Drowning Out The Night

Drowning out the night.
Laying here with you,
So much to say.
So much drowning out my thoughts.

The moment here before gone.
Till we meet again,
The time apart,
Mistakes made.

Putting the perspective there,
Laying here, thinking.
Everything perfect, simple, nice.
Breakfast and dinner together.
Drinks and celebrations.
Even a cuppa.

Simple all around,
But just that.
Simple, kind and nice.
Those occasional,
Special,
Nice times.

The song you play,
The way we danced.
Funny.

Life,
The pieces missing and fitting.
All in its complexity,
Its rarity and depth.
For those smallest times.

Nothing that can be explained.
Nothing around to compare.

So much on the horizon,
New times ahead.

So much said,
Yet to be.

As I lay here.
You next to me.
Time passing
Time passed.

All in the distance,
Unknown. But here.
But here in the present.
Laying next to you,
You speak,
Laugh.
A moment.
This moment.

Now passed.
But remembered.
A light bright,

A light drowning out the night.
A smallest reminder.
Kindness in a world.

Kindness among the world of thorns.

Thorns I clear,
One at a time.
To renew my world,
My mind.

As I lay there.
Next to you,
The thoughts,
The mind,
The time.
The moments before,
The times shared.
Conversations said.
All in the now.
Then passed.

All.
All drowning out the night.


Wrote this, thinking of one night, a few actually. But one especially. Someone I haven’t seen for months.

Occasionally messaging. Messaged quite a little bit recently, and some mutual friends. The great time. But especially one.

Drinking, chatting, about the past, present and future. And that’s it. Another time, walking around playing music and having an amazing time. The best time on the beach, the night before we had to part ways.

Guess this is a storyesque, about that one night in particular. Simple, so fast to end. Lying around chatting. About everything. Oh how the memory wants to fade, as usual. But also funny how the memory doesn’t, but only very slowly. Hopefully not too long.

Wrote this listening to Before We Say Goodbye by Prozak

Looking at this, all the tenses mixed, I don’t really know what I was trying to write here, and how, but it all came out mixed, somewhat poetic, reminiscent of the uncertainty with the mind, with life. Yet always something good just on the horizon.

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Reflection

Those ever-quick moments,
Bliss, enjoyment and together.
All here.
Where we are,
We matter.
We are.

Such a moment easily passed,
A moment.
A time.
Reflection,
On what has passed,
Made its mark on my soul,
My mind.

A time of reflection,
A time of what has come.
At peace in this sweet moment.
At peace with where it has fallen.
Grateful for the kindest people around me.
For the care shared.

Here I think and I reflect.
Glad for being,
Everything in the making.
Something for reflection.


Writing this reflecting on stuff, went out for an amazing night out with my coursemates, also I spoken recently to lots of friends on FB to catchup and some to meet up and get to know. So all is looking up.

Also met my best friend today for the first time since the xmas holidays.

The Call Of The Song

The call of the song,
From old,
Thoughts racing.
Looking forward to the new day.

The song how it speaks,
Beckoning a new day into existence,
New times to find and have.

Those times on the horizon,
Throwing the past aside.
Into the wastes of time,
Forgotten.

The song plays on,
To the future that awaits,
The new song to come.

Using the hurt song to spur a new beginning.
Strength from the pain of old.
The past, used to will on the new.
The present, the good and now.

And on this song plays,
Trying to move on to the new day,
New, bright, kind and from the past.

The call of the song,
Off into the future.
Leaving dead the past.
Moving on.


I have to stop lying to myself, had a rougher day than I’ve had in a while. Got a lot of productive work done on my essay.

Everything Feeling

Everything feeling,
The fullness,
Overwhelming feeling.
Understanding,
No one sees how.

Underestimation, everyone’s currency for me.
Understanding, the sea I swim in, live in.
The world,
A world of feelings,
My own and others,
A lifetime of thoughts,
In the smallest of moments.
Rushing before my eyes,
Overwhelming.

People look at me,
But never see.
I can’t explain.
The everything feeling.
A mind racing,
My attention like a hand that cannot keep up.

Thoughts running,
Always.
A simple decision?
A list of solutions,
Running through my mind,
To weigh and pick.

Emotional hurt,
Always feeling emotions of others,
Strongly influencing my own.
Imagine a being,
Not being, but being gained from another.
A state of loss,
Loss of being, feeling, identity.

This state of everything feeling,
Itself causing pain,
To add to my pain,
From the pain of others,
To add to my own pain also.

No synthesis,
Overempathy, or the lack.
The former as natural,
The latter to save me,
Save me from the overfeeling

The complexity.
Unable to describe.
This.
Everything.
Life.
Existence.

And the inescapable.

This everything feeling.


Well. Writing a poem of feeling, what it’s like to feel too much, empathise way too much until it hurts beyond description, emotions hurt beyond description of physical pain.

Probably have Asbergers and have slightly suspected since primary school (many years ago), but a main reason is my misconception that Autism is necessarily about a lack of empathy when I’ve always known it’s the opposite for me.

Found some good experiences on a forum, found it through a community I found on a new app a friend on my MoodTrack recommended haha: https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=304240

Talking to others it’s possible to have Asbergers with hyperempathy or hypersensitivity.

Despite the description of the poem I’m not sad, just thinking, writing what life feels like, existing is like.

