Lost In Place

Lost in place,
All the soace around me,
Claustrophobic,
Free to move, bt chained in place,
With lots but without choice,
Mind anchoring, keeping me,
Unmotivated.
Lack of direction, lack of choice,
Makes a lead, to unmotivation.

Havig always had a goal.
Now seen to be a lie,
One I told,
To keep going, trying.
Told, to try and achieve, where not achieving was the only other alternative.
My only choice,
Taken away,
A aim I held for so long. Gone.

Now I exist in limbo,
My own personal hell.
Hoping, trying. But both fading.
I see the life drift from my finger tips,
See the hope drain from my eyes.
My soul fade from hope,
To hatred, unhappiness, emptiness and exhaustion.
All for everything,
Lies I made, needed to believe to give meaning.

A lie I thought could hold if I keep the flame alive,
I didn’t expect the sudden extinguish.

Or did I?

I think I did.
But hiding the truth when it leaked through the lie that needed telling.

A lie I needed. A lie I told.
A lie to fight the loss, emptiness.
A lie now failed,
I find myself.
Lost in place.


Amazing meal out for a friend’s birthday, haven’t seen them almost in a year while we’re all in the same city. A group of friends I almost saw every week for a couple years.

Good to see them. Really needed this, a treat, a reminder.

Still feeling lost, hurt, sad, and without motivation but small things like this, nice times are much needed distractions, things, small times, bringing me back to life.

The poem is dark, has needed to be written, about the gradual process, me since September, maybe even from 2017 a gradual decline I tried to hold back. Now the only things holding it back, my motivation, hope and idea of hard work bearing fruit. All fade, all gone, all shown as the lie I told myself to try and will a reality into being. It was worth the try. It was a good run. Still happy about tonight out, this is an undertone, a constant one for years, but at least I can replay the night in my mind, to offer what little comfort I can forge from it. To lessen pain.

Making me feel living rather than just existing.

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Lost and in pain

Lost and in pain,
Being for the meaning.
As the song faded to close,

Failing as my life just drifts, I want to just drift,
To get lost,
To fall apart to save from the pain.

As I think. I feel. Piece by piece I die inside.
Always hiding,
Trying not to see.

Upset in the thinking.


Bit of a meh day. Photo-editing was alright, and nice I was invited out to dinner with some friends which I’m looking forward to. But still, pain is my life, even at the best. It all hurts. I

Mind Dragging Away

The mind dragging away,
Pulling away,
Fracturing being,
Throwing,
Being,
Pain through thoughts,
So much there,
Just so much.
It’s always the same,
Thoughts after a time,
Just thoughts, after it all.
Thinking overwhelming.

Sinking and thinking,
As the darkness creeps in,
Flowing through my veins for a while,
Until the time.

At the time.
Trying to be.
Trying not to think,
But just there.
Existing and thinking.

Just in the being,
As I drift,
Thinking through the fall.

Oh how my mind sinks and thinks.
Drifting down and down.

Oh how it wont stop.
It doesn’t waver.

Just down and down it goes.

Breaking through the fall,
Making me so angry at being.
Anger at the thinking.

Pain in being,
Just cryibg out,
To be heard.

Wailing into the dark wind.
Sinking faster and faster.

Trying,
Alone in the darkness.
Just feeling.
But fine.
In the being.

In this time.
In place,
I feel, so empty.
In place, being, so empty.

But trying,
I feel.
So empty.
Trying. But so empty.
Empty in thinking, and feeling,
Trying, but.

Just dragged down.
Empty.


Good times this week. Seeing a friend last weekend, hard work on a project of mine. Work was okay but stressful today, but at least now I know it’s something I can handle and people have faith in me. Which is nice. Saw a friend briefly when they were in town, was over the moon to see.

Now just thinking, about it all. Feeling sad. Been wanting to write a lot of poetry but early nights have meant I haven’t really had the chance.

Thinking, for a while, how my mind, takes a happy time and rips me apart so I can’t be hurt. By torturing and hurting myself.

Sad Thoughts

Sadness grips me,
And here I am thinking,
Just thinking,
Wondering.

I place my mind.
It exists in time.
Just being.
So tired, so tired.

Losig hold,
So cold.
Empty, thinking.

