had been an indifferent one. He had dreamed of a kind of integrity, of a kind of purity that was entire; he had found compromise and the assaulting diversion of triviality. He had conceived wisdom, and at the end of the long years he had found ignorance.

Stoner by John Williams, page 285


Stoner, by John Williams, an usual book to start. But. Totally encapsulating. Containing so much feeling, meaning experience. I will give my review of the book, not really a formal review, but one looking and reflecting on the book, feeling and experience of reading it. I endeavour not to mention explicit spoilers, but I do mention my emotional experiences reading it and the emotions it passed onto me (the inspiration for my poem ‘Feelings Not My Own’)

Stoner, a book of an experience, an experience of fiction, but somewhat real. The feelings it portrays are totally real and totally thrust me into the story, caring, experiencing and feeling.

All of the poems that I wrote yesterday, took inspiration from the book, around the section of the above quote, I had to stop. To savour experiencing the end, the feeling, when I could concentrate and experience without distraction and reflect through this blogpost.

The feelings this book can capture and enstill on the reader, are immense, I would describe this book as an emotional rollercoaster. The feelings of love, happiness, existence and passion, but, at least for me, the book seems to emphasise negative feelings. But not ‘negative feelings’ in the conventional sense. I would describe these feelings as negative, but without feeling, a portrayal of the reality behind existence, the reality behind being, the existence of life, and one’s place within it. Here I shall endeavour to encapsulate my feelings and experiences in regards to the book in its totality:


The discovery and ecstacy of love, finding a crush, the feelings behind planning, the future and struggling and succeeding despite all adversity. The choices to be made in life, choices that make us, shape us, define us. The choices we make, the choices that aren’t owned by ourselves, until we make the decision. Then the choice becomes ours, becomes personal and meaningful. There is also the adversity of life not overcome, adversity in existence, the tiresome living, the hurting of family and friends, the loss of those we care for.

The watching as life rolls by, and we make what we can, leave our mark but inevitably fail to find conventional ‘happiness’, but, find a form of contentment out of the adversity, contentment with pain and dissatisfaction, not out of choice, but out of necessity to keep on living. The pain and somewhat helplessness in dealing with situations and people encountered in life.

The friendships made and kept and solidified through truth, adversity, hardship and mutual love and care. As life goes on, never enough time, never enough done, never enough success to make one feel full and content, nevertheless contentment and perseverence and change to overcome all adversity.

It is totally encapsulating a feeling I cannot express with words; a feeling of contentment out of unrelenting discontentment, of existing without achievement, but continuing to persevere for your aims and continue to keep journeying to achieve them, even if you never actually achieve them, you make the journey anyway and contently, live out your life with the aim in mind, the objective aimed for.

The book’s ending (from around page 285 until the end), I will try not to spoil (as much as I can while expressing my more affective ‘review’). One that encapsulates the book, the ending, a fitting end, one that captures and summarises the whole book, not in a repetitive manner, but one suitable to, in my opinion, its aimed portrayal, of life, without highlight of the good times, without hiding the bad times, but merely portraying human experience, in a way that truly resonated with me. The portrayal of sadness, closing, finality and happiness, dissatisfaction, reminiscing and also summarising and deep-contemplation. The very last page. Written to perfection. Even thinking of it, causes my eyes to well-up. A perfect, concise, summarised end. Like the finalities found in everyday living, without show, or celebration, without positivity or negativity, just sweet, maybe reluctant, but nevertheless final, end. Drifting off into silence. As the words on the page end with the final period… and then… silence.


A powerful story, I know that I paint a bleak picture of the novel, but, it is more than this. It’s more than the sum of its parts (not to mention the subjective experience of the reader that needs not be said). It is a book, not everyone will like, it’s writing is definitely unconventional, but I find this is its beauty, it captures reality, as nothing else does. Captures reality, much like my poetry does for me, and also the poetry I read from many others on WordPress. Capturing reality, for what it is. The highs of the good experience, the lows of the bad. The real life existence. The one we share, both content, and also discontent.