In Those Best Moments

In those best moments,
The bright light,
A peaceful night sky,
The world coming together

A thought spared,
A mere moment,
A split-second,
Dwelling on the darkness,
A past, in the past.

Such contrast,
A change.
Realisation from the abrupt.

In those best moments,
Realisation of what life is,
Realisation of what life means,
Happiness, kindness,
The kindest souls who are there,
No ask, mere kindness.

Those best moments,
Smiling out of nowhere,
Being in the moment,
Feeling life.
A eruption from my heart,
The feeling.
A movement,
My soul.

An end to the numb and the hurt.

A feeling long lost,
Long forgotten.
But now found.

The best moments,
The contrast,
Highlighting the path,
The journey,
From, now, where to.

In those best moments,
Living in the moment.
Kind pure moments of life.

From the past,
In the present,
Hope for the path to come,
Living in the moment,
In those best moments.


I’m feeling amazing right now, the day ended really amazingly, chatting to a friend to a friend until very, very late, relaxing after a very productive day. Everything, the good feeling is coming back, has come back, stronger with a realisation.

Writing this based on how sometimes the best moments always come with some thought of the worst parts, because of the contrast, the growth, the realisation, moving past, a realisation. A shining gem to be found in the darkest depths.

Clearing the Fog

Clearing the fog,
Uncertainty,
An unclear path.

Waiting to be cleared,
Effort,
To make,
To be,
To drive.

To find.

Clearing the fog,
From my path.
To try the finding.

Out of nowhere.

Feelings unclear,
A treasure in the brush.

To be found, uncovered.

Trying.

To clear this fog.
One such path.
My attempt.

Clearing the fog.


Been really good these holidays, much needed rest, work, family, friends and being surrounded by so many of the most caring people I know.

Tonight, feeling a bit, empty. Don’t even have a clue why. Maybe this will make me feel better, maybe not, but it’s something.

Clearing the Fog

Clearing the fog,
Uncertainty,
An unclear path.

Waiting to be cleared,
Effort,
To make,
To be,
To drive.

To find.

Clearing the fog,
From my path.
To try the finding.

Out of nowhere.

Feelings unclear,
A treasure in the brush.

To be found, uncovered.

Trying.

To clear this fog.
One such path.
My attempt.

Clearing the fog.


Been really good these holidays, much needed rest, work, family, friends and being surrounded by so many of the most caring people I know.

Tonight, feeling a bit, empty. Don’t even have a clue why. Maybe this will make me feel better, maybe not, but it’s something.

Witness to the Pain

A witness,
To the pain of others,
Many, suffering and sorry.
I stand there, consoling.

Seemingly oblivious but knowing,
Of true pain,
My pain.

Witnessing others’,
My own, boiling from beneath.
Others,
All seeking help, kindness and consoling.
I stand here.
All unaware, of the pain I’ve felt.
Pretending, ‘what pain?’.

Knowing full well,
A demon’s grimace of pain,
A well-known sight.
A person’s face, showing such pain,
Another sight,
Of my well-familiarity.

Strength to put aside the pain.
To part the demons,
Move from my path all obstacles.
Move from my path all plight.
To shape what I want.
To brighten whereever I can.

Being…
A witness to the pain.
Pain so real.
Real to feel.

A depth, to rip open from the inside.
A cure, keeping hold.
Keeping hold of the light.
Light to shine my path.
Determination to brighten the life I lead.

To move along my path,
Determination, resolve and kindness to be my guide.

Only found.
This.
Through being.
Witness to the pain.


Had a good Christmas, a really good one. Realised after it, all the celebrations, so many people shared their pain, hardships, all in the family and friends, something that I’ve seen a lot (more from friends than family). And no matter if some may ridicule and insult me I have gone through great pain too, stronger and level-headed from it. But pain nevertheless, so much so the language, feeling, sight and understanding of pain, easier to understand than life, easier to contend with than breathing.

Sad to witness such pain, I can relate to, understand and also feel just to hearing it. But I guess I help?

Still…

The pain, hurts, helps, goes away and lingers all at the same time.

 

When writing this I haven’t published works in a while and wasn’t planning until I get better, expected it to be later but this poem spoke to me.

How far I’ve come,
How far I can go.

This, as many of my best poems, is dedicated to you who have helped me so much that you don’t know and I don’t understand, L.

A Goodbye Never to be Said

A goodbye, meant true.
Truly sad that this is the way it must be.
I truly am.

Only caring.
Wanting to go.
So you can be free,
I know that I cannot be.
Just friends.
Even as I do wish I can be.

I hope, this you never read.
That you find success happiness and love.
All you will find and deserve.

Even if we’re apart and I block you out.
It’s never because I hate you.
Even if it seems it is.
Deep down, even past my facade.

It’s about care,
Pure and simple.

Wanting you to go on.
Enough is enough.
You need this for you.
And I’m happy to give.

Because I care.
Caring too much,
Is my biggest fault.

But is who I am.

You’ll go far,
That I do not doubt.

For us both,
I cannot be there.

Of all you’ve shared and told me.
I’m sorry it had to come to this.

Always have been.
Always knew this was the way it would go.
I don’t regret meeting you.
Even if I may say,
Or show otherwise.

I always care.
Hoping for your best,
A truly kind friend.

A truly kind person.
Who deserves so much.
And that is why.
I wouldn’t want to stay.

And this.
Is a goodbye I could never say.
A goodbye I would never want to hurt you.

My goodbye.
A goodbye, never to be said.