End it.
I’m tired.
Always.


Today a hectic shift much like yesterday. Thinking, about thinking, I know how my mind works, it follows a simple set of consistent rules. So I can predict responses based on different occurrences. When seeing a counsellor it isn’t help understanding I need. It’s a way to fix my mental health.

I remember exactly the memory leading me to hate my brother for many years from primary school until university. I can remember many flash points of tension and hate anger in my life.

While at work I remembered something from my childhood that I never thought was out of the ordinary but now I think it, it is. When I used to be religious, I prayed to God everyday wanting to die at like age 7, I remember it crystal clear. What a sad existence, and that was before I even really knew it.

Funny how these memories come to the fore again. And my tendency to see these things as normal and now looking back on them they’re, I guess, far from such.

Today I’ve felt angry when not asleep. Maybe pushing myself too hard, so tired. Just so tired.

Beauty In The Sadness

Beauty In,
Beauty in the sadness,
Times, worries, hopes.
Being in the moment.
Moments to be.

Beauty in the trying,
In the triumph,
In the world and feeling.
Beauty in being,
Intricate moments,
Thinking in time.

Trying to be happier,
In the moment,
In the time,
Time passed,
Time being, feeling,
Making it,
Step by step,
Trying and trying.

Making,
To be.

Looking off into the distabce if my mind,
Thinking of the times.
Thunking of all the places
Memories,
Pains and trials.
Trying and trying to all my being can muster,

It’s about the care,
The truth,
Being,
And the times.
And so I try.
Trying to be.
To care and say.

Trying no matter what,
The darkness of the mind can muster,
Living in the care,
In the time.

To be and try,
I try, even as I may grow tired.
I shall still try.
To keep my heart and mind,
My soul alive.
And so I keep going,
To go on and try.


Writing this, a bit sad. Amazing graduation, amazing time before Christmas seeing my dad in London, amazing time back home just after Christmas, amazing time for my graduation. The end of an era. Worries, care, trying, memories. All bringing beauty, beauty in pain, and in triumph.

Withdrawn

Withdrawn,
The mind, tired of hiding behind ignorance.
Only to see,
Only to embrace,
What is never to be seen.

Horrors of the past laid out bare.
A collection. Thinking.
And I think.

Down a dark corridor,
No light to be seen.
Thought to be new,
Until I realise,
This is how,
It’s always been,
But not wanted to be.
So I chose not to see.

To turn my eye.

And try to try.

And I see it all.
Laid out.
No matter.
How I try.

Thinking.
Wondering.

A path,
I tried not to see.

Bit worried, saw my best friend after ages, felt a little out of it. Been pondering recent anxieties. It was awesome and I loved it. Can’t help wondering if I upset them. They probably would never tell me if I did. But I do.

Thinking of experience, paths, future. Thinking.

Beauty In The Feeling

In this feeling,
Present in the moment,
A shining light,
Beauty, in the feeling,
The sad and happiness,
Beauty in being, in feeling.
Being swallowed whole,
Its individuality, collective experience,
A world experienced,
World on show,
World felt and getting to know.

An experience,
A memory,
The pain, hurt,
All just to make,
To share, feel and see.

Just to hold on.

As the world shines,
Radiant even when alone,
World as it shines.

Making it whole,
Making its worth.

As it goes,
To feel,
Experience,
A beauty in the feeling.


Writing this, feeling mixed, weird. Been watching a lot of YouTube videos about photography of all types and what I want to get more into. It’s been really weird, totally alone for Christmas, weird, but surprisingly okay, but also weird. Just feels like another day. I know it is only just another day, it’s people and societal constructions that make it ‘special’.

What’s got me amazingly happy, mixed and feeling, thinking, thinking of photography, my photography and philosophy of my photography; to capture a moment, it’s feeling, sight, memory and warmth. Just reminds me, the thing that made this Christmas really good, quite sad haha, the friend I wrote my last poem about, messaged me at like 3am on Christmas Day (time zone difference) and yeah, haha, were the first and probably only person really to wish me a happy Christmas and we chatted for a bit. Haha, feeling a little crazed happy, feeling, feeling and thinking.