Although I say it’s a novel that not everyone will ‘like’, I would say that I think everyone should give it a read. I would unapologetically be happy to suggest this  novel to anyone I know, especially anyone I feel comfortable to talk to about personal and emotional matters.

To personally summarise this novel and my experience reading it in very few words:

A book that captures reality. For what it is.

 

 

I would like to write a note, to my very close friend who gifted this novel to me, inspirsation for ‘Little Gift From the Heart‘, thank you so very much for this book. I sure hope that you do not see this review, and if you do… that you do not think it too harsh, or feel the book’s been a saddening experience. It has been a realistic experience, a vicarious living and experiencing of a life, not my own. Yet also I see past experiences, events, ways of thinking also appear throughout this book, almost every couple of pages. This book was a mixed experience to read, but an invaluable one, and one I am a better person for reading. Thank you, thank you very much Ruby.

You.

You,

Your smile makes me grin,

A message from you brightens up my day,

Your jokes make me laugh,

My jokes make me giggle and beam,

You recommend a film and that makes it much better.

You, make me a better version of myself.

One I like.

All I offer is kindness and care.

It is not enough being me, for you.

But it’s all I have to offer.

To be around you.

I feel complete.

I lose track of time.

Everything blurs into the background.

You are my focus,

My giddy self.

That feeling. It’s indescribable.

Fills me with warmth and joy.

Yet when it’s over I hold on,

Play it over in my head,

Hope for the next time.

Live excited knowing I get to see you again.

Any excuse to see you.

That way you come over, sit next to me,

Chat, joke, laugh, or even confide.

Gives me warmth inside.

You.

This, my feelings, my person.

Am I enough? No.

But it is all I am, all I can be.

Now, it is up-

To You.

My Great Turn

Just a blog, thinking, want to write things out to try and make more sense of them, think about them. May help others, I hope it does or might, but the motivation is to help me think through things myself.


 

For a long time, a long time, almost a year, at its largest but half a year at its shortest, I’ve been incredibly down, depressed, hating everything, having lost any meaning or motivation. It’s been tough, hurtful. I’ve been hurt, rationally and irrationally, lots of thought whirling in my own head like a hurricane of glass.

 

Recently going out with friends, freeing myself from stressors and in an effort to be completely frank, freeing myself from hurtful people, horrible people, people I had been warned about for a long while. It has hurt a lot till recently.

Even on those good nights out with friends and the people I care about most, getting to know new people better, talking to others, making new friends. I still do have times of thought or feeling down. Which obviously hurt, but are normal. However it doesn’t dampen the whole night or week anymore.

I have finally had a great turn, not great in terms of objective significance, but subjectively it has changed me, will there be tough times, yes, there will be. But hopefully in writing this, I will remember that there is an end to the sadness and emptiness. It’s about making a choice to focus on the people you love, avoid the people who are ‘toxic’ (a name a friend termed the horrible person I mentioned, I used the label internally to help myelf before, prior to being hurt again by them.)

Now I’ve found an escape, the things I love, the people I care about, the novel experience for the taking, the potential, the places.

There is gold worth to be found. A difficult task. But always worth it.

 

I guess at the end of this, I would like to dedicate this to all my friends, in real life, but I would also like to mention A Girl in Purple Dockers, who merely asked if I was okay when I wasn’t.

It’s these imagined, but real, communities we all build around ourselves that matters most to me.

This dedication, to all my friends, who make everything better, even if only slightly, people who, are kind, a great distraction from the bad that goes on, interesting, social, diverse and all are individual and perfect, truly perfect. One set of lyrics I like from a song that describes my friends in my own eyes, are “perfect imperfections”. Nobody is perfect, but the ‘imperfections’, differences, variations and diversity are all amazing.

 

Thank you, to all you great, amazing people, even if none of you will see this.