Which leads me back to thinking of photography. Just the feeling it can produce. Thinking of my photography trip, seeing people together and some alone, kind people and showing kindness to random people I met, feeling of experience, being, a commonality of experience of humanity while also individuality. As humans, all problems and toils, individual as they may be, somewhat cathartic knowing you’re not the only one going through anything. Something I’ve been trying to help family members understand, somewhat validates and provides some small beauty, comfort, against the pain.

So mixed but happy, and deeply pondering I get distracted when writing. Will spend a while tonight deep in pondering.

The picture is one of my favourites, taken by chance, the person got in the way of the shot I wanted, but makes it infinitely better, and I’m so glad. This is the proof, to the beauty of being, feeling, capturing and also beauty in moments of pain. Even if it never feels like it at the time. Collective experience, being, individuality. But I guess I need to finalise this post or I could write for hours.

Missing

Missing,
The time, the place,
All that time ago,
So much has changed and gone.

Always good to see,
Missing the time,
As the sun shines,

My eyes to capture the sight,
To live, in the moment, in time.
Here I am,
To see,
Witness.

To ponder,
To strive,
A world better,
All making,
In the making.

In the world so light,
To weather the storms,
To try,
Against the dark storm clouds,
Only to end up past.

To see,
To feel,
To make and be.

And as I recall,
Missing,
I remember,
I see,
And filling,
With joy,
As I remember,
So many times past,
So much fun,
And only onwards,
On into the future.

To make,
To be,
To live.

Better than before,
Stronger and free.
Missing,
But better,
And being.


Has a pondering day, good day of more photography. But, feeling, missing a friend of mine who’s on an amazing trip abroad and always cool when we chat, about our art, about random stuff. Thinking back. Feeling good.

Year of Direction

Invigorated,
From nothing, I have found.
Once lost,
Looking on without a hope.

Knowing on from my past,
A path always lead,
Always known,
But I had lost.
Lots held, just gone.

But sitting, thinking, knowing.
From all it came,
From all made,
With what I known,
With what I held,
Without even knowing.
I have seen.

Now I find from what I hadn’t needed.
Found where to find from lost,
From when I had not lost.

Feeling hopeful,
Found,
Finding from what I always did.
A time when I had lost,
But not realised, what it was I had.

The times, processes.
The world and how it worked.

My mind may be torture,
But it is mine,
It has its benefits,
Ever-pain, but endless drive.
Hurtful pain,
It can be kept.
Left to unfeeling,
Driven past.

To find, to do, to try.
Crossing the fog,
To clear a path.
To make a light.


Been relaxing after a late shift, working, doing some app searching, listening to my podcast of productivity and thinking. Lots of pondering, thinking then pessimistically, then thinking of how far I’ve come. Thinking of the reason for this, my own effort, unrelenting and phenomenal, still with improvement to not obsess over a single task but to follow a couple for different things. Looking at productivity apps, reinvigorated.

For a little while, after Uni, and my goal for research seeming so impossible and far off. Have been just floating, trying to escape, rest, and feeling sad as I kinda gave up on all I had wanted in all but what I merely said to others.

This producivity podcast has given me hope, thoughts, something I never thought I would get into. Making a “yearly theme”. I am thinking, bursting with ideas, plans, even now I should be going to bed but didn’t think I knew the theme, I have thought and also finalised the theme I need.

The podcast is Cortex. Amazing and one of two I compulsively listen to as soon as an episode is released.

It’s my Year of Direction.
– To get productivity apps (of which I already have many)
– To solidify a workflow
– To practice and learn some Spanish each day
– To time track
– To do some photography each day
– To do some academic research each day
– To do some non-research reading each day, non-fiction learning but not research in my own specified areas.

Even Though

Even though,
I try,
I be.
Experiences,
It all occurs.
A holiday.
To truly see.
To appreciate,

It all allows me to see.

Even though,
All the times,
The being,
Living in the time,
It all allows me to see.
To put into perspective,
As I try.
Allows me to try harder,
As I can see.

It all.

It all.
Allows me to see.

Trials,
Trips and ponderings,
As I.
Can be.


Amazing day, amazing chat with an old friend I’ve wanted to see for ages, amazing times and feeling grateful for an amazing boss and all the amazing people at work. Amazing! And excited for a film in the cinema to see! So good!